If I were a Boy…

[Lyrics credit: If I Were a Boy by Beyoncé]
Good morning my faithful followers! Let me start out by APOLOGIZING for my temporary hiatus. I am not proud to admit that I got caught up in something that distracted me from my focus on myself. YES, I admit it, I FELL FOR A BOY! Despite my better judgment in all the blog posts I have written WARNING all you ladies from getting deterred from your personal focus I foolishly allowed myself to do EVERYTHING I have encouraged you all NOT to do. I should start following my own advice…..
*WARNING* Long post ahead! Gotta make up for lost time right?
It all started last year, on Valentines Day (the horrible Hallmark holiday that I don’t even believe in) I was perfectly fine staying home alone like I do EVERY Valentines Day, but the Universe had other plans for me. The short version, I met a boy. Not just any boy though, oh no, on this night I met THE boy. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I have possibly known he was THE boy after just one chance encounter? Well, that’s easy: I just knew. He was the first boy I had ever met who had shared SO many of the same interests as me (including all the geeky stuff most people tell me NOT to share with anyone I am trying to date). I’m talking about nerdy decals on both of our cars, nerdy inspired tattoos, overwhelming knowledge of films that the vast majority knows nothing about, the whole nine yards.
Okay so let’s get to the good stuff right? So we exchanged Instagram information and I decided to get in touch with him later in the week.
Yeah…
I messaged him first, this is 2016 after all, and what can I say? He intrigued me. We exchanged some witty banter, very sarcastic and hilarious, and then he asked me out. I have to put this in quotes so you can all see what I saw:

Boy: Do you like horror films?
Girl: Yes! I love them!
Boy: Well, there is this theater that I love going to, they do this thing called Friday Night Frights, and this friday they’re doing Tales from the Dark Side…
Girl: Oh! that’s awesome!
Boy: So would you like to… hehe… go with me? :)”

Yep. Just like that. So simple. So adorable. I should have known right there that I was doomed. But this is ME we are talking about. I wanted nothing SERIOUS from this boy. And to be quite honest, I had previously been told some things about this boy which should have been enough to conclude that he was not someone to get involved with! But, me being me, I gave the benefit of the doubt. I mean, the information I had received DID come from his ex-girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned right? Maybe I should make my own judgments instead of basing them on an ex-girlfriend’s opinions right? So, I said yes, and I went on this “date” keeping my guard up with no intention of letting this boy in because I had NO desire to get mixed up with this boy! And I even told him this! I told him I was not looking for a boyfriend, that I did not want him to get any ideas of me being one of those girls who says one thing but does another, secretly planning to trap him in some awful “relationship” scenario. I was trying to hold my independent, free-spirited ground.
Fast forward (please) over the next few weeks of spending a good amount of time together, usually brought about by the boy because I wanted nothing to do with any couple-like behavior! Allow me to now bring the focus to a certain conversation between this boy and myself where he said, and I quote:
Boy: You’re so closed off. Like you have these walls up and I never know what  you’re thinking from one moment to the next.
Girl: Well this is due to my past. I have had some struggles that have left some scars and while I wear them proudly without regret I have learned to be wary of who I open up. Not that I look at everyone the same but in my experience every time I have let down my guard for someone it has resulted in me being hurt.
Boy: Well I want you to open up to me.
[girl lets out a quiet giggle]
Boy: I‘m serious! I know you have been let down in the past but I want you to know that you can come to me for anything. I want to be someone you can count on to always be there for you no matter what.”
No, this is not an exaggeration, he actually said that. This boy actually made me feel BAD for being so closed off, for keeping him at an arm’s length and he assured me that he would not hurt me like so many had before. Oh silly, naive Kara, actually falling for some stereotypical boy talk! Tell me ladies, how many of you have been told something similar by a boy, only to discover him pulling a disappearing act as soon as you begin to open up! But I dunno, I trusted the things he said, I really wanted to believe he meant it. So, this strong independent girl and her sturdy wall (constructed entirely from the sweet talk and empty promises fed to her from all the ghosts of bad boys past) went ahead and hired an entire demolition team specifically trained in the art of tearing down metaphorically built walls. And now you are probably wondering what was discovered in the rubble after this great wall of protection came down… I’m glad you asked!
One word: Vulnerability. Ah yes, just what every girl just wants, to be vulnerable with a boy. [she said with a heavily implied sarcastic undertone]
Okay, this story is looking more like a novel as each paragraph goes on. Let me try to wrap this up.
So, I generously opened up and bestowed my trust in this boy, a boy I put no pressure or demands on other than one simple request that we just remain honest with one another. Like, “Hey we aren’t in a relationship, you’re not my boyfriend, you’re free to do whatever you want and all I ask is for you to please not keep secrets from me. Seeing as we are both adults, participating in an adult relationship of some kind, I think it is only fair to share with one another if we choose to take part in adult activities with anyone else. I mean out of respect to the other person (especially for health reasons)”. I really didn’t think this was an unreasonable request. Some people might even say that it was very open-minded and totally cool of me. Not this boy. Nope! This boy found the request to be asking SO much of him! How dare I ask such a thing. I mean, sure there are girls who demand a ring after sharing the amount of time we had spent together, but not this girl. No way. This girl merely asks the boy to show her a tiny bit of respect.
Do boys understand that not ALL girls do this as a manipulation tactic to gain ammunition for a fight? Some girls actually just prefer to maintain their independence by being entitled to having a choice. Those little details will spare the girl of the potential hurt that usually results from being misled and ultimately finding out (trust me we always find out). I mean, excuse me for wanting to hold onto even an OUNCE of dignity and control over my life, forgive me for expressing to a boy that he is free to do as he pleases while only asking him to AT LEAST allow me the power to CHOOSE whether or not I want things to continue if such situation were to arise. His defense? Oh you are going to LOVE this:

Boy: Well you never asked me if I was okay with those terms.
Girl: You mean the terms of me saying you can do whatever you want but please be honest with me if you sleep with someone else? Those terms?
Boy: Yeah, well, sorry but you’re obviously more than just a “friends with benefits” to me and being honest with you about that made me uncomfortable.
Girl: If I mean more to you than a “friends with benefits” than why are you treating me like I’m less than that?
Boy: ……”

Remember earlier when I said the thing about me giving the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. Add that to the whole “vulnerable” thing and I’m sure you can all guess that there was no moment where a little imaginary light bulb turned on reminding me that I know better than to believe things could ever be different. No, sadly this previously strong independent girl went ahead and did the most idiotic thing possible…. she fell for the guy! *dramatically smacks self on the forehead*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

