You’re killing me to walk away

Well it is Tuesday which I suppose is better than Monday but it is still the beginning of the work week which is a total bummer. I am sorry for not writing for a while but my life has been SO hectic with closing escrow on my mom’s house and getting that all taken care of with estate sales and what not.

For today’s post I wanted to touch on a common situation that seems to occur in the world of dating and/or relationships. The situation I speak of is when things seem to be going so well in the beginning and then all of a sudden you are no longer getting calls/texts or any show of interest from your significant other. I think I speak for everyone in the WORLD when I say how unbelievably frustrating it is when this happens. I mean here we are thinking everything is working out so nicely and then *poof* they’re gone with no explanation whatsoever.

We have all been here, some of us have probably been the one doing the disappearing act, and I just have to say that the polite thing to do is just COMMUNICATE! You know how all therapists answers to like everything, whether is be marriage dating or families, is always communication? Everyone says how therapy is BS and they always give the same answers which offer no help. Funny thing is that communicating is probably the only answer to life’s many issues when it comes to human relationships. If you are dating someone and at first you are like REALLY into them, then for whatever reason you just aren’t into it anymore, I am pretty sure the solution is not to ignore them. All that does is drive the other person totally crazy wondering what in the world they could have done wrong (it may even lead to endless texts/phone calls) resulting in you getting irritated and calling them crazy which just isn’t nice.

One day soon I won’t be the one who waits for you.”

The questions that come from this situation are in NO WAY crazy either. As it clearly says in the lyrics in the above picture, they basically just want to know why it is that now you don’t want them and won’t return their calls, and the only conclusion is that you were leading them on the entire time. And if at one point you were interested then why not continue putting in the effort to keep them around and make something work? Considering the behavior that is being displayed on the end of the person doing the “dodging” none of that really makes someone a crazy person. Now, if they CONTINUE to call and go back to you when you do answer knowing that it will always end the same way, that is the definition of insanity: doing the same action over and over expecting a different result. But let’s be real here, it is pretty much impossible to walk away from something we really want, especially without an explanation or at least something telling us WHY we are walking away.

Unfortunately, even in writing this post, I can honestly say that this is one of those mysteries that will most likely never be answered. Some people are either too naive to know that they are leading you on. Or they have such low self esteem that they enjoy the idea of you racking your brain for hours on end about him or her, talking to all of your friends about it, and possibly even sitting around waiting for them to show you even the slightest bit of attention again. If you ask me that person is the pathetic one, you should not get down on yourself because that guy or girl lead you on, you should be thankful that you didn’t get stuck dating such an insecure mess.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Where Does The Good Go by Tegan and Sara]

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Don’t be so hard on yourself… You can’t get better ’til you get worse.

blog photoWelcome back to reality everyone. The weekend is over and it is back to the work week. I must say I do love working full-time, even though I only get two days off, it really makes me appreciate that free time.

There are many weekends I have where I am fully booked with plans of going out with friends drinking or going to movies. But my favorite part about weekends is the time I have to reflect on my life; where I have come from, where I am now, and where I could be going.

This past weekend was one of reflecting. As I thought about my past, all of the things I have done, it really got me thinking. I can count a number of things that most people would probably judge me for and swear they can’t imagine how I could have done something like that. Now don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware of the things I have done, and some of them definitely are not easy to take ownership of. But hello… I am human. We ALL do things we are not proud of and we are all capable of doing terrible things no matter how high and mighty we think we are. Just because you haven’t done something to the equivalent of what I have done does NOT mean you have any right to look down on me. I may have not been a role model but despite my poor choices I am still like everyone else

“I’m not their hero but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t brave.
I’m not your hero but that doesn’t mean we’re not one and the same.”

