The Monsters in my head are scared of Love.

Hello everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend (I know I definitely did). I spent Friday through Sunday in Las Vegas relaxing in a beautiful Venetian Suite by day and partying to Skrillex and Diplo by night! All good things must end and now I am home wishing I were still there because reality can be such a bummer.

I know you are all used to me ranting on and on about my cynical views on love, and even though I constantly insist that I am NOT cynical when it comes to relationships, I am sure most of you don’t believe me haha. Here is the honest truth though: Love seriously terrifies me. I mean it. I can handle ANY scary movie out there. I actually enjoy the adrenaline rush I get from fear. But meeting someone and letting my guard down, giving them the potential to hurt me, that has got to be the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I think my biggest worry has been that I will meet that “someone” and we will be together and be happy and whatever, and then one day he will just wake up and not love me anymore, but feel obligated to me or something and stay in the relationship even though he isn’t happy anymore. I think this stems from witnessing all the unhappiness around me. Divorce, adultery, lying, cheating, manipulation, and etc. Like I said in my previous post, my Venus is in Pisces (astrologically speaking), and I believe that makes me even more empathetic when it comes to feeling what happens to those around me. It is like this quote I heard in one of my favorite films “The United States of Leland” where Ryan Gosling’s character is explaining the two ways of seeing the world: that you can either see the sadness that is behind everything, or you can choose to keep it all out.

It covers my eyes. It’s all I can see. Say there’s some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won’t let play because he tells corny jokes and no one thinks they’re funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they’re gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can’t even look each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.”

That is how he describes being the type of person who sees the sadness all around us, it is the best way I can describe how I feel all of the time, and it literally causes my heart to hurt on a daily basis. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be one of those people who keeps that out I really don’t and I wish I did. I wish so badly to be one of those people who can just allow myself to be loved despite the risk involved because I want it trust me I want it so bad. But I find it so much simpler to just be alone and not even put myself through the mess. I mean tell me, how can I even begin to allow myself to dive head first into a commitment when all around me I see married couples in open relationships and guys who have serious girlfriends but are talking to me about sleeping with me? Because there is no way in hell I want to be the wife who stays home while my husband brings his girlfriend to Vegas, and I definitely don’t want to be the girlfriend who finds out my boyfriend has been cheating on me but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to “hurt me”, I just don’t even know what to think anymore all I know is that my walls are up and it is not for no reason. All of a sudden I can’t sleep again and I am beginning to question so many things as I continue to move forward in my life and I just want to know what is the point of it all? What is the point of feeling so empty without the ultimate outcome being that I become full?

And in the end, we are all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Bruised by Jacks Mannequin]

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The Potential You’ll Be, That You’ll Never See, The Promises You’ll Only Make…

Hello Thursday! It has been so long since I have written anything, still getting back into the swing of things since my vacation, so hopefully I can get right back into it.

Today I decided to write about a song that has become my personal favorite recently. I literally cannot stop listening to it on repeat because it is just so good and has such a powerful message to me. The song is by Elliot Smith called Between the Bars (if you haven’t heard it I recommend you go listen like ASAP). When I first heard it in the movie Stuck in Love with Logan Lerman I of course associated it with being a love song, I mean the scene in the movie was in regard to a romantic relationship, and the movie was obviously all about love haha.

Anyway, the more I listened, the more I heard an entirely different song. At first I was thinking a guy was singing to a girl promising to make her feel better. Then I realized the point of view of the lyrics are not from a boy but from a bottle of alcohol (or any substance for that matter). Once I came up with that interpretation the song really began to resonate with me. With lyrics like:

“People you’ve been before that you don’t want around anymore”

  just reminds me of my days of using when even the thought of who I had been before the drug use would just upset me so much. I didn’t want to be that person anymore, because of the person I had become, so I tried to forget the old me. In a way I could feel the more I got high the more I was slipping away from myself, and anytime I was reminded of who I was, the drugs would just call out to me. The thought of being sober and confronting my real issues scared me and I just wanted out. Honestly at that point I didn’t think I could go back even if I wanted to.

“Drink up one more time, and I’ll make you mine, keep you apart here in my heart. Separate from the rest where I like you the best”.

