The Monsters in my head are scared of Love.

Hello everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend (I know I definitely did). I spent Friday through Sunday in Las Vegas relaxing in a beautiful Venetian Suite by day and partying to Skrillex and Diplo by night! All good things must end and now I am home wishing I were still there because reality can be such a bummer.

I know you are all used to me ranting on and on about my cynical views on love, and even though I constantly insist that I am NOT cynical when it comes to relationships, I am sure most of you don’t believe me haha. Here is the honest truth though: Love seriously terrifies me. I mean it. I can handle ANY scary movie out there. I actually enjoy the adrenaline rush I get from fear. But meeting someone and letting my guard down, giving them the potential to hurt me, that has got to be the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I think my biggest worry has been that I will meet that “someone” and we will be together and be happy and whatever, and then one day he will just wake up and not love me anymore, but feel obligated to me or something and stay in the relationship even though he isn’t happy anymore. I think this stems from witnessing all the unhappiness around me. Divorce, adultery, lying, cheating, manipulation, and etc. Like I said in my previous post, my Venus is in Pisces (astrologically speaking), and I believe that makes me even more empathetic when it comes to feeling what happens to those around me. It is like this quote I heard in one of my favorite films “The United States of Leland” where Ryan Gosling’s character is explaining the two ways of seeing the world: that you can either see the sadness that is behind everything, or you can choose to keep it all out.

It covers my eyes. It’s all I can see. Say there’s some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won’t let play because he tells corny jokes and no one thinks they’re funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they’re gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can’t even look each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.”

That is how he describes being the type of person who sees the sadness all around us, it is the best way I can describe how I feel all of the time, and it literally causes my heart to hurt on a daily basis. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be one of those people who keeps that out I really don’t and I wish I did. I wish so badly to be one of those people who can just allow myself to be loved despite the risk involved because I want it trust me I want it so bad. But I find it so much simpler to just be alone and not even put myself through the mess. I mean tell me, how can I even begin to allow myself to dive head first into a commitment when all around me I see married couples in open relationships and guys who have serious girlfriends but are talking to me about sleeping with me? Because there is no way in hell I want to be the wife who stays home while my husband brings his girlfriend to Vegas, and I definitely don’t want to be the girlfriend who finds out my boyfriend has been cheating on me but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to “hurt me”, I just don’t even know what to think anymore all I know is that my walls are up and it is not for no reason. All of a sudden I can’t sleep again and I am beginning to question so many things as I continue to move forward in my life and I just want to know what is the point of it all? What is the point of feeling so empty without the ultimate outcome being that I become full?

And in the end, we are all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald


[Currently Listening to: Bruised by Jacks Mannequin]


Finally you have found someone perfect.

Hello everyone. I am not sure if you can guess the subject of today’s post by the title/photo but it is something that has come up in quite a few conversations lately so I figured I would write about it.

Marriage. I believe I wrote a post a while back about this adorable married couple I know and the insight I got from them on how to make it work and etc. So, lately I have been having these discussions with my sister, and she believes that I am totally living in some fantasy world. You see, despite what it may seem like from reading my blog, I am actually not a cynical person when it comes to love. Oh boy do I believe in love. I mean REALLY believe in it. The whole boy meets girl, boy and girl fall madly in love, get married and start a family… you know how the story goes. And why shouldn’t it go like that? Is it that hard to fathom that there is someone out there that is just perfect for you and when you meet him you just know? I am not completely unrealistic, I know that there is more to marriage than just love and I know that love isn’t always enough, trust me I know that. But that doesn’t mean that love isn’t a huge part of it. If anything I believe that love is like, the MAIN part of it… right?

Now my sister seems to think that because of my “fantasy” that I am living in I will have a very difficult time settling down and getting married. She says this because she believes that marriage is a business deal and the whole purpose is to find someone who will be a good husband to me and a good father to our children (when that time comes). He will be someone who will love our children and take care of us the way we need to be taken care of. That doesn’t mean I don’t need to have a job or whatever it isn’t all about finances but just in the grand scheme of things he is the right guy for the task at hand. When she said this I told her I don’t think that is how it is, I feel that if I don’t marry for love then I will wake up one day full of regret and unhappiness and want to leave him, and my biggest fear of marriage is to follow in my parents footsteps and raise my hypothetical children in a broken home. Her response to this was: “You know what you do when you wake up unhappy and want to leave? You get up, you go and play with your kids that you had with this man, you think about how good he is to those kids, and then you go to sleep. Because chances are those feelings will pass by the time you wake up”. Yeah… that is the wisdom I get from my older sister ha ha.

