If I were a Boy…

[Lyrics credit: If I Were a Boy by Beyoncé]
Good morning my faithful followers! Let me start out by APOLOGIZING for my temporary hiatus. I am not proud to admit that I got caught up in something that distracted me from my focus on myself. YES, I admit it, I FELL FOR A BOY! Despite my better judgment in all the blog posts I have written WARNING all you ladies from getting deterred from your personal focus I foolishly allowed myself to do EVERYTHING I have encouraged you all NOT to do. I should start following my own advice…..
*WARNING* Long post ahead! Gotta make up for lost time right?
It all started last year, on Valentines Day (the horrible Hallmark holiday that I don’t even believe in) I was perfectly fine staying home alone like I do EVERY Valentines Day, but the Universe had other plans for me. The short version, I met a boy. Not just any boy though, oh no, on this night I met THE boy. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I have possibly known he was THE boy after just one chance encounter? Well, that’s easy: I just knew. He was the first boy I had ever met who had shared SO many of the same interests as me (including all the geeky stuff most people tell me NOT to share with anyone I am trying to date). I’m talking about nerdy decals on both of our cars, nerdy inspired tattoos, overwhelming knowledge of films that the vast majority knows nothing about, the whole nine yards.
Okay so let’s get to the good stuff right? So we exchanged Instagram information and I decided to get in touch with him later in the week.
Yeah…
I messaged him first, this is 2016 after all, and what can I say? He intrigued me. We exchanged some witty banter, very sarcastic and hilarious, and then he asked me out. I have to put this in quotes so you can all see what I saw:

Boy: Do you like horror films?
Girl: Yes! I love them!
Boy: Well, there is this theater that I love going to, they do this thing called Friday Night Frights, and this friday they’re doing Tales from the Dark Side…
Girl: Oh! that’s awesome!
Boy: So would you like to… hehe… go with me? :)”

Yep. Just like that. So simple. So adorable. I should have known right there that I was doomed. But this is ME we are talking about. I wanted nothing SERIOUS from this boy. And to be quite honest, I had previously been told some things about this boy which should have been enough to conclude that he was not someone to get involved with! But, me being me, I gave the benefit of the doubt. I mean, the information I had received DID come from his ex-girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned right? Maybe I should make my own judgments instead of basing them on an ex-girlfriend’s opinions right? So, I said yes, and I went on this “date” keeping my guard up with no intention of letting this boy in because I had NO desire to get mixed up with this boy! And I even told him this! I told him I was not looking for a boyfriend, that I did not want him to get any ideas of me being one of those girls who says one thing but does another, secretly planning to trap him in some awful “relationship” scenario. I was trying to hold my independent, free-spirited ground.
Fast forward (please) over the next few weeks of spending a good amount of time together, usually brought about by the boy because I wanted nothing to do with any couple-like behavior! Allow me to now bring the focus to a certain conversation between this boy and myself where he said, and I quote:
Boy: You’re so closed off. Like you have these walls up and I never know what  you’re thinking from one moment to the next.
Girl: Well this is due to my past. I have had some struggles that have left some scars and while I wear them proudly without regret I have learned to be wary of who I open up. Not that I look at everyone the same but in my experience every time I have let down my guard for someone it has resulted in me being hurt.
Boy: Well I want you to open up to me.
[girl lets out a quiet giggle]
Boy: I‘m serious! I know you have been let down in the past but I want you to know that you can come to me for anything. I want to be someone you can count on to always be there for you no matter what.”
No, this is not an exaggeration, he actually said that. This boy actually made me feel BAD for being so closed off, for keeping him at an arm’s length and he assured me that he would not hurt me like so many had before. Oh silly, naive Kara, actually falling for some stereotypical boy talk! Tell me ladies, how many of you have been told something similar by a boy, only to discover him pulling a disappearing act as soon as you begin to open up! But I dunno, I trusted the things he said, I really wanted to believe he meant it. So, this strong independent girl and her sturdy wall (constructed entirely from the sweet talk and empty promises fed to her from all the ghosts of bad boys past) went ahead and hired an entire demolition team specifically trained in the art of tearing down metaphorically built walls. And now you are probably wondering what was discovered in the rubble after this great wall of protection came down… I’m glad you asked!
One word: Vulnerability. Ah yes, just what every girl just wants, to be vulnerable with a boy. [she said with a heavily implied sarcastic undertone]
Okay, this story is looking more like a novel as each paragraph goes on. Let me try to wrap this up.
So, I generously opened up and bestowed my trust in this boy, a boy I put no pressure or demands on other than one simple request that we just remain honest with one another. Like, “Hey we aren’t in a relationship, you’re not my boyfriend, you’re free to do whatever you want and all I ask is for you to please not keep secrets from me. Seeing as we are both adults, participating in an adult relationship of some kind, I think it is only fair to share with one another if we choose to take part in adult activities with anyone else. I mean out of respect to the other person (especially for health reasons)”. I really didn’t think this was an unreasonable request. Some people might even say that it was very open-minded and totally cool of me. Not this boy. Nope! This boy found the request to be asking SO much of him! How dare I ask such a thing. I mean, sure there are girls who demand a ring after sharing the amount of time we had spent together, but not this girl. No way. This girl merely asks the boy to show her a tiny bit of respect.
Do boys understand that not ALL girls do this as a manipulation tactic to gain ammunition for a fight? Some girls actually just prefer to maintain their independence by being entitled to having a choice. Those little details will spare the girl of the potential hurt that usually results from being misled and ultimately finding out (trust me we always find out). I mean, excuse me for wanting to hold onto even an OUNCE of dignity and control over my life, forgive me for expressing to a boy that he is free to do as he pleases while only asking him to AT LEAST allow me the power to CHOOSE whether or not I want things to continue if such situation were to arise. His defense? Oh you are going to LOVE this:

Boy: Well you never asked me if I was okay with those terms.
Girl: You mean the terms of me saying you can do whatever you want but please be honest with me if you sleep with someone else? Those terms?
Boy: Yeah, well, sorry but you’re obviously more than just a “friends with benefits” to me and being honest with you about that made me uncomfortable.
Girl: If I mean more to you than a “friends with benefits” than why are you treating me like I’m less than that?
Boy: ……”

Remember earlier when I said the thing about me giving the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. Add that to the whole “vulnerable” thing and I’m sure you can all guess that there was no moment where a little imaginary light bulb turned on reminding me that I know better than to believe things could ever be different. No, sadly this previously strong independent girl went ahead and did the most idiotic thing possible…. she fell for the guy! *dramatically smacks self on the forehead*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

Yeah, you guessed it, it happened again! Let me help you out guys, just in case any of you decide to use this tactic to exhibit some sort of  “rebellion” or in an attempt to prove yourself that you’re a MAN and your business is yours alone. When you do something that you know is wrong and you keep it to yourself, you feel guilty (duh we learn that in like Kindergarten). Of course, in this case, it’s just so silly because technically he was entitled to do whatever he wanted. But the whole “secret keeping” was wrong because he knew all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. Anyway, the guilty feelings just sit in your subconscious eating away at you creating a rather annoying inner dialogue driving you CRAZY and as a result who essentially gets punished? The guy keeping the secret he knows he doesn’t have to be keeping? Oh no, NEVER! Me, the unassuming girl who has done nothing but blindly trust you and do whatever she can to continue building a strong friendship with you, the lying boy! Grrr.
Don’t worry, the end’s not near, it’s here (Band of Horses lyric. Kudos to you if you caught that one). So here we are, present day, and let me take this time to emphasize that this boy is actually a really great guy. And no I am not saying that as some sad little girl who wants to make the world believe he is a good guy but in reality, he treats her terribly. I am saying this as a girl who made plenty of mistakes during the duration of our… whatever it was… it takes two to tango right? Did that boy make some poorly executed decisions? Sure. Did his lack of communication skills make things 10 times more difficult than they needed to be causing little things to be blown tremendously out of proportion? Definitely. But at the same time, when we met he expressed to me that he was unable to handle any sort of relationship at that point in time. So the fault doesn’t lie with either one or the other, the reality is that neither he nor I expected to enjoy each others company as much as we did, and that can be really difficult to handle, especially if you don’t feel like you’re ready for something like that.
In the whole mess of hormones and logic and feelings, ultimately it comes down to this: we are all human. We all find ourselves getting lost in things that are out of our control, but it is our responsibility to either find our way out, or consciously continue therefore no longer being lost. I do not regret a moment I spent with that boy because let me tell you, I had some of the most amazing moments with him, things I doubt I would have ever experienced had I not met him. And, despite the pain I endured, I can still honestly say that he is my best friend. He was there for me for so many mind-numbing talks and he comforted me so many times when he really didn’t have to. The guy who after knowing me a mere four months surprised me with my first trip to Comic-Con for free and accompanied me to my semi-unbearable family functions. He was suffered through endless text messages of my ramblings even when he had no idea who I was talking about. Brainstorming solutions to an insane amount of problems that continued to slam me time and time again. And while I can easily say “I never asked for this, I never asked to fall in love with him” he can say the same thing about me. He never asked for this, he never asked for me to fall in love with him. It’s not like he would ever want to lose our friendship. In a million years I know he would never want that.
Unfortunately, even with my level-headed mature reasoning, I cannot end this without admitting the embarrassing truth. That I am broken. Nothing feels the same anymore. There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed because facing a day that doesn’t involve him doesn’t even feel worth it. Call me dramatic, go ahead, I don’t care. There was a time where I could care less about dating and then something I didn’t even know I was looking for went ahead and found me. And when it did it was like this weight was just lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I could finally breathe again. I have never known what it felt like to be sure of anything in my entire life until I met him. Now even breathing hurts. Every song I hear and every movie I watch finds a way to remind me of him and it just hurts. And the worst part about all of this is that the one person I want to call who would normally make me feel like everything is going to be okay, I can’t even call. No matter how hard I want to try and make him understand how this feels I just know he will never understand. In his mind, it is just something that happened, something we didn’t mean to happen, but it happened and the only thing left to do is move on. I would literally give anything for his ability to just push things to the back of my mind and move on. But I can’t. All I can do is sit and wonder if this pain will ever go away. I have been in relationships before and obviously, I have gotten over those relationships but the reality is that every guy I have ever dated I always knew wouldn’t last. There was always some very OBVIOUS reason for why it was only temporary. This guy is different. I just wish I could somehow share this with him, without the possibility of him thinking I am just some sad little girl. I just wish he knew that he is the most important person in my life, and how meaningless and empty this life now feels without him.
Don’t people realize that they are capable of completely destroying others? Is it that your self-worth is so low that you find the possibility of affecting someone completely unfathomable?
Well, newsflash, you matter. You’re capable of hurting others. And if you’re going to assume the responsibility of making someone feel good then don’t run away when those good feelings turn bad. Remember, it takes two to tango.
xo. Kara Love
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I want Love to conquer all. But Love can’t conquer anything. It relies on us to do the conquering on its behalf.

Before I start I would like to share that I am currently job hunting which has taken up a lot of my time (hence the gap since the last post). To make matters worse I had the post all typed up and ready and then my nephew accidentally messed with my computer and it erased it. So I have tried to re-write it to the best of my ability. Let’s see how it goes.

    Relationships are hard. Whoever says differently are just kidding themselves. I think my favorite response to this is when people say “If you truly love the person then relationships are easy”. Pardon my language but that is bullshit. As soon as you involve the word LOVE it makes things a million times harder! Even when it becomes difficult people still pretend that everything is going just fine. It always amazes me when people know something is wrong but insist on ignoring it, as if that will make it go away. They avoid confrontation and end up boiling in resentment until they explode.

   This is how it starts: Boy meets girl (or girl meets boy) and nothing else seems to matter. Butterflies are in your stomach and it is almost as if you can take over any obstacle life throws at you. Your eyes light up while you tell people about them and you can envision the rest of your life going exactly as you always wanted.

“This is what love does: It makes you want to rewrite the world. It makes you want to choose the characters, build the scenery, guide the plot. The person you love sits across from you, and you want to do everything in your power to make it possible, endlessly possible. And when it is just the two of you alone in a room, you can pretend that this is how it is. This is how it’s going to be”. -David Levithan

Then when it is over, this depression hangs in the air as if the world is coming to an end, it is almost unbearable. Looking back over the past however many years dissecting every little detail trying to figure out what it is you did that brought things to the end. It goes on like this until someone new comes along and BAM! the world stops and all of that pain dissipates with the hope that this may be the one you have been waiting for. It is the exact definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

“The moment you fall in love it feels like it has centuries behind it, generations- all of them rearranging themselves so this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading up to this. All the secret arrows were pointing here, the Universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it. You are just now arriving at the place you’re meant to be”. -David Levithan

       I am not trying to be extremely cynical. Trust me I absolutely LOVE love. I want to be the kind of person that believes there is someone out there just for me. I want to believe that I exist in this world to be there for that someone. But I am just not good at relationships, I never have been, and that is something I am not sure I will ever be good at. I always manage to find flaws, sometimes in them, but mostly in myself. I can predict the end and then I go and cause the end. I do this in an attempt to save myself but end up alone [David Levithan].

    Even if the relationship doesn’t meet its end I still go about the relationship detached and aloof. This behavior usually bothers the person I am with and I know everyone tells me to just try, TRY to change, but why should I change myself for the person who supposedly loves me for who I am? I mean even when I detach, I care, you can be separate from something and still  care about it. That is one concept most people can’t seem to understand.

    Another factor is my taste in guys. I know all the girls reading this can relate. I am all about the troubled boys. The ones who need me to guide them and take care of them. It makes me feel needed and important. But the problem with being a girl who loves a lost boy, is the girl becomes lost herself [David Levithan, Every Day], and that is the beginning of the end. You spent all this time building a relationship and then it’s like one night you left the window open during a storm and everything was destroyed.

“The world is broken. But maybe it isn’t that we are supposed to find the pieces and put them back together. Maybe we’re the pieces. Maybe what we’re supposed to do is come together. That is how to stop the breaking”. -David Levithan

   Maybe the fantasy of love doesn’t exist anymore. But maybe that is okay. What is it that everyone always says? Everything is okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

As for me, I am perfectly happy not holding up to the status quo that everyone seems so hell bent on being apart of, it works for me. What doesn’t work for me is feeling like I have somehow failed because I am three years shy of 30 and not in a serious relationship. Maybe I will get married and maybe I won’t. Maybe I will have kids and maybe I won’t. I don’t know any of that yet. I am in my 20’s and I am living my life. This is the time of adventure and exploration, if during this time I meet someone with the same ideals as me then maybe I will have an adventure with them. I just don’t know. All I know is I am happy, and before this pressure of “falling in love” came over the world, happiness was the ultimate goal in living was it not?

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: School Friends by Now, Now]

I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together

 

Good evening everyone. I was listening to my music on shuffle when the song “Bent” came on by Matchbox Twenty. Not only do I just LOVE that song but the lyrics are just so relateable I felt the urge to blog about it.

I am sure most of you have heard the song but just in case you havent (or maybe you need a refresher) I will include one of the verses for you:

Shouldn’t be so complicated. Just hold me and then, hold me again. Can you help me I’m bent, I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. Keep breakin me in and this is how we will end, with you and me, bent.”

I am sure everyone can relate when it comes to a relationship that completely takes everything from you. So much that in the end you are afraid to move on and date anyone else because a part of you feels missing, like your ex took it with them, when the relationship ended.

This song to me sounds like the person meets someone new but before anything gets serious asks them if they can help fix what was broken by their last relationship. Of course it is not anyone else’s responsibility to take care of you or make everything better but what the artist is saying does make sesne, it shouldn’t be so difficult, your heart is broken why wouldn’t being loved by someone new repair it?

It might not be easy but I do believe that it is up to us to repair our broken hearts and I also think that the next person to love you definitely plays their part in putting all the pieces back together <3

xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Torn by The Fire and the Sea]

For you I’d break these walls, I’d choose to fall, I’m gonna cross that line for you.

 

Hello everyone! I know its been far too long since my last post and I definitely have an explanation. See I purchased a domain name and I’m in the process of making that transition so my blog can have its official website URL. On top of that I’m in school again and still working full time (also trying to maintain a life) I think you all catch my drift.

For today’s  post I wanted to touch on the subject of sleeping with your exes. We all know it’s a grey area when it comes to an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, it is the last person you felt comfortable with, and we all love regressing to what is comfortable. But here is the question: is it crossing a line to go back to an ex for physical purposes? Obviously I say it is not the best idea to go back to an ex and give the relationship another go (let’s be honest they are an EX for a reason) but what is the REAL harm in getting what you both need without any strings attached.

Only problem with the whole “no strings” is that they are your ex so emotional attachment is BOUND to be there no matter how “over” them you claim to be. So there is an issue right there. UNLESS you are able to get this taken care of in the form of “closure”…. You know what I mean by that, where there is that tiny unresolved piece from your past relationship, and you just can’t quite figure out how to take care of it and let them go. So you sleep with them and *poof* like magic you feel NOTHING and you are finally able to move on with your life.