 Again this song in particular is about alcohol but really anyone could listen and think of any substance they’ve ever relinquished control to. The words are so perfect, I mean any substance prefers you to be isolated, those lyrics depict that beautifully. I remember how often I sat and thought about everything I could have been but of course could never get there. I was just making empty promises to myself and only the drugs knew that.

“Where I’m seeing you there
With your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught”

Anyone can tell you that when you are in the grip of an addiction that is the only comfort you seem to find anywhere. It isn’t that no one is there for you, sometimes you have PLENTY of people trying to help you, but no one understands you. The only thing that truly gets you and is there for you when you need it is the thing that is causing you the most harm. Of course you will never figure that out until you are completely done with giving in to that temptation of empty promises.

I am a huge fan of Elliot Smith and I do know he struggled with alcoholism for a long time which is why it makes perfect sense for the song to be about that. But I am a girl and we really love to jump to the conclusion that most songs are love songs with some guy promising us the world. At the same time though, even after making this connection to the song, it is still a love song. I am sure I am not the only person to say that you don’t just DO things you are addicted to. You have a relationship with them. You are committed to them and only them. NOTHING else matters not even your own well being. That being said, technically this song still is a love song, isn’t it?

It feels good to be back in LA and be writing again. The only thing that could make it better are your responses/requests/questions so let me have it!

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Between the Bars by Elliot Smith]

Viva Las Vegas!

Well I hope everyone had a fabulous 4th of July weekend! I know I sure did! Let me start out by saying I absolutely LOVE having a 3-Day weekend but it sure is rough coming back to work (especially if you spent your weekend like I did!)

I can’t even believe that it had been almost two whole years since I had been in Vegas. Seriously. I mean technically I officially flew out October 11th, but leading up to that starting September 24th I was in jail, so I don’t really consider that time “being” in Vegas, I mean I was in a cell so I really could have been anywhere lol. Then the three weeks before that I had been in New York so yeah, point being, almost two years since I had been to Vegas until this last weekend lol.

When my friends invited me to tag along on there already planned Vegas trip I won’t lie I was a little hesitant. I mean I don’t have really any decent clothes suitable for extremely hot weather nor do I have many options for a night out. There was also the fact that the last time I was in Las Vegas I was literally being escorted from jail to rehab lol. I understand that some people might not find that humorous, but honestly looking back after two years, I can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous I was. For those of you who may think it difficult to find humor in your own misfortunes there is a quote from one of my ALL TIME favorite movies [Garden State] that has always stuck with me:

What do you do? You laugh. I’m not saying I don’t cry, but in-between I laugh, because I realized how silly it is to take life too seriously. If you can’t learn to laugh at yourself then life is gonna seem a whole lot longer than you’d like.”

But seriously, all jokes aside, I was actually a little nervous. Not because I thought that I was going to get back there and throw away all the progress I have made. I am actually VERY confident in myself and have a pretty good sense of self control. It was just a tiny little feeling of nerves for which I had no real explanation because I seriously didn’t know what they were stemming from. I just assumed the feelings I had were from a combination of things: excitement of being on a vacation with my friends in VEGAS, nerves of going to Vegas, curiosity of how I may feel once I’m in VEGAS, and etc.

Long story short ALL of that nonsense just faded away as soon as I caught sight of the Las Vegas Strip. Hannah checked into our room at the Monte Carlo, Keira made the cocktails and the rest of the weekend created itself! I won’t give an entire play by play, because let’s face it, a weekend in Vegas would be a novel. I’ll try to sum it up as best I can without losing the essence that is LAS VEGAS.

Night 1 We played Black Jack with Canadians until the sun came up and we were all winners eh! There was an attempt made at the Craps table by Keira, Hannah, and I between the hours of 10pm and sunrise but that was short lived seeing as uhh it’s not as easy to win money there (oh well at least we got to roll the dice). Oh, and I witnessed a brilliant rendition of Ice Ice Baby, performed by none other than The Geary sister’s (not even joking, they seriously put Vanilla Ice to shame). #YOLO

Day 2 We drank pitchers of Mojitos by the pool where apparently 40 year old men enjoy wrestling and also teaching us about weather patterns. After all that excitement we returned to our room and watched THREE very dramatic Lifetime movies while waiting for our second wind.

