The Night We Met

I’m back! I know it has been forever and I am going to do my best to make that a thing of the past. I have missed this so much and definitely feel it is in my best interest to keep up with it.

Tonight I am writing about a very personal subject. You know, I am not someone who really NEEDS to be surrounded by people. Most of my life I have had periods where I had a solid group of friends and then periods of hardly any. I never really preferred either more than the other, obviously friends are great, but so is quality time alone. I was neutral.

Then I met a group of the most kind, compassionate, hilarious group of weirdos I have ever met. Just like that, my life was changed forever. The best part was that not one of us was really like the other. We came from different places with different interests and completely different personalities. But it just worked. Almost effortlessly.

I say almost, because at first it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, it was actually awkward and uncomfortable. Everyone was in their own head dealing with their own shit. No one was concerned with getting close to any one, in fact, I am pretty sure everyone was trying to do the opposite. Keeping their heads down, polite conversations here and there, maybe a shared laugh on the smokers patio after breakfast. Nothing out of the ordinary of people sharing a living space. Then I came along.

Now, I am not trying to sound conceited, I didn’t do anything that any other person couldn’t do. I just have a natural talent for talking incessantly to people until they’re forced to engage with me. I think people usually just get so sick of hearing my voice they decide there is no harm in participating in the conversation. Whatever the reason may be, it fucking works, and before you know it everyone is talking to each other. Just writing about it right now puts a smile on my face.

So, where there was once a group of strangers, there is now a group of friends. People who would listen to someone vent for over an hour about a comment they heard made about their dog. People who would struggle to catch their breath during a game of Taboo, because one of them thought the word Geyser said Geisha, so their hint was “Asian”. People who would play round after round of “Never Have I Ever” without judging one single person for the fingers they put down. People who would spend an evening sharing hopes, memories, and tears when they had to say goodbye.

Never in my life have I ever felt like I belonged anywhere. I have moved from one place to another, in search of something I could never describe, only to end up with nothing every single time. Today, I can finally say, I found what I’ve been looking for. A place where I belong. You see, a place doesn’t have to be a location, or a building, it can be anywhere you feel at home. And with this group of beautiful weirdos, I was home.

This Post is dedicated to:

The Island of Misfit Toys.

<3

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We are the Reckless. We are the Wild Youth.

I know what you’re thinking…

It HAS been a while!

I honestly don’t have any reason for my leave of absence, other than a year long downward spiral that I never saw coming, otherwise I would have warned you.

I will reassure you all that I am back and feeling better than ever. I have a job and a new apartment down in Orange County where I am just a block or two from the beach. Life is so good right now it is almost hard to believe that it is my life. Even when my life was good before it was never THIS good. Ok, have I used the word “good” enough times? Lol.

All jokes aside, I always promised raw honesty on this thing, that’s why I started it in the first place, so why quit now? It is 2018 and the world we live in can be a really dark place. I am not entirely sure how I can share about the things I have done and seen in the last couple years, the only thing I am sure of is that I never again wish to ever venture down into that darkness.

I am not sure why people do the things they do. We are given this life with all sorts of beauty and culture and experiences but somewhere along the line we risk it all for something fleeting and tragic. I have never been so unbelievably aware of how broken we are until now. I have lived my entire life fighting for some small piece of happiness when I truly can’t even put into words what the term really means. My only understanding of it is what I have seen in movies or on television, or what I perceive to be happy in others. Is that the reality of it all? That every person on this planet is struggling to be this thing that no one can even prove exists?

Before I go on I should probably explain that I am living in Orange County due to my own darkness, which led me to seek treatment down here, and attempt to piece myself back together. I am currently 3 months and 13 days sober and I am continuing to work on my recovery every day. I know some of my family members would advise against me being so open about my afflictions, especially online for the world to see, but I honestly have no shame in regards to my past. It has led me to becoming who I am.

What I will do is spare the gorey details of what held its grip on me for the last year or so.