We are all guilty of harboring feelings for an old flame and there is nothing wrong with it. The truth is that sometimes you never really get over them until you repair yourself from what they broke in you and give the fully restored version to the next one who will be the next chapter in your life. Most people prefer to erase that person completely and forget that part of their life ever happened in order to fix themselves and move on. And you know what if that works for you then so be it.

Others prefer to have that “one last time” moment with their ex. Just like a great book that you couldn’t ever put down, because the story was so captivating it engulfed you in every page, sometimes you want to go back and re-read it one more time. Not because you think the ending will change but because you remember how good you felt while you read it. And even if  the story doesn’t go on forever, and you know it still ends the same, it is still worth the read. Because you loved it that much.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Cross That Line by Joshua Radin]

The Monsters in my head are scared of Love.

Hello everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend (I know I definitely did). I spent Friday through Sunday in Las Vegas relaxing in a beautiful Venetian Suite by day and partying to Skrillex and Diplo by night! All good things must end and now I am home wishing I were still there because reality can be such a bummer.

I know you are all used to me ranting on and on about my cynical views on love, and even though I constantly insist that I am NOT cynical when it comes to relationships, I am sure most of you don’t believe me haha. Here is the honest truth though: Love seriously terrifies me. I mean it. I can handle ANY scary movie out there. I actually enjoy the adrenaline rush I get from fear. But meeting someone and letting my guard down, giving them the potential to hurt me, that has got to be the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I think my biggest worry has been that I will meet that “someone” and we will be together and be happy and whatever, and then one day he will just wake up and not love me anymore, but feel obligated to me or something and stay in the relationship even though he isn’t happy anymore. I think this stems from witnessing all the unhappiness around me. Divorce, adultery, lying, cheating, manipulation, and etc. Like I said in my previous post, my Venus is in Pisces (astrologically speaking), and I believe that makes me even more empathetic when it comes to feeling what happens to those around me. It is like this quote I heard in one of my favorite films “The United States of Leland” where Ryan Gosling’s character is explaining the two ways of seeing the world: that you can either see the sadness that is behind everything, or you can choose to keep it all out.

It covers my eyes. It’s all I can see. Say there’s some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won’t let play because he tells corny jokes and no one thinks they’re funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they’re gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can’t even look each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.”

That is how he describes being the type of person who sees the sadness all around us, it is the best way I can describe how I feel all of the time, and it literally causes my heart to hurt on a daily basis. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be one of those people who keeps that out I really don’t and I wish I did. I wish so badly to be one of those people who can just allow myself to be loved despite the risk involved because I want it trust me I want it so bad. But I find it so much simpler to just be alone and not even put myself through the mess. I mean tell me, how can I even begin to allow myself to dive head first into a commitment when all around me I see married couples in open relationships and guys who have serious girlfriends but are talking to me about sleeping with me? Because there is no way in hell I want to be the wife who stays home while my husband brings his girlfriend to Vegas, and I definitely don’t want to be the girlfriend who finds out my boyfriend has been cheating on me but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to “hurt me”, I just don’t even know what to think anymore all I know is that my walls are up and it is not for no reason. All of a sudden I can’t sleep again and I am beginning to question so many things as I continue to move forward in my life and I just want to know what is the point of it all? What is the point of feeling so empty without the ultimate outcome being that I become full?

And in the end, we are all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Bruised by Jacks Mannequin]

You brought out the best in me. A part of me I’ve never seen…

Hello everyone and happy Wednesday! So I have been feeling rather nostalgic lately and I am not sure if it is just because of the time of year it is or if it is just for any random reason but this post is going to be less “cynical anti-relationship Kara” and more “romantic loving love Kara”.

I discovered recently by doing a thorough reading of my Birth Chart that my Venus is in Pisces. This actually caused one of those “light bulb” moments in that now I understand why  I constantly feel so empathetic towards other relationships as opposed to my own. For example, when I witness other men and women going through turmoil my heart just hurts for them and I want to do whatever I can to fix them, but I am never concerned with my own heartache to the same degree. Or why I can spend all of my free time watching these great but sad films revolving around some sort of love story, which at some point I always connect with and feel so much emotion towards, but have never once attempted a real love story of my own.

Okay. That last sentence may not be entirely true. There was once a time where I did finally succumb to love and allow my story to be written. I actually got a decent amount of chapters filling up the delicate binding in which holds my fragile life together. And I was happy. I mean genuinely, positively, “the world seems brighter the grass looks greener”, happy. I mean up until this point, I had no idea there could be another person on this planet who could have the ability to understand me, without TRYING to because it is a challenge for them. I mean being with him really did erase all the darkness from my past and allowed me to envision a future. Like the song says above I really did feel like our feelings for one another were made for the movies. At a time in my life where I had given up believing in myself because, why should I? No one else seemed to. Here comes this guy who believed in me, saw something in me that I couldn’t even see, and best of all he made me believe in myself.

Now, I am not sure if it is the side effects of growing up in a broken home with the only example of relationships/marriage being divorce, or if it is because I am an Aquarius and let’s just face it we are pretty much the hardest people to get to commit to anyone. But I have this terrible tendency of being hot and cold when it comes to relationships. I will be all in and then I will be very distant and detached. When I am all in there comes a moment of panic where I fear that things are just going too well and I am too happy which inevitably means something bad is going to happen leading me to distance myself as a means of protection from heartache. It is all very twisted and messed up and I am not a fan of this behavior one bit. But of course this game went on throughout our relationship and trust me he had his issues too which came into play on top of mine ultimately creating a volatile relationship which of course became violent in the end. I know we all wish we could go back in time and do something differently in hopes it would have worked out but we all know we can’t do that so our only option is to move forward and heal from the pain caused by this heartache. Then once we are healed we can do it right the next time (or at least better).