So who knows, maybe my ideals on love and marriage will make me actually achieving them difficult, I suppose only time will tell. All I know is that I would rather live my entire life alone than marry someone just because it was the “logical” thing to do. I don’t need some whimsical romance to sweep me off my feet like in the movies but it that much to ask to actually connect with someone and just get lost in it? I mean yeah I want to be smart about it, I want us to have careers, and I want us to be able to build a life together comfortably. But can’t you have that and be in love?

Anyway, for now, I love the fairytale I am living in. There may not be a knight in shining armor just yet, but that’s okay, I am all the hero I need at the moment.


[Currently Listening to: Hard to Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers]

Yours is the first face that I saw. I swear I was blind before I met you.

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope everyone had a great time with their loved ones and got to enjoy some time off work like I did!

This post is inspired by a married couple that I have had the pleasure of witnessing recently that made my jaw literally drop in awe of the romance I noticed still fresh in their relationship. At first I assumed they were newlyweds and shortly after I discovered that they have been together for years. So I took it upon myself to ask the husband his opinion on what it is that makes them still so in love to this day.

It’s funny because I come from divorced parents and a lot of the married couples I see nowadays are remarried or separated etc. So it is definitely rare to experience this fresh type of love I see when I see this couple together. And even when I asked him about it, and he was sharing how they met and got together, his eyes just lit up and it was really amazing. He shared with me that a lot of it is faith but also just making one another a better person. He stated that he is such a big kid and she embraces that but also brings out the adult in him and that he brings out the kid in her. They compliment each other in such a way that it just works. And it makes sense. I mean I have seen it with my own two eyes. Or that when he gets home from a rough day maybe after sitting in traffic and she asks how his day was and he snaps “oh it was horrible I just sat in traffic for two hours bla bla bla” and most women might let that get to them like they’re taking it out on them and get upset but she just says “okay well I’m sorry about that but that isn’t my fault” and he thinks “wow you’re right it’s not your fault”. It was really remarkable to get this point of view for myself, as most of you know, my idea of relationships lasting is quite negative. He also shared with me that they went on a few dates and then he was moving and a year later when he kne we was moving back he knew he had to call her because she was so fun, and she was dating someone else, so he told her when it ends he will be taking her out. And he did.

It was all so very romantic and inspiring so I had to ask his permission to share it in this blog. I felt I owed my readers a positive blog on love and relationships especially in the midst of the holiday season. Lol. I hope you all enjoyed this one and I hope you all get the chance to experience this one-of-a-kind type of love. I know when I see these two together it gives me hope that maybe one day I will meet the one for me and it will be just as full as romance and love as this one is!


My Dream Proposal


So this post is a little random but I recently found out that the Universal Studios out here in California is getting a Harry Potter World just like Orlando! So that inspired me to share with all of you my very planned out dream proposal.

To start out, whoever dates me long enough to actually plan on spending there life with me, probably knows how obsessed I am with Harry Potter. This person will probably also know that my entire life all I have ever wanted is an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. Basically they will know me pretty damn well.

Fast forward however many years and I am dating the man of my dreams and he decides he wants to propose. So he of course asks my fathers permission and if he gets his blessing the rest is pretty simple. He will buy two tickets to Universal Orlando for the Harry Potter World and two plane tickets to Florida. He will place the tickets inside a personally designed card that says “You have been accepted to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”. He will surprise me with this card on our anniversary and I will be SO excited! Once we get there we will do EVERYTHING, drink butterbeer, ride the rides, buy clothes, and of course go to Ollivanders Wand Shop to get my very own wand. There he will skillfully slip the ring into the wand box so that when the wand chooses me (because yeah, they do that) I will get it wrapped in the box and when he urges me to open I will and BAM he is down on one knee in the middle of Hogsmead proposing!!!

Obviously I will say yes and we will live happily ever after because, let’s face it, any guy that does something like that is a freakin keeper! Lol! So yeah I am a huge nerd, no surprise there, but I love it! Hope all of you do too <3