If I were a Boy…

[Lyrics credit: If I Were a Boy by Beyoncé]
Good morning my faithful followers! Let me start out by APOLOGIZING for my temporary hiatus. I am not proud to admit that I got caught up in something that distracted me from my focus on myself. YES, I admit it, I FELL FOR A BOY! Despite my better judgment in all the blog posts I have written WARNING all you ladies from getting deterred from your personal focus I foolishly allowed myself to do EVERYTHING I have encouraged you all NOT to do. I should start following my own advice…..
*WARNING* Long post ahead! Gotta make up for lost time right?
It all started last year, on Valentines Day (the horrible Hallmark holiday that I don’t even believe in) I was perfectly fine staying home alone like I do EVERY Valentines Day, but the Universe had other plans for me. The short version, I met a boy. Not just any boy though, oh no, on this night I met THE boy. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I have possibly known he was THE boy after just one chance encounter? Well, that’s easy: I just knew. He was the first boy I had ever met who had shared SO many of the same interests as me (including all the geeky stuff most people tell me NOT to share with anyone I am trying to date). I’m talking about nerdy decals on both of our cars, nerdy inspired tattoos, overwhelming knowledge of films that the vast majority knows nothing about, the whole nine yards.
Okay so let’s get to the good stuff right? So we exchanged Instagram information and I decided to get in touch with him later in the week.
Yeah…
I messaged him first, this is 2016 after all, and what can I say? He intrigued me. We exchanged some witty banter, very sarcastic and hilarious, and then he asked me out. I have to put this in quotes so you can all see what I saw:

Boy: Do you like horror films?
Girl: Yes! I love them!
Boy: Well, there is this theater that I love going to, they do this thing called Friday Night Frights, and this friday they’re doing Tales from the Dark Side…
Girl: Oh! that’s awesome!
Boy: So would you like to… hehe… go with me? :)”

Yep. Just like that. So simple. So adorable. I should have known right there that I was doomed. But this is ME we are talking about. I wanted nothing SERIOUS from this boy. And to be quite honest, I had previously been told some things about this boy which should have been enough to conclude that he was not someone to get involved with! But, me being me, I gave the benefit of the doubt. I mean, the information I had received DID come from his ex-girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned right? Maybe I should make my own judgments instead of basing them on an ex-girlfriend’s opinions right? So, I said yes, and I went on this “date” keeping my guard up with no intention of letting this boy in because I had NO desire to get mixed up with this boy! And I even told him this! I told him I was not looking for a boyfriend, that I did not want him to get any ideas of me being one of those girls who says one thing but does another, secretly planning to trap him in some awful “relationship” scenario. I was trying to hold my independent, free-spirited ground.
Fast forward (please) over the next few weeks of spending a good amount of time together, usually brought about by the boy because I wanted nothing to do with any couple-like behavior! Allow me to now bring the focus to a certain conversation between this boy and myself where he said, and I quote:
Boy: You’re so closed off. Like you have these walls up and I never know what  you’re thinking from one moment to the next.
Girl: Well this is due to my past. I have had some struggles that have left some scars and while I wear them proudly without regret I have learned to be wary of who I open up. Not that I look at everyone the same but in my experience every time I have let down my guard for someone it has resulted in me being hurt.
Boy: Well I want you to open up to me.
[girl lets out a quiet giggle]
Boy: I‘m serious! I know you have been let down in the past but I want you to know that you can come to me for anything. I want to be someone you can count on to always be there for you no matter what.”
No, this is not an exaggeration, he actually said that. This boy actually made me feel BAD for being so closed off, for keeping him at an arm’s length and he assured me that he would not hurt me like so many had before. Oh silly, naive Kara, actually falling for some stereotypical boy talk! Tell me ladies, how many of you have been told something similar by a boy, only to discover him pulling a disappearing act as soon as you begin to open up! But I dunno, I trusted the things he said, I really wanted to believe he meant it. So, this strong independent girl and her sturdy wall (constructed entirely from the sweet talk and empty promises fed to her from all the ghosts of bad boys past) went ahead and hired an entire demolition team specifically trained in the art of tearing down metaphorically built walls. And now you are probably wondering what was discovered in the rubble after this great wall of protection came down… I’m glad you asked!
One word: Vulnerability. Ah yes, just what every girl just wants, to be vulnerable with a boy. [she said with a heavily implied sarcastic undertone]
Okay, this story is looking more like a novel as each paragraph goes on. Let me try to wrap this up.
So, I generously opened up and bestowed my trust in this boy, a boy I put no pressure or demands on other than one simple request that we just remain honest with one another. Like, “Hey we aren’t in a relationship, you’re not my boyfriend, you’re free to do whatever you want and all I ask is for you to please not keep secrets from me. Seeing as we are both adults, participating in an adult relationship of some kind, I think it is only fair to share with one another if we choose to take part in adult activities with anyone else. I mean out of respect to the other person (especially for health reasons)”. I really didn’t think this was an unreasonable request. Some people might even say that it was very open-minded and totally cool of me. Not this boy. Nope! This boy found the request to be asking SO much of him! How dare I ask such a thing. I mean, sure there are girls who demand a ring after sharing the amount of time we had spent together, but not this girl. No way. This girl merely asks the boy to show her a tiny bit of respect.
Do boys understand that not ALL girls do this as a manipulation tactic to gain ammunition for a fight? Some girls actually just prefer to maintain their independence by being entitled to having a choice. Those little details will spare the girl of the potential hurt that usually results from being misled and ultimately finding out (trust me we always find out). I mean, excuse me for wanting to hold onto even an OUNCE of dignity and control over my life, forgive me for expressing to a boy that he is free to do as he pleases while only asking him to AT LEAST allow me the power to CHOOSE whether or not I want things to continue if such situation were to arise. His defense? Oh you are going to LOVE this:

Boy: Well you never asked me if I was okay with those terms.
Girl: You mean the terms of me saying you can do whatever you want but please be honest with me if you sleep with someone else? Those terms?
Boy: Yeah, well, sorry but you’re obviously more than just a “friends with benefits” to me and being honest with you about that made me uncomfortable.
Girl: If I mean more to you than a “friends with benefits” than why are you treating me like I’m less than that?
Boy: ……”

Remember earlier when I said the thing about me giving the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. Add that to the whole “vulnerable” thing and I’m sure you can all guess that there was no moment where a little imaginary light bulb turned on reminding me that I know better than to believe things could ever be different. No, sadly this previously strong independent girl went ahead and did the most idiotic thing possible…. she fell for the guy! *dramatically smacks self on the forehead*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