Moving away from thoughts on the past to where I am today, and I think I have written this before, I am so shocked at everything turning out the way it has. It makes me feel as if I am living inside of a dream or something. Like at any moment I could wake up and not be here. Full time job, living on my own, surrounded by family and friends… Who knew right? People try to make me feel bad for things I have done, but really I just feel like they might be unhappy with where they landed in their lives, so they bring up my past to see if I will break down or something. Those who do not know my past and are meeting me as I am now just cannot believe that was who I used to be and this is where I have made it to. I think that is the best part, people being as surprised as I am, it literally brings a smile to my face. Obviously there are times when I cannot help but let it bring me down. When myself or others point out the darkest parts of my life, time that I lost and won’t ever get back, traumatic memories I won’t ever be rid of, it feels like I’m just constantly being chased by something that will eventually catch up to me. But then I realize that without all of that I wouldn’t know as much about myself as I do now. There was so much I needed to discover and it is what brought me to where I am today.

Learning all I know now, losing all I did.
I never used to feel like I’d be standing so far ahead”

That is pretty much what it comes down to at this point. I have been through a lot of shit, no more or less than anyone else, just my own. I am sure that it is not over because I am only 26 and I know the type of person I am. I do not take the easy way through anything. I love a challenge even if that means I slip and fall along the way. But I do know that I will keep pushing myself until I am satisfied with who I become. Never once have I actually looked forward to the future… until now.

I do my best to walk the finest line ’till I’ve had all that I can take”

xoxo.

(Photo Credit: Me in Vegas; Taken By: Keira Geary) (Lyrics Credit: “Not Your Hero” by Tegan and Sara)

[Currently Listening to: Gravity by Sara Bareilles]

“How do I get him to stop texting me?” A story by Kara Love & her iPhone

Hello everyone! I hope all of you are having a great start to your work week, but if you’re not, at least you can take your mind off things for a bit with today’s post!

Remember that time you went out with your friends to a bar/club/restaurant and you chatted up that guy/girl for like however long you were there for? Then as you were heading out they asked for your number and you thought to yourself “sure, why not, they seem pretty cool” so you exchange numbers and go on your way not really thinking too much of it.

Then when you’re in the car you hear the ever-so-familiar sound of your text tone, let’s be real here it is probably the most frequently heard sound by the entire human race, and you pull out your phone curious/excited as to who it could be (don’t even lie you know you act like that every time your phone goes off). So you look at it:

“Hey it’s [guy/girl] from the [location you met] what are you gonna do tonight? Wanna hangout?”

Uhhh…. What the hell? Is this guy/girl really asking me what I am doing 5 minutes after he said goodbye to me? Hmm they’re probably just drunk, I will play into it tonight I guess, I mean what is the worst that could happen?

So, the entire week following the “exchanging of the phone numbers”, you quickly draw the conclusion that:

  1. No they were not just drunk when they sent you a text asking to hangout 5 minutes after getting your number.
  2. They actually enjoy sending you a text asking what you are up to and if you want to hang out pretty much EVERY day.
  3. You may have dug yourself into a bit of a hole when you gave this guy/girl your phone number.
  4. You also may have dug yourself into an even DEEPER hole when you played into their texts that first night (rookie move, we all do it).
  5. You are just going to have to let them down easy before things get too out of control.

Okay so that initial week of the constant texts requesting to see you again has passed. You made the mental list in your head (it may be longer or shorter depending on how eager this texter really is) and you have had enough. I mean, I don’t care what ANYONE says, there is absolutely nothing flattering about this situation. It is not cute that you feel the need to text me EVERY SINGLE DAY trying to hangout when we just met a couple of days before at like a bar or something. It is creepy and weird and a little obsessive. Like maybe one text a day or two later, totally appropriate. But this nonsense is just plain unacceptable and it needs to be stopped.

So hopefully you figure out a way to cut the cord on that and you vow to never make that mistake again. Fast forward to some time in the future: a few months, maybe a year, maybe even more. You are just going about your life, business as usual, and you get a text message. You go to check it and you see that name, yes you still have them in your phone, do you remember who you are dealing with here? No one likes surprises! Anyway, this is the future and you’re a friendly person, so you go ahead and reply to them. What’s the worst that could happen?

