One of the Many Reasons I HATE Heroin…. and Other Drugs too…

bf4ea587b03762c6c958272526dc5b50Hello friends and fellow #Gleeks Lol. This post was inspired by the sneak peek of next week’s Glee episode: the Tribute to Cory Monteith (RIP). I won’t lie to you guys, the clip was like fifteen seconds long, and my eyes were already welling up with tears.

I know what you’re all thinking: “wow this girl is so lame” and yeah, I don’t really care what you think about the show Glee, I have watched it since season 1 and I absolutely LOVE IT. But it seriously isn’t even about the show. I mean yeah because I watch it I fell in love with his character, Finn Hudson, so yeah maybe it hit me a little hard. But it mainly got to me because it was such a complete and utter shock that he struggled with a heroin addiction. Of course once this happened I discovered how open he was with his past of addiction and struggles and his multiple attempts at rehab, but I just never really kept up with the media until recently, so I just never knew. And I know that celebrities are just like us and have the same problems and difficulties but it was just really hard for me to imagine, especially since I am just so used to seeing him on Glee or out dating his on screen girlfriend Lea Michelle, looking so happy and carefree. I think the worst part about this whole thing for me is the fact that there was actually a DEBATE on whether or not there should be a tribute episode for him on Glee due to the circumstances of how he died. Like there was a poll on the news for people to vote on this. I was so shocked at the world for actually having that as a discussion topic. Who the eff cares HOW the hell he died, he freaking DIED. Like for people to actually treat a death like that just because it was a drug overdose makes me sick. Drug addicts are people too and they have every right to be mourned and remembered. There was even controversy over Jane Lynch, fellow Glee co-star and well-known actor (40 year old virgin, etc.) and her tribute to him at the Emmy’s, even though the main purpose of her delivery was the dangers of addiction! It is just mind blowing.

This situation just added to my list of MANY reasons I HATE HATE HATE that drug, I have seen SOOOO many bad things happen to so many good people because of it and it makes me so angry I could just scream. I know all drugs are bad trust me, I have reasons for hating all of them, I have just seen a lot of friends fall far because of this one and it makes me so sad.  When I went to rehab I met so many amazing people who just touched my soul you know? It just breaks my heart to think some of them could be out there using again, and the thought that ANY of them could really hurt themselves scares me beyond belief, it honestly keeps me up most nights. That is the worst part about overcoming your addiction: knowing that there is nothing you can do to save anyone. It just eats me up inside, that there are people out there struggling the way I have struggled, or even in worse ways than me, but I have to sit here knowing there’s nothing I can do. Trust me I have spent most of my life putting others before me, focusing all my energy on trying to fix them, but it never works. It just made me feel worse in the end because no matter how hard I tried nothing ever made anything better. But I will tell you one thing: if in the tragic event something horrible happened to one of my friends due to their addiction, you can be damn sure that I will give the most heartfelt speech, and I will do whatever I can to make sure that they are remembered.

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To all my friends out there that I have met along my rocky path, I hope you are all doing well, and just know that I am always available to talk. If I am at work or something just text or leave a voice mail, because I care about ALL of you, and I miss you all so much! And to those of you that I do not know who may be dealing with similar struggles, do not wait until it is too late to get the help you need, life is way too good to give up!

Stay strong everyone.

xoxo.

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Alive

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Good evening (morning?) my favorite blog readers! Before I get into tonight’s entry I wanted to let you all know that I am the author of the poem in the above picture. It is called Alive. I added it to a photo of a sunset using a simple app on my iPhone (called Overgram) which is how I made it look like something you find on Pinterest and tumblr and etc. I wrote that poem last year, around the end of the summer I believe, when I was really struggling to get a grip on reality.

So tonight I am feeling pretty random. I sometimes find that my new life has become so mundane, filled with the same routine, overflowing with normalcy. Never before have I wanted a life like this and now I am kind of stuck in it due to my unfortunate past of poor decision making. You see, I have never felt that I was fit for this kind of basic standard of living, sometimes I feel trapped in a false sense of security and I just want to scream. But, instead, I play the part and try to find a way to cure this mind numbing boredom (you know without mind altering substances).

I wrote a poem once, I called it “carousel”. It was about my life and how it feels like I am constantly spinning in circles, like the horses on the carousel, and I am just begging for something to make it stop. But no matter what I do nothing seems to slow it down enough. Yeah, some of those “quick fixes” helped trick myself into thinking the ride was finally over, but then everything would just speed up again. I could never quite get both feet firmly on the ground.

If you read my last blog you might have noticed the quote “we accept the love we think we deserve.” One of my favorites from Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (highly recommend reading the book AND seeing the movie). Anyways, when I heard that, something in my head kind of clicked. I never wanted to believe in love, I never thought I deserved it, so I picked guys who I knew wouldn’t last. I believed things always end so why prolong the inevitable? I began a vicious cycle of self-sabotage to avoid getting hurt but all it did was leave me less than whole. And ultimately the things I ended up doing to people (friends and family included) to prevent them from getting too close made me feel like I did not deserve good things. I mean who can honestly love someone who cannot even love herself?

