If I were a Boy…

[Lyrics credit: If I Were a Boy by Beyoncé]
Good morning my faithful followers! Let me start out by APOLOGIZING for my temporary hiatus. I am not proud to admit that I got caught up in something that distracted me from my focus on myself. YES, I admit it, I FELL FOR A BOY! Despite my better judgment in all the blog posts I have written WARNING all you ladies from getting deterred from your personal focus I foolishly allowed myself to do EVERYTHING I have encouraged you all NOT to do. I should start following my own advice…..
*WARNING* Long post ahead! Gotta make up for lost time right?
It all started last year, on Valentines Day (the horrible Hallmark holiday that I don’t even believe in) I was perfectly fine staying home alone like I do EVERY Valentines Day, but the Universe had other plans for me. The short version, I met a boy. Not just any boy though, oh no, on this night I met THE boy. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I have possibly known he was THE boy after just one chance encounter? Well, that’s easy: I just knew. He was the first boy I had ever met who had shared SO many of the same interests as me (including all the geeky stuff most people tell me NOT to share with anyone I am trying to date). I’m talking about nerdy decals on both of our cars, nerdy inspired tattoos, overwhelming knowledge of films that the vast majority knows nothing about, the whole nine yards.
Okay so let’s get to the good stuff right? So we exchanged Instagram information and I decided to get in touch with him later in the week.
I messaged him first, this is 2016 after all, and what can I say? He intrigued me. We exchanged some witty banter, very sarcastic and hilarious, and then he asked me out. I have to put this in quotes so you can all see what I saw:

Boy: Do you like horror films?
Girl: Yes! I love them!
Boy: Well, there is this theater that I love going to, they do this thing called Friday Night Frights, and this friday they’re doing Tales from the Dark Side…
Girl: Oh! that’s awesome!
Boy: So would you like to… hehe… go with me? :)”

Yep. Just like that. So simple. So adorable. I should have known right there that I was doomed. But this is ME we are talking about. I wanted nothing SERIOUS from this boy. And to be quite honest, I had previously been told some things about this boy which should have been enough to conclude that he was not someone to get involved with! But, me being me, I gave the benefit of the doubt. I mean, the information I had received DID come from his ex-girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned right? Maybe I should make my own judgments instead of basing them on an ex-girlfriend’s opinions right? So, I said yes, and I went on this “date” keeping my guard up with no intention of letting this boy in because I had NO desire to get mixed up with this boy! And I even told him this! I told him I was not looking for a boyfriend, that I did not want him to get any ideas of me being one of those girls who says one thing but does another, secretly planning to trap him in some awful “relationship” scenario. I was trying to hold my independent, free-spirited ground.
Fast forward (please) over the next few weeks of spending a good amount of time together, usually brought about by the boy because I wanted nothing to do with any couple-like behavior! Allow me to now bring the focus to a certain conversation between this boy and myself where he said, and I quote:
Boy: You’re so closed off. Like you have these walls up and I never know what  you’re thinking from one moment to the next.
Girl: Well this is due to my past. I have had some struggles that have left some scars and while I wear them proudly without regret I have learned to be wary of who I open up. Not that I look at everyone the same but in my experience every time I have let down my guard for someone it has resulted in me being hurt.
Boy: Well I want you to open up to me.
[girl lets out a quiet giggle]
Boy: I‘m serious! I know you have been let down in the past but I want you to know that you can come to me for anything. I want to be someone you can count on to always be there for you no matter what.”
No, this is not an exaggeration, he actually said that. This boy actually made me feel BAD for being so closed off, for keeping him at an arm’s length and he assured me that he would not hurt me like so many had before. Oh silly, naive Kara, actually falling for some stereotypical boy talk! Tell me ladies, how many of you have been told something similar by a boy, only to discover him pulling a disappearing act as soon as you begin to open up! But I dunno, I trusted the things he said, I really wanted to believe he meant it. So, this strong independent girl and her sturdy wall (constructed entirely from the sweet talk and empty promises fed to her from all the ghosts of bad boys past) went ahead and hired an entire demolition team specifically trained in the art of tearing down metaphorically built walls. And now you are probably wondering what was discovered in the rubble after this great wall of protection came down… I’m glad you asked!
One word: Vulnerability. Ah yes, just what every girl just wants, to be vulnerable with a boy. [she said with a heavily implied sarcastic undertone]
Okay, this story is looking more like a novel as each paragraph goes on. Let me try to wrap this up.
So, I generously opened up and bestowed my trust in this boy, a boy I put no pressure or demands on other than one simple request that we just remain honest with one another. Like, “Hey we aren’t in a relationship, you’re not my boyfriend, you’re free to do whatever you want and all I ask is for you to please not keep secrets from me. Seeing as we are both adults, participating in an adult relationship of some kind, I think it is only fair to share with one another if we choose to take part in adult activities with anyone else. I mean out of respect to the other person (especially for health reasons)”. I really didn’t think this was an unreasonable request. Some people might even say that it was very open-minded and totally cool of me. Not this boy. Nope! This boy found the request to be asking SO much of him! How dare I ask such a thing. I mean, sure there are girls who demand a ring after sharing the amount of time we had spent together, but not this girl. No way. This girl merely asks the boy to show her a tiny bit of respect.
Do boys understand that not ALL girls do this as a manipulation tactic to gain ammunition for a fight? Some girls actually just prefer to maintain their independence by being entitled to having a choice. Those little details will spare the girl of the potential hurt that usually results from being misled and ultimately finding out (trust me we always find out). I mean, excuse me for wanting to hold onto even an OUNCE of dignity and control over my life, forgive me for expressing to a boy that he is free to do as he pleases while only asking him to AT LEAST allow me the power to CHOOSE whether or not I want things to continue if such situation were to arise. His defense? Oh you are going to LOVE this:

Boy: Well you never asked me if I was okay with those terms.
Girl: You mean the terms of me saying you can do whatever you want but please be honest with me if you sleep with someone else? Those terms?
Boy: Yeah, well, sorry but you’re obviously more than just a “friends with benefits” to me and being honest with you about that made me uncomfortable.
Girl: If I mean more to you than a “friends with benefits” than why are you treating me like I’m less than that?
Boy: ……”

Remember earlier when I said the thing about me giving the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. Add that to the whole “vulnerable” thing and I’m sure you can all guess that there was no moment where a little imaginary light bulb turned on reminding me that I know better than to believe things could ever be different. No, sadly this previously strong independent girl went ahead and did the most idiotic thing possible…. she fell for the guy! *dramatically smacks self on the forehead*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

Yeah, you guessed it, it happened again! Let me help you out guys, just in case any of you decide to use this tactic to exhibit some sort of  “rebellion” or in an attempt to prove yourself that you’re a MAN and your business is yours alone. When you do something that you know is wrong and you keep it to yourself, you feel guilty (duh we learn that in like Kindergarten). Of course, in this case, it’s just so silly because technically he was entitled to do whatever he wanted. But the whole “secret keeping” was wrong because he knew all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. Anyway, the guilty feelings just sit in your subconscious eating away at you creating a rather annoying inner dialogue driving you CRAZY and as a result who essentially gets punished? The guy keeping the secret he knows he doesn’t have to be keeping? Oh no, NEVER! Me, the unassuming girl who has done nothing but blindly trust you and do whatever she can to continue building a strong friendship with you, the lying boy! Grrr.
Don’t worry, the end’s not near, it’s here (Band of Horses lyric. Kudos to you if you caught that one). So here we are, present day, and let me take this time to emphasize that this boy is actually a really great guy. And no I am not saying that as some sad little girl who wants to make the world believe he is a good guy but in reality, he treats her terribly. I am saying this as a girl who made plenty of mistakes during the duration of our… whatever it was… it takes two to tango right? Did that boy make some poorly executed decisions? Sure. Did his lack of communication skills make things 10 times more difficult than they needed to be causing little things to be blown tremendously out of proportion? Definitely. But at the same time, when we met he expressed to me that he was unable to handle any sort of relationship at that point in time. So the fault doesn’t lie with either one or the other, the reality is that neither he nor I expected to enjoy each others company as much as we did, and that can be really difficult to handle, especially if you don’t feel like you’re ready for something like that.
In the whole mess of hormones and logic and feelings, ultimately it comes down to this: we are all human. We all find ourselves getting lost in things that are out of our control, but it is our responsibility to either find our way out, or consciously continue therefore no longer being lost. I do not regret a moment I spent with that boy because let me tell you, I had some of the most amazing moments with him, things I doubt I would have ever experienced had I not met him. And, despite the pain I endured, I can still honestly say that he is my best friend. He was there for me for so many mind-numbing talks and he comforted me so many times when he really didn’t have to. The guy who after knowing me a mere four months surprised me with my first trip to Comic-Con for free and accompanied me to my semi-unbearable family functions. He was suffered through endless text messages of my ramblings even when he had no idea who I was talking about. Brainstorming solutions to an insane amount of problems that continued to slam me time and time again. And while I can easily say “I never asked for this, I never asked to fall in love with him” he can say the same thing about me. He never asked for this, he never asked for me to fall in love with him. It’s not like he would ever want to lose our friendship. In a million years I know he would never want that.
Unfortunately, even with my level-headed mature reasoning, I cannot end this without admitting the embarrassing truth. That I am broken. Nothing feels the same anymore. There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed because facing a day that doesn’t involve him doesn’t even feel worth it. Call me dramatic, go ahead, I don’t care. There was a time where I could care less about dating and then something I didn’t even know I was looking for went ahead and found me. And when it did it was like this weight was just lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I could finally breathe again. I have never known what it felt like to be sure of anything in my entire life until I met him. Now even breathing hurts. Every song I hear and every movie I watch finds a way to remind me of him and it just hurts. And the worst part about all of this is that the one person I want to call who would normally make me feel like everything is going to be okay, I can’t even call. No matter how hard I want to try and make him understand how this feels I just know he will never understand. In his mind, it is just something that happened, something we didn’t mean to happen, but it happened and the only thing left to do is move on. I would literally give anything for his ability to just push things to the back of my mind and move on. But I can’t. All I can do is sit and wonder if this pain will ever go away. I have been in relationships before and obviously, I have gotten over those relationships but the reality is that every guy I have ever dated I always knew wouldn’t last. There was always some very OBVIOUS reason for why it was only temporary. This guy is different. I just wish I could somehow share this with him, without the possibility of him thinking I am just some sad little girl. I just wish he knew that he is the most important person in my life, and how meaningless and empty this life now feels without him.
Don’t people realize that they are capable of completely destroying others? Is it that your self-worth is so low that you find the possibility of affecting someone completely unfathomable?
Well, newsflash, you matter. You’re capable of hurting others. And if you’re going to assume the responsibility of making someone feel good then don’t run away when those good feelings turn bad. Remember, it takes two to tango.
xo. Kara Love

Friends are like Uggs… No one wants the fake ones!

Oh hello Tuesday (even though it feels like Monday). I was out sick yesterday so my week is already off to a weird start while I get my days confused and TV showtimes mixed up LOL! I hope everyone had a good weekend, mine was pretty mellow considering, I know most of you went to Stagecoach so that is exciting!! I was actually supposed to go to that (I know shocking because I am not a huge country music fan) but my best friend was going so my dad surprised me with a ticket which was pretty cool. Unfortunately the place she was staying didn’t have enough room for one more person. Oh well, there is always next year, probably best to save money anyways since I am planning an EPIC Vegas trip!

Anyways, I decided to dedicate this blog post to friendship, because I have been so fortunate throughout my life with the friends I have made. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my run ins with a few bitches along the way, as I am sure most of you have as well. Here is my biggest pet peeve when it comes to being friends with girls: why do you always gotta lash out against one another? I mean in reality we should be on the same team. We are women, there is nothing more powerful and beautiful than that, united we can do pretty much anything. When we fight and talk shit about each other that is when we are at our weakest and of course the opposite sex can EASILY take advantage. I have been in more than one situation like that in my life and trust me when I say that guys will always pin girls against each other because we are weaker when we stand alone. #TrueStory.

Me, I absolutely LOVE having friends that are girls, we are so much fun! I cherish the friendships I have had all of these years and can proudly say that I have kept almost all of them in good standing the entire length of the friendship (minus a few bumps here and there). I was just speaking on the phone to my friend Bekah last night about how we met and you are gonna love this story. I was living in Vegas and had only been there a few months so I would always go into this bar Blue Martini to visit my friend Natalie while she was working. There was a guy bartender there that I thought was really cute so I would always go hang out at his bar and flirt with him (typical) but tonight I noticed there were two girls sitting right there where he was working. Now I am not a bitch, contrary to popular belief, so I decided to introduce myself to the girls. One of them really had a story to tell. I mean this girl was talking my EAR OFF. She was very nice and everything but it was just a lot to take in. Somewhere inside the stories she was telling she let slip that they came to that bar to see the bartender because her friend Bekah had a crush on him, that is when I was introduced to her friend, and at the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers. Over a year later and she is one of my best friends, I seriously love her to death and have been through so much with her, and we met going after the same guy. Shocking right?

When you think about it though it actually isn’t that shocking. We bonded over the fact that we both thought the same guy was hot and that he happened to be a total tool. We weren’t trying to fight for him we were actually more satisfied with the friendship we gained from each other than a crappy one night stand with some asshole. That is how I approach most situations with my friends. I will NEVER put a guy first it just isn’t who I am. Because at the end of the day that guy could leave you or cheat on you or you could end on peaceful terms, either way you are going to want that friend by your side. I think when it comes to friendship the main factor that keeps it together is selflessness. Because let’s face it, you are going to have to listen to your friend bitch and cry and talk shit, even if you are having a crappy day. It is their turn then it is your turn. Sometimes vice versa.

There is just no way a friendship is going to last if you think the world is all about you and you expect your friends to constantly listen to you and be there for you if you do not reciprocate. I mean the same thing goes in a relationship too right? You’re not going to want to date someone who demands everything from you and gives nothing in return are you? Didn’t think so. So here is a reality check: I am not a bitch, but I also do not surround myself with selfish people who believe the world caters to them, those people carry bad energy that I do not care for. I have been through some shit, no worse than anyone else’s shit, but shit nonetheless. So forgive me for not choosing to stand by and allow people to treat myself and others that I care about as if they live to serve these so-called “friends”. I give tons of second chances and everyone knows that about me, but I only do it for those who truly meant something to me, and who I believe actually deserve it. If you haven’t shown me the same amount of respect and time that I feel a friendship deserves, then you can expect to no longer see me as your friend, and that is just how it is.

