We are the Reckless. We are the Wild Youth.

I know what you’re thinking…

It HAS been a while!

I honestly don’t have any reason for my leave of absence, other than a year long downward spiral that I never saw coming, otherwise I would have warned you.

I will reassure you all that I am back and feeling better than ever. I have a job and a new apartment down in Orange County where I am just a block or two from the beach. Life is so good right now it is almost hard to believe that it is my life. Even when my life was good before it was never THIS good. Ok, have I used the word “good” enough times? Lol.

All jokes aside, I always promised raw honesty on this thing, that’s why I started it in the first place, so why quit now? It is 2018 and the world we live in can be a really dark place. I am not entirely sure how I can share about the things I have done and seen in the last couple years, the only thing I am sure of is that I never again wish to ever venture down into that darkness.

I am not sure why people do the things they do. We are given this life with all sorts of beauty and culture and experiences but somewhere along the line we risk it all for something fleeting and tragic. I have never been so unbelievably aware of how broken we are until now. I have lived my entire life fighting for some small piece of happiness when I truly can’t even put into words what the term really means. My only understanding of it is what I have seen in movies or on television, or what I perceive to be happy in others. Is that the reality of it all? That every person on this planet is struggling to be this thing that no one can even prove exists?

Before I go on I should probably explain that I am living in Orange County due to my own darkness, which led me to seek treatment down here, and attempt to piece myself back together. I am currently 3 months and 13 days sober and I am continuing to work on my recovery every day. I know some of my family members would advise against me being so open about my afflictions, especially online for the world to see, but I honestly have no shame in regards to my past. It has led me to becoming who I am.

What I will do is spare the gorey details of what held its grip on me for the last year or so.

The important thing is for me to own my reckless decisions and move forward from them. I have come to learn so much about myself and I am grateful every day for that.

I still live each day with the pain of knowing how many others are out there suffering, but one thing I have learned is that it is not my pain to carry anymore. It took me long enough, but I am finally ready to grow up. 30 years old seems like just the right time. <3

xoxo.
Kara Love

[Currently Listening to …And They Escaped the Weight of Darkness By: Olafur Arnalds]

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If I were a Boy…

[Lyrics credit: If I Were a Boy by Beyoncé]
Good morning my faithful followers! Let me start out by APOLOGIZING for my temporary hiatus. I am not proud to admit that I got caught up in something that distracted me from my focus on myself. YES, I admit it, I FELL FOR A BOY! Despite my better judgment in all the blog posts I have written WARNING all you ladies from getting deterred from your personal focus I foolishly allowed myself to do EVERYTHING I have encouraged you all NOT to do. I should start following my own advice…..
*WARNING* Long post ahead! Gotta make up for lost time right?
It all started last year, on Valentines Day (the horrible Hallmark holiday that I don’t even believe in) I was perfectly fine staying home alone like I do EVERY Valentines Day, but the Universe had other plans for me. The short version, I met a boy. Not just any boy though, oh no, on this night I met THE boy. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I have possibly known he was THE boy after just one chance encounter? Well, that’s easy: I just knew. He was the first boy I had ever met who had shared SO many of the same interests as me (including all the geeky stuff most people tell me NOT to share with anyone I am trying to date). I’m talking about nerdy decals on both of our cars, nerdy inspired tattoos, overwhelming knowledge of films that the vast majority knows nothing about, the whole nine yards.
Okay so let’s get to the good stuff right? So we exchanged Instagram information and I decided to get in touch with him later in the week.
Yeah…
I messaged him first, this is 2016 after all, and what can I say? He intrigued me. We exchanged some witty banter, very sarcastic and hilarious, and then he asked me out. I have to put this in quotes so you can all see what I saw:

Boy: Do you like horror films?
Girl: Yes! I love them!
Boy: Well, there is this theater that I love going to, they do this thing called Friday Night Frights, and this friday they’re doing Tales from the Dark Side…
Girl: Oh! that’s awesome!
Boy: So would you like to… hehe… go with me? :)”

Yep. Just like that. So simple. So adorable. I should have known right there that I was doomed. But this is ME we are talking about. I wanted nothing SERIOUS from this boy. And to be quite honest, I had previously been told some things about this boy which should have been enough to conclude that he was not someone to get involved with! But, me being me, I gave the benefit of the doubt. I mean, the information I had received DID come from his ex-girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned right? Maybe I should make my own judgments instead of basing them on an ex-girlfriend’s opinions right? So, I said yes, and I went on this “date” keeping my guard up with no intention of letting this boy in because I had NO desire to get mixed up with this boy! And I even told him this! I told him I was not looking for a boyfriend, that I did not want him to get any ideas of me being one of those girls who says one thing but does another, secretly planning to trap him in some awful “relationship” scenario. I was trying to hold my independent, free-spirited ground.
Fast forward (please) over the next few weeks of spending a good amount of time together, usually brought about by the boy because I wanted nothing to do with any couple-like behavior! Allow me to now bring the focus to a certain conversation between this boy and myself where he said, and I quote:
Boy: You’re so closed off. Like you have these walls up and I never know what  you’re thinking from one moment to the next.
Girl: Well this is due to my past. I have had some struggles that have left some scars and while I wear them proudly without regret I have learned to be wary of who I open up. Not that I look at everyone the same but in my experience every time I have let down my guard for someone it has resulted in me being hurt.
Boy: Well I want you to open up to me.
[girl lets out a quiet giggle]
Boy: I‘m serious! I know you have been let down in the past but I want you to know that you can come to me for anything. I want to be someone you can count on to always be there for you no matter what.”
No, this is not an exaggeration, he actually said that. This boy actually made me feel BAD for being so closed off, for keeping him at an arm’s length and he assured me that he would not hurt me like so many had before. Oh silly, naive Kara, actually falling for some stereotypical boy talk! Tell me ladies, how many of you have been told something similar by a boy, only to discover him pulling a disappearing act as soon as you begin to open up! But I dunno, I trusted the things he said, I really wanted to believe he meant it. So, this strong independent girl and her sturdy wall (constructed entirely from the sweet talk and empty promises fed to her from all the ghosts of bad boys past) went ahead and hired an entire demolition team specifically trained in the art of tearing down metaphorically built walls. And now you are probably wondering what was discovered in the rubble after this great wall of protection came down… I’m glad you asked!
One word: Vulnerability. Ah yes, just what every girl just wants, to be vulnerable with a boy. [she said with a heavily implied sarcastic undertone]
Okay, this story is looking more like a novel as each paragraph goes on. Let me try to wrap this up.
So, I generously opened up and bestowed my trust in this boy, a boy I put no pressure or demands on other than one simple request that we just remain honest with one another. Like, “Hey we aren’t in a relationship, you’re not my boyfriend, you’re free to do whatever you want and all I ask is for you to please not keep secrets from me. Seeing as we are both adults, participating in an adult relationship of some kind, I think it is only fair to share with one another if we choose to take part in adult activities with anyone else. I mean out of respect to the other person (especially for health reasons)”. I really didn’t think this was an unreasonable request. Some people might even say that it was very open-minded and totally cool of me. Not this boy. Nope! This boy found the request to be asking SO much of him! How dare I ask such a thing. I mean, sure there are girls who demand a ring after sharing the amount of time we had spent together, but not this girl. No way. This girl merely asks the boy to show her a tiny bit of respect.
Do boys understand that not ALL girls do this as a manipulation tactic to gain ammunition for a fight? Some girls actually just prefer to maintain their independence by being entitled to having a choice. Those little details will spare the girl of the potential hurt that usually results from being misled and ultimately finding out (trust me we always find out). I mean, excuse me for wanting to hold onto even an OUNCE of dignity and control over my life, forgive me for expressing to a boy that he is free to do as he pleases while only asking him to AT LEAST allow me the power to CHOOSE whether or not I want things to continue if such situation were to arise. His defense? Oh you are going to LOVE this:

Boy: Well you never asked me if I was okay with those terms.
Girl: You mean the terms of me saying you can do whatever you want but please be honest with me if you sleep with someone else? Those terms?
Boy: Yeah, well, sorry but you’re obviously more than just a “friends with benefits” to me and being honest with you about that made me uncomfortable.
Girl: If I mean more to you than a “friends with benefits” than why are you treating me like I’m less than that?
Boy: ……”

Remember earlier when I said the thing about me giving the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. Add that to the whole “vulnerable” thing and I’m sure you can all guess that there was no moment where a little imaginary light bulb turned on reminding me that I know better than to believe things could ever be different. No, sadly this previously strong independent girl went ahead and did the most idiotic thing possible…. she fell for the guy! *dramatically smacks self on the forehead*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

Yeah, you guessed it, it happened again! Let me help you out guys, just in case any of you decide to use this tactic to exhibit some sort of  “rebellion” or in an attempt to prove yourself that you’re a MAN and your business is yours alone. When you do something that you know is wrong and you keep it to yourself, you feel guilty (duh we learn that in like Kindergarten). Of course, in this case, it’s just so silly because technically he was entitled to do whatever he wanted. But the whole “secret keeping” was wrong because he knew all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. Anyway, the guilty feelings just sit in your subconscious eating away at you creating a rather annoying inner dialogue driving you CRAZY and as a result who essentially gets punished? The guy keeping the secret he knows he doesn’t have to be keeping? Oh no, NEVER! Me, the unassuming girl who has done nothing but blindly trust you and do whatever she can to continue building a strong friendship with you, the lying boy! Grrr.
Don’t worry, the end’s not near, it’s here (Band of Horses lyric. Kudos to you if you caught that one). So here we are, present day, and let me take this time to emphasize that this boy is actually a really great guy. And no I am not saying that as some sad little girl who wants to make the world believe he is a good guy but in reality, he treats her terribly. I am saying this as a girl who made plenty of mistakes during the duration of our… whatever it was… it takes two to tango right? Did that boy make some poorly executed decisions? Sure. Did his lack of communication skills make things 10 times more difficult than they needed to be causing little things to be blown tremendously out of proportion? Definitely. But at the same time, when we met he expressed to me that he was unable to handle any sort of relationship at that point in time. So the fault doesn’t lie with either one or the other, the reality is that neither he nor I expected to enjoy each others company as much as we did, and that can be really difficult to handle, especially if you don’t feel like you’re ready for something like that.
In the whole mess of hormones and logic and feelings, ultimately it comes down to this: we are all human. We all find ourselves getting lost in things that are out of our control, but it is our responsibility to either find our way out, or consciously continue therefore no longer being lost. I do not regret a moment I spent with that boy because let me tell you, I had some of the most amazing moments with him, things I doubt I would have ever experienced had I not met him. And, despite the pain I endured, I can still honestly say that he is my best friend. He was there for me for so many mind-numbing talks and he comforted me so many times when he really didn’t have to. The guy who after knowing me a mere four months surprised me with my first trip to Comic-Con for free and accompanied me to my semi-unbearable family functions. He was suffered through endless text messages of my ramblings even when he had no idea who I was talking about. Brainstorming solutions to an insane amount of problems that continued to slam me time and time again. And while I can easily say “I never asked for this, I never asked to fall in love with him” he can say the same thing about me. He never asked for this, he never asked for me to fall in love with him. It’s not like he would ever want to lose our friendship. In a million years I know he would never want that.
Unfortunately, even with my level-headed mature reasoning, I cannot end this without admitting the embarrassing truth. That I am broken. Nothing feels the same anymore. There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed because facing a day that doesn’t involve him doesn’t even feel worth it. Call me dramatic, go ahead, I don’t care. There was a time where I could care less about dating and then something I didn’t even know I was looking for went ahead and found me. And when it did it was like this weight was just lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I could finally breathe again. I have never known what it felt like to be sure of anything in my entire life until I met him. Now even breathing hurts. Every song I hear and every movie I watch finds a way to remind me of him and it just hurts. And the worst part about all of this is that the one person I want to call who would normally make me feel like everything is going to be okay, I can’t even call. No matter how hard I want to try and make him understand how this feels I just know he will never understand. In his mind, it is just something that happened, something we didn’t mean to happen, but it happened and the only thing left to do is move on. I would literally give anything for his ability to just push things to the back of my mind and move on. But I can’t. All I can do is sit and wonder if this pain will ever go away. I have been in relationships before and obviously, I have gotten over those relationships but the reality is that every guy I have ever dated I always knew wouldn’t last. There was always some very OBVIOUS reason for why it was only temporary. This guy is different. I just wish I could somehow share this with him, without the possibility of him thinking I am just some sad little girl. I just wish he knew that he is the most important person in my life, and how meaningless and empty this life now feels without him.
Don’t people realize that they are capable of completely destroying others? Is it that your self-worth is so low that you find the possibility of affecting someone completely unfathomable?
Well, newsflash, you matter. You’re capable of hurting others. And if you’re going to assume the responsibility of making someone feel good then don’t run away when those good feelings turn bad. Remember, it takes two to tango.
xo. Kara Love

Am I Just a Fool? Blind and stupid for loving you?

I’m back everyone! I had been locked out of my blog because of some two-step verification issues but I got in contact with WordPress support and they saved my life!

Anyway sorry to come back on such a sad note with today’s blog post. Well it’s not really sad, or it doesn’t have to be, I guess it depends on how you look at it. But the song quoted above is honestly a favorite of mine right now because it is a really pretty song with piano and violins (I love the violin) and the lyrics are easy to relate to.

Now I know everyone has been in that situation where all their friends keep telling them to stop talking to the person they like. “he’s an asshole you need to just stop talking to him” or “she’s a bitch and she’s just using you!” Yeah, we’ve all heard it right? But the problem is that even if we do listen it doesn’t really stick because we are technically doing it for someone else and not making the decision on our own. So even if we know they’re right it doesn’t mean we can just do what they say.

Another problem is like, they don’t really know the person like we do, and maybe the person isn’t REALLY an asshole or a bitch. Maybe they’re actually really great, but they just live their life to different standards than others, thus making it hard to comprehend. But even so, that still qualifies as someone you probably shouldn’t invest so much time into because the outcome if never going to be what you want it to be.

In all reality, it’s not about a decision between choosing them or choosing to listen to everyone else, it’s a decision between choosing them or choosing you. And that choice is never easy nor do people frequently make the right one. But if you come to a crossroads similar to this one just remember: if you don’t love yourself how can you expect to love someone else? With that being said, is the choice really that hard?

Choose you.

Xoxo.

[Currently listening to Grand Piano by Nicki Minaj]

Hello My Old Heart…

Good evening friends and blog readers. I must say life has been so stressful lately that I find it hard to even do the thing that most relieves my stress lol. I’m trying to get better about making time to write but with the job hunt I struggle to make any time for myself really.