Yeah, you guessed it, it happened again! Let me help you out guys, just in case any of you decide to use this tactic to exhibit some sort of  “rebellion” or in an attempt to prove yourself that you’re a MAN and your business is yours alone. When you do something that you know is wrong and you keep it to yourself, you feel guilty (duh we learn that in like Kindergarten). Of course, in this case, it’s just so silly because technically he was entitled to do whatever he wanted. But the whole “secret keeping” was wrong because he knew all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. Anyway, the guilty feelings just sit in your subconscious eating away at you creating a rather annoying inner dialogue driving you CRAZY and as a result who essentially gets punished? The guy keeping the secret he knows he doesn’t have to be keeping? Oh no, NEVER! Me, the unassuming girl who has done nothing but blindly trust you and do whatever she can to continue building a strong friendship with you, the lying boy! Grrr.
Don’t worry, the end’s not near, it’s here (Band of Horses lyric. Kudos to you if you caught that one). So here we are, present day, and let me take this time to emphasize that this boy is actually a really great guy. And no I am not saying that as some sad little girl who wants to make the world believe he is a good guy but in reality, he treats her terribly. I am saying this as a girl who made plenty of mistakes during the duration of our… whatever it was… it takes two to tango right? Did that boy make some poorly executed decisions? Sure. Did his lack of communication skills make things 10 times more difficult than they needed to be causing little things to be blown tremendously out of proportion? Definitely. But at the same time, when we met he expressed to me that he was unable to handle any sort of relationship at that point in time. So the fault doesn’t lie with either one or the other, the reality is that neither he nor I expected to enjoy each others company as much as we did, and that can be really difficult to handle, especially if you don’t feel like you’re ready for something like that.
In the whole mess of hormones and logic and feelings, ultimately it comes down to this: we are all human. We all find ourselves getting lost in things that are out of our control, but it is our responsibility to either find our way out, or consciously continue therefore no longer being lost. I do not regret a moment I spent with that boy because let me tell you, I had some of the most amazing moments with him, things I doubt I would have ever experienced had I not met him. And, despite the pain I endured, I can still honestly say that he is my best friend. He was there for me for so many mind-numbing talks and he comforted me so many times when he really didn’t have to. The guy who after knowing me a mere four months surprised me with my first trip to Comic-Con for free and accompanied me to my semi-unbearable family functions. He was suffered through endless text messages of my ramblings even when he had no idea who I was talking about. Brainstorming solutions to an insane amount of problems that continued to slam me time and time again. And while I can easily say “I never asked for this, I never asked to fall in love with him” he can say the same thing about me. He never asked for this, he never asked for me to fall in love with him. It’s not like he would ever want to lose our friendship. In a million years I know he would never want that.
Unfortunately, even with my level-headed mature reasoning, I cannot end this without admitting the embarrassing truth. That I am broken. Nothing feels the same anymore. There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed because facing a day that doesn’t involve him doesn’t even feel worth it. Call me dramatic, go ahead, I don’t care. There was a time where I could care less about dating and then something I didn’t even know I was looking for went ahead and found me. And when it did it was like this weight was just lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I could finally breathe again. I have never known what it felt like to be sure of anything in my entire life until I met him. Now even breathing hurts. Every song I hear and every movie I watch finds a way to remind me of him and it just hurts. And the worst part about all of this is that the one person I want to call who would normally make me feel like everything is going to be okay, I can’t even call. No matter how hard I want to try and make him understand how this feels I just know he will never understand. In his mind, it is just something that happened, something we didn’t mean to happen, but it happened and the only thing left to do is move on. I would literally give anything for his ability to just push things to the back of my mind and move on. But I can’t. All I can do is sit and wonder if this pain will ever go away. I have been in relationships before and obviously, I have gotten over those relationships but the reality is that every guy I have ever dated I always knew wouldn’t last. There was always some very OBVIOUS reason for why it was only temporary. This guy is different. I just wish I could somehow share this with him, without the possibility of him thinking I am just some sad little girl. I just wish he knew that he is the most important person in my life, and how meaningless and empty this life now feels without him.
Don’t people realize that they are capable of completely destroying others? Is it that your self-worth is so low that you find the possibility of affecting someone completely unfathomable?
Well, newsflash, you matter. You’re capable of hurting others. And if you’re going to assume the responsibility of making someone feel good then don’t run away when those good feelings turn bad. Remember, it takes two to tango.
xo. Kara Love
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Am I Just a Fool? Blind and stupid for loving you?

I’m back everyone! I had been locked out of my blog because of some two-step verification issues but I got in contact with WordPress support and they saved my life!

Anyway sorry to come back on such a sad note with today’s blog post. Well it’s not really sad, or it doesn’t have to be, I guess it depends on how you look at it. But the song quoted above is honestly a favorite of mine right now because it is a really pretty song with piano and violins (I love the violin) and the lyrics are easy to relate to.

Now I know everyone has been in that situation where all their friends keep telling them to stop talking to the person they like. “he’s an asshole you need to just stop talking to him” or “she’s a bitch and she’s just using you!” Yeah, we’ve all heard it right? But the problem is that even if we do listen it doesn’t really stick because we are technically doing it for someone else and not making the decision on our own. So even if we know they’re right it doesn’t mean we can just do what they say.

Another problem is like, they don’t really know the person like we do, and maybe the person isn’t REALLY an asshole or a bitch. Maybe they’re actually really great, but they just live their life to different standards than others, thus making it hard to comprehend. But even so, that still qualifies as someone you probably shouldn’t invest so much time into because the outcome if never going to be what you want it to be.

In all reality, it’s not about a decision between choosing them or choosing to listen to everyone else, it’s a decision between choosing them or choosing you. And that choice is never easy nor do people frequently make the right one. But if you come to a crossroads similar to this one just remember: if you don’t love yourself how can you expect to love someone else? With that being said, is the choice really that hard?

Choose you.

Xoxo.

[Currently listening to Grand Piano by Nicki Minaj]

I want Love to conquer all. But Love can’t conquer anything. It relies on us to do the conquering on its behalf.

Before I start I would like to share that I am currently job hunting which has taken up a lot of my time (hence the gap since the last post). To make matters worse I had the post all typed up and ready and then my nephew accidentally messed with my computer and it erased it. So I have tried to re-write it to the best of my ability. Let’s see how it goes.

    Relationships are hard. Whoever says differently are just kidding themselves. I think my favorite response to this is when people say “If you truly love the person then relationships are easy”. Pardon my language but that is bullshit. As soon as you involve the word LOVE it makes things a million times harder! Even when it becomes difficult people still pretend that everything is going just fine. It always amazes me when people know something is wrong but insist on ignoring it, as if that will make it go away. They avoid confrontation and end up boiling in resentment until they explode.

   This is how it starts: Boy meets girl (or girl meets boy) and nothing else seems to matter. Butterflies are in your stomach and it is almost as if you can take over any obstacle life throws at you. Your eyes light up while you tell people about them and you can envision the rest of your life going exactly as you always wanted.

“This is what love does: It makes you want to rewrite the world. It makes you want to choose the characters, build the scenery, guide the plot. The person you love sits across from you, and you want to do everything in your power to make it possible, endlessly possible. And when it is just the two of you alone in a room, you can pretend that this is how it is. This is how it’s going to be”. -David Levithan

Then when it is over, this depression hangs in the air as if the world is coming to an end, it is almost unbearable. Looking back over the past however many years dissecting every little detail trying to figure out what it is you did that brought things to the end. It goes on like this until someone new comes along and BAM! the world stops and all of that pain dissipates with the hope that this may be the one you have been waiting for. It is the exact definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

“The moment you fall in love it feels like it has centuries behind it, generations- all of them rearranging themselves so this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading up to this. All the secret arrows were pointing here, the Universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it. You are just now arriving at the place you’re meant to be”. -David Levithan

       I am not trying to be extremely cynical. Trust me I absolutely LOVE love. I want to be the kind of person that believes there is someone out there just for me. I want to believe that I exist in this world to be there for that someone. But I am just not good at relationships, I never have been, and that is something I am not sure I will ever be good at. I always manage to find flaws, sometimes in them, but mostly in myself. I can predict the end and then I go and cause the end. I do this in an attempt to save myself but end up alone [David Levithan].

    Even if the relationship doesn’t meet its end I still go about the relationship detached and aloof. This behavior usually bothers the person I am with and I know everyone tells me to just try, TRY to change, but why should I change myself for the person who supposedly loves me for who I am? I mean even when I detach, I care, you can be separate from something and still  care about it. That is one concept most people can’t seem to understand.

    Another factor is my taste in guys. I know all the girls reading this can relate. I am all about the troubled boys. The ones who need me to guide them and take care of them. It makes me feel needed and important. But the problem with being a girl who loves a lost boy, is the girl becomes lost herself [David Levithan, Every Day], and that is the beginning of the end. You spent all this time building a relationship and then it’s like one night you left the window open during a storm and everything was destroyed.

“The world is broken. But maybe it isn’t that we are supposed to find the pieces and put them back together. Maybe we’re the pieces. Maybe what we’re supposed to do is come together. That is how to stop the breaking”. -David Levithan

   Maybe the fantasy of love doesn’t exist anymore. But maybe that is okay. What is it that everyone always says? Everything is okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

As for me, I am perfectly happy not holding up to the status quo that everyone seems so hell bent on being apart of, it works for me. What doesn’t work for me is feeling like I have somehow failed because I am three years shy of 30 and not in a serious relationship. Maybe I will get married and maybe I won’t. Maybe I will have kids and maybe I won’t. I don’t know any of that yet. I am in my 20’s and I am living my life. This is the time of adventure and exploration, if during this time I meet someone with the same ideals as me then maybe I will have an adventure with them. I just don’t know. All I know is I am happy, and before this pressure of “falling in love” came over the world, happiness was the ultimate goal in living was it not?

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: School Friends by Now, Now]

I’ve got my mouth. It’s a weapon. It’s a bombshell. It’s a cannon. I’ve got my words. I won’t give mercy

 

Hello everyone! So yeah it has been so long since I’ve written and I apologize for that. Unfortunately some personal matters came up about my blog and I took a break trying to resolve the issues. But I have decided that I love this blog and I am not doing anything on it to offend anyone so why should I stop?

For today’s post I wanted to discuss influences. People who influence us to do things during our life, like role models or even negative opinions. It takes a lot to stand up for what you truly believe in especially if you have people close to you trying to hold you back. It could be friends or lovers doing it out of jealousy or even family members who are so insistent on you being a certain way that they cannot help but try to control your every move. I am not saying I don’t appreciate people who care about me trying to do what they think is best, but at the end of the day I am who I am and I cannot change that.

They say in life you cannot truly love someone until you learn to love yourself. I find that confusing when so many try to tell me who I am and what I should be doing. How am I ever going to love who I am if so many people are telling me who to be? I get so frustrated with this situation it makes me want to scream. How is it that people who love you can disagree with what makes you, you? I didn’t choose to be this way, I can assure you that when I look at others graduating college and starting a career, it makes me wish I had done something similar. But I didn’t. I chose to live the life I have and I don’t regret it. It is just so upsetting when people who are different choose to go against it because they just don’t understand. We cannot all be the same I mean how boring would that be? Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same and no one disagrees? And more importantly is how can you be so sure that what people are telling you is the right thing to do? I don’t know about all of you but it’s hard for me to trust someone who cannot love and accept me for who I am.

I am 27 years old and I love Harry Potter. That’s right, I absolutely love it, and in my head I still like to believe that something like that exists. I love to write and paint even though it is not making me any money right now. I’m an unconventional type of girl who doesn’t live my life at the hands of a man hoping to be married with tons of babies before I’m 30. I am a free spirit and I go wherever my path leads and sometimes I don’t know where that is. But wherever I end up all I can do is figure it all out as I go along. And that is okay with me. I don’t need a plan or an agenda I just need to live. Isn’t that the point of all of this anyway? To live?

It it feels good to be back.

Xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Fighting for Nothing By Meg & Dia]

I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together

 

Good evening everyone. I was listening to my music on shuffle when the song “Bent” came on by Matchbox Twenty. Not only do I just LOVE that song but the lyrics are just so relateable I felt the urge to blog about it.

I am sure most of you have heard the song but just in case you havent (or maybe you need a refresher) I will include one of the verses for you:

Shouldn’t be so complicated. Just hold me and then, hold me again. Can you help me I’m bent, I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. Keep breakin me in and this is how we will end, with you and me, bent.”

I am sure everyone can relate when it comes to a relationship that completely takes everything from you. So much that in the end you are afraid to move on and date anyone else because a part of you feels missing, like your ex took it with them, when the relationship ended.

This song to me sounds like the person meets someone new but before anything gets serious asks them if they can help fix what was broken by their last relationship. Of course it is not anyone else’s responsibility to take care of you or make everything better but what the artist is saying does make sesne, it shouldn’t be so difficult, your heart is broken why wouldn’t being loved by someone new repair it?

It might not be easy but I do believe that it is up to us to repair our broken hearts and I also think that the next person to love you definitely plays their part in putting all the pieces back together <3

xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Torn by The Fire and the Sea]

For you I’d break these walls, I’d choose to fall, I’m gonna cross that line for you.

 

Hello everyone! I know its been far too long since my last post and I definitely have an explanation. See I purchased a domain name and I’m in the process of making that transition so my blog can have its official website URL. On top of that I’m in school again and still working full time (also trying to maintain a life) I think you all catch my drift.

For today’s  post I wanted to touch on the subject of sleeping with your exes. We all know it’s a grey area when it comes to an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, it is the last person you felt comfortable with, and we all love regressing to what is comfortable. But here is the question: is it crossing a line to go back to an ex for physical purposes? Obviously I say it is not the best idea to go back to an ex and give the relationship another go (let’s be honest they are an EX for a reason) but what is the REAL harm in getting what you both need without any strings attached.

Only problem with the whole “no strings” is that they are your ex so emotional attachment is BOUND to be there no matter how “over” them you claim to be. So there is an issue right there. UNLESS you are able to get this taken care of in the form of “closure”…. You know what I mean by that, where there is that tiny unresolved piece from your past relationship, and you just can’t quite figure out how to take care of it and let them go. So you sleep with them and *poof* like magic you feel NOTHING and you are finally able to move on with your life.

We are all guilty of harboring feelings for an old flame and there is nothing wrong with it. The truth is that sometimes you never really get over them until you repair yourself from what they broke in you and give the fully restored version to the next one who will be the next chapter in your life. Most people prefer to erase that person completely and forget that part of their life ever happened in order to fix themselves and move on. And you know what if that works for you then so be it.

Others prefer to have that “one last time” moment with their ex. Just like a great book that you couldn’t ever put down, because the story was so captivating it engulfed you in every page, sometimes you want to go back and re-read it one more time. Not because you think the ending will change but because you remember how good you felt while you read it. And even if  the story doesn’t go on forever, and you know it still ends the same, it is still worth the read. Because you loved it that much.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Cross That Line by Joshua Radin]

The Monsters in my head are scared of Love.

Hello everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend (I know I definitely did). I spent Friday through Sunday in Las Vegas relaxing in a beautiful Venetian Suite by day and partying to Skrillex and Diplo by night! All good things must end and now I am home wishing I were still there because reality can be such a bummer.

I know you are all used to me ranting on and on about my cynical views on love, and even though I constantly insist that I am NOT cynical when it comes to relationships, I am sure most of you don’t believe me haha. Here is the honest truth though: Love seriously terrifies me. I mean it. I can handle ANY scary movie out there. I actually enjoy the adrenaline rush I get from fear. But meeting someone and letting my guard down, giving them the potential to hurt me, that has got to be the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I think my biggest worry has been that I will meet that “someone” and we will be together and be happy and whatever, and then one day he will just wake up and not love me anymore, but feel obligated to me or something and stay in the relationship even though he isn’t happy anymore. I think this stems from witnessing all the unhappiness around me. Divorce, adultery, lying, cheating, manipulation, and etc. Like I said in my previous post, my Venus is in Pisces (astrologically speaking), and I believe that makes me even more empathetic when it comes to feeling what happens to those around me. It is like this quote I heard in one of my favorite films “The United States of Leland” where Ryan Gosling’s character is explaining the two ways of seeing the world: that you can either see the sadness that is behind everything, or you can choose to keep it all out.

It covers my eyes. It’s all I can see. Say there’s some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won’t let play because he tells corny jokes and no one thinks they’re funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they’re gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can’t even look each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.”

That is how he describes being the type of person who sees the sadness all around us, it is the best way I can describe how I feel all of the time, and it literally causes my heart to hurt on a daily basis. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be one of those people who keeps that out I really don’t and I wish I did. I wish so badly to be one of those people who can just allow myself to be loved despite the risk involved because I want it trust me I want it so bad. But I find it so much simpler to just be alone and not even put myself through the mess. I mean tell me, how can I even begin to allow myself to dive head first into a commitment when all around me I see married couples in open relationships and guys who have serious girlfriends but are talking to me about sleeping with me? Because there is no way in hell I want to be the wife who stays home while my husband brings his girlfriend to Vegas, and I definitely don’t want to be the girlfriend who finds out my boyfriend has been cheating on me but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to “hurt me”, I just don’t even know what to think anymore all I know is that my walls are up and it is not for no reason. All of a sudden I can’t sleep again and I am beginning to question so many things as I continue to move forward in my life and I just want to know what is the point of it all? What is the point of feeling so empty without the ultimate outcome being that I become full?

And in the end, we are all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Bruised by Jacks Mannequin]

You brought out the best in me. A part of me I’ve never seen…

Hello everyone and happy Wednesday! So I have been feeling rather nostalgic lately and I am not sure if it is just because of the time of year it is or if it is just for any random reason but this post is going to be less “cynical anti-relationship Kara” and more “romantic loving love Kara”.

I discovered recently by doing a thorough reading of my Birth Chart that my Venus is in Pisces. This actually caused one of those “light bulb” moments in that now I understand why  I constantly feel so empathetic towards other relationships as opposed to my own. For example, when I witness other men and women going through turmoil my heart just hurts for them and I want to do whatever I can to fix them, but I am never concerned with my own heartache to the same degree. Or why I can spend all of my free time watching these great but sad films revolving around some sort of love story, which at some point I always connect with and feel so much emotion towards, but have never once attempted a real love story of my own.