Yeah, you guessed it, it happened again! Let me help you out guys, just in case any of you decide to use this tactic to exhibit some sort of  “rebellion” or in an attempt to prove yourself that you’re a MAN and your business is yours alone. When you do something that you know is wrong and you keep it to yourself, you feel guilty (duh we learn that in like Kindergarten). Of course, in this case, it’s just so silly because technically he was entitled to do whatever he wanted. But the whole “secret keeping” was wrong because he knew all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. Anyway, the guilty feelings just sit in your subconscious eating away at you creating a rather annoying inner dialogue driving you CRAZY and as a result who essentially gets punished? The guy keeping the secret he knows he doesn’t have to be keeping? Oh no, NEVER! Me, the unassuming girl who has done nothing but blindly trust you and do whatever she can to continue building a strong friendship with you, the lying boy! Grrr.
Don’t worry, the end’s not near, it’s here (Band of Horses lyric. Kudos to you if you caught that one). So here we are, present day, and let me take this time to emphasize that this boy is actually a really great guy. And no I am not saying that as some sad little girl who wants to make the world believe he is a good guy but in reality, he treats her terribly. I am saying this as a girl who made plenty of mistakes during the duration of our… whatever it was… it takes two to tango right? Did that boy make some poorly executed decisions? Sure. Did his lack of communication skills make things 10 times more difficult than they needed to be causing little things to be blown tremendously out of proportion? Definitely. But at the same time, when we met he expressed to me that he was unable to handle any sort of relationship at that point in time. So the fault doesn’t lie with either one or the other, the reality is that neither he nor I expected to enjoy each others company as much as we did, and that can be really difficult to handle, especially if you don’t feel like you’re ready for something like that.
In the whole mess of hormones and logic and feelings, ultimately it comes down to this: we are all human. We all find ourselves getting lost in things that are out of our control, but it is our responsibility to either find our way out, or consciously continue therefore no longer being lost. I do not regret a moment I spent with that boy because let me tell you, I had some of the most amazing moments with him, things I doubt I would have ever experienced had I not met him. And, despite the pain I endured, I can still honestly say that he is my best friend. He was there for me for so many mind-numbing talks and he comforted me so many times when he really didn’t have to. The guy who after knowing me a mere four months surprised me with my first trip to Comic-Con for free and accompanied me to my semi-unbearable family functions. He was suffered through endless text messages of my ramblings even when he had no idea who I was talking about. Brainstorming solutions to an insane amount of problems that continued to slam me time and time again. And while I can easily say “I never asked for this, I never asked to fall in love with him” he can say the same thing about me. He never asked for this, he never asked for me to fall in love with him. It’s not like he would ever want to lose our friendship. In a million years I know he would never want that.
Unfortunately, even with my level-headed mature reasoning, I cannot end this without admitting the embarrassing truth. That I am broken. Nothing feels the same anymore. There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed because facing a day that doesn’t involve him doesn’t even feel worth it. Call me dramatic, go ahead, I don’t care. There was a time where I could care less about dating and then something I didn’t even know I was looking for went ahead and found me. And when it did it was like this weight was just lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I could finally breathe again. I have never known what it felt like to be sure of anything in my entire life until I met him. Now even breathing hurts. Every song I hear and every movie I watch finds a way to remind me of him and it just hurts. And the worst part about all of this is that the one person I want to call who would normally make me feel like everything is going to be okay, I can’t even call. No matter how hard I want to try and make him understand how this feels I just know he will never understand. In his mind, it is just something that happened, something we didn’t mean to happen, but it happened and the only thing left to do is move on. I would literally give anything for his ability to just push things to the back of my mind and move on. But I can’t. All I can do is sit and wonder if this pain will ever go away. I have been in relationships before and obviously, I have gotten over those relationships but the reality is that every guy I have ever dated I always knew wouldn’t last. There was always some very OBVIOUS reason for why it was only temporary. This guy is different. I just wish I could somehow share this with him, without the possibility of him thinking I am just some sad little girl. I just wish he knew that he is the most important person in my life, and how meaningless and empty this life now feels without him.
Don’t people realize that they are capable of completely destroying others? Is it that your self-worth is so low that you find the possibility of affecting someone completely unfathomable?
Well, newsflash, you matter. You’re capable of hurting others. And if you’re going to assume the responsibility of making someone feel good then don’t run away when those good feelings turn bad. Remember, it takes two to tango.
xo. Kara Love
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It’s like you’re homesick for a place that no longer exists

 

Good evening everyone. I know it has been a while, I have been without a laptop for some time, plus I finally got a job and it has been SUPER busy at work.

Today’s post was inspired by the lovely film Garden State. I would like to start off by saying that this movie was such an important movie in my life. It was the first indie film I ever saw and back then I always wondered why it affected me so much. There was nothing really that relate-able about it, besides family issues I guess, which everyone can really relate to right?

Recently I watched this movie again for the first time in a while. It has been about 9 years since the movie came out, which if you have seen it you know that it has been 9 years since Zach Braff’s character has been home, and he is going for his mom’s funeral. His mom had drowned in the bathtub, and as most of you know my mom recently passed away, also by drowning in the bathtub. I thought it really odd that 9 years after I first saw the film my mom passed away in the same manner as his character in the film, and that he is trying to connect with himself after feeling numb for so long, which is what I have recently been dealing with also. Also, his relationship with his father is a struggle as is mine, communication wise, it is all very similar.

This really got to me because as I said earlier I always wondered why I connected with the film so much and then fast forward 9 years and I feel exactly like his character. Especially when he says this quote:

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.”

If you haven’t seen the movie I highly recommend that you do, it is definitely a MUST SEE movie.

 

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: I’ll Show You by Justin Beiber]

 

I want Love to conquer all. But Love can’t conquer anything. It relies on us to do the conquering on its behalf.

Before I start I would like to share that I am currently job hunting which has taken up a lot of my time (hence the gap since the last post). To make matters worse I had the post all typed up and ready and then my nephew accidentally messed with my computer and it erased it. So I have tried to re-write it to the best of my ability. Let’s see how it goes.

    Relationships are hard. Whoever says differently are just kidding themselves. I think my favorite response to this is when people say “If you truly love the person then relationships are easy”. Pardon my language but that is bullshit. As soon as you involve the word LOVE it makes things a million times harder! Even when it becomes difficult people still pretend that everything is going just fine. It always amazes me when people know something is wrong but insist on ignoring it, as if that will make it go away. They avoid confrontation and end up boiling in resentment until they explode.

   This is how it starts: Boy meets girl (or girl meets boy) and nothing else seems to matter. Butterflies are in your stomach and it is almost as if you can take over any obstacle life throws at you. Your eyes light up while you tell people about them and you can envision the rest of your life going exactly as you always wanted.

“This is what love does: It makes you want to rewrite the world. It makes you want to choose the characters, build the scenery, guide the plot. The person you love sits across from you, and you want to do everything in your power to make it possible, endlessly possible. And when it is just the two of you alone in a room, you can pretend that this is how it is. This is how it’s going to be”. -David Levithan

Then when it is over, this depression hangs in the air as if the world is coming to an end, it is almost unbearable. Looking back over the past however many years dissecting every little detail trying to figure out what it is you did that brought things to the end. It goes on like this until someone new comes along and BAM! the world stops and all of that pain dissipates with the hope that this may be the one you have been waiting for. It is the exact definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

“The moment you fall in love it feels like it has centuries behind it, generations- all of them rearranging themselves so this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading up to this. All the secret arrows were pointing here, the Universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it. You are just now arriving at the place you’re meant to be”. -David Levithan

       I am not trying to be extremely cynical. Trust me I absolutely LOVE love. I want to be the kind of person that believes there is someone out there just for me. I want to believe that I exist in this world to be there for that someone. But I am just not good at relationships, I never have been, and that is something I am not sure I will ever be good at. I always manage to find flaws, sometimes in them, but mostly in myself. I can predict the end and then I go and cause the end. I do this in an attempt to save myself but end up alone [David Levithan].

    Even if the relationship doesn’t meet its end I still go about the relationship detached and aloof. This behavior usually bothers the person I am with and I know everyone tells me to just try, TRY to change, but why should I change myself for the person who supposedly loves me for who I am? I mean even when I detach, I care, you can be separate from something and still  care about it. That is one concept most people can’t seem to understand.

    Another factor is my taste in guys. I know all the girls reading this can relate. I am all about the troubled boys. The ones who need me to guide them and take care of them. It makes me feel needed and important. But the problem with being a girl who loves a lost boy, is the girl becomes lost herself [David Levithan, Every Day], and that is the beginning of the end. You spent all this time building a relationship and then it’s like one night you left the window open during a storm and everything was destroyed.

