I will swallow my pride. You’re the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye.

Okay everyone I know that with Christmas approaching everyone may want something warm and romantic to read to spread some holiday cheer. Unfortunately, that is not what you are going to get from this post, so I apologize in advance.

Lately I have been witnessing relationships falling apart around me. I gotta say I am not sure what is worse, going through a breakup myself, or seeing my closest friends go through one and not be able to do anything about it. I am sure most of you are willing to say that it is way worse to be the one experiencing the breakup first hand. I am just not sure. On one side I think, yeah, I recall a time where I felt as though I may never recover over the loss of a boyfriend. But, because of that, I think how awful for one of my friends to be going through that since I know how bad it was for me.

We all have different experiences with relationships but I find that with mine there is a pattern where in the end it is as if I am just begging them to say or do something so that I can change my mind. That is just the worst isn’t it? I mean you just love someone SO much and all you want is for it to work but you have just done everything you can possibly do and you know you have to end it but you don’t want to. So even in the final moments when you are breaking up with them you still give them that one last chance to change your mind so that you can forget about the whole thing and start over. There are times when I look back on it and I think “wow am I pathetic or what” but then again is it pathetic to love someone so much that you aren’t ready to give up hope that it could possibly work out?

Then there is the whole thing where we just DON’T want to admit that we failed at something. Yeah, that isn’t just about jobs or school, it’s also relationships too. When you think about it you put more pressure on yourself with making a relationship work than probably anything else in this world. You have family and friends who are all observing your EVERY move and anytime something goes wrong they are all making assumptions about your ability to do something. So when you have a boyfriend you present him to your friends and family like he is a fucking PRINCE. Then the reality sets in and you start to fight or he does stuff that annoys you (because let’s face it nobody’s perfect) and you vent to your sister or brother or best friend, that’s all it takes, the image they have of him is forever changed. So from then on there is something inside of us that refuses to give up on this relationship for the fear of hearing “I told you so” from the rest of the world. We just want to do something RIGHT for once, is that so hard to ask?

The final reason why we struggle so hard in letting go of the idea that there is a glimmer of hope in the relationship that is crumbling to pieces before our very eyes is, of course, our altered perception of the person we fell in love with. Human beings are a confusing mess of secrets and lies. It isn’t always to intentionally deceive others, sometimes we do it to protect ourselves from getting hurt, and sometimes we just get so lost along the way that we forget the facade we have put up isn’t really who we are. The point is that when you meet someone and you think “wow this guy is so nice and funny and charming and bla bla bla” in a year or two you may begin to discover that he is actually a total asshole who treats you like shit. Unfortunately, you have been dating him for so long that by the time you started to figure this out, you have already fallen in love with the nice guy you thought he was! So the relationship starts to become volatile and you know deep down it is unhealthy so you decide to end it. Then that little voice in your head pops up and says “but wait, remember how he was when you first met, he can be that guy again”. However, that voice happens to be an ignorant little bitch, so it would be best to NEVER take the advice from a voice in your head (not to mention that listening to voices in your head could make people think you are crazy). The point is that if someone was super nice and sweet and loving in the beginning and then somewhere down the line becomes a total jerk and starts calling you things like “slut” or says things like “you’re useless” then chances are, even if deep down he is a nice guy like before, he isn’t anymore. So stop being delusional and get the fuck out of that relationship. LIKE NOW.

I am not saying it is messed up to love someone who is a total piece of shit, because I have done it, I think we all have. I am pretty sure even girls we can admit to a time in our lives where we were in fact the ones who acted like the piece of shit in the relationship. Sometimes, even if it is the guy who turns out to be the asshole it is in fact us girls who drive him to be that way, we can be pretty crazy. So whatever the case may be that the relationship is ending, the point is that it is in fact ending, and when it does you just need to let it go. There is nothing you can do to make something turn out how you want it to. Nothing you could ever do could make someone who doesn’t love you anymore, love you again, even if they loved you once. You can’t change someone else all you can do is change yourself. But you also can’t change yourself because someone wants you to.

At the end of the day, you can beg and plead all you want, but if something were meant to be then you wouldn’t have to.


[Currently Listening to Say Something By: A Great Big World]


2 thoughts on “I will swallow my pride. You’re the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye.

  1. Would you say that you are still holding on to a past relationship? You so vividly describe the ways people feel when going through a break up. So, I’m just curious if maybe you still harbor similar feelings and that’s why the account is so detailed. Amazing work again!

    • I think everyone still holds onto certain parts of past breakups and it’s important to do so. The bad things are held onto the most because you want to make sure you don’t experience those things again in your next relationship. It’s all a learning process. To say you should let it all go is like saying you should let go of all of the failures you made in school which helped you learn. I don’t believe I still harbor feelings for my ex in the sense that I miss him or I want him back, but I do harbor feelings for him as a constant reminder of what I do and do not deserve, and I think that is important. Thank you. Xoxo.

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