I’ve got my mouth. It’s a weapon. It’s a bombshell. It’s a cannon. I’ve got my words. I won’t give mercy

 

Hello everyone! So yeah it has been so long since I’ve written and I apologize for that. Unfortunately some personal matters came up about my blog and I took a break trying to resolve the issues. But I have decided that I love this blog and I am not doing anything on it to offend anyone so why should I stop?

For today’s post I wanted to discuss influences. People who influence us to do things during our life, like role models or even negative opinions. It takes a lot to stand up for what you truly believe in especially if you have people close to you trying to hold you back. It could be friends or lovers doing it out of jealousy or even family members who are so insistent on you being a certain way that they cannot help but try to control your every move. I am not saying I don’t appreciate people who care about me trying to do what they think is best, but at the end of the day I am who I am and I cannot change that.

They say in life you cannot truly love someone until you learn to love yourself. I find that confusing when so many try to tell me who I am and what I should be doing. How am I ever going to love who I am if so many people are telling me who to be? I get so frustrated with this situation it makes me want to scream. How is it that people who love you can disagree with what makes you, you? I didn’t choose to be this way, I can assure you that when I look at others graduating college and starting a career, it makes me wish I had done something similar. But I didn’t. I chose to live the life I have and I don’t regret it. It is just so upsetting when people who are different choose to go against it because they just don’t understand. We cannot all be the same I mean how boring would that be? Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same and no one disagrees? And more importantly is how can you be so sure that what people are telling you is the right thing to do? I don’t know about all of you but it’s hard for me to trust someone who cannot love and accept me for who I am.

I am 27 years old and I love Harry Potter. That’s right, I absolutely love it, and in my head I still like to believe that something like that exists. I love to write and paint even though it is not making me any money right now. I’m an unconventional type of girl who doesn’t live my life at the hands of a man hoping to be married with tons of babies before I’m 30. I am a free spirit and I go wherever my path leads and sometimes I don’t know where that is. But wherever I end up all I can do is figure it all out as I go along. And that is okay with me. I don’t need a plan or an agenda I just need to live. Isn’t that the point of all of this anyway? To live?

It it feels good to be back.

Xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Fighting for Nothing By Meg & Dia]

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Finally you have found someone perfect.

Hello everyone. I am not sure if you can guess the subject of today’s post by the title/photo but it is something that has come up in quite a few conversations lately so I figured I would write about it.

Marriage. I believe I wrote a post a while back about this adorable married couple I know and the insight I got from them on how to make it work and etc. So, lately I have been having these discussions with my sister, and she believes that I am totally living in some fantasy world. You see, despite what it may seem like from reading my blog, I am actually not a cynical person when it comes to love. Oh boy do I believe in love. I mean REALLY believe in it. The whole boy meets girl, boy and girl fall madly in love, get married and start a family… you know how the story goes. And why shouldn’t it go like that? Is it that hard to fathom that there is someone out there that is just perfect for you and when you meet him you just know? I am not completely unrealistic, I know that there is more to marriage than just love and I know that love isn’t always enough, trust me I know that. But that doesn’t mean that love isn’t a huge part of it. If anything I believe that love is like, the MAIN part of it… right?

Now my sister seems to think that because of my “fantasy” that I am living in I will have a very difficult time settling down and getting married. She says this because she believes that marriage is a business deal and the whole purpose is to find someone who will be a good husband to me and a good father to our children (when that time comes). He will be someone who will love our children and take care of us the way we need to be taken care of. That doesn’t mean I don’t need to have a job or whatever it isn’t all about finances but just in the grand scheme of things he is the right guy for the task at hand. When she said this I told her I don’t think that is how it is, I feel that if I don’t marry for love then I will wake up one day full of regret and unhappiness and want to leave him, and my biggest fear of marriage is to follow in my parents footsteps and raise my hypothetical children in a broken home. Her response to this was: “You know what you do when you wake up unhappy and want to leave? You get up, you go and play with your kids that you had with this man, you think about how good he is to those kids, and then you go to sleep. Because chances are those feelings will pass by the time you wake up”. Yeah… that is the wisdom I get from my older sister ha ha.

So who knows, maybe my ideals on love and marriage will make me actually achieving them difficult, I suppose only time will tell. All I know is that I would rather live my entire life alone than marry someone just because it was the “logical” thing to do. I don’t need some whimsical romance to sweep me off my feet like in the movies but it that much to ask to actually connect with someone and just get lost in it? I mean yeah I want to be smart about it, I want us to have careers, and I want us to be able to build a life together comfortably. But can’t you have that and be in love?

Anyway, for now, I love the fairytale I am living in. There may not be a knight in shining armor just yet, but that’s okay, I am all the hero I need at the moment.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Hard to Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers]

Let it go, let it go… Can’t hold back anymore.

 

Happy Monday everyone! How excited is everyone that the week has started over hmm? Hahaha. Well this blog post is about the movie that everyone cannot stop talking about! Disney’s Frozen.

I just watched it for the first time last night and boy was I impressed. My sister was the one who told me I absolutely HAD to see it. She told me it was about us (sisters) and that it is totally relate-able even if it is supposed to be a kids movie. I couldn’t wait to see it, because number one I love Disney, and number two it is about sisters. Right from the beginning I could see what my sister was talking about because the younger sister has a reddish/brown hair color and freckles (like me) and the older one is blonde (like her). Plus the younger one in the beginning scene is trying to wake her older sister up begging her to play with her (sounds pretty much like our childhood).

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The older sister keeping herself locked away in her room never wanting to hangout with the younger just brought up traumatic childhood memories of me desperately seeking my sisters attention. Another thing I related to was the younger sisters initial ideas about true love and the older sister completely shutting her down insisting about how unrealistic it is (my sister and I actually had a conversation just like that about a month ago) and I really liked that for once a Disney movie wasn’t pushing the idea that “love at first sight” and getting married right away is something a  young girl should strive for as an adult.

frozenThe whole damsel in distress thing and marrying a stranger is something out of a Carley Rae Jepsen song “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe”. Like, STOP IT. Hahahaha. It was almost creepy looking back at all my beloved childhood Disney movies and thinking WOW does no one think it is creepy that Sleeping Beauty is being awoken by a “Prince” macking on her? Or what about the fact that The Little Mermaid basically instills the belief that a woman doesn’t even need to use words, just act ditzy and clumsy, oh and be a total looker.

All of these things from past movies were definitely nowhere to be seen in Frozen. The ones that were (like wanting to marry someone you just met) were immediately shut down, and later proven to be the WORST idea ever, and maybe the plain “boy next door” type is not so bad after all. More importantly is the message of family and how no matter WHAT is going on in your life it is important to not shut everyone out. The people who love you cannot help you if they have no idea what is going on, give them a chance to understand, because no one should have to face their inner demons alone.

Oh and chances are, if you do have a little sister, you can try to run to the moon if you want… we will find you and bug you until you agree to come back with us.

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Seriously all she needs is hazel eyes and she could totally pass for me when I had lighter hair… am I right? She even has the freckles on her nose and shoulders!

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In my sisters days of being platinum when her hair was super blonde this could TOTALLY be her!

In the end, this is definitely at the top of the list of Disney movies, which I am sure most of you had already figured out by all of the hype it has been getting. If you haven’t it yet I really recommend that you do and if you have an older/younger sister be prepared to find similarities in almost every scene. I am extremely thrilled that my sister convinced me to watch this and I am sure I will be watching it many more times.

Hope you all had a great weekend (because I most DEFINITELY did). I got to see the cast of The Originals and The Vampire Diaries up close and personal and let me tell you: they are even HOTTER in person <3  I got an autograph and tons of pictures and it was an unbelievable experience.

Just two more weeks until I get to see Tegan and Sara (is this really my life?) I am so incredibly happy right now I don’t think anything can bring me down. I am so thankful to my friends and family for such great memories we have made and continue to make (already counting down to my vacation to Oregon this summer).

xoxo.

[Currently Watching: Frozen]

 

Even the best fall down sometimes…

Hello everyone. Sorry it’s been so long, but if you read my last post then you know I have been busy with some personal stuff, and I’m still pretty busy so I may not be able to post as often as I would like.

Well a lot has happened recently. I am sure all of you have read or heard about the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman. What a tragedy. I, myself, am a huge movie fan and I have just loved everything he has ever been in. It really makes me sick, like déjà vu with Cory Monteith all over again (even tho obviously they do not compare in their careers as actors) it still affects me just as much. To think that living with so much talent, adored by so many fans, he still died all alone. At the hands of such a nightmare of a drug.

“Rock bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world as it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not some other way.” -Prozac Nation

Obviously it’s a dark time for me right now, death is difficult for everyone, and we all deal with it in different ways. One thing I can say is that no matter what demons you may be facing, just remember you’re not alone, even if you feel like you are. I get that it’s hard to see how the decisions you make can affect the people around you but they do. So just stop and think.

“What you feel only matters to you. It’s what you do to the people you say you love. That’s what matters. That’s the only thing that counts” -The Last Kiss

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson]

I always figured there’d be time enough, I never let it get me down

Good morning everyone. I hope you have all enjoyed your weekend. I turned 26 yesterday (February 1st) and did my best to celebrate despite everything that is going on in my life right now.

This won’t be long, just wanted to post some beautiful song lyrics that I have been listening to during this difficult time in my life, and have a post dedicated to my Mother RIP.

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Maureen Alyson Lovretovich
July 6, 1954 – January 27, 2014

“Be still and know that I’m with you,
Be still and know that I am here.
Be still and know that I’m with you,
Be still, be still, and know.

When darkness comes upon you,
And covers you with fear and shame.
Be still and know that I’m with you,
And I will say your name.

If terror falls upon your bed,
And sleep no longer comes.
Remember all the words I said,
Be still, be still, and know.

When you go through the valley,
And the shadow comes down from the hill.
If morning never comes to be,
Be still, be still, be still.

If you forget the way to go,
And lose where you came from.
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I’m with you,
Be still and know I am.”

Thank you to everyone for writing me their condolences and also birthday wishes, it means a great deal to have such an amazing support system, I am so lucky. My family is very strong and we have each other to get through this unfortunate time. Love and gratitude to all of our friends!

xoxo.

[Listening to: Be Still by The Fray]

I don’t understand why people, why every fucking person, is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn’t make sense to me.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had a safe and eventful New Year’s Eve! I hate to start 2014 off with a post like this but due to recent events I just have to! Unfortunately because of the very personal nature of the situation I am not going to go into the details of it in relation to my life but I will speak about the subject in general.

Basically, in a nutshell, I spent a day questioning myself and wondering how I could be so easily disposable to another person. I’m sure many of you out there have felt that way and it really sucks. Whether it be by a boyfriend, girlfriend, regular friend, or even a family member… It fucking hurts.

I don’t know if anything quite compares to how much damage that can cause. I mean as human beings our self esteem is so fragile that even the smallest thing like someone NOT wanting to be our friend anymore can completely shatter it and make us question what kind of friend we are. This just isn’t okay, I mean what gives a person the right to make someone question their self worth? I literally cannot wrap my head around it.

People just honestly blow my mind. They are so horrible to one another and it just makes me sad. I mean of course it upsets me when it is happening to me personally but even more so when I see it happening to the people around me. It’s no secret that we need human relationships to survive in this world, so why, WHY do we insist on being so horrible and keeping everyone at arms length? Why in friendships/relationships does one have to feel superior to the other? Maybe if we focused more energy on keeping our own self esteem up we wouldn’t be so dependent on other people to raise it.

I have a few resolutions this year: I want to get back on track with getting my associates degree, I want to travel more to see my friends that live in other states, I want to start raising my credit, and most important, I want to stop putting so much time and energy into people who are so willing to push me aside whenever they feel like it.

I just want to be happy and I don’t want to have to work so hard to do it. I want it to come naturally. Because life is such a beautiful thing and I am so grateful to have it. If someone doesn’t want to share this journey with me then that is their loss not mine.

xoxo.

I Know the Water is Sweet but Blood is Thicker.

1377249_224358237726087_1809482357_nWow. What a week it has been. Sorry to keep you all waiting, but with Halloween approaching I have been busy making my costume, sorry no spoiler alerts!

Today’s blog was inspired by this song I heard off of Avicii’s new album called “Hey Brother”. If you haven’t heard it then you should probably like download or YouTube it right after you read this because it is a lovely song.

I am lucky enough to not only have two older brothers and one older sister, but I also have two older step brothers and one older step sister, yeah there is a lot of us. I don’t know how many of you out there have siblings but those of you who do know how amazing it is. When you’re younger all you do is fight and complain about each other but when you’re older it’s crazy how much things change. If you are a girl and have a sister like I do, you probably stole each others clothes and makeup and still get bitched at for it to this day (sorry Brynne) but now clothes are given and loaned out graciously. As for my brothers, nothing really changes there, they were my protectors when I was young and still are to this day.

I cannot tell you how many times I wished I could have been an only child when I was little, as the youngest I was just always the baby and nothing was ever fair, and to top it off I was such a brat haha. But over the past through years I’m not sure I would have survived without my siblings support, even in times when I didn’t deserve it, they were still there believing in me and loving me. It honestly blows my mind.

Now that I am older I am beginning to see more struggles that siblings go through besides the clothes stealing and normal brother/sister torture. As children you and your siblings live one life. I mean sure you have your own friends and hobbies, but you live under the same roof, and you eat at the same dinner table. As adults you live different places and come together for holidays, and that’s if you’re all single, if any of you are in a relationship there’s a chance that a holiday could be spent at a boyfriend or girlfriends house. So finding the time to actually get together and catch up starts to become difficult and you begin to lose grasp on the closeness that had formed throughout childhood and adolescence. I know it is just a part of life and we just have to deal with it, which is fine with me, but it is important to not let too much time pass without speaking or seeing one another.

We are adults, we get in relationships, we get married and we start families of our own. Does that mean we forget about the family we already have? No. Take it from me okay, I guarantee none of my siblings are going to love any of the guys I date, and knowing my family they will definitely let me know how they feel about it. But they’re my family! Their job is to worry and voice concerns and never think anyone is good enough for me. That is one of the reasons I love them so much! They will still tolerate whoever I marry and be polite and respectful and probably just talk shit when we aren’t around but that’s what families do! Lol. You cannot blame or hate your siblings for always thinking they know what’s best for you, it’s just an annoying thing that comes with the territory of having brothers and sisters, we are mosey know-it-alls. Just know that the worst thing you could EVER do is let someone break the bond between you and your siblings. It should be in breakable no matter how many mistakes are made.

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The reason this song speaks to me so much is because family is the one model that we shape our opinions after the most. Of course there is media and our friends, but above all of that, family is what we look to for guidance and approval. No matter what you fight about or how your brother or sister feels about the decisions you make, you cannot stop believing in each other. There are many times in life where we need to seek advice from a brother or sister and regardless of what has happened in the past there should be NO reason that we cannot do that.

Hey Brother, do you still believe in one another? Hey Sister, do you still believe in love I wonder?”

When I think back on the losers I’ve dated and the horrible choices I’ve made I remember thinking there was no way in hell I could turn to my brothers and sisters for help without them yelling at me or judging me or saying “I told you so”. And I was right lol they usually always said that, but it was always what I needed to hear, and it always came from a good place. It was never said to hurt me or put me down, it’s not always about me, it’s about them too. If they can’t be honest with me and share how they feel about what I’m doing or who I’m with then what kind of sister am I? I expect my family to walk on eggshells around me so my feelings don’t get hurt? Hell no! I’m a grown up I can take it, if I don’t like what I hear that’s fine, no one ever said you actually have to DO what they tell you.

I end this blog with a shout out to my lovely brothers and sisters who I cherish with all my heart. Thanks for putting up with all my temper tantrums, my spoiled brat moments, the times you had no idea where I was, the times I worried you, the times I screwed you over or lied to you, and all the times I took you for granted and made it seem I didn’t care about you.

For those of you out there that have a brother or sister or both: call them, text them, email or even fb message them! It’s never too late to make up for lost time and its never a bad time to just check in and say hi!

xoxo.

Parents, can’t live with them, or without them.

 

Happy Monday everyone! Sorry that I missed yesterday, I actually spent the day drinking by my bestie Alyson’s pool, and went to bed early with a pretty bad sunburn! Ouch!

Anyway, for my blog today I was inspired by a post on Facebook, consisting of the above photo. Many of you know that I get the pleasure of working with my parents on a daily basis. Me being the lovely age of 25 obviously this job is not ideal, however, due to recent events I am actually very lucky to have it! But despite my overwhelming gratitude I am still going to cover many different points about parents in today’s blog.