Now I know we are adults and this is not High School with the Myspace Top 8 and the “you can’t sit with us” bullshit. But whatever the age these things still become a problem and they still matter. I hate to admit it, and yes maybe it is because I am a girl, but that is just the way it is. So if you are a female out there and you are reading this: CHERISH YOUR FRIENDS. They deserve it. No one will be there for you like they have been and will be. And if you have a shitty friend who basically expects to always be a top priority in your life but has no problem shoving you aside in their own, then repeat after me:

“You’re Basic, Bye!”


[Currently Listening to: Fuel to Fire by Agnes Obel]

I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free, and a little bit empty

TGIF am I right?! This post isn’t going to take up too much of your time because I have a really busy weekend planned and it is starting as soon as work ends!

Okay so if you read the quote on the image above you may have a small inclination of where this is going to go. I relate SO much to that quote, maybe other women reading this do too, and I will explain exactly what I mean by that.

I have lived most of my adult life being this alluring idea to guys. It isn’t that I am conceited or anything because trust me this never really boosted my self esteem. No, what they see isn’t this picture of a girl they want to date, it is a girl they just want to have fun with. Because I seem “fun” or “wild” or “down”. Unfortunately this image frequently made me appealing to the guys who HAD girlfriends. So, I was hit on by guys who were already taken, hence making ME the other woman. And I really hate being the other woman.

In my days of being a young stupid girl I got this notion instilled in my brain that I was somehow “un-dateable” which is why my only option was to be “that girl”. That girl who belonged to no one, who was free to do whatever she wanted, and it didn’t matter who got hurt because she was hurt first. Unfortunately with that responsibility came the burden of reputation to please everyone (and no I don’t mean please like that, get your head out of the gutter). I mean being “that girl” makes you easily disposable and the second you say no it is like you just do not exist. If a friend needed you and you weren’t there then whatever they don’t want to hangout with you. Obviously these people were not your friends but you didn’t know that back then.

I would literally go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with nothing but emptiness. I had nothing of any value, not my dignity, and definitely not my self respect. I could be in a room surrounded by people and feel completely and utterly alone even though I thought I had everything I wanted. I was convinced this was the life I was destined to live and I just had to accept it. For years I had my mind warped this way but I wanted so much more. I wanted to treat people better and I wanted to be treated better. I wanted real friends (which I couldn’t have if I wasn’t a real friend myself).

Ladies, let me tell you something, don’t you EVER let someone make you the other woman. Don’t ever allow yourself to become the other woman by yourself either. that is not a title to wear proudly and trust me I don’t care how hot that guy is, you do not want a man who is willing to cheat. I hate to be the one to tell you this but you are not special, he is cheating because he is a loser, not because there is something about YOU that he has to have.

You belong to no one but yourself. If you find someone you want to share your precious life with then so be it, but do not go stretching yourself thin to make everyone happy, they do not deserve it. And at the end of the day you are the one who ends up with nothing. Do not allow yourself to have nothing, if you want it all, go out there and get it.

Take pride in who you are and do not let anyone or anything make you think that you are anything less than extraordinary. ESPECIALLY not yourself, after all, we are our own worst critic.


[Listening to: Pompeii by Bastille]

I don’t love you but I always will.

Hello everyone. Sorry it has been so long since my last post but since I had such a busy weekend with moving and everything I just decided to wait until I was all settled and could dedicate some real time to a post for you! I hope you all had a good weekend and MLK day, I had the day off work which was nice and spent it in Manhattan Beach with my sister and best friend, very fun!

Anyway, for today I have a difficult topic to cover, and it is an ongoing struggle that I feel most people have to deal with. Have you ever found yourself attracted to the wrong person? I mean not wrong in the sense that they are bad, but that they don’t share the same feelings for you, and yet you can’t seem to shake your feelings for them. It is such a feeling of being torn on the inside like your mind knows that you need to give it a rest and see what else is out there but your heart will not allow you to truly have the same kind of feelings for anyone else. Talk about BRUTAL.

“Baby you’ve got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love’s too big for you my love” -Ingrid Michaelson

It is tough even though you meet other people and you think “wow this person could really work out for me” and yet you still hold back because you feel guilty that you still love this other person so much. Even though there is nothing with that other person and maybe there never was. It is almost as if it isn’t up to you, like no matter what, you are still going to be bound by this love you have for them. Like it says in the picture above “I don’t have a choice but I’d still choose you” it is just one of those things that you cannot control but even if you could deep down you know you would pick them every time. Maybe it is the whole wanting something you can’t have idea who knows… All I know is that I for one feel it is unfair to begin having a relationship with someone when you still harbor feelings for another.

