Good evening friends and followers. In previous blog posts I have covered the subjects of love and boys and etc. Today I received a comment from a reader who is going through a breakup and they asked me if I would write on the topic of past relationships including my own personal experiences when dealing with the struggles that come along with them. Although I would normally do my best to avoid writing about my ex-boyfriend, which should give you some solace in the fact that some breakups are tough for everyone to deal with, I do think now is the perfect time to get release the feelings I have been holding on to. I mean what better way is there to let go of this part of my past than to write it down with the hopes that someone could potentially benefit from it during their own times of heartache. I have been holding on to it for long enough, trust me.
In my 25 years of life I have had two serious relationships. I don’t know if it is a side effect from being a child of divorce, or having to witness all the melodramatic relationships of my friends in high school, but something made me want to wait before I dove into the dating pool. So during high school I enjoyed being single and I was the shoulder to cry on and vent to for my girlfriends. From my observations I saw so much destruction it really made me wonder if it was even worth it. There was so much lying and cheating it made me sick. So I focused my energy on friendships, and of course, sex (when I reached a certain age of course). I developed some great relationships with my guy friends, got some really good insight into the way guys think, and it really helped me avoid getting too close to anyone.
Unfortunately, everyone knows that as humans all we really want is to be close to somebody, no matter how hard we try to deny it. Eventually I got sick of always being the “friend” who was also fun to sleep with (no strings attached) and I started to feel lonely. When I tried to make one of these “friendships” become something more it totally blew up in my face, and the guy who was there to catch me when I fell, was [name withdrawn for privacy].
I had known him for a few months and he was the nice guy. The kind of guy who noticed you before you noticed him, kept his distance while you figured things out with the bad guy, then was there to pick you up when you fell apart. So he offered me a place to stay (I was kind of couch surfing at the time) and one thing led to the next until we were a couple. We got an apartment and had jobs and met each others families. On the surface it all seemed very ideal. We would each go to work and come home, I would cook dinner, hell we even had a kitten. The only problem was that I’d go to sleep every night with this feeling that it just wasn’t right. We said “I love you” but every time I said it I felt I was lying to him and even worse to myself. One afternoon I was in my kitchen doing the dishes, daydreaming out the window, and that’s when I saw our neighbor walk by. That was the afternoon my life changed.
The end of my relationship with [name withdrawn for privacy] was kind of a blur. I had slowly become better friends with our neighbor and although it was never discussed you could just feel the sexual tension every time we were in a room together. It was like a magnetic force, I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I didn’t want to stop thinking about him. It was so full of passion and intensity I couldn’t get enough. There was something about him that was just so pure and good but it was obvious he was stuck in such a bad situation. He was the epitome of someone dealt the wrong cards in life and I wanted to be the one to change that. He believed in me and he wanted me to be exactly who I was no matter what anyone else thought. We spent every minute together, we enjoyed the little things, and shared so many laughs. But what started out like a dream quickly turned into a nightmare. Our fights were extreme, he spent three months in jail, and a few months after he was released it was only getting worse. Then one day, during a really big fight, he hit me clear in the face. I always told myself I would never be a girl who stayed with a man who hit me. So I packed my bags, and despite all the brainwashing of him telling me I had nowhere to go or that no one loved me but him, I finally just said fuck it and I called my dad asking to move home.
I would love to tell you that it was easy. It should be right? A guy hits you then good riddance. But this guy was my best friend. He was everything to me, and as messed up as it was, I still knew the guy he was capable being. That guy was who I loved, not the asshole who hit me, the one who was my best friend. I knew I couldn’t go back to him after that fight but apparently The Universe had other plans in mind…
I discovered I was pregnant a few months after we broke up. My world turned completely upside down. What the fuck was I supposed to do? The stress and anxiety was almost unbearable. So, I shared the news with [name withdrawn for privacy] and we sat down and discussed what to do. He was ecstatic. He swore to change his ways and promised that things would be different.
Now, I will give him credit here because he made some positive improvements, started working for his dad and treating me better. This memory is one that still haunts me to this day. You see, despite the small improvements, I still had this sinking feeling like this wasn’t going to turn out okay. We were still so young and he was on probation, the last thing we needed was to bring a child into our messy lives, regardless of how badly we wanted to. People can judge me or think I am selfish or whatever, but the truth is that in that moment I knew [name withdrawn for privacy] meant it when he said he would love and care for that baby forever, but at the same time I couldn’t trust that he would love me forever. Coming from a childhood where my parents weren’t together I vowed to NEVER raise a child in a broken home, it just wasn’t fair, when I do have a baby I want them to have a family who is together and loves each other. I made the choice I made because I knew it was the right one, it makes me sad but I don’t regret it, it just wasn’t the right time.
Afterwards, [name withdrawn for privacy] and I decided to try again to make it work, even with the disapproval from my family, so I moved to Vegas to go to school and try to work. The rent was cheaper so I was hoping to save some money while he finished his probation, then we could get a place somewhere together and live happily ever after. Well long story short I made the trips home to visit, even got him an iPhone on my phone plan so we could talk and video chat, which he repaid me for by getting a girlfriend behind my back. I found out a few weeks after my birthday when I went home to visit (the coward wasn’t even man enough to tell me) I found out from other people around town. This is when my world crumbled down. Never in my life had I felt more alone than I did in this moment. I won’t lie to you, I begged for him back, I even met the girl and was NICE to her. I even said he could date us both since I lived a state away (I know I was literally out of my mind) but I didn’t want to lose him, he was all I had. Even with that he still chose her over me.
[name withdrawn for privacy] was the first guy to love me. [name withdrawn for privacy] was the first guy I loved. And [name withdrawn for privacy] was the first guy to break my heart. To make matters worse, he continued to torture me over the next six months by calling and texting me. Like really man? That is the shit that really pisses me off. As if getting over people isn’t hard enough, we try every thing to forget you, and yet you find it necessary to pour salt into the wound. Best part was (and I know most of you have experienced this) Charlie LOVED to blame me, all the things I did wrong and how I’m such a big slut for doing what I could to move on.
I have to quote Grey’s Anatomy here:
You don’t get to call me a whore. When I met you I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose her. I’m all glued back together now and I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.”
Perfect quote right? It’s true though. They’re called breakups for a reason. You’re broken. And everyone is different when it comes to how they put themselves back together. Some people drink, use drugs, have sex, whatever fills that void for the time being. There is no right or wrong way to deal with losing someone that you dedicated a piece of your life to. Me, I went the self-destructive route, I did a bunch of drugs and found a new sleeping partner. Basically put myself in the face of danger hoping something would end the pain for me. What that did was send me straight to rehab.
Now, I’m not saying that you need to develop a drug addiction or drop off the face of the earth to get over your ex, but I do recommend ending ALL communication. Don’t even ask your mutual friends how they are doing who who they are with. Definitely block them on Facebook/IG/and etc., or maybe even deactivate yours for a bit, a break from social media is always a good thing when it comes to healing a broken heart. The last thing you need to see is a stupid picture of them and their new girlfriend/boyfriend smiling and kissing (trust me I’ve been there it does not feel good). The closer to them you try to stay the further you will get and the more miserable you will be. Also, I know that all girls for some reason think that having sex is going to make them feel better, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! It doesn’t matter how hot the guy is, it doesn’t matter how many orgasms you have, in the end you still feel empty and alone and it’s not good. Don’t start going out every night saying you need a new boyfriend and you need to move on either because that is bullshit. What you need to do is sit down and get to know yourself again.
Look, at some point, everyone has to be alone. I know it sucks but there is nothing worse than ending up alone and not knowing who the hell you are because you spent so much time being something to someone else. Or even worse, ending up with someone but STILL feeling alone, don’t you dare settle. Of course it is easier said than done and there are still plenty of days that go by where [name withdrawn for privacy] crosses my mind making me wonder what he is doing or who he is with. But even though I live alone and I am single I am so incredibly happy it’s unbelievable. And it didn’t take a new relationship to get over him, that’s the best part, I got over him without a replacement.
So listen guys, girls, a whoever is reading this: relationships are messy. Humans are complicated on their own so putting two together isn’t going to be a walk in the park. Sometimes relationships end when we don’t want them to and even though it seems like the end of the world it isn’t. You experienced something amazing, as much as it hurts now at one point it didn’t, and pretty soon it won’t anymore. And then when you least expect it you will be ready to meet someone new. Do not rush into anything. Just let it come to you, give the universe a little more credit, it knows what it’s doing 😉
I will end this with wise words of Audrey Hepburn:
Sometimes your heart just breaks. That’s all. But you can’t judge or point fingers, you just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you”
[Listening to Breakable by: Ingrid Michaelson]