Today I am happy to say that I feel I am someone new. I learned the hard way that “numbing the pain for a while makes it worse when you actually feel it” (HP fans that’s perfectly quoted by good ol’ Albus Dumbledore). I am so sick and tired of running away from my emotions, I want to feel something real, even if it is pain. I want to be reminded that I am alive, and that I am not fading away from this beautiful existence that I am so lucky to still be around to appreciate. So yeah, maybe this life I’m living right now isn’t for me, and maybe it never will be. But I am willing to play the part, because just like every good story, you gotta go through some stupid crap, to get to the good stuff right? And I really cannot wait for the good stuff!

Goodnight everyone and thanks for your continued support.

xoxo

Fairy tales

Well, this is my very first blog post, and I am really excited about it. I have basically been attempting to write a book for years now, and although I am not giving up on that goal, I still needed an outlet to just share my story somehow. So my friend led me into the direction of blogging and here I am! All I can hope for is people to read what I write and either find clarity in whatever they may be going through, or even just comfort in knowing they’re not alone.

So, I will start off by asking you to use your imagination, and just pretend you are about to read a fairy tale. You see, as children we are tucked in for bed at night and our parents read us these stories, intending to help us have pleasant dreams, a million hopes, and of course a happy ending. But as we grow older we begin living a completely different “fairy tale”. The one called life, and boy are we surprised.

     Now, most of you know these stories by heart, so you know that they are all pretty much expressing the same message: There is a King and Queen and all they want is a child but are unable to have one. So an evil witch comes and offers to solve their problems, under the condition that the child will go live with the witch when she turns 18. So of course the King and Queen agree with the naive hope that by the time their daughter turns 18 the witch will have somehow forgotten the whole deal.

    Fast forward to the Princess on the eve of her 18th birthday, she is on her balcony overlooking the city engulfed in sadness. She feels trapped in the life she is living and wants so desperately to experience adventure, freedom, and love. She believes that her two loving parents are just too strict, smothering her by being overprotective, and that living in that beautiful castle with them is unfair. She is convinced that something is missing and hopes that she will find some type of magic to fill the emptiness that haunts her.

    When the sun begins to set the princess changes into common clothes, carefully sneaks out of the castle, and heads directly into a spooky forest. Within this forest she always finds herself in some sort of danger; an evil witch disguised as a poor old woman, a hungry forest monster, nomad hooligans who try to rob her, and I am sure you get the idea. In the midst of danger a handsome outcast, who happened to be camped out at a nearby tree with some kind of animal friend, rushes to the rescue of the Damsel in distress and whisks her away to a safe cave or pond or clearing. In this safe zone they each inquire about the others quest, the Princess lies about who she is but the outcast figures it out and tries to put her down for running away because of how lucky she is. The Princess begins to list all of the reasons why she is far from lucky and how she cannot think for herself or make her own decisions and is constantly trying to make her parents proud living the life they want for her but it doesn’t make her happy and she wants to choose her own destiny, blah blah blah. Upset at his disapproval the Princess storms off alone expecting him to follow. The outcast paces back and forth yelling about how spoiled she is too his animal sidekick, refuses to go after her, then hears her scream and runs to save her. The story continues with their journey of discovery, the periodic short love ballads sung by woodland creatures, and a solo song by the villain that reveals the secret of the Princess and her childhood. After a few more obstacles to overcome the two end up at the Castle where the story began to defeat the villain in a very epic battle. The King and Queen then rush out to embrace their daughter and she makes them promise not to keep secrets from her again. She then introduces them to the outcast whom they would normally disapprove of but given the circumstances they are delighted to meet him. The King and Queen immediately put together a wedding, the outcast becomes a Prince and the Princess, with all of her questions finally answered, is no longer empty but completely satisfied with her life. As they are pulled away in their horse drawn carriage the movie ends with the display of “And they lived Happily Ever After. The End.”

     So, with that being said, I should tell you that when it comes to the “fairy tale” I just shared above,  I am the Princess. Only, I am not a Princess at all. I am a normal girl just like any other,  willing to bet that out of all the women reading this, at least one has shared the same thoughts as our dear Princess. As for the men reading along I can only assume you see yourself as the outcast. Quite the contrary, you are the Princess too. The Princess of the story represents every single person who at one point in their life reaches a dead end; you find yourself trapped and unable to figure out why. So you make an impulsive decision. Whether it be to rebel against your overbearing parents, or in hopes to get the attention from parents who just don’t ever seem to notice. Unfortunately, the end of every fairy tale brings you back to where it started, the Castle. But in real life the story doesn’t end, it starts all over again, giving you another shot. In a vicious cycle each new start is more challenging than the one before, until you finally get it right.

     Now here I am, fresh out of rehab, starting over yet again. I really do feel like this time I will get it right though. I may have said that many times before, but something about this last year has really made an impact on me, and I do not think I could survive another trip down to the ever-so-cliche “rock bottom”

xoxo.