“The world is broken. But maybe it isn’t that we are supposed to find the pieces and put them back together. Maybe we’re the pieces. Maybe what we’re supposed to do is come together. That is how to stop the breaking”. -David Levithan

   Maybe the fantasy of love doesn’t exist anymore. But maybe that is okay. What is it that everyone always says? Everything is okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

As for me, I am perfectly happy not holding up to the status quo that everyone seems so hell bent on being apart of, it works for me. What doesn’t work for me is feeling like I have somehow failed because I am three years shy of 30 and not in a serious relationship. Maybe I will get married and maybe I won’t. Maybe I will have kids and maybe I won’t. I don’t know any of that yet. I am in my 20’s and I am living my life. This is the time of adventure and exploration, if during this time I meet someone with the same ideals as me then maybe I will have an adventure with them. I just don’t know. All I know is I am happy, and before this pressure of “falling in love” came over the world, happiness was the ultimate goal in living was it not?

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: School Friends by Now, Now]

Could it be I’m your mirror, showing you everything you have never wanted to face.

For those of you who have been wondering, and for those who haven’t, I have not given up on finding my lost Katerina yet. I can just picture her coming back home with crazy stories about her days on the streets running in the Kitten-Gang lol

For tonight’s post there are a few different things I would like to address. Each of them, although kinda different, are also in relation to one another. In the very least they fall into a similar theme so it really all works out haha. Now even though this post is going to be from a personal point of view, I am going to have to make it clear that in no way am I ever REALLY offended or affected by people’s comments or judgments of me and the way I choose to live my life. Maybe the Kara from like 3 years ago (for sure that girl) but definitely not this one.

So, back to the story of my kitten who (as mentioned above) has been missing for about a week or so, she means the world to me, and I am absolutely devastated with her gone. From that I would like to clearly state that I am a single woman in my mid-twenties.

Wait. You are a girl who likes cats, actually owns a cat, AND you’re single?! So you are going to be alone forever then just get more cats to fill that empty void until you become a crazy cat lady. I mean you should PROBABLY just get a dog”.

Seriously? That is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves, like, OF ALL TIME. I mean really? THAT is actually considered logic when it comes to a single female owning a cat? Honestly how IGNORANT can people really be! Have you ever stopped to think that maybe we like cats because:

  1. They’re cute and small
  2. They’re independent without requiring lots of care
  3. Not too needy so we can still go out with our friends and not worry about walking them and stuff (we are SINGLE duh)

I just think it is so crazy to assume all of these negative stereotypes when it comes to an individual’s personal preferences in living situations and/or pets. Considering the fact that I live in a studio AND I work full time. Not only do I think it would be unfair to have a puppy cooped up in there while I work all day but I just don’t have the time or energy to be needed so damn much when I get off work. So what is with this stigma attached to cats?? Just because I own (and enjoy the company) of kittens that automatically means I am sad and alone? And if that is the case then why is a single girl living alone with only her dog not just as sad? Like, yeah I took tons of pictures of Kat, she is a beautiful kitten and super cute and small so I loved taking pics of her and people constantly called me a cat lady who was gonna be “one of those women old and alone with a million cats”. I get that it is just a figure of speech/ joke but like, WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE WOMEN GIVING YOU THE PROOF TO MAKE THIS STEREOTYPE (and I don’t mean on a TV show I mean in real life). The effed up thing is that I have never heard of someone having a problem with a girl taking a million dog pictures. I am sorry I see WAY more dog Instagram profiles than cats and the dogs are always dressed up in ridiculous outfits with dyed hair and bows and stuff. So let’s be honest, who is REALLY the crazy obsessed pet owner hmmm? Now I am not saying I do not like dogs because I definitely do (like my siblings and friends dogs) but personally I enjoy a pet who isn’t going to lick me all the time with gross saliva everywhere and UGH the freaking barking, like stop already, we ALL hear you okay? You want the ball… we get it.

So people don’t find the whole “barking incessantly for the ball” thing annoying but they complain that:

Cats are assholes. They never want to hangout with you unless THEY feel like it. They won’t let you train them, they basically do whatever they want to do no matter what the owner tries to do/say…”

Okay so let me make sure I am hearing this right: what you’re saying is, that you hate an animal that has a mind of its own, who isn’t in a constant state of demanding your attention and love, BUT they still love you and care to show you affection when they feel it is necessary? Yeah that sounds terrible…. Like I said before I don’t dislike dogs, you are not going to hear me call a dog an asshole, but the constant need for attention and playing and walking… Even typing it out is exhausting me lol. I am 26 years old, I am still barely managing the whole “taking care of myself” routine, I would like to limit the responsibility as much as possible. Kittens are also really cute so its not a real losing situation in the long run. Truth is, if I wanted to go straight from working all day to being ambushed by something with an overwhelming desire/need for my attention and affection, then kept me from doing things for myself because when I tried to I would just hear whining, see puppy dog eyes and feel guilty… I would just go out and get a boyfriend LOL.

Moving on to another topic but sort of in the same retrospect of my personal life choices and relationship status haha… These questions from guys have got to be the very BEST I have ever received:

You live alone? That is so sad. You don’t get lonely?”

Yeah I live alone, no I don’t get lonely, I am not some sad old spinster who sits in my house all day and night wishing I had someone to talk to. I’m 26 and I am a big girl lol. Like I’m sorry but life isn’t like the show Friends (or for you more modern folks How I Met Your Mother) and not everyone has like this solid group of friends that they grew up with and live with and have coffee with instead of working all day…. (Trust me I was just as disappointed as you when I got that terrible wake up call from reality. Thanks a lot Monica and Rachel). Anyway, I used to have roommates and uhm yeah I am actually happy to NEVER go through that again. When I rented rooms with strangers they were always just like awkward forced hangout type deals, like because you live together they think they’re automatically you’re new friend (no I don’t want to hear about your stupid day during my show UGH), then living with friends sucked because someone doesn’t clean or pay bills or ditches out and BAM! Frienship ruined. Don’t EVEN get me started on living with boyfriends… That’s like probably the worst living situation ever lol. So I’ve done it all EXCEPT live alone, until now, because I was scared. Yep, I was all co-dependent and reliant on others to feel safe and happy, yuck! I’m sure it’s not that hard to believe from reading my other posts that I was a totally different girl back then, it’s unfortunately the “norm” to be like super co-dependent and it is so hard to break that habit, but what did it for me was just getting a place to force the change upon myself. And now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Why don’t you date? That is ridiculous. Let me take you out.”

Okay why aren’t I dating? See I never enjoy answering this question because it’s like any subtle answer I give is never good enough. Guys just continue to push and push thinking that eventually I will like give in and agree to go on this “date” with them. This tactic may work on some girls, you know the girls who actually give their number out even if they really don’t want to, those girls that are just TOO nice to say no because they may hurt your feelings. I, on the other hand, am NOT one of those girls. Does that mean I’m not nice? OF COURSE NOT. I’m actually quite pleasant to be around, I am just a realist, and will be straight-forward with you. I would want the same done in return because no one likes games (unless they’re board games right?). If I want you to have my number you will get it and if not then you won’t, no fake number BS, I don’t believe in giving false hope nor do I have the energy to make one up. So you ask why I don’t date and regardless of what I say you find SOME way to argue why every reason is actually why I SHOULD be dating, until I finally just have to give it to you in the longest most drawn out explanation, and guys you just never like what I have to say….

