Good evening friends and blog readers. I must say life has been so stressful lately that I find it hard to even do the thing that most relieves my stress lol. I’m trying to get better about making time to write but with the job hunt I struggle to make any time for myself really.
To make matters worse, on top of job stress, I’ve been pounded into the ground by having these “feelings” that won’t seem to go away, no matter how hard I try. I’m sure you’ve all been there right? It’s the worst. Like I could be a championship fighter and still get defeated by this situation time and time again. I used to be much more qualified at dealing with matters of the heart. And by that I mean I used to purposely not allow my heart to have any feeling at all because of the inevitable outcome of disappointment or heartbreak. Years ago I lived in such a way that I felt protected from any chance of getting hurt. I approached everything with kid gloves and never allowed anyone the opportunity to really know me or get close to me at all. At the end of the day I would leave before they even knew what hit them, “leave before you’re left” was my motto. It felt pretty solid.
Only problem there was that even though I may not have been experiencing “getting hurt”, I was most definitely hurting myself, not to mention how lonely it was. So lonely. People these days just don’t realize how vital it is to have human relationships. Everyone nowadays is just so broken beyond repair that it makes it impossible to get close to anyone. And that isn’t right, people need people and that’s a fact, no matter how badly we want to resist getting close to someone. What are we resisting anyway? Feeling cared about? Being comforted when we need it? Having support from someone who believes in us? More than half the time the reason anything ends is because shit gets too real and subconsciously we begin to resist and the other person feels it and then they start to get paranoid or worry and then the fighting happens and then the end. Not like the fairy tales we heard growing up eh? Yeah, not even close.
The point is that we all want to be close to someone but we don’t want to give up our sense of freedom and that is not what it’s about. Being with someone isn’t supposed to make u feel tied down or trapped it’s supposed to make you feel loved? What’s that he says in Breakfast at Tiffany’s? When she says “I won’t let anyone put me in a cage” and he says “I don’t want to put you in a cage I want to love you”. And then he tells her how the only one who has put her in a cage is herself and etc. which is so true. Even on Grey’s anatomy she says “boundaries don’t keep people out they fence you in” and you can try to act like you’re in control of your life by doing so but you’re not. You begin to live under the control of all the bullshit rules you put on yourself to make sure that you don’t ever let anyone care about you. Sounds like a lovely life to live. And why is it that in the act of resistance we ALWAYS sleep with someone. Why is THAT the act that liberates us from being loved? Like oh yeah I’m feeling so out of control with this whole “relationship” thing so I’m just gonna go have some random dirty empty sex because THAT will make me feel better. Man, human beings are so much more messed up in the grand scheme of things.
So at this point I’m at a cross roads of what I do next. Do I revert to my old ways of just not letting anyone get close to me? Or, since because I have already gotten this far, do I continue to be open to the idea of bein loved in hopes to find someone who may actually do it? I have to decide quickly because I’m already beginning to shut myself off to the whole idea of these annoying emotions.
“Hello my old heart, it’s been so long, since I’ve given you away. And every day, I add another stone to the wall I’ve built around you, to keep you safe.”
-The Oh Hellos-
[Currently Listening to Hello My Old Heart by: The Oh Hellos]