  1. He/She will still be the same exact obsessive texter they were before. Did you honestly think they wouldn’t be?
  2. You will find yourself in a twilight zone-ish world where history is just repeating itself with constant feelings of deja-vu
  3. You might not remember how you got rid of him/her before, you can’t use the same out, maybe he/she won’t remember either?
  4. He/She might have gone through some terrible tragedy since then, so now you have to reject him/her again, AFTER he/she has gone through a bunch of awful shit. Way to be a total asshole.
  5. You will have to suffer through ANOTHER length of time where you are getting constant texts from him/her asking you to hangout which you always reply “perhaps” or “maybe” to even though you know you never will.

Congratulations future you, not many people can say they have time traveled, and you only have yourself to blame. But honestly it really isn’t your fault. I mean god forbid you are a friendly person who just likes talking to people right? All of a sudden it’s a crime to respond to people with absolutely no intention of ever hanging out with them? Like sorry I have manners and I speak when I am spoken to. Had no idea that pressing the send button is an automatic commitment to giving you my time just because you’re texting me. Also, word of advice: I may actually want to hangout with you at first, but my schedule is making it difficult, hitting me up every day asking me if I will ever make time for you is definitely gonna make me glad my schedule is so busy.

 

So what inspired this post? Obviously a real life experience that I have decided to share with all of you through the screen of my iPhone. Brief insight is I met this guy at a bar a year ago, he took a pic of me and my friends for us, we chatted for a bit. I gave him my number and he texted me IMMEDIATELY after I left to hangout. I went with it because I lived out of state. A year later he popped up again and I decided to be friendly and respond to the texts. I am sorry let me rephrase that, CONSTANT texts. I was always very nice when I would say I couldn’t hangout but in these photos I was at my breaking point. I am in green, he is silver. Enjoy:

 

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xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Sentimental Tune by Tegan and Sara]

I know the world’s not fair to you, I’ve got a cure for it’s crimes.

 

Happy Monday everyone. I will say that this week I am actually TOTALLY okay with it being Monday because I am counting down the days until I go see Tegan and Sara on Saturday in Palm Springs!!! So excited!!

Anyway, as happy as I am about this coming weekend, today’s post is going to be a little on the downer side, warning you in advance. Now I know it is silly to try and place blame on things for our own mistakes in life. I am the Queen of blaming everyone else for my misfortunes and it definitely resulted in me being stuck in my rut for far too long. I spent SO MUCH TIME focusing on how much my parents messed me up which led to my decisions in dating which led to being treated like shit by boyfriends which led to my drug addiction and etc. I was so consumed by this that I was literally convinced that I was not the problem. Everyone else was the problem and I was just facing the consequences of their fuck ups.

Although, there is some truth to the idea that parents shape us into the adults we become, and if they aren’t careful then we could end up entering the real world completely unprepared. If we have unresolved issues with our parents this COULD carry over into our romantic relationships and that is never good. However, once you actually get out into the real world, and you begin to experience the negative effects of these things, well then it is all on you to change it. You can’t just sit there and give up saying “oh well it’s all their fault so there is nothing I can do about it”. That is a little childish don’t you think?

Here is my truth: I was so sad about things that happened in my family during my childhood and teen years that I just wanted to escape. My escape was becoming someone else and burying those insecurities and emotions down deep. Because I shifted all of my focus away from myself and my own problems I was never able to fully get a grip on my life, I was too busy focusing on everyone else and their problems, which dragged me even further down. In the end, the people I spent all my energy trying to “save” didn’t need me anymore and I would end up alone all over again, with nothing of my own because all I had done was get them things for themselves. This resulted in me feeling even worse about myself and my life and how my parents never told me how tough and cruel the world can be and I was just hopeless, bla bla bla. Then comes the drugs. SO MANY DRUGS.

Ecstasy, blow, acid, shrooms, painkillers, and my personal favorite meth. All of the others were just temporary distractions. Stuff you party with but none of them really stuck with me or caused me to lose a job or anything. But meth, that one got me in my lowest point, I was basically looking for something to destroy me and I literally didn’t even have to look for it. It came right to me. The whole time I was with my ex boyfriend I was using all of my energy to make him feel like a better person and convince him of how great he was. While at the same time he was slowly but surely manipulating me into thinking I was this terrible person and in the end when he cheated on me that really was the final nail in the coffin. So there I was allowing my world to crumble around me because “what was the point” and BAM someone just offers me this drug. Nothing was ever the same after that.