“Tell me what to do to take away the you?” -Ingrid Michaelson

So what do you do? Do you remain alone until you figure this situation out? Or is it like one of those things where you have to attempt dating someone else to truly get it out of your mind? Why is it that these situations get such a grip on us! In the beginning it is never like this, you all know the way it goes down too: You meet. Become friends. One flirts with the other. The other takes this as a signal and beings to like them. When confronted about it the one explains that they had no idea and they thought it was just friendship. The other is confused and upset but gets over it. The one starts acting weird so the other creates distance and starts to feel better, maybe even meets someone. The one sees the other out with someone else or whatever and gets jealous, starts to text and call again, get back in the others head. It works and the other falls for it and the one gains the power back by turning the tables. Does this sound familiar?

Truth is it happens all too often because there are some people who don’t like you but they enjoy you liking them and they don’t want you to like anyone else. It is all very weird and annoying and that is part of the reason they stay inside your head for as long as they do because of that damn table-turning! Lol. A friend of mine has experienced this recently and hearing about it literally gives me flashbacks of it happening to me and it drives me CRAZY.

Relationships are just so messy and complicated and I feel as though I have gotten to the point where I have become so comfortable being single that I am nervous that I enjoy it more than dating and I am not sure I really want to dive back into that chaos any time soon. I prefer a phantom boyfriend any day!


[Currently listening to: Supernumerary by Vanaprasta]

I don’t understand why people, why every fucking person, is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn’t make sense to me.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had a safe and eventful New Year’s Eve! I hate to start 2014 off with a post like this but due to recent events I just have to! Unfortunately because of the very personal nature of the situation I am not going to go into the details of it in relation to my life but I will speak about the subject in general.

Basically, in a nutshell, I spent a day questioning myself and wondering how I could be so easily disposable to another person. I’m sure many of you out there have felt that way and it really sucks. Whether it be by a boyfriend, girlfriend, regular friend, or even a family member… It fucking hurts.

I don’t know if anything quite compares to how much damage that can cause. I mean as human beings our self esteem is so fragile that even the smallest thing like someone NOT wanting to be our friend anymore can completely shatter it and make us question what kind of friend we are. This just isn’t okay, I mean what gives a person the right to make someone question their self worth? I literally cannot wrap my head around it.

People just honestly blow my mind. They are so horrible to one another and it just makes me sad. I mean of course it upsets me when it is happening to me personally but even more so when I see it happening to the people around me. It’s no secret that we need human relationships to survive in this world, so why, WHY do we insist on being so horrible and keeping everyone at arms length? Why in friendships/relationships does one have to feel superior to the other? Maybe if we focused more energy on keeping our own self esteem up we wouldn’t be so dependent on other people to raise it.

I have a few resolutions this year: I want to get back on track with getting my associates degree, I want to travel more to see my friends that live in other states, I want to start raising my credit, and most important, I want to stop putting so much time and energy into people who are so willing to push me aside whenever they feel like it.

I just want to be happy and I don’t want to have to work so hard to do it. I want it to come naturally. Because life is such a beautiful thing and I am so grateful to have it. If someone doesn’t want to share this journey with me then that is their loss not mine.


Imagine meeting someone who understood even the darkest corners of your mixed up soul

Happy Monday everyone. So sorry for the delay, but considering it was a holiday weekend and all, I assume you were all busy with Thanksgiving festivities anyway!

Now I’m sure you read the image above and immediately thought “wait a minute, this seems familiar, she already wrote a blog about soul mates” and etc. But I assure you this one is very different.

On the subject of soul mates the first thing that comes to everyone’s mind is meeting that one person and all of a sudden it’s love at first sight. There is no denying it or stopping it, that’s all there is, it’s all you need. With this idea in our heads we spend our lives searching for this person in everyone we ever meet. It can literally drive us crazy, because the more we look for love, the easier it is for our hearts to break.

In my last post about soul mates you may also remember me touching on another concept: the idea that a soul mate may not necessarily involve any romance but perhaps a very strong friendship. Either way you end up winning.

Okay now enough of the reminiscing on past posts. Now it’s time to focus on this one. Let’s say you’re one of the lucky ones that has met this person, and you know if you have, because for some reason after talking for only 5 minutes it feels as if you’ve been talking your whole life. It is the most compelling thing you have ever experienced and I’m not even sure I can really explain it because it is just unlike any other feeling in this world. So like I said, if you’ve met this person, you would know.

I know right about now you’re all getting that warm fuzzy feeling in your heart. And why wouldn’t you? Everyone just melts when it comes to the subject of love. Well here’s my problem: it’s very rare that I meet a person who understands me. I mean TRULY understands, not just says that they get it, when really they have no idea. So when I come across someone that I can actually relate to let’s just say it’s really hard for me to let that go.

I think my greatest gift (which at the same time I feel is a curse) is that I will go above and beyond for the people I care about. So you can only imagine how amplified that becomes when that person is someone that I connect with on a level deeper than any other. It’s a gift because there is nothing I want more than to be there for those in need, but a curse because I am constantly taking value away from my own life, to raise the values of others.

