The Monsters in my head are scared of Love.

Hello everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend (I know I definitely did). I spent Friday through Sunday in Las Vegas relaxing in a beautiful Venetian Suite by day and partying to Skrillex and Diplo by night! All good things must end and now I am home wishing I were still there because reality can be such a bummer.

I know you are all used to me ranting on and on about my cynical views on love, and even though I constantly insist that I am NOT cynical when it comes to relationships, I am sure most of you don’t believe me haha. Here is the honest truth though: Love seriously terrifies me. I mean it. I can handle ANY scary movie out there. I actually enjoy the adrenaline rush I get from fear. But meeting someone and letting my guard down, giving them the potential to hurt me, that has got to be the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I think my biggest worry has been that I will meet that “someone” and we will be together and be happy and whatever, and then one day he will just wake up and not love me anymore, but feel obligated to me or something and stay in the relationship even though he isn’t happy anymore. I think this stems from witnessing all the unhappiness around me. Divorce, adultery, lying, cheating, manipulation, and etc. Like I said in my previous post, my Venus is in Pisces (astrologically speaking), and I believe that makes me even more empathetic when it comes to feeling what happens to those around me. It is like this quote I heard in one of my favorite films “The United States of Leland” where Ryan Gosling’s character is explaining the two ways of seeing the world: that you can either see the sadness that is behind everything, or you can choose to keep it all out.

It covers my eyes. It’s all I can see. Say there’s some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won’t let play because he tells corny jokes and no one thinks they’re funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they’re gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can’t even look each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.”

That is how he describes being the type of person who sees the sadness all around us, it is the best way I can describe how I feel all of the time, and it literally causes my heart to hurt on a daily basis. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be one of those people who keeps that out I really don’t and I wish I did. I wish so badly to be one of those people who can just allow myself to be loved despite the risk involved because I want it trust me I want it so bad. But I find it so much simpler to just be alone and not even put myself through the mess. I mean tell me, how can I even begin to allow myself to dive head first into a commitment when all around me I see married couples in open relationships and guys who have serious girlfriends but are talking to me about sleeping with me? Because there is no way in hell I want to be the wife who stays home while my husband brings his girlfriend to Vegas, and I definitely don’t want to be the girlfriend who finds out my boyfriend has been cheating on me but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to “hurt me”, I just don’t even know what to think anymore all I know is that my walls are up and it is not for no reason. All of a sudden I can’t sleep again and I am beginning to question so many things as I continue to move forward in my life and I just want to know what is the point of it all? What is the point of feeling so empty without the ultimate outcome being that I become full?

And in the end, we are all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Bruised by Jacks Mannequin]

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Viva Las Vegas!

Well I hope everyone had a fabulous 4th of July weekend! I know I sure did! Let me start out by saying I absolutely LOVE having a 3-Day weekend but it sure is rough coming back to work (especially if you spent your weekend like I did!)

I can’t even believe that it had been almost two whole years since I had been in Vegas. Seriously. I mean technically I officially flew out October 11th, but leading up to that starting September 24th I was in jail, so I don’t really consider that time “being” in Vegas, I mean I was in a cell so I really could have been anywhere lol. Then the three weeks before that I had been in New York so yeah, point being, almost two years since I had been to Vegas until this last weekend lol.

When my friends invited me to tag along on there already planned Vegas trip I won’t lie I was a little hesitant. I mean I don’t have really any decent clothes suitable for extremely hot weather nor do I have many options for a night out. There was also the fact that the last time I was in Las Vegas I was literally being escorted from jail to rehab lol. I understand that some people might not find that humorous, but honestly looking back after two years, I can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous I was. For those of you who may think it difficult to find humor in your own misfortunes there is a quote from one of my ALL TIME favorite movies [Garden State] that has always stuck with me:

What do you do? You laugh. I’m not saying I don’t cry, but in-between I laugh, because I realized how silly it is to take life too seriously. If you can’t learn to laugh at yourself then life is gonna seem a whole lot longer than you’d like.”

But seriously, all jokes aside, I was actually a little nervous. Not because I thought that I was going to get back there and throw away all the progress I have made. I am actually VERY confident in myself and have a pretty good sense of self control. It was just a tiny little feeling of nerves for which I had no real explanation because I seriously didn’t know what they were stemming from. I just assumed the feelings I had were from a combination of things: excitement of being on a vacation with my friends in VEGAS, nerves of going to Vegas, curiosity of how I may feel once I’m in VEGAS, and etc.

Long story short ALL of that nonsense just faded away as soon as I caught sight of the Las Vegas Strip. Hannah checked into our room at the Monte Carlo, Keira made the cocktails and the rest of the weekend created itself! I won’t give an entire play by play, because let’s face it, a weekend in Vegas would be a novel. I’ll try to sum it up as best I can without losing the essence that is LAS VEGAS.

