Hello everyone and happy Tuesday. I apologize for taking so long to write but my weekend was just SO busy! I went out of town for a Tegan and Sara concert (which was absolutely divine) and yesterday I was just too exhausted to even consider writing anything.
I was having some serious writers block all day today trying to decide what I should write about. I considered reliving the events from my weekend but I posted them all over my Facebook and Instagram and didn’t want to do that to everyone again hahaha. So as I was sitting here at my desk thinking I should just give up and try again tomorrow, my best friend send me a text bringing up a random thing from my past, which also came up in her past. This sparked my mind into thinking maybe I should write about this… Now obviously I do not want to write about the exact situation that went on (for her privacy and my own) but perhaps I can write about the general idea and still get the point across.
We all do things in our lives that we regret. Maybe we don’t regret them but at some point they pop into our heads and we think “what if”. If we aren’t careful these trips down memory lane can take us to a very dark place making it very hard to find our way out. We are all human so we are all guilty of doing this, whether it be about a boy/girl we broke up with, or even a fight with a friend/family member. The biggest problem we all have is moving forward from things that we have either done to ourselves or to the ones we love. The guilt just swallows us whole and we blame ourselves and everyone around us until we just cannot fathom ever being able to recover. The idea of forgiving ourselves for what we have done is almost impossible to grasp and we begin to enjoy living every different scenario we can dream up of how things could have been had we not done what we are wishing we hadn’t.
Nothing good can come from this darkness. I am not saying that you will drink or do drugs or whatever. I am saying in general, even if you are doing no form of self medicating, it is still very unhealthy to dwell in past mistakes. We cannot always get things right the first time that is just not how the world works unfortunately. Trust me, when I think about this one thing in my past, and where I could possibly be had I done things different, the possibilities can go on forever. But the point is that I didn’t do things different. I am where I am today because of all sorts of things, all having to do with me, not necessarily having to do with this one thing that I wish had gone a different direction. Who knows, what if I had done things differently back then, and ended up miserable right now. There is no way of knowing which is why there is no way to turn back the clock and do things over. What’s done is done. All we can do is continue growing and learning and the next time we land ourselves in the same situation hopefully we are able to do things differently.
I think about this certain memory quite often, and I doubt I will ever stop thinking about it, but I am okay with that. I don’t ever want to forget it no matter how sad it makes me when it does cross my mind. The truth is, I like being able to feel things, even if it’s sadness and regret. It just reminds me that I’m alive.
[Currently Listening to: Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol]