On the next Intervention: “Help! I think my kitten has joined a Street Gang”

Hello everyone! Today’s post is on a pretty serious subject that I think the world really needs to be informed about: Kitten Gangs.

No, your eyes do not deceive you, nor did my auto correct complete that sentence. Kitten Gangs are very real and growing more common by the SECOND! The most dangerous part about it is that you would never expect their crimes because they are so damn cute! So, now I must move on and tell you, that I fear my kitten has joined a street gang.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I really don’t want to lose her completely but I am so afraid that one of these days she is going to stroll in with blood on her paws. Or maybe I will come home to my electronics having been stolen. Who knows how far she will go once she is in too deep! What is next? What if she turns to using drugs! Cat Nip these days could be laced with Lord knows what! I guess in order for you all to understand I should start at the beginning…

I first noticed the signs right after I began taking Katerina (my kitten) outside. I would have her on a leash in hopes to familiarize her with the neighborhood and etc. but despite how many cats i have seen out being walked by their owners Kat refused to be walked. She just wanted to be able to explore with freedom and I mean I can’t just lock in an adventurous spirit!! So I let her off the leash and ever since then she got the WORST attitude I mean talk about teen angst!  Any time she was inside the house the begging was constant “Mew! Mew! Meeewww!” and there is only so much one can bear. When I would open the door she would dart by me and run out, refusing to return until the early morning hours, sometimes even 3am or later!

One day I let her out and left my slider open while I cleaned up my place, it was a Saturday so I was home, I was hoping she could burn out some energy in an attempt to plan on sleeping in Sunday, plus I could keep on eye on her. All of a sudden I go to the door to listen for her and hear absolutely nothing (which worried me) so I walked out to investigate when I heard it. My Kat was fighting with another cat! I mean she was really holding her own for how small she is and how big the cat was but I was just appalled by this behavior! I yelled at her and got her inside while she hissed at me and was just acting completely wild. Lets just say she was grounded after that.

Next she began her routine of ruining my sleep habits. At night time when I would get into bed THAT is when she decided to be wild and run around my place knocking things over. In the early morning hours of my WEEKEND the incessant meowing and walking all over me until I woke up beame a frequent occurrence. So we agreed that I will let her out in the morning as long as she came back when it got dark. A few nights ago I got home and went over to where she usually explores to call her inside. I heard her meowing and then she hopped up on the wall connecting my backyard with my neighbors (behind our house). She meowed at me and I told her to come inside, then she looked down behind the wall and meowed, all of a sudden the same cat she fought with hopped up next to her… Kat looks at me and does this cute little “mew” basically expecting me to let this cat to sleep over. I mean what a little sneak right? Of course I said no and did not hear the end of that the rest of the night.

What worries me is that I am thinking that cat fight may have been the process of her “getting jumped in” to a Kitten Street Gang. Once I came to that conclusion all of these horrible things ran through my mind: what if all these late nights are the result of the initiation process, maybe she has tasks to complete to prove her loyalty, I mean who knows! I really don’t want her to fall any deeper into this lifestyle, she has such a bright future ahead of her, she is not even a year old yet! Only just turned 7 months old on the 9th!

One last thing is, and this is the worst of all, the cat they call Zorro, I received a text one day from an unknown number asking me how Zorro was. I was very confused and responded saying they had the wrong number, to which the replied “don’t you have that cat Zorro now?”, uhmm no I have never heard of this ‘Zorro’ character… No communication after that. Could this cat known by “Zorro” possibly be the leader of this gang? Maybe word has spread about Kat and that is what inspired the random text? I know I sound paranoid but I am just at the end of my rope here.

Please help free my kitten from the hold this darkness has on her! I cannot do this alone and fear this is my last hope! I just want my little Katerina back!

xoxo.

[Episode Premieres Wednesday 10/15 at 9pm only on A&P/AnimalPlanet]

Advertisements

I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together

 

Good evening everyone. I was listening to my music on shuffle when the song “Bent” came on by Matchbox Twenty. Not only do I just LOVE that song but the lyrics are just so relateable I felt the urge to blog about it.

I am sure most of you have heard the song but just in case you havent (or maybe you need a refresher) I will include one of the verses for you:

Shouldn’t be so complicated. Just hold me and then, hold me again. Can you help me I’m bent, I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. Keep breakin me in and this is how we will end, with you and me, bent.”

I am sure everyone can relate when it comes to a relationship that completely takes everything from you. So much that in the end you are afraid to move on and date anyone else because a part of you feels missing, like your ex took it with them, when the relationship ended.

This song to me sounds like the person meets someone new but before anything gets serious asks them if they can help fix what was broken by their last relationship. Of course it is not anyone else’s responsibility to take care of you or make everything better but what the artist is saying does make sesne, it shouldn’t be so difficult, your heart is broken why wouldn’t being loved by someone new repair it?

It might not be easy but I do believe that it is up to us to repair our broken hearts and I also think that the next person to love you definitely plays their part in putting all the pieces back together <3

xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Torn by The Fire and the Sea]

For you I’d break these walls, I’d choose to fall, I’m gonna cross that line for you.

 

Hello everyone! I know its been far too long since my last post and I definitely have an explanation. See I purchased a domain name and I’m in the process of making that transition so my blog can have its official website URL. On top of that I’m in school again and still working full time (also trying to maintain a life) I think you all catch my drift.

For today’s  post I wanted to touch on the subject of sleeping with your exes. We all know it’s a grey area when it comes to an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, it is the last person you felt comfortable with, and we all love regressing to what is comfortable. But here is the question: is it crossing a line to go back to an ex for physical purposes? Obviously I say it is not the best idea to go back to an ex and give the relationship another go (let’s be honest they are an EX for a reason) but what is the REAL harm in getting what you both need without any strings attached.

Only problem with the whole “no strings” is that they are your ex so emotional attachment is BOUND to be there no matter how “over” them you claim to be. So there is an issue right there. UNLESS you are able to get this taken care of in the form of “closure”…. You know what I mean by that, where there is that tiny unresolved piece from your past relationship, and you just can’t quite figure out how to take care of it and let them go. So you sleep with them and *poof* like magic you feel NOTHING and you are finally able to move on with your life.

We are all guilty of harboring feelings for an old flame and there is nothing wrong with it. The truth is that sometimes you never really get over them until you repair yourself from what they broke in you and give the fully restored version to the next one who will be the next chapter in your life. Most people prefer to erase that person completely and forget that part of their life ever happened in order to fix themselves and move on. And you know what if that works for you then so be it.