Dating to me is pointless unless you are in a position that allows you to look at the one you’re with and potentially see someone you could spend your life with. You may not even be close to ready for that kind of commitment, hell I’m not even sure I fully believe in marriage anymore, but to me I don’t see any point to dating someone except for trial and error in search of the guy I spend my life with. I may be a realist and my outlook on relationships may seem cynical but I do believe in soulmates and the only reason I have to go on a date is if I have a gut feeling that he may be it. Sounds crazy but I am intuitive like that and it might not be love at first sight but you can still sense if the time is something worth sparing for them.

Dating is just so awkward and I KNOW you agree. Like, he picks you up and then you’re sitting in the car on the drive, WTF do you even talk about?! How bad everyone else’s driving is? Yep that sounds pretty good. Then how bout more awkward silence and watching each other chew through dinner? Yummy. Oh and how about the questions, like seriously there is not one question on the list of Dating FAQs that I can answer without making the person so unbelievably uncomfortable lol.

  • Childhood- Total wreck masked by happy memories I barely remember since I’m the baby
  • Teen Years- Started out BORING lead to ridiculous years of sex and drugs. (TMI? I tend to do that a lot).
  • Exes only 2 but 1 was abusive/totally messed up my head (still slight PTSD from it… is that awkward?)
  • Siblings-1 Sister who is nothing like me and I am pretty sure hates me more than half the time. 2 brothers who are pretty rad but the age gap is pretty big (ya I am the youngest and now you think I am entitled/spoiled). Oh then I have 1 Step-Sister and 2 Step-Brothers, yet I am STILL the youngest.
  • Parents- This one will be fun. Mom would have been the best out of all of them but she could never get her act together long enough to have a relationship with us (everyone says alcoholic but mainly she just had mental issues x 1000). This resulted with us being raised by an emotionally unavailable Father who’s LIFE is his career (but hey he is a damn good lawyer). He married a woman who pretty much hated us and made our lives hell thus adding on to our already budding intimacy/commitment issues as well as taking away most of my faith in family/marriage/love.
  • My Birthday? February 1st 1988. A day I once celebrated to myself then became shared with my Step-Mom (loving it) and is now also just 5 days after the anniversary of my mom’s death. Did I mention she passed this year? Oh well must have slipped my mind, but yeah about 5 days before my Birthday, it was a “do it yourself ordeal” (TMI again, see I told you, also I tend to be a bit casual with morbidity).
  • Education/Career- Well I am still figuring things out at the beautiful age of 26 (if you get excited by the thought of taking care of someone stop right there because whether I have a career or not NO ONE takes care of me, but me).
  • Above EVERYTHING else I absolutely positively LOVE HARRY POTTER (it is seriously a huge part of my life, with other nerdy obsessions following close behind). You don’t have to like it now but you will like it after we binge watch the movies, and I am a movie fanatic so I hope you enjoy Netflix!

I mean, if that date doesn’t end with an engagement ring, then I don’t even know what this world is coming to! LOL. Okay maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, I mean I know everyone has their issues, but the difference is that most people kinda hold back until its like safe zone space to unleash the skeletons one by one. I just can’t do it. I am an open book (as you can see from this post as well as all my others) I don’t like to go into something that may end later because of something that they could have known the first night they met me and saved me 2 months of awkward dating haha. I don’t know what it is but I just don’t do well with the whole dating thing, both of my exes were my friends first and we started sleeping together and it was easy and care-free and comfortable, then the relationship just happened because uhm it’s basically what we were doing. Obviously I do not want to digress I want the normal dating experience but UGH it is just so awkies. <— [Ja’mie reference, if you don’t watch it, check it out on HBO GO].

Sex is pleasant of course but you don’t have to be dating to have sex you just need to be safe and honest. So in the end, will I let you take me out? Probably not. I’m not going to say yes to you just to make you feel better (I stopped putting others feelings before my own a long time ago… well I made some progress I mean lol). Oh and realistically there is a very good chance you just want to sleep with me anyway. Not speaking to all guys, obviously I believe chivalry still exists somewhere, #AugustusWaters. But if you are just asking me out because that is what is “supposed” to be done then that takes me to the final question (by the way you can assume this question is being asked via text message because it is ALWAYS via text message:

I think we should definitely have sex, we are obviously both in the same situation, and we clearly want the same things. Wanna come over [at 2am]?”

NO. I DO NOT WANT TO DRIVE OVER AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU. Just because we are both single DOES NOT mean we have something in common! I wonder sometimes how often that shit ACTUALLY works on girls! I don’t care how stressed or tense or mad or whatever else you think I am that sex will release lol but I will give you a little tip: if you want something from a girl… You need to break out of that mold you have formed from all the little skank girls you’ve slept with who require no effort but showing a minuscule amount of attention. In regard to my past sexual experiences you can be sure that I am not afraid to have sex, the fact is that I have gotten to the point where I know what is good and what isn’t, and I know what I want and what I don’t. I am not going to waste my time and stay up super late in the off chance it may be super disappointing for me. I am not dying for it that badly that I will risk a few extra hours of sleep or actually ANYTHING else for the small possibility of a good time. Everyone knows sex is better when you know the person (yes and when you care about them of course) but knowing them and having a friendship works well too. So booty calls really do nothing for me since you don’t know my body and you have no idea what I am into or anything like that. And sure I don’t know you that well either but I can guarantee you aren’t magic and you cannot just figure me out first attempt and blow my mind. Obviously I cannot speak on that with confidence because there is a chance that there are guys out there with that skill, HOWEVER, if you text me at 2AM I am going to have to assume you are not that guy. Listen boys, you want to treat a girl like a skank then go have mediocre evenings with those girls, not that they are mediocre but we just don’t put in the effort when we are treated like garbage (treat us like that and you don’t deserve our skills).

Treat her with class and dignity and you may just get the chance to sleep with a lady. Trust me the difference is eminent.

Xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Undertow by Warpaint

For you I’d break these walls, I’d choose to fall, I’m gonna cross that line for you.

 

Hello everyone! I know its been far too long since my last post and I definitely have an explanation. See I purchased a domain name and I’m in the process of making that transition so my blog can have its official website URL. On top of that I’m in school again and still working full time (also trying to maintain a life) I think you all catch my drift.

For today’s  post I wanted to touch on the subject of sleeping with your exes. We all know it’s a grey area when it comes to an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, it is the last person you felt comfortable with, and we all love regressing to what is comfortable. But here is the question: is it crossing a line to go back to an ex for physical purposes? Obviously I say it is not the best idea to go back to an ex and give the relationship another go (let’s be honest they are an EX for a reason) but what is the REAL harm in getting what you both need without any strings attached.

Only problem with the whole “no strings” is that they are your ex so emotional attachment is BOUND to be there no matter how “over” them you claim to be. So there is an issue right there. UNLESS you are able to get this taken care of in the form of “closure”…. You know what I mean by that, where there is that tiny unresolved piece from your past relationship, and you just can’t quite figure out how to take care of it and let them go. So you sleep with them and *poof* like magic you feel NOTHING and you are finally able to move on with your life.

We are all guilty of harboring feelings for an old flame and there is nothing wrong with it. The truth is that sometimes you never really get over them until you repair yourself from what they broke in you and give the fully restored version to the next one who will be the next chapter in your life. Most people prefer to erase that person completely and forget that part of their life ever happened in order to fix themselves and move on. And you know what if that works for you then so be it.

Others prefer to have that “one last time” moment with their ex. Just like a great book that you couldn’t ever put down, because the story was so captivating it engulfed you in every page, sometimes you want to go back and re-read it one more time. Not because you think the ending will change but because you remember how good you felt while you read it. And even if  the story doesn’t go on forever, and you know it still ends the same, it is still worth the read. Because you loved it that much.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Cross That Line by Joshua Radin]

The Monsters in my head are scared of Love.