The important thing is for me to own my reckless decisions and move forward from them. I have come to learn so much about myself and I am grateful every day for that.

I still live each day with the pain of knowing how many others are out there suffering, but one thing I have learned is that it is not my pain to carry anymore. It took me long enough, but I am finally ready to grow up. 30 years old seems like just the right time. <3

xoxo.
Kara Love

[Currently Listening to …And They Escaped the Weight of Darkness By: Olafur Arnalds]

If I were a Boy…

[Lyrics credit: If I Were a Boy by Beyoncé]
Good morning my faithful followers! Let me start out by APOLOGIZING for my temporary hiatus. I am not proud to admit that I got caught up in something that distracted me from my focus on myself. YES, I admit it, I FELL FOR A BOY! Despite my better judgment in all the blog posts I have written WARNING all you ladies from getting deterred from your personal focus I foolishly allowed myself to do EVERYTHING I have encouraged you all NOT to do. I should start following my own advice…..
*WARNING* Long post ahead! Gotta make up for lost time right?
It all started last year, on Valentines Day (the horrible Hallmark holiday that I don’t even believe in) I was perfectly fine staying home alone like I do EVERY Valentines Day, but the Universe had other plans for me. The short version, I met a boy. Not just any boy though, oh no, on this night I met THE boy. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I have possibly known he was THE boy after just one chance encounter? Well, that’s easy: I just knew. He was the first boy I had ever met who had shared SO many of the same interests as me (including all the geeky stuff most people tell me NOT to share with anyone I am trying to date). I’m talking about nerdy decals on both of our cars, nerdy inspired tattoos, overwhelming knowledge of films that the vast majority knows nothing about, the whole nine yards.
Okay so let’s get to the good stuff right? So we exchanged Instagram information and I decided to get in touch with him later in the week.
Yeah…
I messaged him first, this is 2016 after all, and what can I say? He intrigued me. We exchanged some witty banter, very sarcastic and hilarious, and then he asked me out. I have to put this in quotes so you can all see what I saw:

Boy: Do you like horror films?
Girl: Yes! I love them!
Boy: Well, there is this theater that I love going to, they do this thing called Friday Night Frights, and this friday they’re doing Tales from the Dark Side…
Girl: Oh! that’s awesome!
Boy: So would you like to… hehe… go with me? :)”