Night 2 We wore fur coats, I know what you’re thinking; “Fur Coats in Vegas?!” Crazy right? WRONG. We had to wear the coats because we were hanging out inside of a bar made of ICE (Minus5 Ice Bar). It was pretty much one of the coolest things I have ever experienced. Our shots and drinks were all inside of cups literally made of ice, Hannah and I even took a shot out of an Ice Sculpture, and we got some really cool photos (Julio the photographer: you still have my heart). After that we went to check out the new-and-improved Drais on the roof of the Cromwell (yeah it is no longer in a basement). It was pretty nice, definitely less sketchy than when it was a basement, but it was almost exactly like the Drais on top of the W in Hollywood. So it was kind of like Deja Vu for me. I guess it was bigger and probably nicer, I am not too sure since we weren’t inside very long before three lovely British boys bumped into us on the patio. Naturally I initiated a conversation which wasn’t difficult for me because I am so charismatic and outgoing… Okay okay it’s actually because I am a die hard Harry Potter fan and, I mean come on, these guys were British! So I did what I do best and started off with asking if they’re Harry Potter fans (yeah I’m a nerd I know this already). Lol. So we were heading down to play Black Jack and they decided to join us, seems odd for us to leave the club to gamble, but the Black Jack tables were very kind to us girls all weekend. After an hour or so the ladies decided to turn in early because we were leaving at 6am to drive home but to me that translated to all-nighter. It was our last night in Vegas after all. So I just continued to gamble with my new friends and took my first EVER trip to the Stratosphere since I went on the ride as a kid (for good reason too, that area is so ghetto). It was on the way there that I  had some pretty interesting conversations about whether or not Kurt Cobain killed himself (even got to hear some great sing alongs to Come as You Are in the cab). At the hotel the discussions contributed to favorite movies/directors/actors, why Cali drivers go in the slow lane to pass you when you’re in the middle lane, how we have intersections and they have roundabouts, I mean the list goes on…

Oh yeah, and I was told that when I go to London I am guaranteed discounted tickets to Harry Potter World, and I will be holding them to that.

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So as you can see, the trip was a definite success, especially when you come home with the money back that you had spent on the trip itself. I am forever grateful for the game of Black Jack and whoever created it. I got home at 10am and slept until I literally had to wake up for work the next day hahaha I definitely needed that rest though. And now I am back to reality of working. Living my boring old life with no awesome British boys to hangout with and no Bars made of ice to go to. Just me and little Kat in my studio in the Valley, working a 9-5, having the same friends I’ve had forever… Hmm. I must say though, for a boring life full of normalcy, I think it is pretty damn good <3

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Jilted Lovers by The Naked and Famous]

Friends are like Uggs… No one wants the fake ones!

Oh hello Tuesday (even though it feels like Monday). I was out sick yesterday so my week is already off to a weird start while I get my days confused and TV showtimes mixed up LOL! I hope everyone had a good weekend, mine was pretty mellow considering, I know most of you went to Stagecoach so that is exciting!! I was actually supposed to go to that (I know shocking because I am not a huge country music fan) but my best friend was going so my dad surprised me with a ticket which was pretty cool. Unfortunately the place she was staying didn’t have enough room for one more person. Oh well, there is always next year, probably best to save money anyways since I am planning an EPIC Vegas trip!

Anyways, I decided to dedicate this blog post to friendship, because I have been so fortunate throughout my life with the friends I have made. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my run ins with a few bitches along the way, as I am sure most of you have as well. Here is my biggest pet peeve when it comes to being friends with girls: why do you always gotta lash out against one another? I mean in reality we should be on the same team. We are women, there is nothing more powerful and beautiful than that, united we can do pretty much anything. When we fight and talk shit about each other that is when we are at our weakest and of course the opposite sex can EASILY take advantage. I have been in more than one situation like that in my life and trust me when I say that guys will always pin girls against each other because we are weaker when we stand alone. #TrueStory.