Hello everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend (I know I definitely did). I spent Friday through Sunday in Las Vegas relaxing in a beautiful Venetian Suite by day and partying to Skrillex and Diplo by night! All good things must end and now I am home wishing I were still there because reality can be such a bummer.

I know you are all used to me ranting on and on about my cynical views on love, and even though I constantly insist that I am NOT cynical when it comes to relationships, I am sure most of you don’t believe me haha. Here is the honest truth though: Love seriously terrifies me. I mean it. I can handle ANY scary movie out there. I actually enjoy the adrenaline rush I get from fear. But meeting someone and letting my guard down, giving them the potential to hurt me, that has got to be the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I think my biggest worry has been that I will meet that “someone” and we will be together and be happy and whatever, and then one day he will just wake up and not love me anymore, but feel obligated to me or something and stay in the relationship even though he isn’t happy anymore. I think this stems from witnessing all the unhappiness around me. Divorce, adultery, lying, cheating, manipulation, and etc. Like I said in my previous post, my Venus is in Pisces (astrologically speaking), and I believe that makes me even more empathetic when it comes to feeling what happens to those around me. It is like this quote I heard in one of my favorite films “The United States of Leland” where Ryan Gosling’s character is explaining the two ways of seeing the world: that you can either see the sadness that is behind everything, or you can choose to keep it all out.

It covers my eyes. It’s all I can see. Say there’s some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won’t let play because he tells corny jokes and no one thinks they’re funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they’re gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can’t even look each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.”

That is how he describes being the type of person who sees the sadness all around us, it is the best way I can describe how I feel all of the time, and it literally causes my heart to hurt on a daily basis. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be one of those people who keeps that out I really don’t and I wish I did. I wish so badly to be one of those people who can just allow myself to be loved despite the risk involved because I want it trust me I want it so bad. But I find it so much simpler to just be alone and not even put myself through the mess. I mean tell me, how can I even begin to allow myself to dive head first into a commitment when all around me I see married couples in open relationships and guys who have serious girlfriends but are talking to me about sleeping with me? Because there is no way in hell I want to be the wife who stays home while my husband brings his girlfriend to Vegas, and I definitely don’t want to be the girlfriend who finds out my boyfriend has been cheating on me but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to “hurt me”, I just don’t even know what to think anymore all I know is that my walls are up and it is not for no reason. All of a sudden I can’t sleep again and I am beginning to question so many things as I continue to move forward in my life and I just want to know what is the point of it all? What is the point of feeling so empty without the ultimate outcome being that I become full?

And in the end, we are all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Bruised by Jacks Mannequin]

What a slut TIME is… She screws everybody.

Hello everyone! Ugh I know it has been SO long since my last post; I have been working A LOT of extra hours trying to save some money for 4th of July in Vegas!

Today’s post is all about Timing, as you can see from the post title quote (courtesy of Fault in Our Stars) and also the photo and quote pictured above. I don’t know about all of you but one thing I absolutely despise is when Time just refuses to stay on the same clock as me…

For example: Why is it that when I am ready and willing to jump into a relationship there are NO potential suitors? Like, I put in all this effort to make myself look nice and presentable, only go out and see absolutely NO ONE of interest. It’s not even like I’m super picky either, okay who am I kidding, I’m a woman of COURSE I’m picky. But I definitely don’t set standards that are completely out of my reach, I actually think my standards for potential boyfriends is pretty logical, with the exception of Ansel Egort of course (hey you never know lol). Moving on…

How frustrating is it being a single guy/girl? To go out without finding at least one person worthy of a little innocent flirting. Sure you could go along with it and give one of those options a chance… I personally am not a strong believer in the whole “dating for the sake of dating” or “better than being alone” way of living that everyone else has grown so accustomed to. Honestly I think those are two of the worst reasons to be with someone. Call me old fashioned, but I believe the act of dating was designed to find your future husband/wife, not to mask your fears/insecurities. Trust me, whatever you’re distracting yourself from will eventually poke its head out of the water and when they do you can expect an immense amount of turmoil to follow.

Truth is, EVERYONE ends up alone at some point (no life is not like the Notebook. It’s very unlikely that you and your husband/wife will die sleeping in each others arms). I advise taking advantage of your youth to work on loving yourself to eliminate those weaknesses holding you back. That way when you do find THE ONE, you will actually be capable of loving them the way one should be loved, and accepting it the same way.

Let’s continue… Another issue I have with that little floozy we all know as “Time” is the other side of the spectrum. That point in your life when you really don’t want to be in a relationship (yes some of us do want to focus on our own happiness before signing our lives away in exchange for a life making someone else happy) but of course good ol’ Time has something else in mind. All of a sudden you can’t even go to the grocery store without being asked out or hit on, and if it’s happening at the store just imagine how much worse it is at bars. Say goodbye to “girls night” and hello to the guy/girl who ends up joining your table at one point in the evening. Oh, and don’t even try to explain that you’re not dating and why, because all they register from that is “I’m no easy feat, I’ll be a huge challenge, try and win me!”.

It slightly offends me whenever I’m on a dating hiatus, and in the attempt to politely explain it to a guy, his response is an attempt to CONVINCE me that I don’t want to be alone I actually want a relationship…with him… obviously. Uhm hello, I think I am of sound enough mind to know what it is that I want, but thanks for your opinions of how I am living my life confused and unhappy because I am single. However, trying to fault them for it is useless, for they’re just on a different schedule than you; They want a relationship but no one they meet is ready or willing (you know what that’s like remember?).

Perhaps a solution to these issues with Time would be for all of us to buy the same watch? Just a thought.

I will end this post with a brief visit to one more example of Time related nonsense, the one time zone I haven’t mentioned, because it just hurts my heart to even think about… In this moment you’re in the second instance of time, not even thinking about finding someone or dating, you meet that one person who is absolutely perfect for you. You just KNOW right then and there, it’s magnetic, and it’s the most common circumstance of finding someone in the same TIME zone as you are… Only it “isn’t the right time”. And sure you tell yourself, hell you might even tell each other, that when the timing is right you two will find one another and be together. But come on, let’s be honest, how often do you hear of that happening?

Because I knew that you would be all right
And in my heart, you would stay a while with me
And we danced until the morning light
And you said to me, you said we’ll be all right
Yeah, we’ll be all right”

xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Be Alright By Lucy Rose]

Don’t be so hard on yourself… You can’t get better ’til you get worse.

blog photoWelcome back to reality everyone. The weekend is over and it is back to the work week. I must say I do love working full-time, even though I only get two days off, it really makes me appreciate that free time.

There are many weekends I have where I am fully booked with plans of going out with friends drinking or going to movies. But my favorite part about weekends is the time I have to reflect on my life; where I have come from, where I am now, and where I could be going.

This past weekend was one of reflecting. As I thought about my past, all of the things I have done, it really got me thinking. I can count a number of things that most people would probably judge me for and swear they can’t imagine how I could have done something like that. Now don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware of the things I have done, and some of them definitely are not easy to take ownership of. But hello… I am human. We ALL do things we are not proud of and we are all capable of doing terrible things no matter how high and mighty we think we are. Just because you haven’t done something to the equivalent of what I have done does NOT mean you have any right to look down on me. I may have not been a role model but despite my poor choices I am still like everyone else

“I’m not their hero but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t brave.
I’m not your hero but that doesn’t mean we’re not one and the same.”