In the end my question is this: say this person, your soul mate, starts taking more of your soul rather than sharing it? How long until you finally let go? We have all been through a break up before and we have all had friendships end. It’s hard to deal with but not impossible. This is different though, it’s like an addiction, no matter how hard you fight it something constantly keeps you bound to this person. Sometimes they can be mean and they can use you and ignore you and completely drain you of everything you have to offer. But you still answer when they call or text or whatever. What do you do when it gets to that point? How do you stay away from the one person who you feel your soul is one with?

I heard a saying on Grey’s Anatomy once, and felt it could not be more accurate, it said:

“Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way, because without it… I don’t know. Maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying… Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop”

All we can do is hope to get one of the good ones when we meet our soul mate. But the sad truth is, that even if we got a good one, we probably wouldn’t even want it as bad.


We are so Fragile, and Our Fragile Bones Make Noise, we are Just Breakable Girls and Boys.

20131015-223305.jpg       Good evening friends and followers. In previous blog posts I have  covered the subjects of love and boys and etc. Today I received a comment from a reader who is going through a breakup and they asked me if I would write on the topic of past relationships including my own personal experiences when dealing with the struggles that come along with them. Although I would normally do my best to avoid writing about my ex-boyfriend, which should give you some solace in the fact that some breakups are tough for everyone to deal with, I do think now is the perfect time to get release the feelings I have been holding on to. I mean what better way is there to let go of this part of my past than to write it down with the hopes that someone could potentially benefit from it during their own times of heartache. I have been holding on to it for long enough, trust me.

    In my 25 years of life I have had two serious relationships. I don’t know if it is a side effect from being a child of divorce, or having to witness all the melodramatic relationships of my friends in high school, but something made me want to wait before I dove into the dating pool. So during high school I enjoyed being single and I was the shoulder to cry on and vent to for my girlfriends. From my observations I saw so much destruction it really made me wonder if it was even worth it. There was so much lying and cheating it made me sick. So I focused my energy on friendships, and of course, sex (when I reached a certain age of course). I developed some great relationships with my guy friends, got some really good insight into the way guys think, and it really helped me avoid getting too close to anyone.

    Unfortunately, everyone knows that as humans all we really want is to be close to somebody, no matter how hard we try to deny it. Eventually I got sick of always being the “friend” who was also fun to sleep with (no strings attached) and I started to feel lonely. When I tried to make one of these “friendships” become something more it totally blew up in my face, and the guy who was there to catch me when I fell, was [name withdrawn for privacy].

    I had known him for a few months and he was the nice guy. The kind of guy who noticed you before you noticed him, kept his distance while you figured things out with the bad guy, then was there to pick you up when you fell apart. So he offered me a place to stay (I was kind of couch surfing at the time) and one thing led to the next until we were a couple. We got an apartment and had jobs and met each others families. On the surface it all seemed very ideal. We would each go to work and come home, I would cook dinner, hell we even had a kitten. The only problem was that I’d go to sleep every night with this feeling that it just wasn’t right. We said “I love you” but every time I said it I felt I was lying to him and even worse to myself. One afternoon I was in my kitchen doing the dishes, daydreaming out the window, and that’s when I saw our neighbor walk by. That was the afternoon my life changed.

   The end of my relationship with [name withdrawn for privacy] was kind of a blur. I had slowly become better friends with our neighbor and although it was never discussed you could just feel the sexual tension every time we were in a room together. It was like a magnetic force, I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I didn’t want to stop thinking about him. It was so full of passion and intensity I couldn’t get enough. There was something about him that was just so pure and good but it was obvious he was stuck in such a bad situation. He was the epitome of someone dealt the wrong cards in life and I wanted to be the one to change that. He believed in me and he wanted me to be exactly who I was no matter what anyone else thought. We spent every minute together, we enjoyed the little things, and shared so many laughs. But what started out like a dream quickly turned into a nightmare. Our fights were extreme, he spent three months in jail, and a few months after he was released it was only getting worse. Then one day, during a really big fight, he hit me clear in the face. I always told myself I would never be a girl who stayed with a man who hit me. So I packed my bags, and despite all the brainwashing of him telling me I had nowhere to go or that no one loved me but him, I finally just said fuck it and I called my dad asking to move home.

    I would love to tell you that it was easy. It should be right? A guy hits you then good riddance. But this guy was my best friend. He was everything to me, and as messed up as it was, I still knew the guy he was capable being. That guy was who I loved, not the asshole who hit me, the one who was my best friend. I knew I couldn’t go back to him after that fight but apparently The Universe had other plans in mind…

    I discovered I was pregnant a few months after we broke up. My world turned completely upside down. What the fuck was I supposed to do? The stress and anxiety was almost unbearable. So, I shared the news with [name withdrawn for privacy] and we sat down and discussed what to do. He was ecstatic. He swore to change his ways and promised that things would be different.