To make matters worse, on top of job stress, I’ve been pounded into the ground by having these “feelings” that won’t seem to go away, no matter how hard I try. I’m sure you’ve all been there right? It’s the worst. Like I could be a championship fighter and still get defeated by this situation time and time again. I used to be much more qualified at dealing with matters of the heart. And by that I mean I used to purposely not allow my heart to have any feeling at all because of the inevitable outcome of disappointment or heartbreak. Years ago I lived in such a way that I felt protected from any chance of getting hurt. I approached everything with kid gloves and never allowed anyone the opportunity to really know me or get close to me at all. At the end of the day I would leave before they even knew what hit them, “leave before you’re left” was my motto. It felt pretty solid.

Only problem there was that even though I may not have been experiencing “getting hurt”, I was most definitely hurting myself, not to mention how lonely it was. So lonely. People these days just don’t realize how vital it is to have human relationships. Everyone nowadays is just so broken beyond repair that it makes it impossible to get close to anyone. And that isn’t right, people need people and that’s a fact, no matter how badly we want to resist getting close to someone. What are we resisting anyway? Feeling cared about? Being comforted when we need it? Having support from someone who believes in us? More than half the time the reason anything ends is because shit gets too real and subconsciously we begin to resist and the other person feels it and then they start to get paranoid or worry and then the fighting happens and then the end. Not like the fairy tales we heard growing up eh? Yeah, not even close.

The point is that we all want to be close to someone but we don’t want to give up our sense of freedom and that is not what it’s about. Being with someone isn’t supposed to make u feel tied down or trapped it’s supposed to make you feel loved? What’s that he says in Breakfast at Tiffany’s? When she says “I won’t let anyone put me in a cage” and he says “I don’t want to put you in a cage I want to love you”. And then he tells her how the only one who has put her in a cage is herself and etc. which is so true. Even on Grey’s anatomy she says “boundaries don’t keep people out they fence you in” and you can try to act like you’re in control of your life by doing so but you’re not. You begin to live under the control of all the bullshit rules you put on yourself to make sure that you don’t ever let anyone care about you. Sounds like a lovely life to live. And why is it that in the act of resistance we ALWAYS sleep with someone. Why is THAT the act that liberates us from being loved? Like oh yeah I’m feeling so out of control with this whole “relationship” thing so I’m just gonna go have some random dirty empty sex because THAT will make me feel better. Man, human beings are so much more messed up in the grand scheme of things.

So at this point I’m at a cross roads of what I do next. Do I revert to my old ways of just not letting anyone get close to me? Or, since because I have already gotten this far, do I continue to be open to the idea of bein loved in hopes to find someone who may actually do it? I have to decide quickly because I’m already beginning to shut myself off to the whole idea of these annoying emotions.

“Hello my old heart, it’s been so long, since I’ve given you away. And every day, I add another stone to the wall I’ve built around you, to keep you safe.”

-The Oh Hellos-

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Hello My Old Heart by: The Oh Hellos]

Someday You Will Be Loved

Hello everyone. Sorry it has been so long since my last post, let’s just say life isn’t going exactly right these days. But that is just the way life is huh?

Today’s post was inspired by not only the amazing Deathcab for Cutie song but also by so many different life experiences I’ve had which I’m sure so many of you have had also. Sometimes no matter how badly you want something to work out with someone they just don’t feel the same way. Yeah it hurts, oh boy does it hurt, might even hurt so bad you’re unsure if you’ll ever recover. But in the end you always do.

You’ll be loved you’ll be loved, like you never have known, and your memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. Just a series of blurs like I never occurred. Someday you will be loved”

Its so so funny though because in the moment you think you’ll NEVER move on from that person and when everyone says you will you just freak out like “no I won’t don’t tell me I will get over them because I’ll never love anyone else for as long as I live!” But we all know that’s being a bit dramatic. I mean half the time we only think we love someone just to realize later how we may have liked them a lot but we definitely didn’t love them. Not to discredit or dismiss anyone’s feelings of course, it’s just that things always seem much bigger in the moment than they really are.

As for me, I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum, I have been the one hurting someone telling them they’ll move on from me and I’ve also been the one being let down easy. It all hurts just the same. It’s never fun to end things with someone even if you don’t feel the same way they do you still feel something for them. Which is something to remember when someone ends it with you, you must know that they do care and they do want you to be happy, if they didn’t they would just keep stringing you along for their own benefit.

I think it’s important to be the bigger person and end something if you don’t think you’ll be able to give them what they want. Because if you just keep things the way they are, knowing they like you more than you like them, that makes you an asshole. I know it’s hard because even if you don’t like someone more than a friend it’s comforting to have someone there for you and everyone knows regular sex isn’t the biggest downside in the world haha. But if you’re the one who doesn’t want things to move forward than unfortunately it’s your responsibility to end things.

Xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Someday You Will Be Loved by: Deathcab for Cutie]

today

I’ve been up and oh I don’t sleep enough

 

Insomnia:

i: Intelligent

n: Nightly

s: Sessions

o: Observing

m: Many

n: Necessary

i: Ideas

a: Accordingly

Yeah, that about sums it up. I don’t know how many of you out there suffer this dreadful curse but I for one have always been so curious. Like why do all the thoughts my mind could ever think of have to enter my mind all at the same time and only during the late night hours? This, I now realize, may be the reason I happen to be so curious about this issue at 1:30 in the morning.

Don’t get me wrong, some of my most brilliant ideas have sparked my brain in the late night hours, definitely more than half of these blog posts even. I guess it has never really bothered me before, besides when I happen to have someone sleeping next to me, but there are times I wish I could control it.

I like to think that those who suffer from insomnia are among some of the most brilliant. I mean that’s gotta be the case right? Part of the reason all of these thoughts race through my mind has to be a product of pure intelligence. Perhaps there is just so much knowledge stored in my head that when all is calm and quiet my brain waves find it as the best time to create chaotic travel running a million miles a minute.
Whatever the case may be, I find myself wide awake, wondering if there may be a simple way to quiet all the questions. Other than Xanax or Ambien of course.

xoxo.

[Listening to Dead Oaks by: Now, Now]

I found a friend or should I say a foe…

 

I would apologize for so much time passing since my last post, but I have been so determined to find a job (like an actual paying job lol). It is pretty difficult being unemployed.

For today I wanted to write about friendship. There are different types of friendships we encounter in our lives: best friends, acquaintances, life-long friends, and of course, toxic friends. I have found that I have made SO many friends in the 27 years I have been alive and out of all of them I hate to admit that a majority were toxic. The reason I say I hate to admit that is because no one likes to come to the realization that someone they have dedicated so much to ended up being someone who was actually using them. Unfortunately that is the reality of making friends, sometimes you are going to be in a situation where you are giving so much to someone who not only doesn’t return the same treatment, but they also take you for granted.

I remember being a kid watching the TV show Friends and I would think to myself “wow. I cannot wait to grow up so I can live in a fancy New York apartment with my friends all living close by and then one of them turning out to be my soulmate who I marry and we all still meet for coffee every day and do everything together”. Man, if only that were real, right? I am not saying it isn’t real, I mean my older brother has had the same friends since he was in elementary school and they all still manage to get together, even though most are married and some have kids. I don’t know, maybe it’s my generation that is filled with such narcissistic people, who get a real kick out of draining people emotionally.