Moving away from thoughts on the past to where I am today, and I think I have written this before, I am so shocked at everything turning out the way it has. It makes me feel as if I am living inside of a dream or something. Like at any moment I could wake up and not be here. Full time job, living on my own, surrounded by family and friends… Who knew right? People try to make me feel bad for things I have done, but really I just feel like they might be unhappy with where they landed in their lives, so they bring up my past to see if I will break down or something. Those who do not know my past and are meeting me as I am now just cannot believe that was who I used to be and this is where I have made it to. I think that is the best part, people being as surprised as I am, it literally brings a smile to my face. Obviously there are times when I cannot help but let it bring me down. When myself or others point out the darkest parts of my life, time that I lost and won’t ever get back, traumatic memories I won’t ever be rid of, it feels like I’m just constantly being chased by something that will eventually catch up to me. But then I realize that without all of that I wouldn’t know as much about myself as I do now. There was so much I needed to discover and it is what brought me to where I am today.

Learning all I know now, losing all I did.
I never used to feel like I’d be standing so far ahead”

That is pretty much what it comes down to at this point. I have been through a lot of shit, no more or less than anyone else, just my own. I am sure that it is not over because I am only 26 and I know the type of person I am. I do not take the easy way through anything. I love a challenge even if that means I slip and fall along the way. But I do know that I will keep pushing myself until I am satisfied with who I become. Never once have I actually looked forward to the future… until now.

I do my best to walk the finest line ’till I’ve had all that I can take”

xoxo.

(Photo Credit: Me in Vegas; Taken By: Keira Geary) (Lyrics Credit: “Not Your Hero” by Tegan and Sara)

[Currently Listening to: Gravity by Sara Bareilles]

“How do I get him to stop texting me?” A story by Kara Love & her iPhone

Hello everyone! I hope all of you are having a great start to your work week, but if you’re not, at least you can take your mind off things for a bit with today’s post!

Remember that time you went out with your friends to a bar/club/restaurant and you chatted up that guy/girl for like however long you were there for? Then as you were heading out they asked for your number and you thought to yourself “sure, why not, they seem pretty cool” so you exchange numbers and go on your way not really thinking too much of it.

Then when you’re in the car you hear the ever-so-familiar sound of your text tone, let’s be real here it is probably the most frequently heard sound by the entire human race, and you pull out your phone curious/excited as to who it could be (don’t even lie you know you act like that every time your phone goes off). So you look at it:

“Hey it’s [guy/girl] from the [location you met] what are you gonna do tonight? Wanna hangout?”

Uhhh…. What the hell? Is this guy/girl really asking me what I am doing 5 minutes after he said goodbye to me? Hmm they’re probably just drunk, I will play into it tonight I guess, I mean what is the worst that could happen?

So, the entire week following the “exchanging of the phone numbers”, you quickly draw the conclusion that:

  1. No they were not just drunk when they sent you a text asking to hangout 5 minutes after getting your number.
  2. They actually enjoy sending you a text asking what you are up to and if you want to hang out pretty much EVERY day.
  3. You may have dug yourself into a bit of a hole when you gave this guy/girl your phone number.
  4. You also may have dug yourself into an even DEEPER hole when you played into their texts that first night (rookie move, we all do it).
  5. You are just going to have to let them down easy before things get too out of control.

Okay so that initial week of the constant texts requesting to see you again has passed. You made the mental list in your head (it may be longer or shorter depending on how eager this texter really is) and you have had enough. I mean, I don’t care what ANYONE says, there is absolutely nothing flattering about this situation. It is not cute that you feel the need to text me EVERY SINGLE DAY trying to hangout when we just met a couple of days before at like a bar or something. It is creepy and weird and a little obsessive. Like maybe one text a day or two later, totally appropriate. But this nonsense is just plain unacceptable and it needs to be stopped.

So hopefully you figure out a way to cut the cord on that and you vow to never make that mistake again. Fast forward to some time in the future: a few months, maybe a year, maybe even more. You are just going about your life, business as usual, and you get a text message. You go to check it and you see that name, yes you still have them in your phone, do you remember who you are dealing with here? No one likes surprises! Anyway, this is the future and you’re a friendly person, so you go ahead and reply to them. What’s the worst that could happen?

  1. He/She will still be the same exact obsessive texter they were before. Did you honestly think they wouldn’t be?
  2. You will find yourself in a twilight zone-ish world where history is just repeating itself with constant feelings of deja-vu
  3. You might not remember how you got rid of him/her before, you can’t use the same out, maybe he/she won’t remember either?
  4. He/She might have gone through some terrible tragedy since then, so now you have to reject him/her again, AFTER he/she has gone through a bunch of awful shit. Way to be a total asshole.
  5. You will have to suffer through ANOTHER length of time where you are getting constant texts from him/her asking you to hangout which you always reply “perhaps” or “maybe” to even though you know you never will.

Congratulations future you, not many people can say they have time traveled, and you only have yourself to blame. But honestly it really isn’t your fault. I mean god forbid you are a friendly person who just likes talking to people right? All of a sudden it’s a crime to respond to people with absolutely no intention of ever hanging out with them? Like sorry I have manners and I speak when I am spoken to. Had no idea that pressing the send button is an automatic commitment to giving you my time just because you’re texting me. Also, word of advice: I may actually want to hangout with you at first, but my schedule is making it difficult, hitting me up every day asking me if I will ever make time for you is definitely gonna make me glad my schedule is so busy.

 

So what inspired this post? Obviously a real life experience that I have decided to share with all of you through the screen of my iPhone. Brief insight is I met this guy at a bar a year ago, he took a pic of me and my friends for us, we chatted for a bit. I gave him my number and he texted me IMMEDIATELY after I left to hangout. I went with it because I lived out of state. A year later he popped up again and I decided to be friendly and respond to the texts. I am sorry let me rephrase that, CONSTANT texts. I was always very nice when I would say I couldn’t hangout but in these photos I was at my breaking point. I am in green, he is silver. Enjoy:

 

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Screen Shot 2018-02-18 at 11.02.38 PM

 

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Sentimental Tune by Tegan and Sara]

Finally you have found someone perfect.

Hello everyone. I am not sure if you can guess the subject of today’s post by the title/photo but it is something that has come up in quite a few conversations lately so I figured I would write about it.

Marriage. I believe I wrote a post a while back about this adorable married couple I know and the insight I got from them on how to make it work and etc. So, lately I have been having these discussions with my sister, and she believes that I am totally living in some fantasy world. You see, despite what it may seem like from reading my blog, I am actually not a cynical person when it comes to love. Oh boy do I believe in love. I mean REALLY believe in it. The whole boy meets girl, boy and girl fall madly in love, get married and start a family… you know how the story goes. And why shouldn’t it go like that? Is it that hard to fathom that there is someone out there that is just perfect for you and when you meet him you just know? I am not completely unrealistic, I know that there is more to marriage than just love and I know that love isn’t always enough, trust me I know that. But that doesn’t mean that love isn’t a huge part of it. If anything I believe that love is like, the MAIN part of it… right?

Now my sister seems to think that because of my “fantasy” that I am living in I will have a very difficult time settling down and getting married. She says this because she believes that marriage is a business deal and the whole purpose is to find someone who will be a good husband to me and a good father to our children (when that time comes). He will be someone who will love our children and take care of us the way we need to be taken care of. That doesn’t mean I don’t need to have a job or whatever it isn’t all about finances but just in the grand scheme of things he is the right guy for the task at hand. When she said this I told her I don’t think that is how it is, I feel that if I don’t marry for love then I will wake up one day full of regret and unhappiness and want to leave him, and my biggest fear of marriage is to follow in my parents footsteps and raise my hypothetical children in a broken home. Her response to this was: “You know what you do when you wake up unhappy and want to leave? You get up, you go and play with your kids that you had with this man, you think about how good he is to those kids, and then you go to sleep. Because chances are those feelings will pass by the time you wake up”. Yeah… that is the wisdom I get from my older sister ha ha.