    Now, I will give him credit here because he made some positive improvements, started working for his dad and treating me better. This memory is one that still haunts me to this day. You see, despite the small improvements, I still had this sinking feeling like this wasn’t going to turn out okay. We were still so young and he was on probation, the last thing we needed was to bring a child into our messy lives, regardless of how badly we wanted to. People can judge me or think I am selfish or whatever, but the truth is that in that moment I knew [name withdrawn for privacy] meant it when he said he would love and care for that baby forever, but at the same time I couldn’t trust that he would love me forever. Coming from a childhood where my parents weren’t together I vowed to NEVER raise a child in a broken home, it just wasn’t fair, when I do have a baby I want them to have a family who is together and loves each other. I made the choice I made because I knew it was the right one, it makes me sad but I don’t regret it, it just wasn’t the right time.

     Afterwards, [name withdrawn for privacy] and I decided to try again to make it work, even with the disapproval from my family, so I moved to Vegas to go to school and try to work.  The rent was cheaper so I was hoping to save some money while he finished his probation, then we could get a place somewhere together and live happily ever after. Well long story short I made the trips home to visit, even got him an iPhone on my phone plan so we could talk and video chat, which he repaid me for by getting a girlfriend behind my back. I found out a few weeks after my birthday when I went home to visit (the coward wasn’t even man enough to tell me) I found out from other people around town. This is when my world crumbled down. Never in my life had I felt more alone than I did in this moment. I won’t lie to you, I begged for him back, I even met the girl and was NICE to her. I even said he could date us both since I lived a state away (I know I was literally out of my mind) but I didn’t want to lose him, he was all I had. Even with that he still chose her over me.

20131015-221913.jpg [name withdrawn for privacy] was the first guy to love me. [name withdrawn for privacy] was the first guy I loved. And [name withdrawn for privacy] was the first guy to break my heart. To make matters worse, he continued to torture me over the next six months by calling and texting me. Like really man? That is the shit that really pisses me off. As if getting over people isn’t hard enough, we try every thing to forget you, and yet you find it necessary to pour salt into the wound. Best part was (and I know most of you have experienced this) Charlie LOVED to blame me, all the things I did wrong and how I’m such a big slut for doing what I could to move on.

I have to quote Grey’s Anatomy here:

You don’t get to call me a whore. When I met you I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose her. I’m all glued back together now and I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.”

Perfect quote right? It’s true though. They’re called breakups for a reason. You’re broken. And everyone is different when it comes to how they put themselves back together. Some people drink, use drugs, have sex, whatever fills that void for the time being. There is no right or wrong way to deal with losing someone that you dedicated a piece of your life to. Me, I went the self-destructive route, I did a bunch of drugs and found a new sleeping partner. Basically put myself in the face of danger hoping something would end the pain for me. What that did was send me straight to rehab.

      Now, I’m not saying that you need to develop a drug addiction or drop off the face of the earth to get over your ex, but I do recommend ending ALL communication. Don’t even ask your mutual friends how they are doing who who they are with. Definitely block them on Facebook/IG/and etc., or maybe even deactivate yours for a bit, a break from social media is always a good thing when it comes to healing a broken heart. The last thing you need to see is a stupid picture of them and their new girlfriend/boyfriend smiling and kissing (trust me I’ve been there it does not feel good). The closer to them you try to stay the further you will get and the more miserable you will be. Also, I know that all girls for some reason think that having sex is going to make them feel better, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! It doesn’t matter how hot the guy is, it doesn’t matter how many orgasms you have, in the end you still feel empty and alone and it’s not good. Don’t start going out every night saying you need a new boyfriend and you need to move on either because that is bullshit. What you need to do is sit down and get to know yourself again.

    Look, at some point, everyone has to be alone. I know it sucks but there is nothing worse than ending up alone and not knowing who the hell you are because you spent so much time being something to someone else. Or even worse, ending up with someone but STILL feeling alone, don’t you dare settle. Of course it is easier said than done and there are still plenty of days that go by where [name withdrawn for privacy] crosses my mind making me wonder what he is doing or who he is with. But even though I live alone and I am single I am so incredibly happy it’s unbelievable. And it didn’t take a new relationship to get over him, that’s the best part, I got over him without a replacement.

     So listen guys, girls, a whoever is reading this: relationships are messy. Humans are complicated on their own so putting two together isn’t going to be a walk in the park. Sometimes relationships end when we don’t want them to and even though it seems like the end of the world it isn’t. You experienced something amazing, as much as it hurts now at one point it didn’t, and pretty soon it won’t anymore. And then when you least expect it you will be ready to meet someone new. Do not rush into anything. Just let it come to you, give the universe a little more credit, it knows what it’s doing 😉

I will end this with wise words of Audrey Hepburn:

Sometimes your heart just breaks. That’s all. But you can’t judge or point fingers, you just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you”


[Listening to Breakable by: Ingrid Michaelson]

Friends til the End… And a Few Trial Runs


Happy Monday! It is a lovely day to be at home! Thankfully today is Columbus Day which means it is a Court holiday and since I have the pleasure of working in a law firm I am enjoying a nice long weekend. It’s October (which is my favorite month) and not only is Halloween around the corner but some other fabulous holidays as well, ie Thanksgiving and Christmas. These holidays usually spark the thoughts of family to everyone’s mind, and it does for me too, but for most of my life my friends have been my family.