Night 1 We played Black Jack with Canadians until the sun came up and we were all winners eh! There was an attempt made at the Craps table by Keira, Hannah, and I between the hours of 10pm and sunrise but that was short lived seeing as uhh it’s not as easy to win money there (oh well at least we got to roll the dice). Oh, and I witnessed a brilliant rendition of Ice Ice Baby, performed by none other than The Geary sister’s (not even joking, they seriously put Vanilla Ice to shame). #YOLO

Day 2 We drank pitchers of Mojitos by the pool where apparently 40 year old men enjoy wrestling and also teaching us about weather patterns. After all that excitement we returned to our room and watched THREE very dramatic Lifetime movies while waiting for our second wind.

Night 2 We wore fur coats, I know what you’re thinking; “Fur Coats in Vegas?!” Crazy right? WRONG. We had to wear the coats because we were hanging out inside of a bar made of ICE (Minus5 Ice Bar). It was pretty much one of the coolest things I have ever experienced. Our shots and drinks were all inside of cups literally made of ice, Hannah and I even took a shot out of an Ice Sculpture, and we got some really cool photos (Julio the photographer: you still have my heart). After that we went to check out the new-and-improved Drais on the roof of the Cromwell (yeah it is no longer in a basement). It was pretty nice, definitely less sketchy than when it was a basement, but it was almost exactly like the Drais on top of the W in Hollywood. So it was kind of like Deja Vu for me. I guess it was bigger and probably nicer, I am not too sure since we weren’t inside very long before three lovely British boys bumped into us on the patio. Naturally I initiated a conversation which wasn’t difficult for me because I am so charismatic and outgoing… Okay okay it’s actually because I am a die hard Harry Potter fan and, I mean come on, these guys were British! So I did what I do best and started off with asking if they’re Harry Potter fans (yeah I’m a nerd I know this already). Lol. So we were heading down to play Black Jack and they decided to join us, seems odd for us to leave the club to gamble, but the Black Jack tables were very kind to us girls all weekend. After an hour or so the ladies decided to turn in early because we were leaving at 6am to drive home but to me that translated to all-nighter. It was our last night in Vegas after all. So I just continued to gamble with my new friends and took my first EVER trip to the Stratosphere since I went on the ride as a kid (for good reason too, that area is so ghetto). It was on the way there that I  had some pretty interesting conversations about whether or not Kurt Cobain killed himself (even got to hear some great sing alongs to Come as You Are in the cab). At the hotel the discussions contributed to favorite movies/directors/actors, why Cali drivers go in the slow lane to pass you when you’re in the middle lane, how we have intersections and they have roundabouts, I mean the list goes on…

Oh yeah, and I was told that when I go to London I am guaranteed discounted tickets to Harry Potter World, and I will be holding them to that.

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So as you can see, the trip was a definite success, especially when you come home with the money back that you had spent on the trip itself. I am forever grateful for the game of Black Jack and whoever created it. I got home at 10am and slept until I literally had to wake up for work the next day hahaha I definitely needed that rest though. And now I am back to reality of working. Living my boring old life with no awesome British boys to hangout with and no Bars made of ice to go to. Just me and little Kat in my studio in the Valley, working a 9-5, having the same friends I’ve had forever… Hmm. I must say though, for a boring life full of normalcy, I think it is pretty damn good <3

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Jilted Lovers by The Naked and Famous]

Don’t be so hard on yourself… You can’t get better ’til you get worse.

blog photoWelcome back to reality everyone. The weekend is over and it is back to the work week. I must say I do love working full-time, even though I only get two days off, it really makes me appreciate that free time.

There are many weekends I have where I am fully booked with plans of going out with friends drinking or going to movies. But my favorite part about weekends is the time I have to reflect on my life; where I have come from, where I am now, and where I could be going.

This past weekend was one of reflecting. As I thought about my past, all of the things I have done, it really got me thinking. I can count a number of things that most people would probably judge me for and swear they can’t imagine how I could have done something like that. Now don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware of the things I have done, and some of them definitely are not easy to take ownership of. But hello… I am human. We ALL do things we are not proud of and we are all capable of doing terrible things no matter how high and mighty we think we are. Just because you haven’t done something to the equivalent of what I have done does NOT mean you have any right to look down on me. I may have not been a role model but despite my poor choices I am still like everyone else

“I’m not their hero but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t brave.
I’m not your hero but that doesn’t mean we’re not one and the same.”

Moving away from thoughts on the past to where I am today, and I think I have written this before, I am so shocked at everything turning out the way it has. It makes me feel as if I am living inside of a dream or something. Like at any moment I could wake up and not be here. Full time job, living on my own, surrounded by family and friends… Who knew right? People try to make me feel bad for things I have done, but really I just feel like they might be unhappy with where they landed in their lives, so they bring up my past to see if I will break down or something. Those who do not know my past and are meeting me as I am now just cannot believe that was who I used to be and this is where I have made it to. I think that is the best part, people being as surprised as I am, it literally brings a smile to my face. Obviously there are times when I cannot help but let it bring me down. When myself or others point out the darkest parts of my life, time that I lost and won’t ever get back, traumatic memories I won’t ever be rid of, it feels like I’m just constantly being chased by something that will eventually catch up to me. But then I realize that without all of that I wouldn’t know as much about myself as I do now. There was so much I needed to discover and it is what brought me to where I am today.