Okay. That last sentence may not be entirely true. There was once a time where I did finally succumb to love and allow my story to be written. I actually got a decent amount of chapters filling up the delicate binding in which holds my fragile life together. And I was happy. I mean genuinely, positively, “the world seems brighter the grass looks greener”, happy. I mean up until this point, I had no idea there could be another person on this planet who could have the ability to understand me, without TRYING to because it is a challenge for them. I mean being with him really did erase all the darkness from my past and allowed me to envision a future. Like the song says above I really did feel like our feelings for one another were made for the movies. At a time in my life where I had given up believing in myself because, why should I? No one else seemed to. Here comes this guy who believed in me, saw something in me that I couldn’t even see, and best of all he made me believe in myself.

Now, I am not sure if it is the side effects of growing up in a broken home with the only example of relationships/marriage being divorce, or if it is because I am an Aquarius and let’s just face it we are pretty much the hardest people to get to commit to anyone. But I have this terrible tendency of being hot and cold when it comes to relationships. I will be all in and then I will be very distant and detached. When I am all in there comes a moment of panic where I fear that things are just going too well and I am too happy which inevitably means something bad is going to happen leading me to distance myself as a means of protection from heartache. It is all very twisted and messed up and I am not a fan of this behavior one bit. But of course this game went on throughout our relationship and trust me he had his issues too which came into play on top of mine ultimately creating a volatile relationship which of course became violent in the end. I know we all wish we could go back in time and do something differently in hopes it would have worked out but we all know we can’t do that so our only option is to move forward and heal from the pain caused by this heartache. Then once we are healed we can do it right the next time (or at least better).

Some say I have not dated because I have some high expectations of this “fairytale” relationship. My response to that is, “So what?”. I really don’t think it is that ridiculous to hope I meet someone who makes me feel as if the world is moving in slow motion or who looks at me and makes it difficult for me to catch my breath. I also don’t think it is absurd to hope I meet someone I cannot imagine spending a minute without, that when we are apart we miss each other, so that when we see each other it is butterflies all over again. I don’t think that is crazy because I’ve had that before. So if I’ve had it before I can have it again. And I try not to compare guys to my past relationship but in that sense I will have my standards high because I am not going to date someone who doesn’t give me that rush of adrenaline and excitement when we are together. If I do then I am just settling and I refuse to settle just because people tell me that is just how life is: you meet someone, you share common interests, the person is nice with a good job and will be a good parent, so you get married and live mediocre robotic lives together until you die. Or worse, get divorced, so you can put your kids through a miserable upbringing causing them to have the same intimacy issues you have thanks to YOUR parents.

Thanks to nostalgia I have considered the possibility of this not being possible due to the idea that perhaps you only get one shot at a “fairytale” romance. There is nothing worse than thinking back on your past and wondering if you will ever have that again (I mean the good times not the bad). This doesn’t mean you’re not over your ex because trust me I am over him, it has been years and I don’t think about getting back together or anything like that, but I do wonder if he was it. I wonder if I will meet someone who just makes sense physically, emotionally, and mentally, like he did. Or if I will meet someone who almost does but just not quite as much. How can you not be constantly let down in the dating scene when you have yet to meet someone who is actually worth getting ready and leaving your house for? I do my best to reassure myself that if my ex was meant to be the Universe would have made it happen. Unless it was that my timing was off which is a definite curse of mine.

All I want is, all I need is, to find somebody. I’ll find somebody… Like You.”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: All I Want by Kodaline]

What a slut TIME is… She screws everybody.

Hello everyone! Ugh I know it has been SO long since my last post; I have been working A LOT of extra hours trying to save some money for 4th of July in Vegas!

Today’s post is all about Timing, as you can see from the post title quote (courtesy of Fault in Our Stars) and also the photo and quote pictured above. I don’t know about all of you but one thing I absolutely despise is when Time just refuses to stay on the same clock as me…

For example: Why is it that when I am ready and willing to jump into a relationship there are NO potential suitors? Like, I put in all this effort to make myself look nice and presentable, only go out and see absolutely NO ONE of interest. It’s not even like I’m super picky either, okay who am I kidding, I’m a woman of COURSE I’m picky. But I definitely don’t set standards that are completely out of my reach, I actually think my standards for potential boyfriends is pretty logical, with the exception of Ansel Egort of course (hey you never know lol). Moving on…

How frustrating is it being a single guy/girl? To go out without finding at least one person worthy of a little innocent flirting. Sure you could go along with it and give one of those options a chance… I personally am not a strong believer in the whole “dating for the sake of dating” or “better than being alone” way of living that everyone else has grown so accustomed to. Honestly I think those are two of the worst reasons to be with someone. Call me old fashioned, but I believe the act of dating was designed to find your future husband/wife, not to mask your fears/insecurities. Trust me, whatever you’re distracting yourself from will eventually poke its head out of the water and when they do you can expect an immense amount of turmoil to follow.

Truth is, EVERYONE ends up alone at some point (no life is not like the Notebook. It’s very unlikely that you and your husband/wife will die sleeping in each others arms). I advise taking advantage of your youth to work on loving yourself to eliminate those weaknesses holding you back. That way when you do find THE ONE, you will actually be capable of loving them the way one should be loved, and accepting it the same way.

Let’s continue… Another issue I have with that little floozy we all know as “Time” is the other side of the spectrum. That point in your life when you really don’t want to be in a relationship (yes some of us do want to focus on our own happiness before signing our lives away in exchange for a life making someone else happy) but of course good ol’ Time has something else in mind. All of a sudden you can’t even go to the grocery store without being asked out or hit on, and if it’s happening at the store just imagine how much worse it is at bars. Say goodbye to “girls night” and hello to the guy/girl who ends up joining your table at one point in the evening. Oh, and don’t even try to explain that you’re not dating and why, because all they register from that is “I’m no easy feat, I’ll be a huge challenge, try and win me!”.

It slightly offends me whenever I’m on a dating hiatus, and in the attempt to politely explain it to a guy, his response is an attempt to CONVINCE me that I don’t want to be alone I actually want a relationship…with him… obviously. Uhm hello, I think I am of sound enough mind to know what it is that I want, but thanks for your opinions of how I am living my life confused and unhappy because I am single. However, trying to fault them for it is useless, for they’re just on a different schedule than you; They want a relationship but no one they meet is ready or willing (you know what that’s like remember?).

Perhaps a solution to these issues with Time would be for all of us to buy the same watch? Just a thought.

I will end this post with a brief visit to one more example of Time related nonsense, the one time zone I haven’t mentioned, because it just hurts my heart to even think about… In this moment you’re in the second instance of time, not even thinking about finding someone or dating, you meet that one person who is absolutely perfect for you. You just KNOW right then and there, it’s magnetic, and it’s the most common circumstance of finding someone in the same TIME zone as you are… Only it “isn’t the right time”. And sure you tell yourself, hell you might even tell each other, that when the timing is right you two will find one another and be together. But come on, let’s be honest, how often do you hear of that happening?