So u wanted to focus today’s blog on friendship. I love my family more than anything, but I was a rebel (to put it lightly), and no matter what has happened in my life I always had someone to turn to. One thing I have always been proud of is my ability to hold on to female friends. Being a girl is tough when it comes to the world of friendships, if you’re a girl reading this then you know, girls are vicious. And perhaps my biggest flaw is my curse of second, third, fourth, and etc amount of chances that I give. That is why during my life I have had my share of girlfriends that take my sincere friendship and do not give one in return. But that’s life right? If everyone you met was a perfect friend then you would have WAY too many friends and there would just be no way to have a normal size wedding party haha.

I believe that you meet people in your life that stay there forever, even if they aren’t physically there, and those are the ones who really matter. You have to experience the crappy friends to really appreciate the ones that are still around and to really know what a true friend is. You can meet them as a child or an adult, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them, they last forever.

To explain how blessed I will do a little bit of bragging. When you look back to age 5 you never think that someone you meet in kindergarten is someone you will still be seeing every weekend and talking to every day 20 years later. Well I get the pleasure of reliving my youth on a daily with my best friend Alyson Padilla, because here we are still best friends, only difference is that instead of sleepovers with soda we do sleepovers with wine. There has never been a person I could count on more in my entire life, she is more than my best friend, she is my sister. Talk about luck.

Between age 10 and 18 there have been some seriously significant friends in my life. Maybe not the ones I get to see every weekend now, but during those years it was like you never saw us apart, and even though we are adults living our lives we still find time to catch up when we can. That’s the sad part about being a grown up: you go your separate ways, you start your career, you fall in love, and keeping in touch becomes more and more difficult. But when I look through my photo albums and I see goofy pictures from high school with Michelle Chapetta and Megan McCarley, it feels like it was yesterday, and to see the life Michelle is living and the family Megan is starting, it pleases me to have had their friendships. And whenever I think of a funny Scrubs quote or some interesting independent movie comes on, I can write Maggie Ayers on FB, and the memories come flooding back. Just the other day a random memory popped into my head that made me think of seeing a movie with my friend Colleen Doherty and all I had to do was leave her a FB comment, and she responded having just been talking about the same memory with her boyfriend, and the conversation went on from there. All people say is how they hated high school, but as you can see, when you went to school with friends like I did I had no choice but to love every minute of it. Thousand Oaks High School better be prepared for one hell of a reunion.

In life you also find those friends that not only you can count on when times get tough, but who know the right remedy, a good laugh and a strong drink. And for that I have had the joy of knowing the Geary sisters. If you don’t know these girls, well I would recommend meeting them, but I’m too selfish to share! Lol! Keira is my age. We met at 18, but she transferred to my elementary school the year I left, so the universe always intended for us to meet. Hannah and I are basically comedic soul mates, as funny as we are separately, get us together and you may as well wear a diaper (bc you will be peeing your pants). And little Leila, she is the youngest but in no way does that make her any less wild or fun. Needless to say, I love each Geary separately, but don’t think I could live without all of them. Even their mom Shelly! (And especially their dad Tim).

There’s no better conclusion to this blog than to end with the friendships I have made as an adult. I always had this superficial idea that you had this small clique of friends forever, guys and girls, and you ended up married or whatever. I guess you could say I grew up watching the show Friends. But I was so wrong. The souls I have connected with on my journey will stay with me always. In my last blog I displayed Vegas as such a horrific experience, but I did not only pick up a drug addiction there, I also met an amazing and beautiful friend. Bekah Young. I honestly think I would have died out there if it wasn’t for her, she is the most genuine and kind hearted girl in all of Las Vegas, and one of the best friends I have. I knew her for less than a year and am positive I will know her for life. And as for rehab, well all the people I met there were unforgettable, but a few really really stuck with me. Allison Smith, my soul sister, I knew you for 2 months but I’ll be your friend for life. You’re so interesting and artistic and your soul is so beautiful! Morgan Jones (or should I say Mrs. Blue Shirt) your spirit and sense of humor is unique and unmistakeable, my house is always open to you when you make your way to California.


Friendship is so important to me (as you can tell). I cannot stress the importance of girlfriends enough. Yes, you can be a girl that dedicates her life to her boyfriend, and thinks girls just screw you over and you don’t need them. But here is the truth: guys are not permanent or definite. They can leave you, they can hurt you, and they do who will you turn to? I love all my girlfriends! I don’t know where I would be without all of you!