Don’t be so hard on yourself… You can’t get better ’til you get worse.

blog photoWelcome back to reality everyone. The weekend is over and it is back to the work week. I must say I do love working full-time, even though I only get two days off, it really makes me appreciate that free time.

There are many weekends I have where I am fully booked with plans of going out with friends drinking or going to movies. But my favorite part about weekends is the time I have to reflect on my life; where I have come from, where I am now, and where I could be going.

This past weekend was one of reflecting. As I thought about my past, all of the things I have done, it really got me thinking. I can count a number of things that most people would probably judge me for and swear they can’t imagine how I could have done something like that. Now don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware of the things I have done, and some of them definitely are not easy to take ownership of. But hello… I am human. We ALL do things we are not proud of and we are all capable of doing terrible things no matter how high and mighty we think we are. Just because you haven’t done something to the equivalent of what I have done does NOT mean you have any right to look down on me. I may have not been a role model but despite my poor choices I am still like everyone else

“I’m not their hero but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t brave.
I’m not your hero but that doesn’t mean we’re not one and the same.”

Moving away from thoughts on the past to where I am today, and I think I have written this before, I am so shocked at everything turning out the way it has. It makes me feel as if I am living inside of a dream or something. Like at any moment I could wake up and not be here. Full time job, living on my own, surrounded by family and friends… Who knew right? People try to make me feel bad for things I have done, but really I just feel like they might be unhappy with where they landed in their lives, so they bring up my past to see if I will break down or something. Those who do not know my past and are meeting me as I am now just cannot believe that was who I used to be and this is where I have made it to. I think that is the best part, people being as surprised as I am, it literally brings a smile to my face. Obviously there are times when I cannot help but let it bring me down. When myself or others point out the darkest parts of my life, time that I lost and won’t ever get back, traumatic memories I won’t ever be rid of, it feels like I’m just constantly being chased by something that will eventually catch up to me. But then I realize that without all of that I wouldn’t know as much about myself as I do now. There was so much I needed to discover and it is what brought me to where I am today.

Learning all I know now, losing all I did.
I never used to feel like I’d be standing so far ahead”

That is pretty much what it comes down to at this point. I have been through a lot of shit, no more or less than anyone else, just my own. I am sure that it is not over because I am only 26 and I know the type of person I am. I do not take the easy way through anything. I love a challenge even if that means I slip and fall along the way. But I do know that I will keep pushing myself until I am satisfied with who I become. Never once have I actually looked forward to the future… until now.

I do my best to walk the finest line ’till I’ve had all that I can take”

xoxo.

(Photo Credit: Me in Vegas; Taken By: Keira Geary) (Lyrics Credit: “Not Your Hero” by Tegan and Sara)

[Currently Listening to: Gravity by Sara Bareilles]

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I can take so much, til I’ve had enough

Expectations. We all have them, some very high, and some very low. When people get into the habit of expecting too much they set themselves up for disappointment and it is like a disease it just spreads and people end up missing out on simple joys in life because of it.

The song I posted above has been a favorite of mine recently. When I look back on all the times I had people counting on me I am reminded only of the pressure I felt. It is the most stressful thing to have people looking for you to do something: graduate from college, make a relationship work, keep a good job… And when you are unable to hold all of that together it’s as if people forget what it is like themselves and just question every choice you made as if it were the wrong one.

The truth is that we are all fantastic actors, we can fake anything, and a lot of the time we do. I had a boyfriend tell me once that I was such an amazing actress during a fight because I started crying. And although I was not acting in that moment and it actually upset me even more when he said that, all I could think about was how natural it felt, and how all the times I was with him and not being sad was the moments I was in fact playing a part. We all do that a little more than we would care to admit.

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am”

Let me tell you, my ex boyfriend was right, I am a great actress. I mean half the time when my world is falling apart it appears as though I have everything in complete control. I do not know why I do this. It is natural for people to struggle and there is no shame in it, but I guess it is my pride, and the fear of appearing weak. This, however, has been one of my greatest downfalls in my past. Working so hard to hold everything together and not show how much I am struggling only led be to overwhelming stress which eventually assisted in my struggle to keep myself from drowning.

The reality is that we are HUMAN. It is okay to breakdown and cry sometimes. It is okay to fail. No one is perfect and if you think you know someone who is I can bet you a million dollars they are faking it. Nothing leaves you feeling more empty than pretending to be happy and solid when you are not. Society has put this unrealistic image of strength and perfection in our heads and we need to just snap out of it. Some of the most beautiful parts of us lie in our imperfections, flaws, and struggles.

The best part about human relationships is knowing that there are others out there sharing the same difficulties as you.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Human by Christina Perri]