Me, I absolutely LOVE having friends that are girls, we are so much fun! I cherish the friendships I have had all of these years and can proudly say that I have kept almost all of them in good standing the entire length of the friendship (minus a few bumps here and there). I was just speaking on the phone to my friend Bekah last night about how we met and you are gonna love this story. I was living in Vegas and had only been there a few months so I would always go into this bar Blue Martini to visit my friend Natalie while she was working. There was a guy bartender there that I thought was really cute so I would always go hang out at his bar and flirt with him (typical) but tonight I noticed there were two girls sitting right there where he was working. Now I am not a bitch, contrary to popular belief, so I decided to introduce myself to the girls. One of them really had a story to tell. I mean this girl was talking my EAR OFF. She was very nice and everything but it was just a lot to take in. Somewhere inside the stories she was telling she let slip that they came to that bar to see the bartender because her friend Bekah had a crush on him, that is when I was introduced to her friend, and at the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers. Over a year later and she is one of my best friends, I seriously love her to death and have been through so much with her, and we met going after the same guy. Shocking right?

When you think about it though it actually isn’t that shocking. We bonded over the fact that we both thought the same guy was hot and that he happened to be a total tool. We weren’t trying to fight for him we were actually more satisfied with the friendship we gained from each other than a crappy one night stand with some asshole. That is how I approach most situations with my friends. I will NEVER put a guy first it just isn’t who I am. Because at the end of the day that guy could leave you or cheat on you or you could end on peaceful terms, either way you are going to want that friend by your side. I think when it comes to friendship the main factor that keeps it together is selflessness. Because let’s face it, you are going to have to listen to your friend bitch and cry and talk shit, even if you are having a crappy day. It is their turn then it is your turn. Sometimes vice versa.

There is just no way a friendship is going to last if you think the world is all about you and you expect your friends to constantly listen to you and be there for you if you do not reciprocate. I mean the same thing goes in a relationship too right? You’re not going to want to date someone who demands everything from you and gives nothing in return are you? Didn’t think so. So here is a reality check: I am not a bitch, but I also do not surround myself with selfish people who believe the world caters to them, those people carry bad energy that I do not care for. I have been through some shit, no worse than anyone else’s shit, but shit nonetheless. So forgive me for not choosing to stand by and allow people to treat myself and others that I care about as if they live to serve these so-called “friends”. I give tons of second chances and everyone knows that about me, but I only do it for those who truly meant something to me, and who I believe actually deserve it. If you haven’t shown me the same amount of respect and time that I feel a friendship deserves, then you can expect to no longer see me as your friend, and that is just how it is.

Now I know we are adults and this is not High School with the Myspace Top 8 and the “you can’t sit with us” bullshit. But whatever the age these things still become a problem and they still matter. I hate to admit it, and yes maybe it is because I am a girl, but that is just the way it is. So if you are a female out there and you are reading this: CHERISH YOUR FRIENDS. They deserve it. No one will be there for you like they have been and will be. And if you have a shitty friend who basically expects to always be a top priority in your life but has no problem shoving you aside in their own, then repeat after me:

“You’re Basic, Bye!”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Fuel to Fire by Agnes Obel]

I can take so much, til I’ve had enough

Expectations. We all have them, some very high, and some very low. When people get into the habit of expecting too much they set themselves up for disappointment and it is like a disease it just spreads and people end up missing out on simple joys in life because of it.

The song I posted above has been a favorite of mine recently. When I look back on all the times I had people counting on me I am reminded only of the pressure I felt. It is the most stressful thing to have people looking for you to do something: graduate from college, make a relationship work, keep a good job… And when you are unable to hold all of that together it’s as if people forget what it is like themselves and just question every choice you made as if it were the wrong one.

The truth is that we are all fantastic actors, we can fake anything, and a lot of the time we do. I had a boyfriend tell me once that I was such an amazing actress during a fight because I started crying. And although I was not acting in that moment and it actually upset me even more when he said that, all I could think about was how natural it felt, and how all the times I was with him and not being sad was the moments I was in fact playing a part. We all do that a little more than we would care to admit.

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am”

Let me tell you, my ex boyfriend was right, I am a great actress. I mean half the time when my world is falling apart it appears as though I have everything in complete control. I do not know why I do this. It is natural for people to struggle and there is no shame in it, but I guess it is my pride, and the fear of appearing weak. This, however, has been one of my greatest downfalls in my past. Working so hard to hold everything together and not show how much I am struggling only led be to overwhelming stress which eventually assisted in my struggle to keep myself from drowning.

The reality is that we are HUMAN. It is okay to breakdown and cry sometimes. It is okay to fail. No one is perfect and if you think you know someone who is I can bet you a million dollars they are faking it. Nothing leaves you feeling more empty than pretending to be happy and solid when you are not. Society has put this unrealistic image of strength and perfection in our heads and we need to just snap out of it. Some of the most beautiful parts of us lie in our imperfections, flaws, and struggles.

The best part about human relationships is knowing that there are others out there sharing the same difficulties as you.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Human by Christina Perri]

I know the world’s not fair to you, I’ve got a cure for it’s crimes.

 

Happy Monday everyone. I will say that this week I am actually TOTALLY okay with it being Monday because I am counting down the days until I go see Tegan and Sara on Saturday in Palm Springs!!! So excited!!

Anyway, as happy as I am about this coming weekend, today’s post is going to be a little on the downer side, warning you in advance. Now I know it is silly to try and place blame on things for our own mistakes in life. I am the Queen of blaming everyone else for my misfortunes and it definitely resulted in me being stuck in my rut for far too long. I spent SO MUCH TIME focusing on how much my parents messed me up which led to my decisions in dating which led to being treated like shit by boyfriends which led to my drug addiction and etc. I was so consumed by this that I was literally convinced that I was not the problem. Everyone else was the problem and I was just facing the consequences of their fuck ups.

Although, there is some truth to the idea that parents shape us into the adults we become, and if they aren’t careful then we could end up entering the real world completely unprepared. If we have unresolved issues with our parents this COULD carry over into our romantic relationships and that is never good. However, once you actually get out into the real world, and you begin to experience the negative effects of these things, well then it is all on you to change it. You can’t just sit there and give up saying “oh well it’s all their fault so there is nothing I can do about it”. That is a little childish don’t you think?

Here is my truth: I was so sad about things that happened in my family during my childhood and teen years that I just wanted to escape. My escape was becoming someone else and burying those insecurities and emotions down deep. Because I shifted all of my focus away from myself and my own problems I was never able to fully get a grip on my life, I was too busy focusing on everyone else and their problems, which dragged me even further down. In the end, the people I spent all my energy trying to “save” didn’t need me anymore and I would end up alone all over again, with nothing of my own because all I had done was get them things for themselves. This resulted in me feeling even worse about myself and my life and how my parents never told me how tough and cruel the world can be and I was just hopeless, bla bla bla. Then comes the drugs. SO MANY DRUGS.

Ecstasy, blow, acid, shrooms, painkillers, and my personal favorite meth. All of the others were just temporary distractions. Stuff you party with but none of them really stuck with me or caused me to lose a job or anything. But meth, that one got me in my lowest point, I was basically looking for something to destroy me and I literally didn’t even have to look for it. It came right to me. The whole time I was with my ex boyfriend I was using all of my energy to make him feel like a better person and convince him of how great he was. While at the same time he was slowly but surely manipulating me into thinking I was this terrible person and in the end when he cheated on me that really was the final nail in the coffin. So there I was allowing my world to crumble around me because “what was the point” and BAM someone just offers me this drug. Nothing was ever the same after that.

The entire time I was using I was so numb to everything. I just didn’t care anymore and that was such a relief. In the end I was so tired of living in this miserable life I just wanted it to be over you know? But no matter what I did, and trust me I did some dangerous shit, I still always managed to survive. So here I am today thinking back about all the times I wished I didn’t have to be here anymore…. and I am so happy that I am still here. That is what keeps me going. I let go of all that blame and anger because the truth is that people make mistakes. Parents, children, brothers and sisters. We all do. Life is hard, people suck most of the time, and pretty much NONE of it is ever really going to be fair. But it is like that for EVERYONE. Since I let all of that negativity go my life just started kind of falling into place, I mean yeah I have had to work at it, but it isn’t such a struggle to work at it anymore. It isn’t such a struggle to be happy anymore.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening: Midnight Coward by Stars]

Fairy tales

Well, this is my very first blog post, and I am really excited about it. I have basically been attempting to write a book for years now, and although I am not giving up on that goal, I still needed an outlet to just share my story somehow. So my friend led me into the direction of blogging and here I am! All I can hope for is people to read what I write and either find clarity in whatever they may be going through, or even just comfort in knowing they’re not alone.