Yep. Just like that. So simple. So adorable. I should have known right there that I was doomed. But this is ME we are talking about. I wanted nothing SERIOUS from this boy. And to be quite honest, I had previously been told some things about this boy which should have been enough to conclude that he was not someone to get involved with! But, me being me, I gave the benefit of the doubt. I mean, the information I had received DID come from his ex-girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned right? Maybe I should make my own judgments instead of basing them on an ex-girlfriend’s opinions right? So, I said yes, and I went on this “date” keeping my guard up with no intention of letting this boy in because I had NO desire to get mixed up with this boy! And I even told him this! I told him I was not looking for a boyfriend, that I did not want him to get any ideas of me being one of those girls who says one thing but does another, secretly planning to trap him in some awful “relationship” scenario. I was trying to hold my independent, free-spirited ground.
Fast forward (please) over the next few weeks of spending a good amount of time together, usually brought about by the boy because I wanted nothing to do with any couple-like behavior! Allow me to now bring the focus to a certain conversation between this boy and myself where he said, and I quote:
Boy: You’re so closed off. Like you have these walls up and I never know what  you’re thinking from one moment to the next.
Girl: Well this is due to my past. I have had some struggles that have left some scars and while I wear them proudly without regret I have learned to be wary of who I open up. Not that I look at everyone the same but in my experience every time I have let down my guard for someone it has resulted in me being hurt.
Boy: Well I want you to open up to me.
[girl lets out a quiet giggle]
Boy: I‘m serious! I know you have been let down in the past but I want you to know that you can come to me for anything. I want to be someone you can count on to always be there for you no matter what.”
No, this is not an exaggeration, he actually said that. This boy actually made me feel BAD for being so closed off, for keeping him at an arm’s length and he assured me that he would not hurt me like so many had before. Oh silly, naive Kara, actually falling for some stereotypical boy talk! Tell me ladies, how many of you have been told something similar by a boy, only to discover him pulling a disappearing act as soon as you begin to open up! But I dunno, I trusted the things he said, I really wanted to believe he meant it. So, this strong independent girl and her sturdy wall (constructed entirely from the sweet talk and empty promises fed to her from all the ghosts of bad boys past) went ahead and hired an entire demolition team specifically trained in the art of tearing down metaphorically built walls. And now you are probably wondering what was discovered in the rubble after this great wall of protection came down… I’m glad you asked!
One word: Vulnerability. Ah yes, just what every girl just wants, to be vulnerable with a boy. [she said with a heavily implied sarcastic undertone]
Okay, this story is looking more like a novel as each paragraph goes on. Let me try to wrap this up.
So, I generously opened up and bestowed my trust in this boy, a boy I put no pressure or demands on other than one simple request that we just remain honest with one another. Like, “Hey we aren’t in a relationship, you’re not my boyfriend, you’re free to do whatever you want and all I ask is for you to please not keep secrets from me. Seeing as we are both adults, participating in an adult relationship of some kind, I think it is only fair to share with one another if we choose to take part in adult activities with anyone else. I mean out of respect to the other person (especially for health reasons)”. I really didn’t think this was an unreasonable request. Some people might even say that it was very open-minded and totally cool of me. Not this boy. Nope! This boy found the request to be asking SO much of him! How dare I ask such a thing. I mean, sure there are girls who demand a ring after sharing the amount of time we had spent together, but not this girl. No way. This girl merely asks the boy to show her a tiny bit of respect.
Do boys understand that not ALL girls do this as a manipulation tactic to gain ammunition for a fight? Some girls actually just prefer to maintain their independence by being entitled to having a choice. Those little details will spare the girl of the potential hurt that usually results from being misled and ultimately finding out (trust me we always find out). I mean, excuse me for wanting to hold onto even an OUNCE of dignity and control over my life, forgive me for expressing to a boy that he is free to do as he pleases while only asking him to AT LEAST allow me the power to CHOOSE whether or not I want things to continue if such situation were to arise. His defense? Oh you are going to LOVE this:

Boy: Well you never asked me if I was okay with those terms.
Girl: You mean the terms of me saying you can do whatever you want but please be honest with me if you sleep with someone else? Those terms?
Boy: Yeah, well, sorry but you’re obviously more than just a “friends with benefits” to me and being honest with you about that made me uncomfortable.
Girl: If I mean more to you than a “friends with benefits” than why are you treating me like I’m less than that?
Boy: ……”

Remember earlier when I said the thing about me giving the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. Add that to the whole “vulnerable” thing and I’m sure you can all guess that there was no moment where a little imaginary light bulb turned on reminding me that I know better than to believe things could ever be different. No, sadly this previously strong independent girl went ahead and did the most idiotic thing possible…. she fell for the guy! *dramatically smacks self on the forehead*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