Others prefer to have that “one last time” moment with their ex. Just like a great book that you couldn’t ever put down, because the story was so captivating it engulfed you in every page, sometimes you want to go back and re-read it one more time. Not because you think the ending will change but because you remember how good you felt while you read it. And even if  the story doesn’t go on forever, and you know it still ends the same, it is still worth the read. Because you loved it that much.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Cross That Line by Joshua Radin]

The Monsters in my head are scared of Love.

Hello everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend (I know I definitely did). I spent Friday through Sunday in Las Vegas relaxing in a beautiful Venetian Suite by day and partying to Skrillex and Diplo by night! All good things must end and now I am home wishing I were still there because reality can be such a bummer.

I know you are all used to me ranting on and on about my cynical views on love, and even though I constantly insist that I am NOT cynical when it comes to relationships, I am sure most of you don’t believe me haha. Here is the honest truth though: Love seriously terrifies me. I mean it. I can handle ANY scary movie out there. I actually enjoy the adrenaline rush I get from fear. But meeting someone and letting my guard down, giving them the potential to hurt me, that has got to be the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I think my biggest worry has been that I will meet that “someone” and we will be together and be happy and whatever, and then one day he will just wake up and not love me anymore, but feel obligated to me or something and stay in the relationship even though he isn’t happy anymore. I think this stems from witnessing all the unhappiness around me. Divorce, adultery, lying, cheating, manipulation, and etc. Like I said in my previous post, my Venus is in Pisces (astrologically speaking), and I believe that makes me even more empathetic when it comes to feeling what happens to those around me. It is like this quote I heard in one of my favorite films “The United States of Leland” where Ryan Gosling’s character is explaining the two ways of seeing the world: that you can either see the sadness that is behind everything, or you can choose to keep it all out.

It covers my eyes. It’s all I can see. Say there’s some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won’t let play because he tells corny jokes and no one thinks they’re funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they’re gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can’t even look each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.”

That is how he describes being the type of person who sees the sadness all around us, it is the best way I can describe how I feel all of the time, and it literally causes my heart to hurt on a daily basis. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be one of those people who keeps that out I really don’t and I wish I did. I wish so badly to be one of those people who can just allow myself to be loved despite the risk involved because I want it trust me I want it so bad. But I find it so much simpler to just be alone and not even put myself through the mess. I mean tell me, how can I even begin to allow myself to dive head first into a commitment when all around me I see married couples in open relationships and guys who have serious girlfriends but are talking to me about sleeping with me? Because there is no way in hell I want to be the wife who stays home while my husband brings his girlfriend to Vegas, and I definitely don’t want to be the girlfriend who finds out my boyfriend has been cheating on me but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to “hurt me”, I just don’t even know what to think anymore all I know is that my walls are up and it is not for no reason. All of a sudden I can’t sleep again and I am beginning to question so many things as I continue to move forward in my life and I just want to know what is the point of it all? What is the point of feeling so empty without the ultimate outcome being that I become full?

And in the end, we are all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Bruised by Jacks Mannequin]

You brought out the best in me. A part of me I’ve never seen…

Hello everyone and happy Wednesday! So I have been feeling rather nostalgic lately and I am not sure if it is just because of the time of year it is or if it is just for any random reason but this post is going to be less “cynical anti-relationship Kara” and more “romantic loving love Kara”.

I discovered recently by doing a thorough reading of my Birth Chart that my Venus is in Pisces. This actually caused one of those “light bulb” moments in that now I understand why  I constantly feel so empathetic towards other relationships as opposed to my own. For example, when I witness other men and women going through turmoil my heart just hurts for them and I want to do whatever I can to fix them, but I am never concerned with my own heartache to the same degree. Or why I can spend all of my free time watching these great but sad films revolving around some sort of love story, which at some point I always connect with and feel so much emotion towards, but have never once attempted a real love story of my own.

Okay. That last sentence may not be entirely true. There was once a time where I did finally succumb to love and allow my story to be written. I actually got a decent amount of chapters filling up the delicate binding in which holds my fragile life together. And I was happy. I mean genuinely, positively, “the world seems brighter the grass looks greener”, happy. I mean up until this point, I had no idea there could be another person on this planet who could have the ability to understand me, without TRYING to because it is a challenge for them. I mean being with him really did erase all the darkness from my past and allowed me to envision a future. Like the song says above I really did feel like our feelings for one another were made for the movies. At a time in my life where I had given up believing in myself because, why should I? No one else seemed to. Here comes this guy who believed in me, saw something in me that I couldn’t even see, and best of all he made me believe in myself.

Now, I am not sure if it is the side effects of growing up in a broken home with the only example of relationships/marriage being divorce, or if it is because I am an Aquarius and let’s just face it we are pretty much the hardest people to get to commit to anyone. But I have this terrible tendency of being hot and cold when it comes to relationships. I will be all in and then I will be very distant and detached. When I am all in there comes a moment of panic where I fear that things are just going too well and I am too happy which inevitably means something bad is going to happen leading me to distance myself as a means of protection from heartache. It is all very twisted and messed up and I am not a fan of this behavior one bit. But of course this game went on throughout our relationship and trust me he had his issues too which came into play on top of mine ultimately creating a volatile relationship which of course became violent in the end. I know we all wish we could go back in time and do something differently in hopes it would have worked out but we all know we can’t do that so our only option is to move forward and heal from the pain caused by this heartache. Then once we are healed we can do it right the next time (or at least better).

Some say I have not dated because I have some high expectations of this “fairytale” relationship. My response to that is, “So what?”. I really don’t think it is that ridiculous to hope I meet someone who makes me feel as if the world is moving in slow motion or who looks at me and makes it difficult for me to catch my breath. I also don’t think it is absurd to hope I meet someone I cannot imagine spending a minute without, that when we are apart we miss each other, so that when we see each other it is butterflies all over again. I don’t think that is crazy because I’ve had that before. So if I’ve had it before I can have it again. And I try not to compare guys to my past relationship but in that sense I will have my standards high because I am not going to date someone who doesn’t give me that rush of adrenaline and excitement when we are together. If I do then I am just settling and I refuse to settle just because people tell me that is just how life is: you meet someone, you share common interests, the person is nice with a good job and will be a good parent, so you get married and live mediocre robotic lives together until you die. Or worse, get divorced, so you can put your kids through a miserable upbringing causing them to have the same intimacy issues you have thanks to YOUR parents.

Thanks to nostalgia I have considered the possibility of this not being possible due to the idea that perhaps you only get one shot at a “fairytale” romance. There is nothing worse than thinking back on your past and wondering if you will ever have that again (I mean the good times not the bad). This doesn’t mean you’re not over your ex because trust me I am over him, it has been years and I don’t think about getting back together or anything like that, but I do wonder if he was it. I wonder if I will meet someone who just makes sense physically, emotionally, and mentally, like he did. Or if I will meet someone who almost does but just not quite as much. How can you not be constantly let down in the dating scene when you have yet to meet someone who is actually worth getting ready and leaving your house for? I do my best to reassure myself that if my ex was meant to be the Universe would have made it happen. Unless it was that my timing was off which is a definite curse of mine.

All I want is, all I need is, to find somebody. I’ll find somebody… Like You.”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: All I Want by Kodaline]

The Potential You’ll Be, That You’ll Never See, The Promises You’ll Only Make…

Hello Thursday! It has been so long since I have written anything, still getting back into the swing of things since my vacation, so hopefully I can get right back into it.

Today I decided to write about a song that has become my personal favorite recently. I literally cannot stop listening to it on repeat because it is just so good and has such a powerful message to me. The song is by Elliot Smith called Between the Bars (if you haven’t heard it I recommend you go listen like ASAP). When I first heard it in the movie Stuck in Love with Logan Lerman I of course associated it with being a love song, I mean the scene in the movie was in regard to a romantic relationship, and the movie was obviously all about love haha.

Anyway, the more I listened, the more I heard an entirely different song. At first I was thinking a guy was singing to a girl promising to make her feel better. Then I realized the point of view of the lyrics are not from a boy but from a bottle of alcohol (or any substance for that matter). Once I came up with that interpretation the song really began to resonate with me. With lyrics like:

“People you’ve been before that you don’t want around anymore”

  just reminds me of my days of using when even the thought of who I had been before the drug use would just upset me so much. I didn’t want to be that person anymore, because of the person I had become, so I tried to forget the old me. In a way I could feel the more I got high the more I was slipping away from myself, and anytime I was reminded of who I was, the drugs would just call out to me. The thought of being sober and confronting my real issues scared me and I just wanted out. Honestly at that point I didn’t think I could go back even if I wanted to.

“Drink up one more time, and I’ll make you mine, keep you apart here in my heart. Separate from the rest where I like you the best”.

 Again this song in particular is about alcohol but really anyone could listen and think of any substance they’ve ever relinquished control to. The words are so perfect, I mean any substance prefers you to be isolated, those lyrics depict that beautifully. I remember how often I sat and thought about everything I could have been but of course could never get there. I was just making empty promises to myself and only the drugs knew that.

“Where I’m seeing you there
With your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught”

Anyone can tell you that when you are in the grip of an addiction that is the only comfort you seem to find anywhere. It isn’t that no one is there for you, sometimes you have PLENTY of people trying to help you, but no one understands you. The only thing that truly gets you and is there for you when you need it is the thing that is causing you the most harm. Of course you will never figure that out until you are completely done with giving in to that temptation of empty promises.

I am a huge fan of Elliot Smith and I do know he struggled with alcoholism for a long time which is why it makes perfect sense for the song to be about that. But I am a girl and we really love to jump to the conclusion that most songs are love songs with some guy promising us the world. At the same time though, even after making this connection to the song, it is still a love song. I am sure I am not the only person to say that you don’t just DO things you are addicted to. You have a relationship with them. You are committed to them and only them. NOTHING else matters not even your own well being. That being said, technically this song still is a love song, isn’t it?

It feels good to be back in LA and be writing again. The only thing that could make it better are your responses/requests/questions so let me have it!

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Between the Bars by Elliot Smith]

“To be or not to be?” Now, that is the question, isn’t it?

Hello all of my beautiful blog readers!!! It is Tuesday which means I am in Oregon and it is storming right now!!!  So I am stuck inside but at least it gives me time to write a post! Obviously I have been on a serious 90’s kick lately (well when am I not on a 90’s kick honestly) but I decided to switch it up a bit and turn the focus to one of my other passions which is film. I, like most of you, absolutely LOVE filling my free time with watching movies. My question for you is how many of you knew that some of the movies you were watching were ACTUALLY modern renditions of Shakespeare plays? I am sure if you were Shakespeare fans like me then you caught on pretty quick (or if maybe the movie shared the same title lol) but there are a lot of people who paid NO attention during English class and really had NO IDEA. This sparked my interest and brought about today’s post.

Let’s start with my absolute FAVORITE modern day Shakespeare movie adaptations:

r&j2Everyone should know this movie. If you don’t then you need to stop reading this and go rent it. RIGHT NOW. I’m serious. Anyway while those of you who have clearly been living under a ROCK are out doing that lol the ones who have seen it can continue reading. Why is this one of the greatest film adaptations of all time? Where do I even begin… For starters Baz Luhrmann is the director and his resume speaks for himself. If you don’t know who Baz Luhrmann is *shakes head*then I am happy you are at least reading this post because he is brilliant and you should really check out his work.  He is most notable for what is called “Red Curtain Cinema” which is seen in Romeo and Juliet, Moulin Rouge, and Strictly Ballroom; all three films open with a Red Curtain (similar to if you were at the theater) and allow the audience to understand how the movie will end from the opening sequence. They are made up of the same plot: unlikely couples who fall madly in love, and although all three are completely different movies, they are known as “The Red Curtain Trilogy”.

romeojuliet

What makes Romeo and Juliet so magnificent is that while it is a modernization of Shakespeare’s play it still retains the original Shakespearean dialogue. And while you think that might seem so weird, considering everything else appears to be in that current 90’s time except the way they are speaking, it actually isn’t weird at all. I barely even noticed it and thought it would be weird done any other way. The changes made from the original play to the modern film were done so beautifully because they all still went together as if it were the same.

For example: The rival families in the movie were simply just two warring business empires, one run by Montague, the other run by Capulet. This helped bring about understanding to what the families were feuding over (since back in Shakespearean time those feuds were over things we just wouldn’t fight over now).romeo2

Also, they couldn’t very well have a sword fight in the middle of a beach and have it make sense, but the guns that took their place were labeled “Dagger” and “Sword”. The fierce competition between the companies was obviously spread down to the younger relatives within each family (just like in the play) only the younger boys are depicted almost as if they are in Gangs.capuletmontague

Another modern aspect of the film was of course when Mercutio has invitations to sneak the Montague Boys into the Capulet party and he gives Romeo Ecstasy. Luckily it was a costume party of course and also holds one of my all time favorite movie scenes: The Fish Tank.

romeo

That is where they fall in love at first sight and shortly after discover, how do they put it, “My only love sprung from my only hate”. I am sure you all know the rest even though this movie does a really beautiful twist on the whole thing. From the costume and set design to the casting (I mean Paul Rudd and Jamie Kennedy? So great) to the soundtrack which includes Garbage, The Cardigans, and Radiohead who Baz Luhrmann actually requested to write a song for the film. The band was sent the last 30 minutes and Tom Yorke said “When we saw Claire Daines hold the Colt 45 against her head, we started working on the song immediately”. The title is “Exit Music (For a Film)” and although it wasn’t released on the movie soundtrack (at the bands request) it was later released on Radiohead’s album: “OK Computer”.