So, I will start off by asking you to use your imagination, and just pretend you are about to read a fairy tale. You see, as children we are tucked in for bed at night and our parents read us these stories, intending to help us have pleasant dreams, a million hopes, and of course a happy ending. But as we grow older we begin living a completely different “fairy tale”. The one called life, and boy are we surprised.

     Now, most of you know these stories by heart, so you know that they are all pretty much expressing the same message: There is a King and Queen and all they want is a child but are unable to have one. So an evil witch comes and offers to solve their problems, under the condition that the child will go live with the witch when she turns 18. So of course the King and Queen agree with the naive hope that by the time their daughter turns 18 the witch will have somehow forgotten the whole deal.

    Fast forward to the Princess on the eve of her 18th birthday, she is on her balcony overlooking the city engulfed in sadness. She feels trapped in the life she is living and wants so desperately to experience adventure, freedom, and love. She believes that her two loving parents are just too strict, smothering her by being overprotective, and that living in that beautiful castle with them is unfair. She is convinced that something is missing and hopes that she will find some type of magic to fill the emptiness that haunts her.

    When the sun begins to set the princess changes into common clothes, carefully sneaks out of the castle, and heads directly into a spooky forest. Within this forest she always finds herself in some sort of danger; an evil witch disguised as a poor old woman, a hungry forest monster, nomad hooligans who try to rob her, and I am sure you get the idea. In the midst of danger a handsome outcast, who happened to be camped out at a nearby tree with some kind of animal friend, rushes to the rescue of the Damsel in distress and whisks her away to a safe cave or pond or clearing. In this safe zone they each inquire about the others quest, the Princess lies about who she is but the outcast figures it out and tries to put her down for running away because of how lucky she is. The Princess begins to list all of the reasons why she is far from lucky and how she cannot think for herself or make her own decisions and is constantly trying to make her parents proud living the life they want for her but it doesn’t make her happy and she wants to choose her own destiny, blah blah blah. Upset at his disapproval the Princess storms off alone expecting him to follow. The outcast paces back and forth yelling about how spoiled she is too his animal sidekick, refuses to go after her, then hears her scream and runs to save her. The story continues with their journey of discovery, the periodic short love ballads sung by woodland creatures, and a solo song by the villain that reveals the secret of the Princess and her childhood. After a few more obstacles to overcome the two end up at the Castle where the story began to defeat the villain in a very epic battle. The King and Queen then rush out to embrace their daughter and she makes them promise not to keep secrets from her again. She then introduces them to the outcast whom they would normally disapprove of but given the circumstances they are delighted to meet him. The King and Queen immediately put together a wedding, the outcast becomes a Prince and the Princess, with all of her questions finally answered, is no longer empty but completely satisfied with her life. As they are pulled away in their horse drawn carriage the movie ends with the display of “And they lived Happily Ever After. The End.”

     So, with that being said, I should tell you that when it comes to the “fairy tale” I just shared above,  I am the Princess. Only, I am not a Princess at all. I am a normal girl just like any other,  willing to bet that out of all the women reading this, at least one has shared the same thoughts as our dear Princess. As for the men reading along I can only assume you see yourself as the outcast. Quite the contrary, you are the Princess too. The Princess of the story represents every single person who at one point in their life reaches a dead end; you find yourself trapped and unable to figure out why. So you make an impulsive decision. Whether it be to rebel against your overbearing parents, or in hopes to get the attention from parents who just don’t ever seem to notice. Unfortunately, the end of every fairy tale brings you back to where it started, the Castle. But in real life the story doesn’t end, it starts all over again, giving you another shot. In a vicious cycle each new start is more challenging than the one before, until you finally get it right.

     Now here I am, fresh out of rehab, starting over yet again. I really do feel like this time I will get it right though. I may have said that many times before, but something about this last year has really made an impact on me, and I do not think I could survive another trip down to the ever-so-cliche “rock bottom”

xoxo.