The worst part is that it is SO hard to tell when a friend you have made is toxic. Especially someone like me who LIVES to just be there for people and give them all I have. The title of this post was inspired by a song titled “Trust Me” by The Fray. There is a verse of the song that goes:

Looking for something I’ve never seen
Alone and I’m in between
The place that I’m from and
The place that I’m in
A city I’ve never been
I found a friend or should I say foe
Said there’s a few things you should know
We don’t want you to see
We come and we go
Here today, gone tomorrow”

I think the main part of that verse that speaks to me is the line that says “we don’t want you to see we come and we go”. What I have discovered with toxic friends is that they are so skilled at deceit. They cannot allow you to know that they are not true friends because then they cannot get what they want from you. Let’s face it, most people won’t give everything they have to someone, who may just up and disappear  at any given moment. I don’t want to sit here and blame all my downfalls on toxic friendships, I know that I am solely responsible for any and all mistakes I have made, but I do think that if I hadn’t clung so hard to unhealthy friendships I might be slightly better off at this point in my life.

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
Take it from me
We don’t give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me
We don’t have honesty
The things we don’t want to speak
I’ll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still”

I think that verse is my absolute favorite out of the whole song. If I am speaking on behalf of myself I will say that it makes me feel quite vulnerable when I admit to someone that I don’t really have THAT many close friends. Especially if the person I am speaking to is someone that has a solid group of really great friends. But this verse which is basically displaying a conversation between people where one is saying that admitting their lack of friends will unveil the reality that they are more in need of the person than the other way around. And the other is manipulating them by assuring they can be trusted but no one else can. A lie that so many of us have been guilty of believing. In the end the first person realizes that there is no honesty in their relationship but easily admits that no matter how hard they will try to detach from the other, they never will.

This is because in any toxic relationship only one person can hold all the power. The dominant over the submissive. This is so unhealthy and some people don’t even have the luxury of realizing which one they are. At the end of the day we are all equals and should be treated as such, whether its a boyfriend/girlfriend, or just a friend. If you go home after spending time with a friend and you feel empty or unhappy in any way then something is wrong. The sooner you realize this and stand up for yourself the faster you can remove this toxic friend from your life and make room for healthy loving friends. Someone like me, who finds more solace in friendships than with my own family, it is very crucial that I no longer waste time allowing negative people to grab ahold of me.

We’re only taking turns, holding this world.

It’s how it’s always been, when you’re older you will understand”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Trust Me by: The Fray]

I’ve got my mouth. It’s a weapon. It’s a bombshell. It’s a cannon. I’ve got my words. I won’t give mercy

 

Hello everyone! So yeah it has been so long since I’ve written and I apologize for that. Unfortunately some personal matters came up about my blog and I took a break trying to resolve the issues. But I have decided that I love this blog and I am not doing anything on it to offend anyone so why should I stop?

For today’s post I wanted to discuss influences. People who influence us to do things during our life, like role models or even negative opinions. It takes a lot to stand up for what you truly believe in especially if you have people close to you trying to hold you back. It could be friends or lovers doing it out of jealousy or even family members who are so insistent on you being a certain way that they cannot help but try to control your every move. I am not saying I don’t appreciate people who care about me trying to do what they think is best, but at the end of the day I am who I am and I cannot change that.

They say in life you cannot truly love someone until you learn to love yourself. I find that confusing when so many try to tell me who I am and what I should be doing. How am I ever going to love who I am if so many people are telling me who to be? I get so frustrated with this situation it makes me want to scream. How is it that people who love you can disagree with what makes you, you? I didn’t choose to be this way, I can assure you that when I look at others graduating college and starting a career, it makes me wish I had done something similar. But I didn’t. I chose to live the life I have and I don’t regret it. It is just so upsetting when people who are different choose to go against it because they just don’t understand. We cannot all be the same I mean how boring would that be? Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same and no one disagrees? And more importantly is how can you be so sure that what people are telling you is the right thing to do? I don’t know about all of you but it’s hard for me to trust someone who cannot love and accept me for who I am.

I am 27 years old and I love Harry Potter. That’s right, I absolutely love it, and in my head I still like to believe that something like that exists. I love to write and paint even though it is not making me any money right now. I’m an unconventional type of girl who doesn’t live my life at the hands of a man hoping to be married with tons of babies before I’m 30. I am a free spirit and I go wherever my path leads and sometimes I don’t know where that is. But wherever I end up all I can do is figure it all out as I go along. And that is okay with me. I don’t need a plan or an agenda I just need to live. Isn’t that the point of all of this anyway? To live?

It it feels good to be back.

Xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Fighting for Nothing By Meg & Dia]

You wrecked me when you stepped out, cuz you’re the Wounded Healer, and you’re supposed to stay.

“So God Bless I hear your voice in mine, and I wanna stop time, like a carnival ride”.

Hey everyone! Sorry I know it has literally been a month since I posted anything and I feel so bad about it! Unfortunately January isn’t the easiest month for me, especially toward the end, and then comes my birthday. So much fun right?

Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick post in memory of my mom, the one year anniversary of her passing was on January 27th. I will say that it is not something that plagues me constantly. I don’t even care if that bothers some of you because it is just the way it is right now. Some days are better than worse but for the most part, I felt like I lost her a long time ago.

It is never easy losing a parent as I am sure many of you have dealt with similar situations. I think the hardest thing I have had to come to terms with is the fact that I am so much like her. So often I find myself dwelling on the fact that when it comes to my family, the only person who I ever had a chance in understanding me, is now gone.

Even though she wasn’t an active part of my life for the last 15+ years, it was still a comfort knowing she was out there, and could become part of my life at some point. Now that comfort is gone and I have had to just accept that. My only hope is to one day start a family of my own and do all the things that she was unable to do for me.

I will end this post now, I survived the first year as best I could, it only gets easier from this point on… Right?

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Wounded Healer by Watsky]

Happy New Year… 2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 9,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

If I saved you from drowning, promise me you’ll never go away.

Well… It sure has been a WHILE. I think the last post I did was before Halloween? And it is already almost Christmas!!! I honestly had this post all ready to go in my mind, but finding the time to sit down and type it out for all of you became difficult, it has been a very busy two months.

I have been thinking a lot lately, about people, and about myself. Mainly the connection between other people and myself. How often I find myself going above and beyond for so many yet finding the same actions are not frequently done in return. I am sure there are many of you out there who feel this way and I know that sometimes it appears almost narcissistic to speak about it. Like “Wow, I literally do EVERYTHING for everyone else and no one ever does anything for me!” haha. But that is not what I am saying. I know plenty of people who ARE there for me and do things for me and I am very appreciative of those people in my life. What I am speaking on is those who constantly take take take until I am pretty much left with nothing more to give and when that time comes those people disappear. They aren’t even honest about it either, I mean AT LEAST admit that you’re only around because you need something, the covert act of pretending to have different ulterior motives is so frustrating. I would much rather someone say “Listen, I am calling you because I need a ride and I am drunk, I know I didn’t invite you out with me tonight but if you pick me up we can go do something else together!” instead of “Hey! I love you! I am DYING to hangout with you!!! I don’t have a ride but if you come here we can go out and have a great time”. Chances are that I will still come get you I just won’t be pissed off when after that night we don’t see each other for another 2-3 months.