Okay moving on to the next (I promise the others won’t be as long):

10things

EVERYONE who is ANYONE knows this movie. It was the first movie we all remember seeing that beautiful Australian actor for the first time. Heath Ledger. Add to the mix the little Joseph Gordon Levitt! Yeah you all know him but he is not so little anymore!!! Julia Stiles was the star girl (which you will see how many much she loved doing these Shakespeare remakes) and Andrew Keeegan if you can remember him at all.

In case you all watched this movie a million times with no idea that is was an adaptation of a Shakespeare play I will help you out right now. Remember reading The Taming of the Shrew? Well, this lovely film was the modern version of that, only minus the Shakespearean dialect and plus tons of teen angst. They’re all in high school, there is one sister who can’t date until the other (Stiles) does, so the popular guy (Keegan) pays the outcast guy (Ledger) to take her out. The plan backfires and Ledger falls for Stiles and Joseph Gordon Levitt gets the other sister. YAY! Of course no one can forget the memorable 10 Things I Hate About You poem at the end *tear*.

Let’s see what else do we have….

hamlet

Oh yeah! Remember Hamlet? I would hope you do considering that is where I got the title of this post from and it is probably the most well known line from Shakespeare EVER! Okay so here is another great film because similar to Romeo & Juliet, it is set in modern times, but holds true to the Shakespearean dialect. Hamlet is played by Ethan Hawke and Ophelia is played by Julia Stiles (yep there she is again). Hamlet is a film student in New York and his Uncle takes over as CEO of the “Denmark Corporation” by killing their father. Bill Murray and Casey Affleck also make appearances in the film and subtle things are replaced with modernization (ie. instead of carrying actual flowers Ophelia carries around Polaroids of flowers because she is an amateur photographer).

As I said before about Julia Stiles loving these movies….

o3

Here she is again in the modern day version of Othello. Mekhi Phifer plays Odin James (Othello), or OJ, and is star of the basketball team. Stiles plays Desi (Desdemona) the dean’s daughter and Odin’s girlfriend. Hugo (Iago) is the coach’s steroid-addicted son, played by Josh Hartnett, who plants seeds of doubt in OJ’s mind that leads them all to a violent fate. Roderigo is Roger who has a crush on Desi and easily manipulated by Hugo. Andrew Keegan, another Shakespeare fan apparently, is in this film also as Michael Cassio (Cassio) just another basketball player and friend.

o2

 

This movie is pretty messed up with the plot of convincing Desi’s dad that Odin raped her and slowly taking everyone else down with him so that he can finally have his “day in the spotlight” as he puts it in the voice over in the end. Not a bad movie if I do say so myself, although I am a fan of the original story, Othello is a difficult one to top. It was also intended for release around the time of Columbine so had to be delayed for two years.

 

These last two I am going to do all together and pretty quickly because in my opinion they aren’t really worth talking too much about haha.

Shes-The-Man-Twelfth-NightWe will start with She’s the Man which was inspired by The Twelfth Night. It stars Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum and centers around the plot of Viola entering her brothers school in his place but falling for Tatum in the process. Viola gets cut from the girls soccer team and the sexist coach will not allow her to play with the boys so she poses as her brother who is in London and not returning to school. Later on she comes clean and is allowed to stay on the team. Yay.

Lastly we have Get Over It loosely based off of A Midsummer Nights Dream Kirsten Dunst plays Kelly (Helena), Mila Kunis, and Shane West plays Striker (Demetrius). Other actors include Ben Foster, Sisqo (I know it’s hilarious), Mila Kunis, Zoe Saldana, and Martin Short. get over it

Thus concludes my post on the modern film adaptations of Shakespeare’s most famous works. I definitely recommend Romeo & Juliet if you haven’t seen it yet. Hamlet and O are on my list of recommendations as well! I think it is safe to say you have all seen 10 Things I Hate About You and as for the others… That brings us back to my title. Obviously it is from Hamlet… But my question is: Do you think that some of these film makers should have butchered Shakespeare by making some of these awful films? I didn’t even include the Disney Channel original movie Motocrossed (another adaptation of The Twelfth Night). So let me know what you think, which movies were done well and respectfully to Shakespeare and which movies, in your opinion, were not.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Talkshow Host by Radiohead]

“Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be.”

Hello everyone! I’m sure all of you are winding down from your weekend on this wonderful Sunday, I on the other hand, am in bed recovering from a TERRIBLE sunburn! No seriously it’s awful being this pale, a few hours in the sun without sunblock, and I’m done for.

Today’s post is long overdue. I feel I’ve always been somewhat consumed with curiosity over Kurt Cobain. I absolutely love Nirvana, I hate that I was too young to really know who he was when he was alive, but am thankful for the mark he left on the world (and thankful for Dave Grohl lol).

“We don’t mean to be really cryptic or mysterious, but I just think lyrics that are kind of different and weird and spacey paint a nice picture, you know? It’s just the way I like art.” -Kurt Cobain

Obviously when anyone thinks of the grunge genre only one band comes to mind and that’s Nirvana. They basically changed the face of music forever. I spent an entire weekend watching documentaries on Kurt Cobain and they were so interesting. One of them titled “About a Son” is just random footage of Washington, narrated by Kurt Cobain’s answers to an interview. The one thing he said that stuck with me was something along the lines of “When I was a kid I was convinced I was from another planet, and my parents weren’t really my parents, but just taking care of me while my real parents were on our home planet. And I thought there were tons of other kids who were the same as me and their parents dropped them off here with these loaner parents too”. I just thought that was something worth remembering. I mean how many of you as kids had the feeling you just didn’t belong? Like your family wasn’t really your family? I know I felt that way tons of times. There are actually moments I still feel that way to this day, not that I don’t love my family or anything, I just feel so different and out of place sometimes. Unfortunately there are circumstances where those thoughts and feelings stick with us, and after watching the documentary I thought maybe Kurt Cobain continued to feel that way, which is maybe what created his rise and his fall.