Some say I have not dated because I have some high expectations of this “fairytale” relationship. My response to that is, “So what?”. I really don’t think it is that ridiculous to hope I meet someone who makes me feel as if the world is moving in slow motion or who looks at me and makes it difficult for me to catch my breath. I also don’t think it is absurd to hope I meet someone I cannot imagine spending a minute without, that when we are apart we miss each other, so that when we see each other it is butterflies all over again. I don’t think that is crazy because I’ve had that before. So if I’ve had it before I can have it again. And I try not to compare guys to my past relationship but in that sense I will have my standards high because I am not going to date someone who doesn’t give me that rush of adrenaline and excitement when we are together. If I do then I am just settling and I refuse to settle just because people tell me that is just how life is: you meet someone, you share common interests, the person is nice with a good job and will be a good parent, so you get married and live mediocre robotic lives together until you die. Or worse, get divorced, so you can put your kids through a miserable upbringing causing them to have the same intimacy issues you have thanks to YOUR parents.

Thanks to nostalgia I have considered the possibility of this not being possible due to the idea that perhaps you only get one shot at a “fairytale” romance. There is nothing worse than thinking back on your past and wondering if you will ever have that again (I mean the good times not the bad). This doesn’t mean you’re not over your ex because trust me I am over him, it has been years and I don’t think about getting back together or anything like that, but I do wonder if he was it. I wonder if I will meet someone who just makes sense physically, emotionally, and mentally, like he did. Or if I will meet someone who almost does but just not quite as much. How can you not be constantly let down in the dating scene when you have yet to meet someone who is actually worth getting ready and leaving your house for? I do my best to reassure myself that if my ex was meant to be the Universe would have made it happen. Unless it was that my timing was off which is a definite curse of mine.

All I want is, all I need is, to find somebody. I’ll find somebody… Like You.”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: All I Want by Kodaline]

Love is only a great thing because we know what it feels like to have our heart broken… What it feels like to be alone.

 

Good morning everyone and hello Saturday! It has been a few days I know, I had a friend visiting from Las Vegas, and it was hard enough to balance time between work and showing her around that blogging was just not an option.

On my last post I received such a lovely comment by an anonymous reader. In the comment he shared with me of a current predicament he is having about his ex girlfriend. He said that they dated for 3 years and in the end he was unhappy in the relationship and was okay with it being over. Now, years later, she is with a new guy and just had a baby. This brought past feelings back up it the surface and has left him upset and confused. He then requested I write a post about lessons you can learn from your exes/past relationships and/or what to do when these old feelings come resurface for no reason at all. So, I want to say thank you for the kind compliments on my writing and for being a dedicated reader, and I hope today’s post gives you the help you are seeking.

To start out, I know that everyone has been in this position at least once in their life, it’s like a right of passage or something to see the one you used to be happy with, happy with someone else. Especially nowadays with social media sites and etc… It’s even easier to causally stumble upon a picture or comment showing you a glimpse of what they’re up to and who they’re dating. It’s pretty much torture. But still we all do it to ourselves time and time again. Even if we don’t go looking for it we still end up hearing it from mutual friends so we really have no way of escaping that inevitable “feels like I just got punched in the stomach” moment. So obviously if you just broke up like barely a month ago and they have already moved on then that totally sucks and there is no questioning why you’re upset about them dating already. But if it’s been like years and you’ve already had closure and dealt with the breakup, then seeing your ex getting married or something stirs your emotions up, that’s when you might ask the question “wtf why do I even care?!”

When the reader came to me with this problem he asked for help because he didn’t understand why he was feeling this way. So many people have this thought process when it comes to ex girlfriends/boyfriends and I think it’s a defense mechanism to ensure they won’t be hurt by the breakup any longer than they absolutely have to. But people often convince themselves that once they are “over it” (meaning no longer thinking of them, texting them, talking about them, etc) they become invincible to being affected by anything associated with that ex. So, they see their ex announcing their wedding or baby or any other life event that may catch their eye, they get that rush of emotions and they’re like “I don’t understand. I’m over them.” And etc… Well here’s a news flash for all of you: deep down you do understand. You may not see it in that moment or maybe your pride is preventing you from admitting it to yourself but you know those feelings NEVER go away. I mean if you spent a significant amount of your life with that person then it doesn’t matter how long it’s been or how okay you are being broken up.

Sometimes things don’t work out between people and it’s nobody’s fault”

There will always be those certain moments when you see something in their life and the wheels in your head start to turn with all of the “what if’s”. What if you stayed together? Would it have worked out? Would you two be planning a wedding or expecting a baby? Maybe these exact questions aren’t running through your mind but your emotional reaction may as we’ll be those questions translated into that “feeling in the pit of your stomach”. Most of the time it’s not even really about them, it’s really your own insecurities being cloaked by the idea that you want them back, emotions can be super tricky sometimes. You could be at a point where you’re wanting to settle down yourself and you just haven’t met “the one” yet, and you see the last important person in your life doing these things, so even though you want to be happy for them you cannot help but dwell on the idea that it “should be you”.

As far as your question goes, what to do when this situation arises and what lessons can be learned from your ex, well the answers sort of go hand in hand. You sit back and you remind yourself of how lucky you are to have loved someone that much, so much that you STILL get knots in your stomach when you see them living their life with someone else, some people don’t even come close. So instead of spending your time dwelling on the past or feeling sad and alone, focus on how good it was to know what being loved feels like, and the confidence that you will definitely feel it again when you meet the right person.

Well yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, I guess what I’m feeling is like a, beautiful sadness.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Radio by Alkaline Trio]

Finally you have found someone perfect.

Hello everyone. I am not sure if you can guess the subject of today’s post by the title/photo but it is something that has come up in quite a few conversations lately so I figured I would write about it.