Because I knew that you would be all right
And in my heart, you would stay a while with me
And we danced until the morning light
And you said to me, you said we’ll be all right
Yeah, we’ll be all right”

xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Be Alright By Lucy Rose]

Love is only a great thing because we know what it feels like to have our heart broken… What it feels like to be alone.

 

Good morning everyone and hello Saturday! It has been a few days I know, I had a friend visiting from Las Vegas, and it was hard enough to balance time between work and showing her around that blogging was just not an option.

On my last post I received such a lovely comment by an anonymous reader. In the comment he shared with me of a current predicament he is having about his ex girlfriend. He said that they dated for 3 years and in the end he was unhappy in the relationship and was okay with it being over. Now, years later, she is with a new guy and just had a baby. This brought past feelings back up it the surface and has left him upset and confused. He then requested I write a post about lessons you can learn from your exes/past relationships and/or what to do when these old feelings come resurface for no reason at all. So, I want to say thank you for the kind compliments on my writing and for being a dedicated reader, and I hope today’s post gives you the help you are seeking.

To start out, I know that everyone has been in this position at least once in their life, it’s like a right of passage or something to see the one you used to be happy with, happy with someone else. Especially nowadays with social media sites and etc… It’s even easier to causally stumble upon a picture or comment showing you a glimpse of what they’re up to and who they’re dating. It’s pretty much torture. But still we all do it to ourselves time and time again. Even if we don’t go looking for it we still end up hearing it from mutual friends so we really have no way of escaping that inevitable “feels like I just got punched in the stomach” moment. So obviously if you just broke up like barely a month ago and they have already moved on then that totally sucks and there is no questioning why you’re upset about them dating already. But if it’s been like years and you’ve already had closure and dealt with the breakup, then seeing your ex getting married or something stirs your emotions up, that’s when you might ask the question “wtf why do I even care?!”

When the reader came to me with this problem he asked for help because he didn’t understand why he was feeling this way. So many people have this thought process when it comes to ex girlfriends/boyfriends and I think it’s a defense mechanism to ensure they won’t be hurt by the breakup any longer than they absolutely have to. But people often convince themselves that once they are “over it” (meaning no longer thinking of them, texting them, talking about them, etc) they become invincible to being affected by anything associated with that ex. So, they see their ex announcing their wedding or baby or any other life event that may catch their eye, they get that rush of emotions and they’re like “I don’t understand. I’m over them.” And etc… Well here’s a news flash for all of you: deep down you do understand. You may not see it in that moment or maybe your pride is preventing you from admitting it to yourself but you know those feelings NEVER go away. I mean if you spent a significant amount of your life with that person then it doesn’t matter how long it’s been or how okay you are being broken up.

Sometimes things don’t work out between people and it’s nobody’s fault”

There will always be those certain moments when you see something in their life and the wheels in your head start to turn with all of the “what if’s”. What if you stayed together? Would it have worked out? Would you two be planning a wedding or expecting a baby? Maybe these exact questions aren’t running through your mind but your emotional reaction may as we’ll be those questions translated into that “feeling in the pit of your stomach”. Most of the time it’s not even really about them, it’s really your own insecurities being cloaked by the idea that you want them back, emotions can be super tricky sometimes. You could be at a point where you’re wanting to settle down yourself and you just haven’t met “the one” yet, and you see the last important person in your life doing these things, so even though you want to be happy for them you cannot help but dwell on the idea that it “should be you”.

As far as your question goes, what to do when this situation arises and what lessons can be learned from your ex, well the answers sort of go hand in hand. You sit back and you remind yourself of how lucky you are to have loved someone that much, so much that you STILL get knots in your stomach when you see them living their life with someone else, some people don’t even come close. So instead of spending your time dwelling on the past or feeling sad and alone, focus on how good it was to know what being loved feels like, and the confidence that you will definitely feel it again when you meet the right person.

Well yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, I guess what I’m feeling is like a, beautiful sadness.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Radio by Alkaline Trio]

You’re killing me to walk away

Well it is Tuesday which I suppose is better than Monday but it is still the beginning of the work week which is a total bummer. I am sorry for not writing for a while but my life has been SO hectic with closing escrow on my mom’s house and getting that all taken care of with estate sales and what not.

For today’s post I wanted to touch on a common situation that seems to occur in the world of dating and/or relationships. The situation I speak of is when things seem to be going so well in the beginning and then all of a sudden you are no longer getting calls/texts or any show of interest from your significant other. I think I speak for everyone in the WORLD when I say how unbelievably frustrating it is when this happens. I mean here we are thinking everything is working out so nicely and then *poof* they’re gone with no explanation whatsoever.

We have all been here, some of us have probably been the one doing the disappearing act, and I just have to say that the polite thing to do is just COMMUNICATE! You know how all therapists answers to like everything, whether is be marriage dating or families, is always communication? Everyone says how therapy is BS and they always give the same answers which offer no help. Funny thing is that communicating is probably the only answer to life’s many issues when it comes to human relationships. If you are dating someone and at first you are like REALLY into them, then for whatever reason you just aren’t into it anymore, I am pretty sure the solution is not to ignore them. All that does is drive the other person totally crazy wondering what in the world they could have done wrong (it may even lead to endless texts/phone calls) resulting in you getting irritated and calling them crazy which just isn’t nice.

One day soon I won’t be the one who waits for you.”

The questions that come from this situation are in NO WAY crazy either. As it clearly says in the lyrics in the above picture, they basically just want to know why it is that now you don’t want them and won’t return their calls, and the only conclusion is that you were leading them on the entire time. And if at one point you were interested then why not continue putting in the effort to keep them around and make something work? Considering the behavior that is being displayed on the end of the person doing the “dodging” none of that really makes someone a crazy person. Now, if they CONTINUE to call and go back to you when you do answer knowing that it will always end the same way, that is the definition of insanity: doing the same action over and over expecting a different result. But let’s be real here, it is pretty much impossible to walk away from something we really want, especially without an explanation or at least something telling us WHY we are walking away.