“They laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at them because they’re all the same.” -Kurt Cobain

The other documentary I watched was called “Kurt & Courtney”. Oh yes, Courtney Love, you all know her right? Of course you do. Well this was all about the conspiracy theories that surround Kurt Cobain’s “suicide”. There are so many different thoughts and opinions on the subject, obviously a lot of loose ends involved with his death, and many people who adored Kurt Cobain jumped at the chance to accuse Courtney Love. I am definitely on the fence about it lol I mean I have my suspicions! But yes obviously the logical thing is suicide I get that. Given what is known of his life he was a heavy heroin user and had attempted suicide a few times already so it wouldn’t be completely out of the blue. But his daughter was just born, there are so many happy photos taken of them together, it just makes me so sad!

“I knew that when I had a child, I’d be overwhelmed, and it’s true. I can’t tell you how much my attitude has changed since we got Francis. Holding my baby is the best drug in the world”.” -Kurt Cobain

I guess in the end none of that really matters anymore. All that matters is that we are lucky enough to remember Kurt Cobain (if we are old enough to lol) and what Nirvana did. Even better is we have their music which lives on forever and NEVER gets old. Also we got The Foo Fighters from Dave Grohl after Nirvana parted ways. In my opinion the 90’s brought about some of my favorite bands and I honestly hate that I wasn’t old enough to really understand everything as it was going on. I am thankful for my older brothers though because they showed me most of the music I listen to and they have some pretty damn good taste! RIP Kurt Cobain and RIP Nirvana.

“In the last few weeks I was talking to Kurt a lot… We had a musical project in the works, but nothing recorded. He loved Courtney and Francis Bean. He loved Krist and Dave. He really loved those guys and he loved Nirvana. His death is a profound loss and I really don’t think I can say anything else.” Michael Stripe (REM)

“I don’t think any of us would be in this room if it weren’t for Kurt Cobain”. -Eddie Vedder (the night after Kurt’s body was found)

image

xoxo.

[Currently Watching: “Too Young To Die: Kurt Cobain” – Full Film Below]

 

Viva Las Vegas!

Well I hope everyone had a fabulous 4th of July weekend! I know I sure did! Let me start out by saying I absolutely LOVE having a 3-Day weekend but it sure is rough coming back to work (especially if you spent your weekend like I did!)

I can’t even believe that it had been almost two whole years since I had been in Vegas. Seriously. I mean technically I officially flew out October 11th, but leading up to that starting September 24th I was in jail, so I don’t really consider that time “being” in Vegas, I mean I was in a cell so I really could have been anywhere lol. Then the three weeks before that I had been in New York so yeah, point being, almost two years since I had been to Vegas until this last weekend lol.

When my friends invited me to tag along on there already planned Vegas trip I won’t lie I was a little hesitant. I mean I don’t have really any decent clothes suitable for extremely hot weather nor do I have many options for a night out. There was also the fact that the last time I was in Las Vegas I was literally being escorted from jail to rehab lol. I understand that some people might not find that humorous, but honestly looking back after two years, I can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous I was. For those of you who may think it difficult to find humor in your own misfortunes there is a quote from one of my ALL TIME favorite movies [Garden State] that has always stuck with me:

What do you do? You laugh. I’m not saying I don’t cry, but in-between I laugh, because I realized how silly it is to take life too seriously. If you can’t learn to laugh at yourself then life is gonna seem a whole lot longer than you’d like.”

But seriously, all jokes aside, I was actually a little nervous. Not because I thought that I was going to get back there and throw away all the progress I have made. I am actually VERY confident in myself and have a pretty good sense of self control. It was just a tiny little feeling of nerves for which I had no real explanation because I seriously didn’t know what they were stemming from. I just assumed the feelings I had were from a combination of things: excitement of being on a vacation with my friends in VEGAS, nerves of going to Vegas, curiosity of how I may feel once I’m in VEGAS, and etc.

Long story short ALL of that nonsense just faded away as soon as I caught sight of the Las Vegas Strip. Hannah checked into our room at the Monte Carlo, Keira made the cocktails and the rest of the weekend created itself! I won’t give an entire play by play, because let’s face it, a weekend in Vegas would be a novel. I’ll try to sum it up as best I can without losing the essence that is LAS VEGAS.

Night 1 We played Black Jack with Canadians until the sun came up and we were all winners eh! There was an attempt made at the Craps table by Keira, Hannah, and I between the hours of 10pm and sunrise but that was short lived seeing as uhh it’s not as easy to win money there (oh well at least we got to roll the dice). Oh, and I witnessed a brilliant rendition of Ice Ice Baby, performed by none other than The Geary sister’s (not even joking, they seriously put Vanilla Ice to shame). #YOLO

Day 2 We drank pitchers of Mojitos by the pool where apparently 40 year old men enjoy wrestling and also teaching us about weather patterns. After all that excitement we returned to our room and watched THREE very dramatic Lifetime movies while waiting for our second wind.

Night 2 We wore fur coats, I know what you’re thinking; “Fur Coats in Vegas?!” Crazy right? WRONG. We had to wear the coats because we were hanging out inside of a bar made of ICE (Minus5 Ice Bar). It was pretty much one of the coolest things I have ever experienced. Our shots and drinks were all inside of cups literally made of ice, Hannah and I even took a shot out of an Ice Sculpture, and we got some really cool photos (Julio the photographer: you still have my heart). After that we went to check out the new-and-improved Drais on the roof of the Cromwell (yeah it is no longer in a basement). It was pretty nice, definitely less sketchy than when it was a basement, but it was almost exactly like the Drais on top of the W in Hollywood. So it was kind of like Deja Vu for me. I guess it was bigger and probably nicer, I am not too sure since we weren’t inside very long before three lovely British boys bumped into us on the patio. Naturally I initiated a conversation which wasn’t difficult for me because I am so charismatic and outgoing… Okay okay it’s actually because I am a die hard Harry Potter fan and, I mean come on, these guys were British! So I did what I do best and started off with asking if they’re Harry Potter fans (yeah I’m a nerd I know this already). Lol. So we were heading down to play Black Jack and they decided to join us, seems odd for us to leave the club to gamble, but the Black Jack tables were very kind to us girls all weekend. After an hour or so the ladies decided to turn in early because we were leaving at 6am to drive home but to me that translated to all-nighter. It was our last night in Vegas after all. So I just continued to gamble with my new friends and took my first EVER trip to the Stratosphere since I went on the ride as a kid (for good reason too, that area is so ghetto). It was on the way there that I  had some pretty interesting conversations about whether or not Kurt Cobain killed himself (even got to hear some great sing alongs to Come as You Are in the cab). At the hotel the discussions contributed to favorite movies/directors/actors, why Cali drivers go in the slow lane to pass you when you’re in the middle lane, how we have intersections and they have roundabouts, I mean the list goes on…

Oh yeah, and I was told that when I go to London I am guaranteed discounted tickets to Harry Potter World, and I will be holding them to that.