I know what most of you are thinking, why even bother with people like that, if in the end none of them are doing the same for me. But you see, I am not the kind of person who does things for others so that I have leverage over them or will receive something in return. I do it because I honestly LOVE helping others. The fact that in the end they are better off than they were before and I was there being a part of that. It isn’t because I have this inner desire to be needed or wanted, even though most people would say that is the reason, that is not always the case. Mainly it is because when I look back on my life and recall all of the times in my life, when all I needed was for someone to BE THERE, even just to listen or talk to me… I remember how I couldn’t get even ONE person on the phone. In these moments where I am thinking about those times, I remember how completely alone I felt, and the thought of someone else experiencing the same thing just makes my heart hurt. It really does. If I could I would make it so NO ONE in the world ever felt that way. That is just who I am.

However, as stated in the RM Drake quote above, it is very ironic that this makes me feel that way. Mainly because thinking over the same moments, the times I felt alone were because of all the people who weren’t there for me, the same people that I had been there for time and time again. When I think about it like that I feel as though I am just being so stupid constantly giving everyone the opportunity to walk all over me. I have some friends who tell me that I need to stop allowing it to happen. Stop hanging out with the same people and stop permitting them to take advantage of my kindness. People say it has been doing it so long that I don’t even realize it happening half the time…

So how do you find the middle? To still be there for people but also being treated with the same respect. Most of the time these “friends” of mine make me feel utterly disposable and that feeling is definitely not the best. Why can’t people just be good to one another all of the time? And if you just need one thing and you don’t prefer to offer anything in return (not even friendship) then just be up-front about it! Even when it comes to guys and girls and relationships: if you just want to hook up and aren’t trying to get caught up in anything serious right now, then say that! You have no idea how many people are in the same position as you and probably want the same thing but they are acting a certain way because they think that is what you want! It is all messy and confusing and annoying, trust me I know.

I am someone who just loves so much. My heart is full of love that I have for the entire world and I want nothing more but to help everyone that I can, and it hurts, it just hurts me down to my core. I have so much faith and hope in humanity despite the fact that most people think I am crazy for thinking anyone or anything will change. But I have changed, I know it and people tell me it, so why can’t anyone else?

I know it seems crazy. I know it is hard to understand why someone would be so willing to do whatever it takes for the ones who barely even recognize what is being done for them. But one thing I do know is that there is always a chance, just a glimpse of hope, that in doing what I do I may inspire others to do the same. And if everyone started to be there for everyone else the possibilities are endless.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to My Number By: Tegan & Sara

Could it be I’m your mirror, showing you everything you have never wanted to face.

For those of you who have been wondering, and for those who haven’t, I have not given up on finding my lost Katerina yet. I can just picture her coming back home with crazy stories about her days on the streets running in the Kitten-Gang lol

For tonight’s post there are a few different things I would like to address. Each of them, although kinda different, are also in relation to one another. In the very least they fall into a similar theme so it really all works out haha. Now even though this post is going to be from a personal point of view, I am going to have to make it clear that in no way am I ever REALLY offended or affected by people’s comments or judgments of me and the way I choose to live my life. Maybe the Kara from like 3 years ago (for sure that girl) but definitely not this one.

So, back to the story of my kitten who (as mentioned above) has been missing for about a week or so, she means the world to me, and I am absolutely devastated with her gone. From that I would like to clearly state that I am a single woman in my mid-twenties.

Wait. You are a girl who likes cats, actually owns a cat, AND you’re single?! So you are going to be alone forever then just get more cats to fill that empty void until you become a crazy cat lady. I mean you should PROBABLY just get a dog”.

Seriously? That is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves, like, OF ALL TIME. I mean really? THAT is actually considered logic when it comes to a single female owning a cat? Honestly how IGNORANT can people really be! Have you ever stopped to think that maybe we like cats because:

  1. They’re cute and small
  2. They’re independent without requiring lots of care
  3. Not too needy so we can still go out with our friends and not worry about walking them and stuff (we are SINGLE duh)

I just think it is so crazy to assume all of these negative stereotypes when it comes to an individual’s personal preferences in living situations and/or pets. Considering the fact that I live in a studio AND I work full time. Not only do I think it would be unfair to have a puppy cooped up in there while I work all day but I just don’t have the time or energy to be needed so damn much when I get off work. So what is with this stigma attached to cats?? Just because I own (and enjoy the company) of kittens that automatically means I am sad and alone? And if that is the case then why is a single girl living alone with only her dog not just as sad? Like, yeah I took tons of pictures of Kat, she is a beautiful kitten and super cute and small so I loved taking pics of her and people constantly called me a cat lady who was gonna be “one of those women old and alone with a million cats”. I get that it is just a figure of speech/ joke but like, WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE WOMEN GIVING YOU THE PROOF TO MAKE THIS STEREOTYPE (and I don’t mean on a TV show I mean in real life). The effed up thing is that I have never heard of someone having a problem with a girl taking a million dog pictures. I am sorry I see WAY more dog Instagram profiles than cats and the dogs are always dressed up in ridiculous outfits with dyed hair and bows and stuff. So let’s be honest, who is REALLY the crazy obsessed pet owner hmmm? Now I am not saying I do not like dogs because I definitely do (like my siblings and friends dogs) but personally I enjoy a pet who isn’t going to lick me all the time with gross saliva everywhere and UGH the freaking barking, like stop already, we ALL hear you okay? You want the ball… we get it.

So people don’t find the whole “barking incessantly for the ball” thing annoying but they complain that:

Cats are assholes. They never want to hangout with you unless THEY feel like it. They won’t let you train them, they basically do whatever they want to do no matter what the owner tries to do/say…”

Okay so let me make sure I am hearing this right: what you’re saying is, that you hate an animal that has a mind of its own, who isn’t in a constant state of demanding your attention and love, BUT they still love you and care to show you affection when they feel it is necessary? Yeah that sounds terrible…. Like I said before I don’t dislike dogs, you are not going to hear me call a dog an asshole, but the constant need for attention and playing and walking… Even typing it out is exhausting me lol. I am 26 years old, I am still barely managing the whole “taking care of myself” routine, I would like to limit the responsibility as much as possible. Kittens are also really cute so its not a real losing situation in the long run. Truth is, if I wanted to go straight from working all day to being ambushed by something with an overwhelming desire/need for my attention and affection, then kept me from doing things for myself because when I tried to I would just hear whining, see puppy dog eyes and feel guilty… I would just go out and get a boyfriend LOL.

Moving on to another topic but sort of in the same retrospect of my personal life choices and relationship status haha… These questions from guys have got to be the very BEST I have ever received:

You live alone? That is so sad. You don’t get lonely?”

