Happy Monday everyone. I will say that this week I am actually TOTALLY okay with it being Monday because I am counting down the days until I go see Tegan and Sara on Saturday in Palm Springs!!! So excited!!
Anyway, as happy as I am about this coming weekend, today’s post is going to be a little on the downer side, warning you in advance. Now I know it is silly to try and place blame on things for our own mistakes in life. I am the Queen of blaming everyone else for my misfortunes and it definitely resulted in me being stuck in my rut for far too long. I spent SO MUCH TIME focusing on how much my parents messed me up which led to my decisions in dating which led to being treated like shit by boyfriends which led to my drug addiction and etc. I was so consumed by this that I was literally convinced that I was not the problem. Everyone else was the problem and I was just facing the consequences of their fuck ups.
Although, there is some truth to the idea that parents shape us into the adults we become, and if they aren’t careful then we could end up entering the real world completely unprepared. If we have unresolved issues with our parents this COULD carry over into our romantic relationships and that is never good. However, once you actually get out into the real world, and you begin to experience the negative effects of these things, well then it is all on you to change it. You can’t just sit there and give up saying “oh well it’s all their fault so there is nothing I can do about it”. That is a little childish don’t you think?
Here is my truth: I was so sad about things that happened in my family during my childhood and teen years that I just wanted to escape. My escape was becoming someone else and burying those insecurities and emotions down deep. Because I shifted all of my focus away from myself and my own problems I was never able to fully get a grip on my life, I was too busy focusing on everyone else and their problems, which dragged me even further down. In the end, the people I spent all my energy trying to “save” didn’t need me anymore and I would end up alone all over again, with nothing of my own because all I had done was get them things for themselves. This resulted in me feeling even worse about myself and my life and how my parents never told me how tough and cruel the world can be and I was just hopeless, bla bla bla. Then comes the drugs. SO MANY DRUGS.
Ecstasy, blow, acid, shrooms, painkillers, and my personal favorite meth. All of the others were just temporary distractions. Stuff you party with but none of them really stuck with me or caused me to lose a job or anything. But meth, that one got me in my lowest point, I was basically looking for something to destroy me and I literally didn’t even have to look for it. It came right to me. The whole time I was with my ex boyfriend I was using all of my energy to make him feel like a better person and convince him of how great he was. While at the same time he was slowly but surely manipulating me into thinking I was this terrible person and in the end when he cheated on me that really was the final nail in the coffin. So there I was allowing my world to crumble around me because “what was the point” and BAM someone just offers me this drug. Nothing was ever the same after that.
The entire time I was using I was so numb to everything. I just didn’t care anymore and that was such a relief. In the end I was so tired of living in this miserable life I just wanted it to be over you know? But no matter what I did, and trust me I did some dangerous shit, I still always managed to survive. So here I am today thinking back about all the times I wished I didn’t have to be here anymore…. and I am so happy that I am still here. That is what keeps me going. I let go of all that blame and anger because the truth is that people make mistakes. Parents, children, brothers and sisters. We all do. Life is hard, people suck most of the time, and pretty much NONE of it is ever really going to be fair. But it is like that for EVERYONE. Since I let all of that negativity go my life just started kind of falling into place, I mean yeah I have had to work at it, but it isn’t such a struggle to work at it anymore. It isn’t such a struggle to be happy anymore.
[Currently Listening: Midnight Coward by Stars]