10527867_10154386515255441_723544051946855379_n 10460211_10154386514995441_729279469459377153_n  1939955_10154386552330441_3947638060973295840_n10489689_10154386540910441_2711955411443191929_n

So as you can see, the trip was a definite success, especially when you come home with the money back that you had spent on the trip itself. I am forever grateful for the game of Black Jack and whoever created it. I got home at 10am and slept until I literally had to wake up for work the next day hahaha I definitely needed that rest though. And now I am back to reality of working. Living my boring old life with no awesome British boys to hangout with and no Bars made of ice to go to. Just me and little Kat in my studio in the Valley, working a 9-5, having the same friends I’ve had forever… Hmm. I must say though, for a boring life full of normalcy, I think it is pretty damn good <3

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Jilted Lovers by The Naked and Famous]

What a slut TIME is… She screws everybody.

Hello everyone! Ugh I know it has been SO long since my last post; I have been working A LOT of extra hours trying to save some money for 4th of July in Vegas!

Today’s post is all about Timing, as you can see from the post title quote (courtesy of Fault in Our Stars) and also the photo and quote pictured above. I don’t know about all of you but one thing I absolutely despise is when Time just refuses to stay on the same clock as me…

For example: Why is it that when I am ready and willing to jump into a relationship there are NO potential suitors? Like, I put in all this effort to make myself look nice and presentable, only go out and see absolutely NO ONE of interest. It’s not even like I’m super picky either, okay who am I kidding, I’m a woman of COURSE I’m picky. But I definitely don’t set standards that are completely out of my reach, I actually think my standards for potential boyfriends is pretty logical, with the exception of Ansel Egort of course (hey you never know lol). Moving on…

How frustrating is it being a single guy/girl? To go out without finding at least one person worthy of a little innocent flirting. Sure you could go along with it and give one of those options a chance… I personally am not a strong believer in the whole “dating for the sake of dating” or “better than being alone” way of living that everyone else has grown so accustomed to. Honestly I think those are two of the worst reasons to be with someone. Call me old fashioned, but I believe the act of dating was designed to find your future husband/wife, not to mask your fears/insecurities. Trust me, whatever you’re distracting yourself from will eventually poke its head out of the water and when they do you can expect an immense amount of turmoil to follow.

Truth is, EVERYONE ends up alone at some point (no life is not like the Notebook. It’s very unlikely that you and your husband/wife will die sleeping in each others arms). I advise taking advantage of your youth to work on loving yourself to eliminate those weaknesses holding you back. That way when you do find THE ONE, you will actually be capable of loving them the way one should be loved, and accepting it the same way.

Let’s continue… Another issue I have with that little floozy we all know as “Time” is the other side of the spectrum. That point in your life when you really don’t want to be in a relationship (yes some of us do want to focus on our own happiness before signing our lives away in exchange for a life making someone else happy) but of course good ol’ Time has something else in mind. All of a sudden you can’t even go to the grocery store without being asked out or hit on, and if it’s happening at the store just imagine how much worse it is at bars. Say goodbye to “girls night” and hello to the guy/girl who ends up joining your table at one point in the evening. Oh, and don’t even try to explain that you’re not dating and why, because all they register from that is “I’m no easy feat, I’ll be a huge challenge, try and win me!”.

It slightly offends me whenever I’m on a dating hiatus, and in the attempt to politely explain it to a guy, his response is an attempt to CONVINCE me that I don’t want to be alone I actually want a relationship…with him… obviously. Uhm hello, I think I am of sound enough mind to know what it is that I want, but thanks for your opinions of how I am living my life confused and unhappy because I am single. However, trying to fault them for it is useless, for they’re just on a different schedule than you; They want a relationship but no one they meet is ready or willing (you know what that’s like remember?).

Perhaps a solution to these issues with Time would be for all of us to buy the same watch? Just a thought.

I will end this post with a brief visit to one more example of Time related nonsense, the one time zone I haven’t mentioned, because it just hurts my heart to even think about… In this moment you’re in the second instance of time, not even thinking about finding someone or dating, you meet that one person who is absolutely perfect for you. You just KNOW right then and there, it’s magnetic, and it’s the most common circumstance of finding someone in the same TIME zone as you are… Only it “isn’t the right time”. And sure you tell yourself, hell you might even tell each other, that when the timing is right you two will find one another and be together. But come on, let’s be honest, how often do you hear of that happening?

Because I knew that you would be all right
And in my heart, you would stay a while with me
And we danced until the morning light
And you said to me, you said we’ll be all right
Yeah, we’ll be all right”

xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Be Alright By Lucy Rose]

Love is only a great thing because we know what it feels like to have our heart broken… What it feels like to be alone.

 

Good morning everyone and hello Saturday! It has been a few days I know, I had a friend visiting from Las Vegas, and it was hard enough to balance time between work and showing her around that blogging was just not an option.

On my last post I received such a lovely comment by an anonymous reader. In the comment he shared with me of a current predicament he is having about his ex girlfriend. He said that they dated for 3 years and in the end he was unhappy in the relationship and was okay with it being over. Now, years later, she is with a new guy and just had a baby. This brought past feelings back up it the surface and has left him upset and confused. He then requested I write a post about lessons you can learn from your exes/past relationships and/or what to do when these old feelings come resurface for no reason at all. So, I want to say thank you for the kind compliments on my writing and for being a dedicated reader, and I hope today’s post gives you the help you are seeking.

To start out, I know that everyone has been in this position at least once in their life, it’s like a right of passage or something to see the one you used to be happy with, happy with someone else. Especially nowadays with social media sites and etc… It’s even easier to causally stumble upon a picture or comment showing you a glimpse of what they’re up to and who they’re dating. It’s pretty much torture. But still we all do it to ourselves time and time again. Even if we don’t go looking for it we still end up hearing it from mutual friends so we really have no way of escaping that inevitable “feels like I just got punched in the stomach” moment. So obviously if you just broke up like barely a month ago and they have already moved on then that totally sucks and there is no questioning why you’re upset about them dating already. But if it’s been like years and you’ve already had closure and dealt with the breakup, then seeing your ex getting married or something stirs your emotions up, that’s when you might ask the question “wtf why do I even care?!”

When the reader came to me with this problem he asked for help because he didn’t understand why he was feeling this way. So many people have this thought process when it comes to ex girlfriends/boyfriends and I think it’s a defense mechanism to ensure they won’t be hurt by the breakup any longer than they absolutely have to. But people often convince themselves that once they are “over it” (meaning no longer thinking of them, texting them, talking about them, etc) they become invincible to being affected by anything associated with that ex. So, they see their ex announcing their wedding or baby or any other life event that may catch their eye, they get that rush of emotions and they’re like “I don’t understand. I’m over them.” And etc… Well here’s a news flash for all of you: deep down you do understand. You may not see it in that moment or maybe your pride is preventing you from admitting it to yourself but you know those feelings NEVER go away. I mean if you spent a significant amount of your life with that person then it doesn’t matter how long it’s been or how okay you are being broken up.

Sometimes things don’t work out between people and it’s nobody’s fault”

There will always be those certain moments when you see something in their life and the wheels in your head start to turn with all of the “what if’s”. What if you stayed together? Would it have worked out? Would you two be planning a wedding or expecting a baby? Maybe these exact questions aren’t running through your mind but your emotional reaction may as we’ll be those questions translated into that “feeling in the pit of your stomach”. Most of the time it’s not even really about them, it’s really your own insecurities being cloaked by the idea that you want them back, emotions can be super tricky sometimes. You could be at a point where you’re wanting to settle down yourself and you just haven’t met “the one” yet, and you see the last important person in your life doing these things, so even though you want to be happy for them you cannot help but dwell on the idea that it “should be you”.

As far as your question goes, what to do when this situation arises and what lessons can be learned from your ex, well the answers sort of go hand in hand. You sit back and you remind yourself of how lucky you are to have loved someone that much, so much that you STILL get knots in your stomach when you see them living their life with someone else, some people don’t even come close. So instead of spending your time dwelling on the past or feeling sad and alone, focus on how good it was to know what being loved feels like, and the confidence that you will definitely feel it again when you meet the right person.

Well yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, I guess what I’m feeling is like a, beautiful sadness.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Radio by Alkaline Trio]

Don’t just stand there sayin nice things to me…

Hello everyone! I know it has been like… FOREVER since my last post. I apologize. Who knew life with a new baby kitten would be SO time consuming? Okay maybe I did a little bit, but still, I was hoping I would still find time to do the things I enjoy! I guess that is the harsh reality of parenthood am I right? Hahaha.

Anyways, about today’s post, it isn’t generally inspired or directed toward anyone in particular (which usually my posts are). Basically I have been pondering over the subject of “compliments”  lately and I just felt it was something I had to get off my chest.

I dunno about all of you but nothing makes me feel MORE awkward than a compliment about my looks. Like, what do I even say in return, I mean isn’t it kind of weird to acknowledge the appreciation of your physical appearance with total ease and comfort? Now a compliment in regards to my mind/intelligence/sense of humor that is a whole other story. Because you see I actually worked hard for those things, learning in school and reading books and the sense of humor well I guess that could run in the family but it also takes practice. I did not work for my looks at all, I just ended up this way, through the miracle of genetics (and overcoming that awkward stage, ya you all know the one I’m talking about, thank God that faded out). My point is how unbelievably weird it is to thank someone for something you took no part in. I mean if someone came over to your house and complimented a dinner that your significant other cooked, would you take the compliment and say thank you, or would you allow the one who actually did the work to receive the little boost to their ego? But then again it’s not like when someone says I am pretty I can just respond with “oh, my parents are the one’s who really deserve that, they made me” and then dial them up to hear about what a great job they did in making me so pretty. Thus proving my reaction of complete awkwardness to be the only one that makes any sense.

Moving on from face to face compliments let’s discuss compliments via texting/facebook/twitter/ any social media outlet you use. So I personally find it very amusing the way guys communicate these days. Like let me tell you, the second you text me “hey sexy”, the only response you’re going to get is “no”. I won’t explain myself and I will not text you again after that. Just no. Next, I am not sure why, but I always immediately laugh when I receive a text that also as some reference to my physical appearance. Perhaps it is due to the fact that the person texting me has absolutely NO idea how I look in that exact moment. I mean listen guys, if you text most girls “Hi Gorgeous” and she happens to be having one of those days where she feels she looks terrible, the LAST thing she is going to want to hear is the words “Gorgeous” or “Beautiful”. All that will do is remind them that they happen to look the exact opposite of those two lovely words and they will just feel even worse (crazy I know) it’s not all girls but it is some ESP depending on that time of the month.

If I really really think about this whole topic of discussion though I would have to say that my main issue is the context and situations in which those words are used. The words “Pretty” “Beautiful” “Cute” and etc are all ways to describe a physical appearance, so I feel it better used upon the arrival of the girl you are seeing when you meet up to hang out, when you ACTUALLY see them and the effort they probably put in to get ready for you. That is when the compliment might want to be received, at least by me anyway, because if I get ready for you then technically that is partially my hard work. When it is used as a greeting via text, it makes me feel as though it is said out of habit, due to the unfortunate lack of self esteem of women nowadays. Most girls are constantly demanding reassurance of their looks in attempt to help their insecurities, making guys feel the need to tell a girl she is beautiful or pretty or whatever, even if it’s a new girl who hasn’t implied any desire to hear it.

Before I sign off I leave you with this:

One compliment can affect a whole lifetime. Be bold and speak life-giving words.”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Push by Matchbox Twenty]

They’ll be no rest for the Wicked…

Well it’s Tuesday…. Don’t you just love going back to work after a holiday weekend? Yeah right, I don’t think anyone enjoys that, besides maybe the fact that you end up with a shorter work week. Always gotta stay positive right? Right.

I am not sure about all of you but my weekend was definitely memorable. I will start by saying that my good friends Keira and Hannah Geary came out, yes the Geary sisters, so that should really sum it up for all of you. I am still going to paint the picture anyway haha. The evening started at my house where we opened a bottle of wine and got ready for our Saturday evening. We had decided to go to the Rabbit Hole since they had never been and I very much enjoy going there. Our Uber showed up and off we went, already a little lushed up from the wine, we arrived ready to take on the night with full force. And we did.

It started slow, just ordering some drinks for them to try, taking photos and stuff. As the night rolled on I witnessed Hannah get picked up and carried around by a very tall dark gentleman, a small dance party between Hannah myself and a Colombian guy, and how could we forget over hearing Hannah ask a guy with NECK TATTOOS if he used makeup to cover up his teardrop…. Quite the evening indeed. I honestly cannot tell you how much we drank but it was A LOT.