Yeah, you guessed it, it happened again! Let me help you out guys, just in case any of you decide to use this tactic to exhibit some sort of  “rebellion” or in an attempt to prove yourself that you’re a MAN and your business is yours alone. When you do something that you know is wrong and you keep it to yourself, you feel guilty (duh we learn that in like Kindergarten). Of course, in this case, it’s just so silly because technically he was entitled to do whatever he wanted. But the whole “secret keeping” was wrong because he knew all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. Anyway, the guilty feelings just sit in your subconscious eating away at you creating a rather annoying inner dialogue driving you CRAZY and as a result who essentially gets punished? The guy keeping the secret he knows he doesn’t have to be keeping? Oh no, NEVER! Me, the unassuming girl who has done nothing but blindly trust you and do whatever she can to continue building a strong friendship with you, the lying boy! Grrr.
Don’t worry, the end’s not near, it’s here (Band of Horses lyric. Kudos to you if you caught that one). So here we are, present day, and let me take this time to emphasize that this boy is actually a really great guy. And no I am not saying that as some sad little girl who wants to make the world believe he is a good guy but in reality, he treats her terribly. I am saying this as a girl who made plenty of mistakes during the duration of our… whatever it was… it takes two to tango right? Did that boy make some poorly executed decisions? Sure. Did his lack of communication skills make things 10 times more difficult than they needed to be causing little things to be blown tremendously out of proportion? Definitely. But at the same time, when we met he expressed to me that he was unable to handle any sort of relationship at that point in time. So the fault doesn’t lie with either one or the other, the reality is that neither he nor I expected to enjoy each others company as much as we did, and that can be really difficult to handle, especially if you don’t feel like you’re ready for something like that.
In the whole mess of hormones and logic and feelings, ultimately it comes down to this: we are all human. We all find ourselves getting lost in things that are out of our control, but it is our responsibility to either find our way out, or consciously continue therefore no longer being lost. I do not regret a moment I spent with that boy because let me tell you, I had some of the most amazing moments with him, things I doubt I would have ever experienced had I not met him. And, despite the pain I endured, I can still honestly say that he is my best friend. He was there for me for so many mind-numbing talks and he comforted me so many times when he really didn’t have to. The guy who after knowing me a mere four months surprised me with my first trip to Comic-Con for free and accompanied me to my semi-unbearable family functions. He was suffered through endless text messages of my ramblings even when he had no idea who I was talking about. Brainstorming solutions to an insane amount of problems that continued to slam me time and time again. And while I can easily say “I never asked for this, I never asked to fall in love with him” he can say the same thing about me. He never asked for this, he never asked for me to fall in love with him. It’s not like he would ever want to lose our friendship. In a million years I know he would never want that.
Unfortunately, even with my level-headed mature reasoning, I cannot end this without admitting the embarrassing truth. That I am broken. Nothing feels the same anymore. There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed because facing a day that doesn’t involve him doesn’t even feel worth it. Call me dramatic, go ahead, I don’t care. There was a time where I could care less about dating and then something I didn’t even know I was looking for went ahead and found me. And when it did it was like this weight was just lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I could finally breathe again. I have never known what it felt like to be sure of anything in my entire life until I met him. Now even breathing hurts. Every song I hear and every movie I watch finds a way to remind me of him and it just hurts. And the worst part about all of this is that the one person I want to call who would normally make me feel like everything is going to be okay, I can’t even call. No matter how hard I want to try and make him understand how this feels I just know he will never understand. In his mind, it is just something that happened, something we didn’t mean to happen, but it happened and the only thing left to do is move on. I would literally give anything for his ability to just push things to the back of my mind and move on. But I can’t. All I can do is sit and wonder if this pain will ever go away. I have been in relationships before and obviously, I have gotten over those relationships but the reality is that every guy I have ever dated I always knew wouldn’t last. There was always some very OBVIOUS reason for why it was only temporary. This guy is different. I just wish I could somehow share this with him, without the possibility of him thinking I am just some sad little girl. I just wish he knew that he is the most important person in my life, and how meaningless and empty this life now feels without him.
Don’t people realize that they are capable of completely destroying others? Is it that your self-worth is so low that you find the possibility of affecting someone completely unfathomable?
Well, newsflash, you matter. You’re capable of hurting others. And if you’re going to assume the responsibility of making someone feel good then don’t run away when those good feelings turn bad. Remember, it takes two to tango.
xo. Kara Love

It’s like you’re homesick for a place that no longer exists

 

Good evening everyone. I know it has been a while, I have been without a laptop for some time, plus I finally got a job and it has been SUPER busy at work.

Today’s post was inspired by the lovely film Garden State. I would like to start off by saying that this movie was such an important movie in my life. It was the first indie film I ever saw and back then I always wondered why it affected me so much. There was nothing really that relate-able about it, besides family issues I guess, which everyone can really relate to right?

Recently I watched this movie again for the first time in a while. It has been about 9 years since the movie came out, which if you have seen it you know that it has been 9 years since Zach Braff’s character has been home, and he is going for his mom’s funeral. His mom had drowned in the bathtub, and as most of you know my mom recently passed away, also by drowning in the bathtub. I thought it really odd that 9 years after I first saw the film my mom passed away in the same manner as his character in the film, and that he is trying to connect with himself after feeling numb for so long, which is what I have recently been dealing with also. Also, his relationship with his father is a struggle as is mine, communication wise, it is all very similar.

This really got to me because as I said earlier I always wondered why I connected with the film so much and then fast forward 9 years and I feel exactly like his character. Especially when he says this quote:

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.”

If you haven’t seen the movie I highly recommend that you do, it is definitely a MUST SEE movie.

 

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: I’ll Show You by Justin Beiber]

 

Am I Just a Fool? Blind and stupid for loving you?

I’m back everyone! I had been locked out of my blog because of some two-step verification issues but I got in contact with WordPress support and they saved my life!

Anyway sorry to come back on such a sad note with today’s blog post. Well it’s not really sad, or it doesn’t have to be, I guess it depends on how you look at it. But the song quoted above is honestly a favorite of mine right now because it is a really pretty song with piano and violins (I love the violin) and the lyrics are easy to relate to.

Now I know everyone has been in that situation where all their friends keep telling them to stop talking to the person they like. “he’s an asshole you need to just stop talking to him” or “she’s a bitch and she’s just using you!” Yeah, we’ve all heard it right? But the problem is that even if we do listen it doesn’t really stick because we are technically doing it for someone else and not making the decision on our own. So even if we know they’re right it doesn’t mean we can just do what they say.

Another problem is like, they don’t really know the person like we do, and maybe the person isn’t REALLY an asshole or a bitch. Maybe they’re actually really great, but they just live their life to different standards than others, thus making it hard to comprehend. But even so, that still qualifies as someone you probably shouldn’t invest so much time into because the outcome if never going to be what you want it to be.

In all reality, it’s not about a decision between choosing them or choosing to listen to everyone else, it’s a decision between choosing them or choosing you. And that choice is never easy nor do people frequently make the right one. But if you come to a crossroads similar to this one just remember: if you don’t love yourself how can you expect to love someone else? With that being said, is the choice really that hard?

Choose you.

Xoxo.

[Currently listening to Grand Piano by Nicki Minaj]

Hello My Old Heart…

Good evening friends and blog readers. I must say life has been so stressful lately that I find it hard to even do the thing that most relieves my stress lol. I’m trying to get better about making time to write but with the job hunt I struggle to make any time for myself really.

To make matters worse, on top of job stress, I’ve been pounded into the ground by having these “feelings” that won’t seem to go away, no matter how hard I try. I’m sure you’ve all been there right? It’s the worst. Like I could be a championship fighter and still get defeated by this situation time and time again. I used to be much more qualified at dealing with matters of the heart. And by that I mean I used to purposely not allow my heart to have any feeling at all because of the inevitable outcome of disappointment or heartbreak. Years ago I lived in such a way that I felt protected from any chance of getting hurt. I approached everything with kid gloves and never allowed anyone the opportunity to really know me or get close to me at all. At the end of the day I would leave before they even knew what hit them, “leave before you’re left” was my motto. It felt pretty solid.

Only problem there was that even though I may not have been experiencing “getting hurt”, I was most definitely hurting myself, not to mention how lonely it was. So lonely. People these days just don’t realize how vital it is to have human relationships. Everyone nowadays is just so broken beyond repair that it makes it impossible to get close to anyone. And that isn’t right, people need people and that’s a fact, no matter how badly we want to resist getting close to someone. What are we resisting anyway? Feeling cared about? Being comforted when we need it? Having support from someone who believes in us? More than half the time the reason anything ends is because shit gets too real and subconsciously we begin to resist and the other person feels it and then they start to get paranoid or worry and then the fighting happens and then the end. Not like the fairy tales we heard growing up eh? Yeah, not even close.

The point is that we all want to be close to someone but we don’t want to give up our sense of freedom and that is not what it’s about. Being with someone isn’t supposed to make u feel tied down or trapped it’s supposed to make you feel loved? What’s that he says in Breakfast at Tiffany’s? When she says “I won’t let anyone put me in a cage” and he says “I don’t want to put you in a cage I want to love you”. And then he tells her how the only one who has put her in a cage is herself and etc. which is so true. Even on Grey’s anatomy she says “boundaries don’t keep people out they fence you in” and you can try to act like you’re in control of your life by doing so but you’re not. You begin to live under the control of all the bullshit rules you put on yourself to make sure that you don’t ever let anyone care about you. Sounds like a lovely life to live. And why is it that in the act of resistance we ALWAYS sleep with someone. Why is THAT the act that liberates us from being loved? Like oh yeah I’m feeling so out of control with this whole “relationship” thing so I’m just gonna go have some random dirty empty sex because THAT will make me feel better. Man, human beings are so much more messed up in the grand scheme of things.

So at this point I’m at a cross roads of what I do next. Do I revert to my old ways of just not letting anyone get close to me? Or, since because I have already gotten this far, do I continue to be open to the idea of bein loved in hopes to find someone who may actually do it? I have to decide quickly because I’m already beginning to shut myself off to the whole idea of these annoying emotions.

“Hello my old heart, it’s been so long, since I’ve given you away. And every day, I add another stone to the wall I’ve built around you, to keep you safe.”

-The Oh Hellos-

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Hello My Old Heart by: The Oh Hellos]

Someday You Will Be Loved

Hello everyone. Sorry it has been so long since my last post, let’s just say life isn’t going exactly right these days. But that is just the way life is huh?

Today’s post was inspired by not only the amazing Deathcab for Cutie song but also by so many different life experiences I’ve had which I’m sure so many of you have had also. Sometimes no matter how badly you want something to work out with someone they just don’t feel the same way. Yeah it hurts, oh boy does it hurt, might even hurt so bad you’re unsure if you’ll ever recover. But in the end you always do.

You’ll be loved you’ll be loved, like you never have known, and your memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. Just a series of blurs like I never occurred. Someday you will be loved”

Its so so funny though because in the moment you think you’ll NEVER move on from that person and when everyone says you will you just freak out like “no I won’t don’t tell me I will get over them because I’ll never love anyone else for as long as I live!” But we all know that’s being a bit dramatic. I mean half the time we only think we love someone just to realize later how we may have liked them a lot but we definitely didn’t love them. Not to discredit or dismiss anyone’s feelings of course, it’s just that things always seem much bigger in the moment than they really are.

As for me, I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum, I have been the one hurting someone telling them they’ll move on from me and I’ve also been the one being let down easy. It all hurts just the same. It’s never fun to end things with someone even if you don’t feel the same way they do you still feel something for them. Which is something to remember when someone ends it with you, you must know that they do care and they do want you to be happy, if they didn’t they would just keep stringing you along for their own benefit.

I think it’s important to be the bigger person and end something if you don’t think you’ll be able to give them what they want. Because if you just keep things the way they are, knowing they like you more than you like them, that makes you an asshole. I know it’s hard because even if you don’t like someone more than a friend it’s comforting to have someone there for you and everyone knows regular sex isn’t the biggest downside in the world haha. But if you’re the one who doesn’t want things to move forward than unfortunately it’s your responsibility to end things.

Xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Someday You Will Be Loved by: Deathcab for Cutie]

today

I’ve been up and oh I don’t sleep enough

 

Insomnia:

i: Intelligent

n: Nightly

s: Sessions

o: Observing

m: Many

n: Necessary

i: Ideas

a: Accordingly

Yeah, that about sums it up. I don’t know how many of you out there suffer this dreadful curse but I for one have always been so curious. Like why do all the thoughts my mind could ever think of have to enter my mind all at the same time and only during the late night hours? This, I now realize, may be the reason I happen to be so curious about this issue at 1:30 in the morning.

Don’t get me wrong, some of my most brilliant ideas have sparked my brain in the late night hours, definitely more than half of these blog posts even. I guess it has never really bothered me before, besides when I happen to have someone sleeping next to me, but there are times I wish I could control it.

I like to think that those who suffer from insomnia are among some of the most brilliant. I mean that’s gotta be the case right? Part of the reason all of these thoughts race through my mind has to be a product of pure intelligence. Perhaps there is just so much knowledge stored in my head that when all is calm and quiet my brain waves find it as the best time to create chaotic travel running a million miles a minute.
Whatever the case may be, I find myself wide awake, wondering if there may be a simple way to quiet all the questions. Other than Xanax or Ambien of course.

xoxo.

[Listening to Dead Oaks by: Now, Now]

I found a friend or should I say a foe…

 

I would apologize for so much time passing since my last post, but I have been so determined to find a job (like an actual paying job lol). It is pretty difficult being unemployed.

For today I wanted to write about friendship. There are different types of friendships we encounter in our lives: best friends, acquaintances, life-long friends, and of course, toxic friends. I have found that I have made SO many friends in the 27 years I have been alive and out of all of them I hate to admit that a majority were toxic. The reason I say I hate to admit that is because no one likes to come to the realization that someone they have dedicated so much to ended up being someone who was actually using them. Unfortunately that is the reality of making friends, sometimes you are going to be in a situation where you are giving so much to someone who not only doesn’t return the same treatment, but they also take you for granted.

I remember being a kid watching the TV show Friends and I would think to myself “wow. I cannot wait to grow up so I can live in a fancy New York apartment with my friends all living close by and then one of them turning out to be my soulmate who I marry and we all still meet for coffee every day and do everything together”. Man, if only that were real, right? I am not saying it isn’t real, I mean my older brother has had the same friends since he was in elementary school and they all still manage to get together, even though most are married and some have kids. I don’t know, maybe it’s my generation that is filled with such narcissistic people, who get a real kick out of draining people emotionally.

The worst part is that it is SO hard to tell when a friend you have made is toxic. Especially someone like me who LIVES to just be there for people and give them all I have. The title of this post was inspired by a song titled “Trust Me” by The Fray. There is a verse of the song that goes:

Looking for something I’ve never seen
Alone and I’m in between
The place that I’m from and
The place that I’m in
A city I’ve never been
I found a friend or should I say foe
Said there’s a few things you should know
We don’t want you to see
We come and we go
Here today, gone tomorrow”

I think the main part of that verse that speaks to me is the line that says “we don’t want you to see we come and we go”. What I have discovered with toxic friends is that they are so skilled at deceit. They cannot allow you to know that they are not true friends because then they cannot get what they want from you. Let’s face it, most people won’t give everything they have to someone, who may just up and disappear  at any given moment. I don’t want to sit here and blame all my downfalls on toxic friendships, I know that I am solely responsible for any and all mistakes I have made, but I do think that if I hadn’t clung so hard to unhealthy friendships I might be slightly better off at this point in my life.

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
Take it from me
We don’t give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me
We don’t have honesty
The things we don’t want to speak
I’ll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still”

I think that verse is my absolute favorite out of the whole song. If I am speaking on behalf of myself I will say that it makes me feel quite vulnerable when I admit to someone that I don’t really have THAT many close friends. Especially if the person I am speaking to is someone that has a solid group of really great friends. But this verse which is basically displaying a conversation between people where one is saying that admitting their lack of friends will unveil the reality that they are more in need of the person than the other way around. And the other is manipulating them by assuring they can be trusted but no one else can. A lie that so many of us have been guilty of believing. In the end the first person realizes that there is no honesty in their relationship but easily admits that no matter how hard they will try to detach from the other, they never will.