Marriage. I believe I wrote a post a while back about this adorable married couple I know and the insight I got from them on how to make it work and etc. So, lately I have been having these discussions with my sister, and she believes that I am totally living in some fantasy world. You see, despite what it may seem like from reading my blog, I am actually not a cynical person when it comes to love. Oh boy do I believe in love. I mean REALLY believe in it. The whole boy meets girl, boy and girl fall madly in love, get married and start a family… you know how the story goes. And why shouldn’t it go like that? Is it that hard to fathom that there is someone out there that is just perfect for you and when you meet him you just know? I am not completely unrealistic, I know that there is more to marriage than just love and I know that love isn’t always enough, trust me I know that. But that doesn’t mean that love isn’t a huge part of it. If anything I believe that love is like, the MAIN part of it… right?

Now my sister seems to think that because of my “fantasy” that I am living in I will have a very difficult time settling down and getting married. She says this because she believes that marriage is a business deal and the whole purpose is to find someone who will be a good husband to me and a good father to our children (when that time comes). He will be someone who will love our children and take care of us the way we need to be taken care of. That doesn’t mean I don’t need to have a job or whatever it isn’t all about finances but just in the grand scheme of things he is the right guy for the task at hand. When she said this I told her I don’t think that is how it is, I feel that if I don’t marry for love then I will wake up one day full of regret and unhappiness and want to leave him, and my biggest fear of marriage is to follow in my parents footsteps and raise my hypothetical children in a broken home. Her response to this was: “You know what you do when you wake up unhappy and want to leave? You get up, you go and play with your kids that you had with this man, you think about how good he is to those kids, and then you go to sleep. Because chances are those feelings will pass by the time you wake up”. Yeah… that is the wisdom I get from my older sister ha ha.

So who knows, maybe my ideals on love and marriage will make me actually achieving them difficult, I suppose only time will tell. All I know is that I would rather live my entire life alone than marry someone just because it was the “logical” thing to do. I don’t need some whimsical romance to sweep me off my feet like in the movies but it that much to ask to actually connect with someone and just get lost in it? I mean yeah I want to be smart about it, I want us to have careers, and I want us to be able to build a life together comfortably. But can’t you have that and be in love?

Anyway, for now, I love the fairytale I am living in. There may not be a knight in shining armor just yet, but that’s okay, I am all the hero I need at the moment.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Hard to Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers]

No lies, just Love.

Well it’s been a while but I’m back and just in time for a post inspired by everyone’s favorite/least favorite holiday: Valentines Day.

I’m not going to lie here I definitely struggled with this one. I was torn between the decision to write my normal pessimistic views and ideals or to take a more optimistic route. I know it seems like the obvious choice would be the negative one but I feel like it’s time to spice things up a bit. I have never really celebrated Valentines Day before and I don’t really see a huge reason to. I mean don’t get me wrong I think it’s nice to have a night of romance and love and etc. But I feel like because it is set on one day there is so much pressure to plan the perfect night or get the perfect gift. And if you’re single you freak out about the idea of spending the evening alone. It is SO STRESSFUL!

Let me tell you though, after 26 years here on earth, the best advice I can give in regards to love is to never look for it. Let it find you. The universe will make things happen on their own you can’t force it and you shouldn’t want to. Trust me, it’s worth the wait, and it’s really nice when someone comes into your life when you least expect it. (I cannot confirm nor deny if I’m speaking from recent experience lol).

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I apologize for how long it has been since my last post and I hope to get back into posting regularly now that my life is less chaotic. Hope you all had an enjoyable Valentines Day, whether you spent it with a significant other, friends, or even by yourself. Now I’ve stayed up way too late watching Dexter but at least I got this post done for all of you!

xoxo.

[Currently listening to: Lover I don’t Have to Love by Bright Eyes]

You love, love, love… When you know I can’t love.

Hello everyone. Well I spent the day watching my favorite movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s so I decided to write a post about not only how lovely it is but how much I relate to not only Audrey Hepburn (in all her classy glory) but also her character Holly Golightly.

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20140127-013925.jpg   At first glance when you meet Holly you see a girl who is superficial only going after rich men because she wants to use them for their money. But if you look a little deeper what you find is a girl that is just scared to let any man get too close, she doesn’t want to fall in love, and risk losing her identity in someone else. I think a lot of girls can relate to that. Especially those of us who are independent free spirits, the mere thought of being tied down, makes us run for the hills.
But of course the bottom line is that if we live in fear then we won’t ever really get to experience what great love could be in store for us. Right?

“You know what’s wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You’re chicken, you’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, “Okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.” You call yourself a free spirit, a “wild thing,” and you’re terrified somebody’s gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

xoxo.

[Listening to: Love Love Love By Of Monsters and Men]

I don’t love you but I always will.

Hello everyone. Sorry it has been so long since my last post but since I had such a busy weekend with moving and everything I just decided to wait until I was all settled and could dedicate some real time to a post for you! I hope you all had a good weekend and MLK day, I had the day off work which was nice and spent it in Manhattan Beach with my sister and best friend, very fun!

Anyway, for today I have a difficult topic to cover, and it is an ongoing struggle that I feel most people have to deal with. Have you ever found yourself attracted to the wrong person? I mean not wrong in the sense that they are bad, but that they don’t share the same feelings for you, and yet you can’t seem to shake your feelings for them. It is such a feeling of being torn on the inside like your mind knows that you need to give it a rest and see what else is out there but your heart will not allow you to truly have the same kind of feelings for anyone else. Talk about BRUTAL.