Now that you all have a brief rundown of our evening I will continue on to a point I wanted to make in this post. Why is it that there are guys in this world that feel they can be SUCH dbags to girls at bars. Like I am sorry but neck tattoo guy was a serious tool and I am not judging him based on the fact that he had neck tattoos or anything because I know plenty of nice people with tattoos there. I am just saying that he was literally acting as if we should like worship the ground he walked on and it just bothers me so much when guys act that way. Especially to a group of girls who he doesn’t know that are just out having a good time together. Like get over yourself dude.

Oh also, if you do get lucky to get a girls number, I highly recommend not texting them about meeting up to have sex that same night. Like does that usually work for you? It just blows my mind. #MindBlown.

The evening ended with us getting an Uber back to my house and opening yet ANOTHER bottle of wine. Just hanging out talking drunk until like 5am (even though I had to be up at 730 NBD).  In the end it doesn’t matter how much rest you get, because the truth is, no one looks back on those memories and thinks about all that great SLEEP they had.

No there ain’t no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good” -Cage the Elephant

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to No Rest for the Wicked by Lykke Li]

You’re killing me to walk away

Well it is Tuesday which I suppose is better than Monday but it is still the beginning of the work week which is a total bummer. I am sorry for not writing for a while but my life has been SO hectic with closing escrow on my mom’s house and getting that all taken care of with estate sales and what not.

For today’s post I wanted to touch on a common situation that seems to occur in the world of dating and/or relationships. The situation I speak of is when things seem to be going so well in the beginning and then all of a sudden you are no longer getting calls/texts or any show of interest from your significant other. I think I speak for everyone in the WORLD when I say how unbelievably frustrating it is when this happens. I mean here we are thinking everything is working out so nicely and then *poof* they’re gone with no explanation whatsoever.

We have all been here, some of us have probably been the one doing the disappearing act, and I just have to say that the polite thing to do is just COMMUNICATE! You know how all therapists answers to like everything, whether is be marriage dating or families, is always communication? Everyone says how therapy is BS and they always give the same answers which offer no help. Funny thing is that communicating is probably the only answer to life’s many issues when it comes to human relationships. If you are dating someone and at first you are like REALLY into them, then for whatever reason you just aren’t into it anymore, I am pretty sure the solution is not to ignore them. All that does is drive the other person totally crazy wondering what in the world they could have done wrong (it may even lead to endless texts/phone calls) resulting in you getting irritated and calling them crazy which just isn’t nice.

One day soon I won’t be the one who waits for you.”

The questions that come from this situation are in NO WAY crazy either. As it clearly says in the lyrics in the above picture, they basically just want to know why it is that now you don’t want them and won’t return their calls, and the only conclusion is that you were leading them on the entire time. And if at one point you were interested then why not continue putting in the effort to keep them around and make something work? Considering the behavior that is being displayed on the end of the person doing the “dodging” none of that really makes someone a crazy person. Now, if they CONTINUE to call and go back to you when you do answer knowing that it will always end the same way, that is the definition of insanity: doing the same action over and over expecting a different result. But let’s be real here, it is pretty much impossible to walk away from something we really want, especially without an explanation or at least something telling us WHY we are walking away.

Unfortunately, even in writing this post, I can honestly say that this is one of those mysteries that will most likely never be answered. Some people are either too naive to know that they are leading you on. Or they have such low self esteem that they enjoy the idea of you racking your brain for hours on end about him or her, talking to all of your friends about it, and possibly even sitting around waiting for them to show you even the slightest bit of attention again. If you ask me that person is the pathetic one, you should not get down on yourself because that guy or girl lead you on, you should be thankful that you didn’t get stuck dating such an insecure mess.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Where Does The Good Go by Tegan and Sara]

Don’t be so hard on yourself… You can’t get better ’til you get worse.

blog photoWelcome back to reality everyone. The weekend is over and it is back to the work week. I must say I do love working full-time, even though I only get two days off, it really makes me appreciate that free time.

There are many weekends I have where I am fully booked with plans of going out with friends drinking or going to movies. But my favorite part about weekends is the time I have to reflect on my life; where I have come from, where I am now, and where I could be going.

This past weekend was one of reflecting. As I thought about my past, all of the things I have done, it really got me thinking. I can count a number of things that most people would probably judge me for and swear they can’t imagine how I could have done something like that. Now don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware of the things I have done, and some of them definitely are not easy to take ownership of. But hello… I am human. We ALL do things we are not proud of and we are all capable of doing terrible things no matter how high and mighty we think we are. Just because you haven’t done something to the equivalent of what I have done does NOT mean you have any right to look down on me. I may have not been a role model but despite my poor choices I am still like everyone else

“I’m not their hero but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t brave.
I’m not your hero but that doesn’t mean we’re not one and the same.”

Moving away from thoughts on the past to where I am today, and I think I have written this before, I am so shocked at everything turning out the way it has. It makes me feel as if I am living inside of a dream or something. Like at any moment I could wake up and not be here. Full time job, living on my own, surrounded by family and friends… Who knew right? People try to make me feel bad for things I have done, but really I just feel like they might be unhappy with where they landed in their lives, so they bring up my past to see if I will break down or something. Those who do not know my past and are meeting me as I am now just cannot believe that was who I used to be and this is where I have made it to. I think that is the best part, people being as surprised as I am, it literally brings a smile to my face. Obviously there are times when I cannot help but let it bring me down. When myself or others point out the darkest parts of my life, time that I lost and won’t ever get back, traumatic memories I won’t ever be rid of, it feels like I’m just constantly being chased by something that will eventually catch up to me. But then I realize that without all of that I wouldn’t know as much about myself as I do now. There was so much I needed to discover and it is what brought me to where I am today.

Learning all I know now, losing all I did.
I never used to feel like I’d be standing so far ahead”

That is pretty much what it comes down to at this point. I have been through a lot of shit, no more or less than anyone else, just my own. I am sure that it is not over because I am only 26 and I know the type of person I am. I do not take the easy way through anything. I love a challenge even if that means I slip and fall along the way. But I do know that I will keep pushing myself until I am satisfied with who I become. Never once have I actually looked forward to the future… until now.

I do my best to walk the finest line ’till I’ve had all that I can take”

xoxo.

(Photo Credit: Me in Vegas; Taken By: Keira Geary) (Lyrics Credit: “Not Your Hero” by Tegan and Sara)

[Currently Listening to: Gravity by Sara Bareilles]