So who knows, maybe my ideals on love and marriage will make me actually achieving them difficult, I suppose only time will tell. All I know is that I would rather live my entire life alone than marry someone just because it was the “logical” thing to do. I don’t need some whimsical romance to sweep me off my feet like in the movies but it that much to ask to actually connect with someone and just get lost in it? I mean yeah I want to be smart about it, I want us to have careers, and I want us to be able to build a life together comfortably. But can’t you have that and be in love?

Anyway, for now, I love the fairytale I am living in. There may not be a knight in shining armor just yet, but that’s okay, I am all the hero I need at the moment.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Hard to Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers]

Friends are like Uggs… No one wants the fake ones!

Oh hello Tuesday (even though it feels like Monday). I was out sick yesterday so my week is already off to a weird start while I get my days confused and TV showtimes mixed up LOL! I hope everyone had a good weekend, mine was pretty mellow considering, I know most of you went to Stagecoach so that is exciting!! I was actually supposed to go to that (I know shocking because I am not a huge country music fan) but my best friend was going so my dad surprised me with a ticket which was pretty cool. Unfortunately the place she was staying didn’t have enough room for one more person. Oh well, there is always next year, probably best to save money anyways since I am planning an EPIC Vegas trip!

Anyways, I decided to dedicate this blog post to friendship, because I have been so fortunate throughout my life with the friends I have made. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my run ins with a few bitches along the way, as I am sure most of you have as well. Here is my biggest pet peeve when it comes to being friends with girls: why do you always gotta lash out against one another? I mean in reality we should be on the same team. We are women, there is nothing more powerful and beautiful than that, united we can do pretty much anything. When we fight and talk shit about each other that is when we are at our weakest and of course the opposite sex can EASILY take advantage. I have been in more than one situation like that in my life and trust me when I say that guys will always pin girls against each other because we are weaker when we stand alone. #TrueStory.

Me, I absolutely LOVE having friends that are girls, we are so much fun! I cherish the friendships I have had all of these years and can proudly say that I have kept almost all of them in good standing the entire length of the friendship (minus a few bumps here and there). I was just speaking on the phone to my friend Bekah last night about how we met and you are gonna love this story. I was living in Vegas and had only been there a few months so I would always go into this bar Blue Martini to visit my friend Natalie while she was working. There was a guy bartender there that I thought was really cute so I would always go hang out at his bar and flirt with him (typical) but tonight I noticed there were two girls sitting right there where he was working. Now I am not a bitch, contrary to popular belief, so I decided to introduce myself to the girls. One of them really had a story to tell. I mean this girl was talking my EAR OFF. She was very nice and everything but it was just a lot to take in. Somewhere inside the stories she was telling she let slip that they came to that bar to see the bartender because her friend Bekah had a crush on him, that is when I was introduced to her friend, and at the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers. Over a year later and she is one of my best friends, I seriously love her to death and have been through so much with her, and we met going after the same guy. Shocking right?

When you think about it though it actually isn’t that shocking. We bonded over the fact that we both thought the same guy was hot and that he happened to be a total tool. We weren’t trying to fight for him we were actually more satisfied with the friendship we gained from each other than a crappy one night stand with some asshole. That is how I approach most situations with my friends. I will NEVER put a guy first it just isn’t who I am. Because at the end of the day that guy could leave you or cheat on you or you could end on peaceful terms, either way you are going to want that friend by your side. I think when it comes to friendship the main factor that keeps it together is selflessness. Because let’s face it, you are going to have to listen to your friend bitch and cry and talk shit, even if you are having a crappy day. It is their turn then it is your turn. Sometimes vice versa.

There is just no way a friendship is going to last if you think the world is all about you and you expect your friends to constantly listen to you and be there for you if you do not reciprocate. I mean the same thing goes in a relationship too right? You’re not going to want to date someone who demands everything from you and gives nothing in return are you? Didn’t think so. So here is a reality check: I am not a bitch, but I also do not surround myself with selfish people who believe the world caters to them, those people carry bad energy that I do not care for. I have been through some shit, no worse than anyone else’s shit, but shit nonetheless. So forgive me for not choosing to stand by and allow people to treat myself and others that I care about as if they live to serve these so-called “friends”. I give tons of second chances and everyone knows that about me, but I only do it for those who truly meant something to me, and who I believe actually deserve it. If you haven’t shown me the same amount of respect and time that I feel a friendship deserves, then you can expect to no longer see me as your friend, and that is just how it is.

Now I know we are adults and this is not High School with the Myspace Top 8 and the “you can’t sit with us” bullshit. But whatever the age these things still become a problem and they still matter. I hate to admit it, and yes maybe it is because I am a girl, but that is just the way it is. So if you are a female out there and you are reading this: CHERISH YOUR FRIENDS. They deserve it. No one will be there for you like they have been and will be. And if you have a shitty friend who basically expects to always be a top priority in your life but has no problem shoving you aside in their own, then repeat after me:

“You’re Basic, Bye!”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Fuel to Fire by Agnes Obel]

Hi I like you, wanna hang out every day forever?

Oh it’s finally the weekend. I gotta write this post because it is about something that has just been bothering me for a while now. Show of hands for how many of you think it is cute when the object of your affection is TOO clingy. Ok obviously I can’t see your hands but I am going to assume very few of them are raised (hopefully).

Boys here’s a little piece of advice: just because you want to hang out with a girl super bad doesn’t mean you have to SHOW her how bad. Trust me there is nothing less attractive than a guy texting you all day and night when you just started hanging out. Sure, there may be some girls out there who like to hear from the guy 24/7 and hangout ALL the time, but it isn’t genuine. It all stems from insecurity and jealousy and etc. That is why I don’t trust guys who behave that way either. Oh I’m sorry you have known me all of two weeks and you’re already so sure that you want to spend every minute with me? And if you’re not with me you miss me so much you need to be texting me? Sorry dude but that does not make me feel special. It just makes me think you act that way with every girl and I’m just like all the rest. Also it makes me feel suffocated and it’s not cute.

So you meet a girl and exchange numbers and start texting or whatever. That’s nice and all, small talk, gettin to know each other, the usual. Then you feel the need to push your luck and jump straight into asking to hang out right away. Like woah. Cool your jets turbo. Now all I wanna do is stop texting you and avoid a hang out to the best of my ability. I mean let’s be real here, when it is the girl behaving that way toward you, what is your impression? “This girl is crazy” “she’s so clingy” you think it is any different when roles are reversed? Nope. I think the only difference is a guy will probably still sleep with a girl despite how clingy and crazy she is even if he can’t stand her long enough to date her. Girls can’t roll like that, or at least I can’t, I find it impossible.

Obviously I can’t speak for all girls but that’s the inside scoop for me. Now that doesn’t mean that we want NO communication either. There’s such thing as just enough knowledge of your feelings and just enough mystery. It’s not rocket science people. Enjoy your weekend!

xoxo.

[Currently Watching: Supernatural]

Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine, and we’ll walk from this dark room for the last time.

 

Hello everyone and happy Tuesday. I apologize for taking so long to write but my weekend was just SO busy! I went out of town for a Tegan and Sara concert (which was absolutely divine) and yesterday I was just too exhausted to even consider writing anything.

I was having some serious writers block all day today trying to decide what I should write about. I considered reliving the events from my weekend but I posted them all over my Facebook and Instagram and didn’t want to do that to everyone again hahaha. So as I was sitting here at my desk thinking I should just give up and try again tomorrow, my best friend send me a text bringing up a random thing from my past, which also came up in her past. This sparked my mind into thinking maybe I should write about this… Now obviously I do not want to write about the exact situation that went on (for her privacy and my own) but perhaps I can write about the general idea and still get the point across.