“Baby you’ve got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love’s too big for you my love” -Ingrid Michaelson

It is tough even though you meet other people and you think “wow this person could really work out for me” and yet you still hold back because you feel guilty that you still love this other person so much. Even though there is nothing with that other person and maybe there never was. It is almost as if it isn’t up to you, like no matter what, you are still going to be bound by this love you have for them. Like it says in the picture above “I don’t have a choice but I’d still choose you” it is just one of those things that you cannot control but even if you could deep down you know you would pick them every time. Maybe it is the whole wanting something you can’t have idea who knows… All I know is that I for one feel it is unfair to begin having a relationship with someone when you still harbor feelings for another.

“Tell me what to do to take away the you?” -Ingrid Michaelson

So what do you do? Do you remain alone until you figure this situation out? Or is it like one of those things where you have to attempt dating someone else to truly get it out of your mind? Why is it that these situations get such a grip on us! In the beginning it is never like this, you all know the way it goes down too: You meet. Become friends. One flirts with the other. The other takes this as a signal and beings to like them. When confronted about it the one explains that they had no idea and they thought it was just friendship. The other is confused and upset but gets over it. The one starts acting weird so the other creates distance and starts to feel better, maybe even meets someone. The one sees the other out with someone else or whatever and gets jealous, starts to text and call again, get back in the others head. It works and the other falls for it and the one gains the power back by turning the tables. Does this sound familiar?

Truth is it happens all too often because there are some people who don’t like you but they enjoy you liking them and they don’t want you to like anyone else. It is all very weird and annoying and that is part of the reason they stay inside your head for as long as they do because of that damn table-turning! Lol. A friend of mine has experienced this recently and hearing about it literally gives me flashbacks of it happening to me and it drives me CRAZY.

Relationships are just so messy and complicated and I feel as though I have gotten to the point where I have become so comfortable being single that I am nervous that I enjoy it more than dating and I am not sure I really want to dive back into that chaos any time soon. I prefer a phantom boyfriend any day!

xoxo.

[Currently listening to: Supernumerary by Vanaprasta]

I never felt so wicked as when I willed our love to die.

Well it seems to be that time again my lovely blog readers. Before I start into today’s post I would like everyone to just take a moment to admire how amazing the above photo is. Everything about it is just pure beauty to me. It is the perfect example of how to portray desire and sex in a sultry yet tasteful way. It is not too revealing but it is not too PG either, you see, it shows enough to put the idea of sex in your mind but still leaves most of it up to your own imagination. Truth is, our imagination is always ten THOUSAND times better than a picture anyways, right?

The lyrics I added to the photo are from the song The Bad in Each Other by Feist (which I highly recommend you all listen to… like right now). The song explains how two people can be good separately but then they begin to date and can’t seem to find that good in one another (that they have by themselves) what happens next is each person brings out the worst side in the other. I am sure some of you out there know what I am talking about. The more you try to make it work the more it doesn’t work at all.

“This is for everything we ever got wrong, and how we loved each other, in all the wrong ways.”

Sometimes you get in a relationship like this and it comes to a point where you are honestly BEGGING for it to end in any way possible… because you just cannot stand this person that you have become by being with them. It sounds terrible but it is so true you like wish they would just fuck up and cheat on you or something to make it easy. But if they don’t and obviously you don’t want to be the one to cheat so for some reason even though everything about you two being together is wrong you two still keep at it.

I think for me I really loved the fact that we brought those sides out of one another. When I met my ex boyfriend he was so shy and quiet I never for a second thought he would ever show me the side he later revealed. So once he did, even though it scared me, it also gave me this sort of adrenaline rush. I know it sounds so stupid and trust me it really was I definitely don’t recommend it (but hey it was a learning experience). Also I felt that I was there to like help him or something you know? Make his life better? I don’t know it is just so like me to try and “rescue” everyone even when they may not need it or ask for it. But he made me feel like that was who I was to him. So there I was blinded by that idea and instead of seeing the bad parts I was REALLY bringing out I was convinced I was helping him grow and mature (aka bringing out a good side of him). “Hi, my name is Kara, I used to be so naive it’s pathetic”. Wow feels good to get that off my chest. LOL.

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The thing to remember is that you may appear to be everything to that person at that point in both of your lives but imagine how much BETTER you could be once you are free from it? I mean I feel like you could be with someone who treats you like a Princess/Prince and that is nice and all…. but what about someone out there who is willing to treat you like a Queen/King?

“I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous”  -Rilo Kiley

So honestly if you are out there wishing for your relationship to fail do not sit there and beat yourself up thinking you’re a bad person. Yes they may be an amazing boyfriend/girlfriend but you know what? So are YOU. So do the both of you a favor and just end it, before you do something stupid like hurt one another, because no one likes a messy breakup. We are all adults here after all.

xoxo.

[Currently listening to: Silver Lining by Rilo Kiley]

Yours is the first face that I saw. I swear I was blind before I met you.

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope everyone had a great time with their loved ones and got to enjoy some time off work like I did!

This post is inspired by a married couple that I have had the pleasure of witnessing recently that made my jaw literally drop in awe of the romance I noticed still fresh in their relationship. At first I assumed they were newlyweds and shortly after I discovered that they have been together for years. So I took it upon myself to ask the husband his opinion on what it is that makes them still so in love to this day.

It’s funny because I come from divorced parents and a lot of the married couples I see nowadays are remarried or separated etc. So it is definitely rare to experience this fresh type of love I see when I see this couple together. And even when I asked him about it, and he was sharing how they met and got together, his eyes just lit up and it was really amazing. He shared with me that a lot of it is faith but also just making one another a better person. He stated that he is such a big kid and she embraces that but also brings out the adult in him and that he brings out the kid in her. They compliment each other in such a way that it just works. And it makes sense. I mean I have seen it with my own two eyes. Or that when he gets home from a rough day maybe after sitting in traffic and she asks how his day was and he snaps “oh it was horrible I just sat in traffic for two hours bla bla bla” and most women might let that get to them like they’re taking it out on them and get upset but she just says “okay well I’m sorry about that but that isn’t my fault” and he thinks “wow you’re right it’s not your fault”. It was really remarkable to get this point of view for myself, as most of you know, my idea of relationships lasting is quite negative. He also shared with me that they went on a few dates and then he was moving and a year later when he kne we was moving back he knew he had to call her because she was so fun, and she was dating someone else, so he told her when it ends he will be taking her out. And he did.