Learning all I know now, losing all I did.
I never used to feel like I’d be standing so far ahead”

That is pretty much what it comes down to at this point. I have been through a lot of shit, no more or less than anyone else, just my own. I am sure that it is not over because I am only 26 and I know the type of person I am. I do not take the easy way through anything. I love a challenge even if that means I slip and fall along the way. But I do know that I will keep pushing myself until I am satisfied with who I become. Never once have I actually looked forward to the future… until now.

I do my best to walk the finest line ’till I’ve had all that I can take”

xoxo.

(Photo Credit: Me in Vegas; Taken By: Keira Geary) (Lyrics Credit: “Not Your Hero” by Tegan and Sara)

[Currently Listening to: Gravity by Sara Bareilles]

Friends are like Uggs… No one wants the fake ones!

Oh hello Tuesday (even though it feels like Monday). I was out sick yesterday so my week is already off to a weird start while I get my days confused and TV showtimes mixed up LOL! I hope everyone had a good weekend, mine was pretty mellow considering, I know most of you went to Stagecoach so that is exciting!! I was actually supposed to go to that (I know shocking because I am not a huge country music fan) but my best friend was going so my dad surprised me with a ticket which was pretty cool. Unfortunately the place she was staying didn’t have enough room for one more person. Oh well, there is always next year, probably best to save money anyways since I am planning an EPIC Vegas trip!

Anyways, I decided to dedicate this blog post to friendship, because I have been so fortunate throughout my life with the friends I have made. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my run ins with a few bitches along the way, as I am sure most of you have as well. Here is my biggest pet peeve when it comes to being friends with girls: why do you always gotta lash out against one another? I mean in reality we should be on the same team. We are women, there is nothing more powerful and beautiful than that, united we can do pretty much anything. When we fight and talk shit about each other that is when we are at our weakest and of course the opposite sex can EASILY take advantage. I have been in more than one situation like that in my life and trust me when I say that guys will always pin girls against each other because we are weaker when we stand alone. #TrueStory.

Me, I absolutely LOVE having friends that are girls, we are so much fun! I cherish the friendships I have had all of these years and can proudly say that I have kept almost all of them in good standing the entire length of the friendship (minus a few bumps here and there). I was just speaking on the phone to my friend Bekah last night about how we met and you are gonna love this story. I was living in Vegas and had only been there a few months so I would always go into this bar Blue Martini to visit my friend Natalie while she was working. There was a guy bartender there that I thought was really cute so I would always go hang out at his bar and flirt with him (typical) but tonight I noticed there were two girls sitting right there where he was working. Now I am not a bitch, contrary to popular belief, so I decided to introduce myself to the girls. One of them really had a story to tell. I mean this girl was talking my EAR OFF. She was very nice and everything but it was just a lot to take in. Somewhere inside the stories she was telling she let slip that they came to that bar to see the bartender because her friend Bekah had a crush on him, that is when I was introduced to her friend, and at the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers. Over a year later and she is one of my best friends, I seriously love her to death and have been through so much with her, and we met going after the same guy. Shocking right?

When you think about it though it actually isn’t that shocking. We bonded over the fact that we both thought the same guy was hot and that he happened to be a total tool. We weren’t trying to fight for him we were actually more satisfied with the friendship we gained from each other than a crappy one night stand with some asshole. That is how I approach most situations with my friends. I will NEVER put a guy first it just isn’t who I am. Because at the end of the day that guy could leave you or cheat on you or you could end on peaceful terms, either way you are going to want that friend by your side. I think when it comes to friendship the main factor that keeps it together is selflessness. Because let’s face it, you are going to have to listen to your friend bitch and cry and talk shit, even if you are having a crappy day. It is their turn then it is your turn. Sometimes vice versa.

There is just no way a friendship is going to last if you think the world is all about you and you expect your friends to constantly listen to you and be there for you if you do not reciprocate. I mean the same thing goes in a relationship too right? You’re not going to want to date someone who demands everything from you and gives nothing in return are you? Didn’t think so. So here is a reality check: I am not a bitch, but I also do not surround myself with selfish people who believe the world caters to them, those people carry bad energy that I do not care for. I have been through some shit, no worse than anyone else’s shit, but shit nonetheless. So forgive me for not choosing to stand by and allow people to treat myself and others that I care about as if they live to serve these so-called “friends”. I give tons of second chances and everyone knows that about me, but I only do it for those who truly meant something to me, and who I believe actually deserve it. If you haven’t shown me the same amount of respect and time that I feel a friendship deserves, then you can expect to no longer see me as your friend, and that is just how it is.

Now I know we are adults and this is not High School with the Myspace Top 8 and the “you can’t sit with us” bullshit. But whatever the age these things still become a problem and they still matter. I hate to admit it, and yes maybe it is because I am a girl, but that is just the way it is. So if you are a female out there and you are reading this: CHERISH YOUR FRIENDS. They deserve it. No one will be there for you like they have been and will be. And if you have a shitty friend who basically expects to always be a top priority in your life but has no problem shoving you aside in their own, then repeat after me:

“You’re Basic, Bye!”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Fuel to Fire by Agnes Obel]