The entire time I was using I was so numb to everything. I just didn’t care anymore and that was such a relief. In the end I was so tired of living in this miserable life I just wanted it to be over you know? But no matter what I did, and trust me I did some dangerous shit, I still always managed to survive. So here I am today thinking back about all the times I wished I didn’t have to be here anymore…. and I am so happy that I am still here. That is what keeps me going. I let go of all that blame and anger because the truth is that people make mistakes. Parents, children, brothers and sisters. We all do. Life is hard, people suck most of the time, and pretty much NONE of it is ever really going to be fair. But it is like that for EVERYONE. Since I let all of that negativity go my life just started kind of falling into place, I mean yeah I have had to work at it, but it isn’t such a struggle to work at it anymore. It isn’t such a struggle to be happy anymore.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening: Midnight Coward by Stars]

Let it go, let it go… Can’t hold back anymore.

 

Happy Monday everyone! How excited is everyone that the week has started over hmm? Hahaha. Well this blog post is about the movie that everyone cannot stop talking about! Disney’s Frozen.

I just watched it for the first time last night and boy was I impressed. My sister was the one who told me I absolutely HAD to see it. She told me it was about us (sisters) and that it is totally relate-able even if it is supposed to be a kids movie. I couldn’t wait to see it, because number one I love Disney, and number two it is about sisters. Right from the beginning I could see what my sister was talking about because the younger sister has a reddish/brown hair color and freckles (like me) and the older one is blonde (like her). Plus the younger one in the beginning scene is trying to wake her older sister up begging her to play with her (sounds pretty much like our childhood).

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The older sister keeping herself locked away in her room never wanting to hangout with the younger just brought up traumatic childhood memories of me desperately seeking my sisters attention. Another thing I related to was the younger sisters initial ideas about true love and the older sister completely shutting her down insisting about how unrealistic it is (my sister and I actually had a conversation just like that about a month ago) and I really liked that for once a Disney movie wasn’t pushing the idea that “love at first sight” and getting married right away is something a  young girl should strive for as an adult.

frozenThe whole damsel in distress thing and marrying a stranger is something out of a Carley Rae Jepsen song “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe”. Like, STOP IT. Hahahaha. It was almost creepy looking back at all my beloved childhood Disney movies and thinking WOW does no one think it is creepy that Sleeping Beauty is being awoken by a “Prince” macking on her? Or what about the fact that The Little Mermaid basically instills the belief that a woman doesn’t even need to use words, just act ditzy and clumsy, oh and be a total looker.

All of these things from past movies were definitely nowhere to be seen in Frozen. The ones that were (like wanting to marry someone you just met) were immediately shut down, and later proven to be the WORST idea ever, and maybe the plain “boy next door” type is not so bad after all. More importantly is the message of family and how no matter WHAT is going on in your life it is important to not shut everyone out. The people who love you cannot help you if they have no idea what is going on, give them a chance to understand, because no one should have to face their inner demons alone.

Oh and chances are, if you do have a little sister, you can try to run to the moon if you want… we will find you and bug you until you agree to come back with us.

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Seriously all she needs is hazel eyes and she could totally pass for me when I had lighter hair… am I right? She even has the freckles on her nose and shoulders!

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In my sisters days of being platinum when her hair was super blonde this could TOTALLY be her!

In the end, this is definitely at the top of the list of Disney movies, which I am sure most of you had already figured out by all of the hype it has been getting. If you haven’t it yet I really recommend that you do and if you have an older/younger sister be prepared to find similarities in almost every scene. I am extremely thrilled that my sister convinced me to watch this and I am sure I will be watching it many more times.

Hope you all had a great weekend (because I most DEFINITELY did). I got to see the cast of The Originals and The Vampire Diaries up close and personal and let me tell you: they are even HOTTER in person <3  I got an autograph and tons of pictures and it was an unbelievable experience.

Just two more weeks until I get to see Tegan and Sara (is this really my life?) I am so incredibly happy right now I don’t think anything can bring me down. I am so thankful to my friends and family for such great memories we have made and continue to make (already counting down to my vacation to Oregon this summer).

xoxo.