Unfortunately, even in writing this post, I can honestly say that this is one of those mysteries that will most likely never be answered. Some people are either too naive to know that they are leading you on. Or they have such low self esteem that they enjoy the idea of you racking your brain for hours on end about him or her, talking to all of your friends about it, and possibly even sitting around waiting for them to show you even the slightest bit of attention again. If you ask me that person is the pathetic one, you should not get down on yourself because that guy or girl lead you on, you should be thankful that you didn’t get stuck dating such an insecure mess.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Where Does The Good Go by Tegan and Sara]

“How do I get him to stop texting me?” A story by Kara Love & her iPhone

Hello everyone! I hope all of you are having a great start to your work week, but if you’re not, at least you can take your mind off things for a bit with today’s post!

Remember that time you went out with your friends to a bar/club/restaurant and you chatted up that guy/girl for like however long you were there for? Then as you were heading out they asked for your number and you thought to yourself “sure, why not, they seem pretty cool” so you exchange numbers and go on your way not really thinking too much of it.

Then when you’re in the car you hear the ever-so-familiar sound of your text tone, let’s be real here it is probably the most frequently heard sound by the entire human race, and you pull out your phone curious/excited as to who it could be (don’t even lie you know you act like that every time your phone goes off). So you look at it:

“Hey it’s [guy/girl] from the [location you met] what are you gonna do tonight? Wanna hangout?”

Uhhh…. What the hell? Is this guy/girl really asking me what I am doing 5 minutes after he said goodbye to me? Hmm they’re probably just drunk, I will play into it tonight I guess, I mean what is the worst that could happen?

So, the entire week following the “exchanging of the phone numbers”, you quickly draw the conclusion that:

  1. No they were not just drunk when they sent you a text asking to hangout 5 minutes after getting your number.
  2. They actually enjoy sending you a text asking what you are up to and if you want to hang out pretty much EVERY day.
  3. You may have dug yourself into a bit of a hole when you gave this guy/girl your phone number.
  4. You also may have dug yourself into an even DEEPER hole when you played into their texts that first night (rookie move, we all do it).
  5. You are just going to have to let them down easy before things get too out of control.

Okay so that initial week of the constant texts requesting to see you again has passed. You made the mental list in your head (it may be longer or shorter depending on how eager this texter really is) and you have had enough. I mean, I don’t care what ANYONE says, there is absolutely nothing flattering about this situation. It is not cute that you feel the need to text me EVERY SINGLE DAY trying to hangout when we just met a couple of days before at like a bar or something. It is creepy and weird and a little obsessive. Like maybe one text a day or two later, totally appropriate. But this nonsense is just plain unacceptable and it needs to be stopped.

So hopefully you figure out a way to cut the cord on that and you vow to never make that mistake again. Fast forward to some time in the future: a few months, maybe a year, maybe even more. You are just going about your life, business as usual, and you get a text message. You go to check it and you see that name, yes you still have them in your phone, do you remember who you are dealing with here? No one likes surprises! Anyway, this is the future and you’re a friendly person, so you go ahead and reply to them. What’s the worst that could happen?

  1. He/She will still be the same exact obsessive texter they were before. Did you honestly think they wouldn’t be?
  2. You will find yourself in a twilight zone-ish world where history is just repeating itself with constant feelings of deja-vu
  3. You might not remember how you got rid of him/her before, you can’t use the same out, maybe he/she won’t remember either?
  4. He/She might have gone through some terrible tragedy since then, so now you have to reject him/her again, AFTER he/she has gone through a bunch of awful shit. Way to be a total asshole.
  5. You will have to suffer through ANOTHER length of time where you are getting constant texts from him/her asking you to hangout which you always reply “perhaps” or “maybe” to even though you know you never will.

Congratulations future you, not many people can say they have time traveled, and you only have yourself to blame. But honestly it really isn’t your fault. I mean god forbid you are a friendly person who just likes talking to people right? All of a sudden it’s a crime to respond to people with absolutely no intention of ever hanging out with them? Like sorry I have manners and I speak when I am spoken to. Had no idea that pressing the send button is an automatic commitment to giving you my time just because you’re texting me. Also, word of advice: I may actually want to hangout with you at first, but my schedule is making it difficult, hitting me up every day asking me if I will ever make time for you is definitely gonna make me glad my schedule is so busy.

 

So what inspired this post? Obviously a real life experience that I have decided to share with all of you through the screen of my iPhone. Brief insight is I met this guy at a bar a year ago, he took a pic of me and my friends for us, we chatted for a bit. I gave him my number and he texted me IMMEDIATELY after I left to hangout. I went with it because I lived out of state. A year later he popped up again and I decided to be friendly and respond to the texts. I am sorry let me rephrase that, CONSTANT texts. I was always very nice when I would say I couldn’t hangout but in these photos I was at my breaking point. I am in green, he is silver. Enjoy:

 

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Screen Shot 2018-02-18 at 11.02.38 PM

 

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Sentimental Tune by Tegan and Sara]

Finally you have found someone perfect.

Hello everyone. I am not sure if you can guess the subject of today’s post by the title/photo but it is something that has come up in quite a few conversations lately so I figured I would write about it.

Marriage. I believe I wrote a post a while back about this adorable married couple I know and the insight I got from them on how to make it work and etc. So, lately I have been having these discussions with my sister, and she believes that I am totally living in some fantasy world. You see, despite what it may seem like from reading my blog, I am actually not a cynical person when it comes to love. Oh boy do I believe in love. I mean REALLY believe in it. The whole boy meets girl, boy and girl fall madly in love, get married and start a family… you know how the story goes. And why shouldn’t it go like that? Is it that hard to fathom that there is someone out there that is just perfect for you and when you meet him you just know? I am not completely unrealistic, I know that there is more to marriage than just love and I know that love isn’t always enough, trust me I know that. But that doesn’t mean that love isn’t a huge part of it. If anything I believe that love is like, the MAIN part of it… right?

Now my sister seems to think that because of my “fantasy” that I am living in I will have a very difficult time settling down and getting married. She says this because she believes that marriage is a business deal and the whole purpose is to find someone who will be a good husband to me and a good father to our children (when that time comes). He will be someone who will love our children and take care of us the way we need to be taken care of. That doesn’t mean I don’t need to have a job or whatever it isn’t all about finances but just in the grand scheme of things he is the right guy for the task at hand. When she said this I told her I don’t think that is how it is, I feel that if I don’t marry for love then I will wake up one day full of regret and unhappiness and want to leave him, and my biggest fear of marriage is to follow in my parents footsteps and raise my hypothetical children in a broken home. Her response to this was: “You know what you do when you wake up unhappy and want to leave? You get up, you go and play with your kids that you had with this man, you think about how good he is to those kids, and then you go to sleep. Because chances are those feelings will pass by the time you wake up”. Yeah… that is the wisdom I get from my older sister ha ha.