It was all so very romantic and inspiring so I had to ask his permission to share it in this blog. I felt I owed my readers a positive blog on love and relationships especially in the midst of the holiday season. Lol. I hope you all enjoyed this one and I hope you all get the chance to experience this one-of-a-kind type of love. I know when I see these two together it gives me hope that maybe one day I will meet the one for me and it will be just as full as romance and love as this one is!

xoxo.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost

Happy weekend everyone. There seems to be a pattern with my posts about love being all about loss. This song I posted above is a favorite of mine and it’s what inspired this post.

So yeah, it is technically about love ending, but it is also about the realization that one can love again once it is over. I’ve been spending so much time focusing on the faults of relationships. It’s distracted me from the actual thought of diving into a new one. I guess in the midst of everything the underlying issue is the fear that I may not be capable of enduring another relationship. And I just want the reassurance that I will still be able to see “fireworks” or whatever that will get my blood pumping and heart racing. And know that it’s also okay to be scared because sometimes stuff doesn’t work out but I will survive.

I will end this with a quote from Grey’s Anatomy that I really love:

“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t because I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I love someone and it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone because what if you learn you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This could go on forever.”

xoxo.

I will swallow my pride. You’re the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye.

Okay everyone I know that with Christmas approaching everyone may want something warm and romantic to read to spread some holiday cheer. Unfortunately, that is not what you are going to get from this post, so I apologize in advance.

Lately I have been witnessing relationships falling apart around me. I gotta say I am not sure what is worse, going through a breakup myself, or seeing my closest friends go through one and not be able to do anything about it. I am sure most of you are willing to say that it is way worse to be the one experiencing the breakup first hand. I am just not sure. On one side I think, yeah, I recall a time where I felt as though I may never recover over the loss of a boyfriend. But, because of that, I think how awful for one of my friends to be going through that since I know how bad it was for me.

We all have different experiences with relationships but I find that with mine there is a pattern where in the end it is as if I am just begging them to say or do something so that I can change my mind. That is just the worst isn’t it? I mean you just love someone SO much and all you want is for it to work but you have just done everything you can possibly do and you know you have to end it but you don’t want to. So even in the final moments when you are breaking up with them you still give them that one last chance to change your mind so that you can forget about the whole thing and start over. There are times when I look back on it and I think “wow am I pathetic or what” but then again is it pathetic to love someone so much that you aren’t ready to give up hope that it could possibly work out?

Then there is the whole thing where we just DON’T want to admit that we failed at something. Yeah, that isn’t just about jobs or school, it’s also relationships too. When you think about it you put more pressure on yourself with making a relationship work than probably anything else in this world. You have family and friends who are all observing your EVERY move and anytime something goes wrong they are all making assumptions about your ability to do something. So when you have a boyfriend you present him to your friends and family like he is a fucking PRINCE. Then the reality sets in and you start to fight or he does stuff that annoys you (because let’s face it nobody’s perfect) and you vent to your sister or brother or best friend, that’s all it takes, the image they have of him is forever changed. So from then on there is something inside of us that refuses to give up on this relationship for the fear of hearing “I told you so” from the rest of the world. We just want to do something RIGHT for once, is that so hard to ask?

The final reason why we struggle so hard in letting go of the idea that there is a glimmer of hope in the relationship that is crumbling to pieces before our very eyes is, of course, our altered perception of the person we fell in love with. Human beings are a confusing mess of secrets and lies. It isn’t always to intentionally deceive others, sometimes we do it to protect ourselves from getting hurt, and sometimes we just get so lost along the way that we forget the facade we have put up isn’t really who we are. The point is that when you meet someone and you think “wow this guy is so nice and funny and charming and bla bla bla” in a year or two you may begin to discover that he is actually a total asshole who treats you like shit. Unfortunately, you have been dating him for so long that by the time you started to figure this out, you have already fallen in love with the nice guy you thought he was! So the relationship starts to become volatile and you know deep down it is unhealthy so you decide to end it. Then that little voice in your head pops up and says “but wait, remember how he was when you first met, he can be that guy again”. However, that voice happens to be an ignorant little bitch, so it would be best to NEVER take the advice from a voice in your head (not to mention that listening to voices in your head could make people think you are crazy). The point is that if someone was super nice and sweet and loving in the beginning and then somewhere down the line becomes a total jerk and starts calling you things like “slut” or says things like “you’re useless” then chances are, even if deep down he is a nice guy like before, he isn’t anymore. So stop being delusional and get the fuck out of that relationship. LIKE NOW.

I am not saying it is messed up to love someone who is a total piece of shit, because I have done it, I think we all have. I am pretty sure even girls we can admit to a time in our lives where we were in fact the ones who acted like the piece of shit in the relationship. Sometimes, even if it is the guy who turns out to be the asshole it is in fact us girls who drive him to be that way, we can be pretty crazy. So whatever the case may be that the relationship is ending, the point is that it is in fact ending, and when it does you just need to let it go. There is nothing you can do to make something turn out how you want it to. Nothing you could ever do could make someone who doesn’t love you anymore, love you again, even if they loved you once. You can’t change someone else all you can do is change yourself. But you also can’t change yourself because someone wants you to.

At the end of the day, you can beg and plead all you want, but if something were meant to be then you wouldn’t have to.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Say Something By: A Great Big World]