Yeah I live alone, no I don’t get lonely, I am not some sad old spinster who sits in my house all day and night wishing I had someone to talk to. I’m 26 and I am a big girl lol. Like I’m sorry but life isn’t like the show Friends (or for you more modern folks How I Met Your Mother) and not everyone has like this solid group of friends that they grew up with and live with and have coffee with instead of working all day…. (Trust me I was just as disappointed as you when I got that terrible wake up call from reality. Thanks a lot Monica and Rachel). Anyway, I used to have roommates and uhm yeah I am actually happy to NEVER go through that again. When I rented rooms with strangers they were always just like awkward forced hangout type deals, like because you live together they think they’re automatically you’re new friend (no I don’t want to hear about your stupid day during my show UGH), then living with friends sucked because someone doesn’t clean or pay bills or ditches out and BAM! Frienship ruined. Don’t EVEN get me started on living with boyfriends… That’s like probably the worst living situation ever lol. So I’ve done it all EXCEPT live alone, until now, because I was scared. Yep, I was all co-dependent and reliant on others to feel safe and happy, yuck! I’m sure it’s not that hard to believe from reading my other posts that I was a totally different girl back then, it’s unfortunately the “norm” to be like super co-dependent and it is so hard to break that habit, but what did it for me was just getting a place to force the change upon myself. And now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Why don’t you date? That is ridiculous. Let me take you out.”

Okay why aren’t I dating? See I never enjoy answering this question because it’s like any subtle answer I give is never good enough. Guys just continue to push and push thinking that eventually I will like give in and agree to go on this “date” with them. This tactic may work on some girls, you know the girls who actually give their number out even if they really don’t want to, those girls that are just TOO nice to say no because they may hurt your feelings. I, on the other hand, am NOT one of those girls. Does that mean I’m not nice? OF COURSE NOT. I’m actually quite pleasant to be around, I am just a realist, and will be straight-forward with you. I would want the same done in return because no one likes games (unless they’re board games right?). If I want you to have my number you will get it and if not then you won’t, no fake number BS, I don’t believe in giving false hope nor do I have the energy to make one up. So you ask why I don’t date and regardless of what I say you find SOME way to argue why every reason is actually why I SHOULD be dating, until I finally just have to give it to you in the longest most drawn out explanation, and guys you just never like what I have to say….

Dating to me is pointless unless you are in a position that allows you to look at the one you’re with and potentially see someone you could spend your life with. You may not even be close to ready for that kind of commitment, hell I’m not even sure I fully believe in marriage anymore, but to me I don’t see any point to dating someone except for trial and error in search of the guy I spend my life with. I may be a realist and my outlook on relationships may seem cynical but I do believe in soulmates and the only reason I have to go on a date is if I have a gut feeling that he may be it. Sounds crazy but I am intuitive like that and it might not be love at first sight but you can still sense if the time is something worth sparing for them.

Dating is just so awkward and I KNOW you agree. Like, he picks you up and then you’re sitting in the car on the drive, WTF do you even talk about?! How bad everyone else’s driving is? Yep that sounds pretty good. Then how bout more awkward silence and watching each other chew through dinner? Yummy. Oh and how about the questions, like seriously there is not one question on the list of Dating FAQs that I can answer without making the person so unbelievably uncomfortable lol.

  • Childhood- Total wreck masked by happy memories I barely remember since I’m the baby
  • Teen Years- Started out BORING lead to ridiculous years of sex and drugs. (TMI? I tend to do that a lot).
  • Exes only 2 but 1 was abusive/totally messed up my head (still slight PTSD from it… is that awkward?)
  • Siblings-1 Sister who is nothing like me and I am pretty sure hates me more than half the time. 2 brothers who are pretty rad but the age gap is pretty big (ya I am the youngest and now you think I am entitled/spoiled). Oh then I have 1 Step-Sister and 2 Step-Brothers, yet I am STILL the youngest.
  • Parents- This one will be fun. Mom would have been the best out of all of them but she could never get her act together long enough to have a relationship with us (everyone says alcoholic but mainly she just had mental issues x 1000). This resulted with us being raised by an emotionally unavailable Father who’s LIFE is his career (but hey he is a damn good lawyer). He married a woman who pretty much hated us and made our lives hell thus adding on to our already budding intimacy/commitment issues as well as taking away most of my faith in family/marriage/love.
  • My Birthday? February 1st 1988. A day I once celebrated to myself then became shared with my Step-Mom (loving it) and is now also just 5 days after the anniversary of my mom’s death. Did I mention she passed this year? Oh well must have slipped my mind, but yeah about 5 days before my Birthday, it was a “do it yourself ordeal” (TMI again, see I told you, also I tend to be a bit casual with morbidity).
  • Education/Career- Well I am still figuring things out at the beautiful age of 26 (if you get excited by the thought of taking care of someone stop right there because whether I have a career or not NO ONE takes care of me, but me).
  • Above EVERYTHING else I absolutely positively LOVE HARRY POTTER (it is seriously a huge part of my life, with other nerdy obsessions following close behind). You don’t have to like it now but you will like it after we binge watch the movies, and I am a movie fanatic so I hope you enjoy Netflix!

I mean, if that date doesn’t end with an engagement ring, then I don’t even know what this world is coming to! LOL. Okay maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, I mean I know everyone has their issues, but the difference is that most people kinda hold back until its like safe zone space to unleash the skeletons one by one. I just can’t do it. I am an open book (as you can see from this post as well as all my others) I don’t like to go into something that may end later because of something that they could have known the first night they met me and saved me 2 months of awkward dating haha. I don’t know what it is but I just don’t do well with the whole dating thing, both of my exes were my friends first and we started sleeping together and it was easy and care-free and comfortable, then the relationship just happened because uhm it’s basically what we were doing. Obviously I do not want to digress I want the normal dating experience but UGH it is just so awkies. <— [Ja’mie reference, if you don’t watch it, check it out on HBO GO].

Sex is pleasant of course but you don’t have to be dating to have sex you just need to be safe and honest. So in the end, will I let you take me out? Probably not. I’m not going to say yes to you just to make you feel better (I stopped putting others feelings before my own a long time ago… well I made some progress I mean lol). Oh and realistically there is a very good chance you just want to sleep with me anyway. Not speaking to all guys, obviously I believe chivalry still exists somewhere, #AugustusWaters. But if you are just asking me out because that is what is “supposed” to be done then that takes me to the final question (by the way you can assume this question is being asked via text message because it is ALWAYS via text message:

I think we should definitely have sex, we are obviously both in the same situation, and we clearly want the same things. Wanna come over [at 2am]?”

NO. I DO NOT WANT TO DRIVE OVER AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU. Just because we are both single DOES NOT mean we have something in common! I wonder sometimes how often that shit ACTUALLY works on girls! I don’t care how stressed or tense or mad or whatever else you think I am that sex will release lol but I will give you a little tip: if you want something from a girl… You need to break out of that mold you have formed from all the little skank girls you’ve slept with who require no effort but showing a minuscule amount of attention. In regard to my past sexual experiences you can be sure that I am not afraid to have sex, the fact is that I have gotten to the point where I know what is good and what isn’t, and I know what I want and what I don’t. I am not going to waste my time and stay up super late in the off chance it may be super disappointing for me. I am not dying for it that badly that I will risk a few extra hours of sleep or actually ANYTHING else for the small possibility of a good time. Everyone knows sex is better when you know the person (yes and when you care about them of course) but knowing them and having a friendship works well too. So booty calls really do nothing for me since you don’t know my body and you have no idea what I am into or anything like that. And sure I don’t know you that well either but I can guarantee you aren’t magic and you cannot just figure me out first attempt and blow my mind. Obviously I cannot speak on that with confidence because there is a chance that there are guys out there with that skill, HOWEVER, if you text me at 2AM I am going to have to assume you are not that guy. Listen boys, you want to treat a girl like a skank then go have mediocre evenings with those girls, not that they are mediocre but we just don’t put in the effort when we are treated like garbage (treat us like that and you don’t deserve our skills).