Before you continue reading I in no way want any of you to think that I am this ungrateful spoiled little brat. I am sure many of you out there feel that if you open up about the things that upset you concerning your parents you will get that same negative feedback and it is just so unnecessary. First of all, not one person on this planet truly understands what another goes through in their home life, even if they have similar parents or siblings and etc. Second, our parents could give us the freaking moon, doesn’t mean they are taking home the parent of the year award. I grew up in a family of four children, two boys two girls, and I am the youngest (again if you’re going to start making assumptions because I am the baby of the family you may as well stop reading because I do not care for close-minded blog followers). My father is an Attorney who has had his own successful law firm for 20+ years, and my mother is, well, we will get into that later. Now I guess you could say we had the typical “white picket fence” childhood. We all played sports that our father coached for and we went on family vacations, we had pets and lived in a big house in Santa Rosa Valley. No complaints there, trust me, I very much enjoyed my life as a child. But as the years progressed my parents began having issues, mainly because my mother developed a drinking problem, which on top of everything else ultimately led to their divorce.

I heard a quote in the movie Imaginary Heroes that said:

One of two things happen when you meet your hero. either they’re an asshole, or they’re just like you, either way you lose”

So this is where things get tricky, you see, we as children, absolutely idolize our parents. I mean besides celebrities and princesses they are really all we have to look up to. So when we see our heroes completely fall apart, our entire image of them begins to change. Not our parents fault, but not entirely our fault either, I mean we are only kids. And instead of doing everything they can to preserve that image, I feel our parents focus more on THEIR emotions and the fact that their relationship is ending, and forget that they have children who literally see EVERYTHING. Again, I do not think this is totally their fault, I am an adult and I have experienced a break up and they really do suck. When someone breaks your heart and your whole world that you have spent so much time building starts to fall apart around you it is really hard to keep it together. I know that when my first serious relationship ended I totally spiraled downward and completely lost everything. I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to try and deal with something like that AND have kids to try and keep it together for. BUT guess what, having kids was YOUR decision, we definitely don’t send a magic messenger down to the earth asking you to please give birth to us. So I feel it is your responsibility to to have to deal with the outcome of your decisions. Of course no human being ever really knows how to truly accept responsibility so we cannot really expect parents to do so just because they are married and have a child. So in these situations what we usually see happen is a vicious cycle of bad mouthing, jealousy, and revenge. The worst part about it is that their favorite pawn to use in this game is what? THE CHILD! Yay! So the kids get mixed up in all of the relationship drama which we have no way of understanding until we get to the age of having OUR first relationship and going through OUR first breakup. It is actually really funny when you think about it right?

So, on one side you have a parent who is not only a parent but also a person just like any other, who deals with the same fucked up shit that we deal with on a daily basis. But on the other, you have a PARENT who is there to guide us and teach us and raise us to be responsible mature adults who make good choices. The biggest problem I find is that parents tend to totally forget what it was like to be a kid. It is like that part of their life is completely erased and they have no desire to even TRY to understand our side of what we are going through. Like, I’m sorry, you expect us to understand that you have bad days and you deal with bullshit too, but when we go through shit it’s like “what the fuck were you thinking I thought I raised you better than this”. Uhhh totally makes perfect sense right? Can all the parents out there just take one second, take a deep breath, and remember that we are doing the best we freaking can? I mean think about the world we live in right now. The economy is shit, there are more drugs, more sex, and more media. We do not live in a world like our parents did and even they didn’t have it all peachy keen.

Look, from the day we are born until the day we turn 18, it is on YOU as parents to determine what kind of adults we will be. From that moment on we basically take what you have done and do our own thing from that. And yeah I know we can be super difficult to deal with especially during our teen years, but guess what, if you’re not ready to handle it then don’t have kids. And if the road up until we turn 18 is a rocky one, then you cannot be surprised that our adult life isn’t exactly up to par. The key thing to do is to look back on things in our lives that may have a factor in who we are now and try to figure out a way to fix it. ESPECIALLY the things that you as parents had a role in. Only then will things start to be resolved.

My relationship with my father has dramatically improved, it is unfortunate that I had to hit rock bottom in order for it to do so, but it doesn’t really matter what causes the betterment. The only thing that matters is that things have changed for the better. He is finally taking responsibilities for mistakes he made as a father which has made it easier for me to take responsibilities for the mistakes I have made. And now even the littlest accomplishments are huge to him because he has seen what I have come from and where I have the potential of going. I am not saying everyone needs to go to an extreme like I did to finally gain the understanding of their parents but that is how it happened for me. I think parents really just need to examine themselves and their behavior and actions instead of always focusing on their children’s, because let’s face it, we don’t turn out the way we do all on our own.

Just give us a break every once in a while, life isn’t easy, we do what we can with the cards we are dealt.

xoxo