We all do things in our lives that we regret. Maybe we don’t regret them but at some point they pop into our heads and we think “what if”. If we aren’t careful these trips down memory lane can take us to a very dark place making it very hard to find our way out. We are all human so we are all guilty of doing this, whether it be about a boy/girl we broke up with, or even a fight with a friend/family member. The biggest problem we all have is moving forward from things that we have either done to ourselves or to the ones we love. The guilt just swallows us whole and we blame ourselves and everyone around us until we just cannot fathom ever being able to recover. The idea of forgiving ourselves for what we have done is almost impossible to grasp and we begin to enjoy living every different scenario we can dream up of how things could have been had we not done what we are wishing we hadn’t.

Nothing good can come from this darkness. I am not saying that you will drink or do drugs or whatever. I am saying in general, even if you are doing no form of self medicating, it is still very unhealthy to dwell in past mistakes. We cannot always get things right the first time that is just not how the world works unfortunately. Trust me, when I think about this one thing in my past, and where I could possibly be had I done things different, the possibilities can go on forever. But the point is that I didn’t do things different. I am where I am today because of all sorts of things, all having to do with me, not necessarily having to do with this one thing that I wish had gone a different direction. Who knows, what if I had done things differently back then, and ended up miserable right now. There is no way of knowing which is why there is no way to turn back the clock and do things over. What’s done is done. All we can do is continue growing and learning and the next time we land ourselves in the same situation hopefully we are able to do things differently.

I think about this certain memory quite often, and I doubt I will ever stop thinking about it, but I am okay with that. I don’t ever want to forget it no matter how sad it makes me when it does cross my mind. The truth is, I like being able to feel things, even if it’s sadness and regret. It just reminds me that I’m alive.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol]

I know the world’s not fair to you, I’ve got a cure for it’s crimes.

 

Happy Monday everyone. I will say that this week I am actually TOTALLY okay with it being Monday because I am counting down the days until I go see Tegan and Sara on Saturday in Palm Springs!!! So excited!!

Anyway, as happy as I am about this coming weekend, today’s post is going to be a little on the downer side, warning you in advance. Now I know it is silly to try and place blame on things for our own mistakes in life. I am the Queen of blaming everyone else for my misfortunes and it definitely resulted in me being stuck in my rut for far too long. I spent SO MUCH TIME focusing on how much my parents messed me up which led to my decisions in dating which led to being treated like shit by boyfriends which led to my drug addiction and etc. I was so consumed by this that I was literally convinced that I was not the problem. Everyone else was the problem and I was just facing the consequences of their fuck ups.

Although, there is some truth to the idea that parents shape us into the adults we become, and if they aren’t careful then we could end up entering the real world completely unprepared. If we have unresolved issues with our parents this COULD carry over into our romantic relationships and that is never good. However, once you actually get out into the real world, and you begin to experience the negative effects of these things, well then it is all on you to change it. You can’t just sit there and give up saying “oh well it’s all their fault so there is nothing I can do about it”. That is a little childish don’t you think?

Here is my truth: I was so sad about things that happened in my family during my childhood and teen years that I just wanted to escape. My escape was becoming someone else and burying those insecurities and emotions down deep. Because I shifted all of my focus away from myself and my own problems I was never able to fully get a grip on my life, I was too busy focusing on everyone else and their problems, which dragged me even further down. In the end, the people I spent all my energy trying to “save” didn’t need me anymore and I would end up alone all over again, with nothing of my own because all I had done was get them things for themselves. This resulted in me feeling even worse about myself and my life and how my parents never told me how tough and cruel the world can be and I was just hopeless, bla bla bla. Then comes the drugs. SO MANY DRUGS.

Ecstasy, blow, acid, shrooms, painkillers, and my personal favorite meth. All of the others were just temporary distractions. Stuff you party with but none of them really stuck with me or caused me to lose a job or anything. But meth, that one got me in my lowest point, I was basically looking for something to destroy me and I literally didn’t even have to look for it. It came right to me. The whole time I was with my ex boyfriend I was using all of my energy to make him feel like a better person and convince him of how great he was. While at the same time he was slowly but surely manipulating me into thinking I was this terrible person and in the end when he cheated on me that really was the final nail in the coffin. So there I was allowing my world to crumble around me because “what was the point” and BAM someone just offers me this drug. Nothing was ever the same after that.

The entire time I was using I was so numb to everything. I just didn’t care anymore and that was such a relief. In the end I was so tired of living in this miserable life I just wanted it to be over you know? But no matter what I did, and trust me I did some dangerous shit, I still always managed to survive. So here I am today thinking back about all the times I wished I didn’t have to be here anymore…. and I am so happy that I am still here. That is what keeps me going. I let go of all that blame and anger because the truth is that people make mistakes. Parents, children, brothers and sisters. We all do. Life is hard, people suck most of the time, and pretty much NONE of it is ever really going to be fair. But it is like that for EVERYONE. Since I let all of that negativity go my life just started kind of falling into place, I mean yeah I have had to work at it, but it isn’t such a struggle to work at it anymore. It isn’t such a struggle to be happy anymore.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening: Midnight Coward by Stars]

This life of yours is 100% your responsibility

Happy Monday everyone! I wanted to start this week’s blog off right with a really positive post. I recently got my tax return from working all year and let me tell you, it was something to be happy about. I worked full time all year and stayed committed to my jobs and it actually paid off. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have gotten a tax return before, but never this high. It really made me feel like I actually did something last year. But before I went and spent it all on useless things like I normally would, I decided to finally start acting like a grown up, so I did. I decided to look into getting a secured credit card to start building my credit back up, and guess what, I got approved for a $500 limit! Not only that but they checked my credit score and even though I won’t share the exact number on here I will say it has raised by over a hundred points since I came home in June. I seriously could not be more thrilled with myself.

The best part about all of this is that since I came home I paid off a pretty expensive ticket, pay for my own gas and car maintenance, and buy my own groceries because I live on my own. At first I was paying a really high rent for just getting back on my feet so I took it upon myself to get a smaller place that is much cheaper so now I am saving way more money. I am finally starting to feel like an adult for once in my life. I have had apartments before (shared with roommates) but that never felt anything like this. It is liberating being all alone doing things without relying on other people and without the fear that someone will take advantage or screw you over. I have collected debts since I was 18 years old and now I am starting to take responsibility for everything and take care of them. I never wanted to admit that any of it was my fault but once I did and started doing what I was supposed to do things actually started looking up.

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Now, I am not trying to be super cliche here, but it is true when people tell you that living your life right you will reap the benefits. I am living proof of that right now. My credit score is climbing higher, I am getting a credit card again, I am living on my own! It is all so amazing! To make things even better I can finally afford to do the things I want to do: I am going to a Q&A for The Vampire Diaries/The Originals on Saturday at the Dolby Theater, I am seeing Tegan & Sara in concert, and taking a vacation with my best friend and siblings over the summer.

It is like I am living in a dream because my whole start to adulthood I swore all of this was impossible for me. I told myself that I would never achieve any of these goals or do any of the things I want to do. Like I wasn’t capable of living a normal life like everyone else in the world. But that is just bullshit I told myself to excuse my erratic behavior. I mean come on, we are SO much smarter and stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can literally do ANYTHING we set our minds to. I am not trying to preach to all of you of be all sunshine and rainbows, I would be lying if I said this was a walk in the park, and if I said that I didn’t try to give up time and time again. All I am saying is that I am finally seeing the results of my hard work and those dreams I used to have of a “normal” life are actually becoming my reality.

I could not be any happier than I am right now.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening: Closer by Tegan & Sara]