Treat her with class and dignity and you may just get the chance to sleep with a lady. Trust me the difference is eminent.

Xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Undertow by Warpaint

On the next Intervention: “Help! I think my kitten has joined a Street Gang”

Hello everyone! Today’s post is on a pretty serious subject that I think the world really needs to be informed about: Kitten Gangs.

No, your eyes do not deceive you, nor did my auto correct complete that sentence. Kitten Gangs are very real and growing more common by the SECOND! The most dangerous part about it is that you would never expect their crimes because they are so damn cute! So, now I must move on and tell you, that I fear my kitten has joined a street gang.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I really don’t want to lose her completely but I am so afraid that one of these days she is going to stroll in with blood on her paws. Or maybe I will come home to my electronics having been stolen. Who knows how far she will go once she is in too deep! What is next? What if she turns to using drugs! Cat Nip these days could be laced with Lord knows what! I guess in order for you all to understand I should start at the beginning…

I first noticed the signs right after I began taking Katerina (my kitten) outside. I would have her on a leash in hopes to familiarize her with the neighborhood and etc. but despite how many cats i have seen out being walked by their owners Kat refused to be walked. She just wanted to be able to explore with freedom and I mean I can’t just lock in an adventurous spirit!! So I let her off the leash and ever since then she got the WORST attitude I mean talk about teen angst!  Any time she was inside the house the begging was constant “Mew! Mew! Meeewww!” and there is only so much one can bear. When I would open the door she would dart by me and run out, refusing to return until the early morning hours, sometimes even 3am or later!

One day I let her out and left my slider open while I cleaned up my place, it was a Saturday so I was home, I was hoping she could burn out some energy in an attempt to plan on sleeping in Sunday, plus I could keep on eye on her. All of a sudden I go to the door to listen for her and hear absolutely nothing (which worried me) so I walked out to investigate when I heard it. My Kat was fighting with another cat! I mean she was really holding her own for how small she is and how big the cat was but I was just appalled by this behavior! I yelled at her and got her inside while she hissed at me and was just acting completely wild. Lets just say she was grounded after that.

Next she began her routine of ruining my sleep habits. At night time when I would get into bed THAT is when she decided to be wild and run around my place knocking things over. In the early morning hours of my WEEKEND the incessant meowing and walking all over me until I woke up beame a frequent occurrence. So we agreed that I will let her out in the morning as long as she came back when it got dark. A few nights ago I got home and went over to where she usually explores to call her inside. I heard her meowing and then she hopped up on the wall connecting my backyard with my neighbors (behind our house). She meowed at me and I told her to come inside, then she looked down behind the wall and meowed, all of a sudden the same cat she fought with hopped up next to her… Kat looks at me and does this cute little “mew” basically expecting me to let this cat to sleep over. I mean what a little sneak right? Of course I said no and did not hear the end of that the rest of the night.

What worries me is that I am thinking that cat fight may have been the process of her “getting jumped in” to a Kitten Street Gang. Once I came to that conclusion all of these horrible things ran through my mind: what if all these late nights are the result of the initiation process, maybe she has tasks to complete to prove her loyalty, I mean who knows! I really don’t want her to fall any deeper into this lifestyle, she has such a bright future ahead of her, she is not even a year old yet! Only just turned 7 months old on the 9th!

One last thing is, and this is the worst of all, the cat they call Zorro, I received a text one day from an unknown number asking me how Zorro was. I was very confused and responded saying they had the wrong number, to which the replied “don’t you have that cat Zorro now?”, uhmm no I have never heard of this ‘Zorro’ character… No communication after that. Could this cat known by “Zorro” possibly be the leader of this gang? Maybe word has spread about Kat and that is what inspired the random text? I know I sound paranoid but I am just at the end of my rope here.

Please help free my kitten from the hold this darkness has on her! I cannot do this alone and fear this is my last hope! I just want my little Katerina back!

xoxo.

[Episode Premieres Wednesday 10/15 at 9pm only on A&P/AnimalPlanet]

The Potential You’ll Be, That You’ll Never See, The Promises You’ll Only Make…

Hello Thursday! It has been so long since I have written anything, still getting back into the swing of things since my vacation, so hopefully I can get right back into it.

Today I decided to write about a song that has become my personal favorite recently. I literally cannot stop listening to it on repeat because it is just so good and has such a powerful message to me. The song is by Elliot Smith called Between the Bars (if you haven’t heard it I recommend you go listen like ASAP). When I first heard it in the movie Stuck in Love with Logan Lerman I of course associated it with being a love song, I mean the scene in the movie was in regard to a romantic relationship, and the movie was obviously all about love haha.

Anyway, the more I listened, the more I heard an entirely different song. At first I was thinking a guy was singing to a girl promising to make her feel better. Then I realized the point of view of the lyrics are not from a boy but from a bottle of alcohol (or any substance for that matter). Once I came up with that interpretation the song really began to resonate with me. With lyrics like:

“People you’ve been before that you don’t want around anymore”

  just reminds me of my days of using when even the thought of who I had been before the drug use would just upset me so much. I didn’t want to be that person anymore, because of the person I had become, so I tried to forget the old me. In a way I could feel the more I got high the more I was slipping away from myself, and anytime I was reminded of who I was, the drugs would just call out to me. The thought of being sober and confronting my real issues scared me and I just wanted out. Honestly at that point I didn’t think I could go back even if I wanted to.

“Drink up one more time, and I’ll make you mine, keep you apart here in my heart. Separate from the rest where I like you the best”.

 Again this song in particular is about alcohol but really anyone could listen and think of any substance they’ve ever relinquished control to. The words are so perfect, I mean any substance prefers you to be isolated, those lyrics depict that beautifully. I remember how often I sat and thought about everything I could have been but of course could never get there. I was just making empty promises to myself and only the drugs knew that.

“Where I’m seeing you there
With your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught”

Anyone can tell you that when you are in the grip of an addiction that is the only comfort you seem to find anywhere. It isn’t that no one is there for you, sometimes you have PLENTY of people trying to help you, but no one understands you. The only thing that truly gets you and is there for you when you need it is the thing that is causing you the most harm. Of course you will never figure that out until you are completely done with giving in to that temptation of empty promises.

I am a huge fan of Elliot Smith and I do know he struggled with alcoholism for a long time which is why it makes perfect sense for the song to be about that. But I am a girl and we really love to jump to the conclusion that most songs are love songs with some guy promising us the world. At the same time though, even after making this connection to the song, it is still a love song. I am sure I am not the only person to say that you don’t just DO things you are addicted to. You have a relationship with them. You are committed to them and only them. NOTHING else matters not even your own well being. That being said, technically this song still is a love song, isn’t it?

It feels good to be back in LA and be writing again. The only thing that could make it better are your responses/requests/questions so let me have it!

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Between the Bars by Elliot Smith]

“To be or not to be?” Now, that is the question, isn’t it?

Hello all of my beautiful blog readers!!! It is Tuesday which means I am in Oregon and it is storming right now!!!  So I am stuck inside but at least it gives me time to write a post! Obviously I have been on a serious 90’s kick lately (well when am I not on a 90’s kick honestly) but I decided to switch it up a bit and turn the focus to one of my other passions which is film. I, like most of you, absolutely LOVE filling my free time with watching movies. My question for you is how many of you knew that some of the movies you were watching were ACTUALLY modern renditions of Shakespeare plays? I am sure if you were Shakespeare fans like me then you caught on pretty quick (or if maybe the movie shared the same title lol) but there are a lot of people who paid NO attention during English class and really had NO IDEA. This sparked my interest and brought about today’s post.

Let’s start with my absolute FAVORITE modern day Shakespeare movie adaptations:

r&j2Everyone should know this movie. If you don’t then you need to stop reading this and go rent it. RIGHT NOW. I’m serious. Anyway while those of you who have clearly been living under a ROCK are out doing that lol the ones who have seen it can continue reading. Why is this one of the greatest film adaptations of all time? Where do I even begin… For starters Baz Luhrmann is the director and his resume speaks for himself. If you don’t know who Baz Luhrmann is *shakes head*then I am happy you are at least reading this post because he is brilliant and you should really check out his work.  He is most notable for what is called “Red Curtain Cinema” which is seen in Romeo and Juliet, Moulin Rouge, and Strictly Ballroom; all three films open with a Red Curtain (similar to if you were at the theater) and allow the audience to understand how the movie will end from the opening sequence. They are made up of the same plot: unlikely couples who fall madly in love, and although all three are completely different movies, they are known as “The Red Curtain Trilogy”.

romeojuliet

What makes Romeo and Juliet so magnificent is that while it is a modernization of Shakespeare’s play it still retains the original Shakespearean dialogue. And while you think that might seem so weird, considering everything else appears to be in that current 90’s time except the way they are speaking, it actually isn’t weird at all. I barely even noticed it and thought it would be weird done any other way. The changes made from the original play to the modern film were done so beautifully because they all still went together as if it were the same.

For example: The rival families in the movie were simply just two warring business empires, one run by Montague, the other run by Capulet. This helped bring about understanding to what the families were feuding over (since back in Shakespearean time those feuds were over things we just wouldn’t fight over now).romeo2

Also, they couldn’t very well have a sword fight in the middle of a beach and have it make sense, but the guns that took their place were labeled “Dagger” and “Sword”. The fierce competition between the companies was obviously spread down to the younger relatives within each family (just like in the play) only the younger boys are depicted almost as if they are in Gangs.capuletmontague

Another modern aspect of the film was of course when Mercutio has invitations to sneak the Montague Boys into the Capulet party and he gives Romeo Ecstasy. Luckily it was a costume party of course and also holds one of my all time favorite movie scenes: The Fish Tank.

romeo

That is where they fall in love at first sight and shortly after discover, how do they put it, “My only love sprung from my only hate”. I am sure you all know the rest even though this movie does a really beautiful twist on the whole thing. From the costume and set design to the casting (I mean Paul Rudd and Jamie Kennedy? So great) to the soundtrack which includes Garbage, The Cardigans, and Radiohead who Baz Luhrmann actually requested to write a song for the film. The band was sent the last 30 minutes and Tom Yorke said “When we saw Claire Daines hold the Colt 45 against her head, we started working on the song immediately”. The title is “Exit Music (For a Film)” and although it wasn’t released on the movie soundtrack (at the bands request) it was later released on Radiohead’s album: “OK Computer”.

Okay moving on to the next (I promise the others won’t be as long):

10things

EVERYONE who is ANYONE knows this movie. It was the first movie we all remember seeing that beautiful Australian actor for the first time. Heath Ledger. Add to the mix the little Joseph Gordon Levitt! Yeah you all know him but he is not so little anymore!!! Julia Stiles was the star girl (which you will see how many much she loved doing these Shakespeare remakes) and Andrew Keeegan if you can remember him at all.

In case you all watched this movie a million times with no idea that is was an adaptation of a Shakespeare play I will help you out right now. Remember reading The Taming of the Shrew? Well, this lovely film was the modern version of that, only minus the Shakespearean dialect and plus tons of teen angst. They’re all in high school, there is one sister who can’t date until the other (Stiles) does, so the popular guy (Keegan) pays the outcast guy (Ledger) to take her out. The plan backfires and Ledger falls for Stiles and Joseph Gordon Levitt gets the other sister. YAY! Of course no one can forget the memorable 10 Things I Hate About You poem at the end *tear*.

Let’s see what else do we have….

hamlet

Oh yeah! Remember Hamlet? I would hope you do considering that is where I got the title of this post from and it is probably the most well known line from Shakespeare EVER! Okay so here is another great film because similar to Romeo & Juliet, it is set in modern times, but holds true to the Shakespearean dialect. Hamlet is played by Ethan Hawke and Ophelia is played by Julia Stiles (yep there she is again). Hamlet is a film student in New York and his Uncle takes over as CEO of the “Denmark Corporation” by killing their father. Bill Murray and Casey Affleck also make appearances in the film and subtle things are replaced with modernization (ie. instead of carrying actual flowers Ophelia carries around Polaroids of flowers because she is an amateur photographer).

As I said before about Julia Stiles loving these movies….

o3

Here she is again in the modern day version of Othello. Mekhi Phifer plays Odin James (Othello), or OJ, and is star of the basketball team. Stiles plays Desi (Desdemona) the dean’s daughter and Odin’s girlfriend. Hugo (Iago) is the coach’s steroid-addicted son, played by Josh Hartnett, who plants seeds of doubt in OJ’s mind that leads them all to a violent fate. Roderigo is Roger who has a crush on Desi and easily manipulated by Hugo. Andrew Keegan, another Shakespeare fan apparently, is in this film also as Michael Cassio (Cassio) just another basketball player and friend.

o2

 

This movie is pretty messed up with the plot of convincing Desi’s dad that Odin raped her and slowly taking everyone else down with him so that he can finally have his “day in the spotlight” as he puts it in the voice over in the end. Not a bad movie if I do say so myself, although I am a fan of the original story, Othello is a difficult one to top. It was also intended for release around the time of Columbine so had to be delayed for two years.

 

These last two I am going to do all together and pretty quickly because in my opinion they aren’t really worth talking too much about haha.

Shes-The-Man-Twelfth-NightWe will start with She’s the Man which was inspired by The Twelfth Night. It stars Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum and centers around the plot of Viola entering her brothers school in his place but falling for Tatum in the process. Viola gets cut from the girls soccer team and the sexist coach will not allow her to play with the boys so she poses as her brother who is in London and not returning to school. Later on she comes clean and is allowed to stay on the team. Yay.

Lastly we have Get Over It loosely based off of A Midsummer Nights Dream Kirsten Dunst plays Kelly (Helena), Mila Kunis, and Shane West plays Striker (Demetrius). Other actors include Ben Foster, Sisqo (I know it’s hilarious), Mila Kunis, Zoe Saldana, and Martin Short. get over it

Thus concludes my post on the modern film adaptations of Shakespeare’s most famous works. I definitely recommend Romeo & Juliet if you haven’t seen it yet. Hamlet and O are on my list of recommendations as well! I think it is safe to say you have all seen 10 Things I Hate About You and as for the others… That brings us back to my title. Obviously it is from Hamlet… But my question is: Do you think that some of these film makers should have butchered Shakespeare by making some of these awful films? I didn’t even include the Disney Channel original movie Motocrossed (another adaptation of The Twelfth Night). So let me know what you think, which movies were done well and respectfully to Shakespeare and which movies, in your opinion, were not.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Talkshow Host by Radiohead]