[Currently Watching: Frozen]

 

This life of yours is 100% your responsibility

Happy Monday everyone! I wanted to start this week’s blog off right with a really positive post. I recently got my tax return from working all year and let me tell you, it was something to be happy about. I worked full time all year and stayed committed to my jobs and it actually paid off. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have gotten a tax return before, but never this high. It really made me feel like I actually did something last year. But before I went and spent it all on useless things like I normally would, I decided to finally start acting like a grown up, so I did. I decided to look into getting a secured credit card to start building my credit back up, and guess what, I got approved for a $500 limit! Not only that but they checked my credit score and even though I won’t share the exact number on here I will say it has raised by over a hundred points since I came home in June. I seriously could not be more thrilled with myself.

The best part about all of this is that since I came home I paid off a pretty expensive ticket, pay for my own gas and car maintenance, and buy my own groceries because I live on my own. At first I was paying a really high rent for just getting back on my feet so I took it upon myself to get a smaller place that is much cheaper so now I am saving way more money. I am finally starting to feel like an adult for once in my life. I have had apartments before (shared with roommates) but that never felt anything like this. It is liberating being all alone doing things without relying on other people and without the fear that someone will take advantage or screw you over. I have collected debts since I was 18 years old and now I am starting to take responsibility for everything and take care of them. I never wanted to admit that any of it was my fault but once I did and started doing what I was supposed to do things actually started looking up.

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Now, I am not trying to be super cliche here, but it is true when people tell you that living your life right you will reap the benefits. I am living proof of that right now. My credit score is climbing higher, I am getting a credit card again, I am living on my own! It is all so amazing! To make things even better I can finally afford to do the things I want to do: I am going to a Q&A for The Vampire Diaries/The Originals on Saturday at the Dolby Theater, I am seeing Tegan & Sara in concert, and taking a vacation with my best friend and siblings over the summer.

It is like I am living in a dream because my whole start to adulthood I swore all of this was impossible for me. I told myself that I would never achieve any of these goals or do any of the things I want to do. Like I wasn’t capable of living a normal life like everyone else in the world. But that is just bullshit I told myself to excuse my erratic behavior. I mean come on, we are SO much smarter and stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can literally do ANYTHING we set our minds to. I am not trying to preach to all of you of be all sunshine and rainbows, I would be lying if I said this was a walk in the park, and if I said that I didn’t try to give up time and time again. All I am saying is that I am finally seeing the results of my hard work and those dreams I used to have of a “normal” life are actually becoming my reality.

I could not be any happier than I am right now.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening: Closer by Tegan & Sara]

No lies, just Love.

Well it’s been a while but I’m back and just in time for a post inspired by everyone’s favorite/least favorite holiday: Valentines Day.

I’m not going to lie here I definitely struggled with this one. I was torn between the decision to write my normal pessimistic views and ideals or to take a more optimistic route. I know it seems like the obvious choice would be the negative one but I feel like it’s time to spice things up a bit. I have never really celebrated Valentines Day before and I don’t really see a huge reason to. I mean don’t get me wrong I think it’s nice to have a night of romance and love and etc. But I feel like because it is set on one day there is so much pressure to plan the perfect night or get the perfect gift. And if you’re single you freak out about the idea of spending the evening alone. It is SO STRESSFUL!

Let me tell you though, after 26 years here on earth, the best advice I can give in regards to love is to never look for it. Let it find you. The universe will make things happen on their own you can’t force it and you shouldn’t want to. Trust me, it’s worth the wait, and it’s really nice when someone comes into your life when you least expect it. (I cannot confirm nor deny if I’m speaking from recent experience lol).

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I apologize for how long it has been since my last post and I hope to get back into posting regularly now that my life is less chaotic. Hope you all had an enjoyable Valentines Day, whether you spent it with a significant other, friends, or even by yourself. Now I’ve stayed up way too late watching Dexter but at least I got this post done for all of you!

xoxo.

[Currently listening to: Lover I don’t Have to Love by Bright Eyes]