So who knows, maybe my ideals on love and marriage will make me actually achieving them difficult, I suppose only time will tell. All I know is that I would rather live my entire life alone than marry someone just because it was the “logical” thing to do. I don’t need some whimsical romance to sweep me off my feet like in the movies but it that much to ask to actually connect with someone and just get lost in it? I mean yeah I want to be smart about it, I want us to have careers, and I want us to be able to build a life together comfortably. But can’t you have that and be in love?

Anyway, for now, I love the fairytale I am living in. There may not be a knight in shining armor just yet, but that’s okay, I am all the hero I need at the moment.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Hard to Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers]

I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free, and a little bit empty

TGIF am I right?! This post isn’t going to take up too much of your time because I have a really busy weekend planned and it is starting as soon as work ends!

Okay so if you read the quote on the image above you may have a small inclination of where this is going to go. I relate SO much to that quote, maybe other women reading this do too, and I will explain exactly what I mean by that.

I have lived most of my adult life being this alluring idea to guys. It isn’t that I am conceited or anything because trust me this never really boosted my self esteem. No, what they see isn’t this picture of a girl they want to date, it is a girl they just want to have fun with. Because I seem “fun” or “wild” or “down”. Unfortunately this image frequently made me appealing to the guys who HAD girlfriends. So, I was hit on by guys who were already taken, hence making ME the other woman. And I really hate being the other woman.

In my days of being a young stupid girl I got this notion instilled in my brain that I was somehow “un-dateable” which is why my only option was to be “that girl”. That girl who belonged to no one, who was free to do whatever she wanted, and it didn’t matter who got hurt because she was hurt first. Unfortunately with that responsibility came the burden of reputation to please everyone (and no I don’t mean please like that, get your head out of the gutter). I mean being “that girl” makes you easily disposable and the second you say no it is like you just do not exist. If a friend needed you and you weren’t there then whatever they don’t want to hangout with you. Obviously these people were not your friends but you didn’t know that back then.

I would literally go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with nothing but emptiness. I had nothing of any value, not my dignity, and definitely not my self respect. I could be in a room surrounded by people and feel completely and utterly alone even though I thought I had everything I wanted. I was convinced this was the life I was destined to live and I just had to accept it. For years I had my mind warped this way but I wanted so much more. I wanted to treat people better and I wanted to be treated better. I wanted real friends (which I couldn’t have if I wasn’t a real friend myself).

Ladies, let me tell you something, don’t you EVER let someone make you the other woman. Don’t ever allow yourself to become the other woman by yourself either. that is not a title to wear proudly and trust me I don’t care how hot that guy is, you do not want a man who is willing to cheat. I hate to be the one to tell you this but you are not special, he is cheating because he is a loser, not because there is something about YOU that he has to have.

You belong to no one but yourself. If you find someone you want to share your precious life with then so be it, but do not go stretching yourself thin to make everyone happy, they do not deserve it. And at the end of the day you are the one who ends up with nothing. Do not allow yourself to have nothing, if you want it all, go out there and get it.

Take pride in who you are and do not let anyone or anything make you think that you are anything less than extraordinary. ESPECIALLY not yourself, after all, we are our own worst critic.

xoxo.

[Listening to: Pompeii by Bastille]

Forget what hurt you in the past. But never forget what it taught you.

Oh Wednesday, how I do adore you, now only two days left of my work week until the weekend. This post is inspired from an unexpected “blast from the past” I encountered recently. Yes, I have written about him quite a bit when this blog first started, but obviously emotions resurfaced and I feel the need to write about him again.

For the sake of privacy I am going to refrain from using his name, but then again, the post isn’t really about him alone. It is about the past in general. You see, the first instinct people have when you bring up someone from your past is to warn you, and tell you it isn’t a good idea to talk to them. And yeah maybe they’re right. Honestly, I do it because no matter how bad a person has hurt me, I will never forget the times when we cared about each other. Thinking about those times doesn’t make me want to run back into his arms, it just makes me happy to have memories of a time where I felt loved, even if in the end I was broken.

7b84376c842c01bac939acbdf9bf03a7So this person contacts me right? What was even more strange was that last week I had a nightmare about him. And I have not thought about this person for a LONG time. Sure, every now and then he crosses my mind, and I ask around about him. But this dream felt SO REAL. I woke up and I text a mutual friend and she agreed it was bizarre but she had not heard anything about him. The feeling stayed with me but I brushed it off. Then a close friend of mine visiting from Las Vegas brought him up, asked me if I ever talked to him and I told her that I don’t even have his phone number, then I told her about the nightmare. The last thing I said to her before the topic of discussion changed was “I just want to know that he is okay. I want to know that he isn’t in trouble and that he is alive somewhere…”

Well, you can imagine how shocked I was to be contacted by him, only a few days later. The conversation wasn’t long and it wasn’t negative nor was it any type of romantic or “I miss you” style of conversation. Just a short, simple exchange of words, “you look well. how have you been.” etc. To be honest it felt SO good to know that he was alive and well I wasn’t even thinking about anything else. Just so relieved that I no longer have to be in my head wondering if he is okay. Obviously my friends voiced their concerns, which I am totally grateful for, extremely lucky to have such caring friends to look out for me. But I really think that this was a good thing, I feel like the universe could feel me struggling with this unresolved issue of guilt and worry so it just gave me something that I needed. And honestly despite everything this guy was my best friend for like three years. So yeah I care about his well being.

Anyways, my point in all of this is that I do feel the past should stay the past, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to miss people or think about them. You shouldn’t feel bad for being concerned about someone that you haven’t heard anything about for a long time. To me, that is just being human, if no one had heard from someone you all used to know for months I think it would be weird if you didn’t think about it. And if that person reaches out to you but you feel like you wont be able to handle opening that door to communication then don’t respond. It is all about you and what you are comfortable with. But, if you think you are in a place where a quick conversation isn’t going to send you in a downward spiral, then go ahead and talk to them. You know you will regret it if you don’t anyway.

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xoxo.

[Currently Listening: Feel it in My Bones by Tegan and Sara]