This is because in any toxic relationship only one person can hold all the power. The dominant over the submissive. This is so unhealthy and some people don’t even have the luxury of realizing which one they are. At the end of the day we are all equals and should be treated as such, whether its a boyfriend/girlfriend, or just a friend. If you go home after spending time with a friend and you feel empty or unhappy in any way then something is wrong. The sooner you realize this and stand up for yourself the faster you can remove this toxic friend from your life and make room for healthy loving friends. Someone like me, who finds more solace in friendships than with my own family, it is very crucial that I no longer waste time allowing negative people to grab ahold of me.

We’re only taking turns, holding this world.

It’s how it’s always been, when you’re older you will understand”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Trust Me by: The Fray]

I want Love to conquer all. But Love can’t conquer anything. It relies on us to do the conquering on its behalf.

Before I start I would like to share that I am currently job hunting which has taken up a lot of my time (hence the gap since the last post). To make matters worse I had the post all typed up and ready and then my nephew accidentally messed with my computer and it erased it. So I have tried to re-write it to the best of my ability. Let’s see how it goes.

    Relationships are hard. Whoever says differently are just kidding themselves. I think my favorite response to this is when people say “If you truly love the person then relationships are easy”. Pardon my language but that is bullshit. As soon as you involve the word LOVE it makes things a million times harder! Even when it becomes difficult people still pretend that everything is going just fine. It always amazes me when people know something is wrong but insist on ignoring it, as if that will make it go away. They avoid confrontation and end up boiling in resentment until they explode.

   This is how it starts: Boy meets girl (or girl meets boy) and nothing else seems to matter. Butterflies are in your stomach and it is almost as if you can take over any obstacle life throws at you. Your eyes light up while you tell people about them and you can envision the rest of your life going exactly as you always wanted.

“This is what love does: It makes you want to rewrite the world. It makes you want to choose the characters, build the scenery, guide the plot. The person you love sits across from you, and you want to do everything in your power to make it possible, endlessly possible. And when it is just the two of you alone in a room, you can pretend that this is how it is. This is how it’s going to be”. -David Levithan

Then when it is over, this depression hangs in the air as if the world is coming to an end, it is almost unbearable. Looking back over the past however many years dissecting every little detail trying to figure out what it is you did that brought things to the end. It goes on like this until someone new comes along and BAM! the world stops and all of that pain dissipates with the hope that this may be the one you have been waiting for. It is the exact definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

“The moment you fall in love it feels like it has centuries behind it, generations- all of them rearranging themselves so this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading up to this. All the secret arrows were pointing here, the Universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it. You are just now arriving at the place you’re meant to be”. -David Levithan

       I am not trying to be extremely cynical. Trust me I absolutely LOVE love. I want to be the kind of person that believes there is someone out there just for me. I want to believe that I exist in this world to be there for that someone. But I am just not good at relationships, I never have been, and that is something I am not sure I will ever be good at. I always manage to find flaws, sometimes in them, but mostly in myself. I can predict the end and then I go and cause the end. I do this in an attempt to save myself but end up alone [David Levithan].

    Even if the relationship doesn’t meet its end I still go about the relationship detached and aloof. This behavior usually bothers the person I am with and I know everyone tells me to just try, TRY to change, but why should I change myself for the person who supposedly loves me for who I am? I mean even when I detach, I care, you can be separate from something and still  care about it. That is one concept most people can’t seem to understand.

    Another factor is my taste in guys. I know all the girls reading this can relate. I am all about the troubled boys. The ones who need me to guide them and take care of them. It makes me feel needed and important. But the problem with being a girl who loves a lost boy, is the girl becomes lost herself [David Levithan, Every Day], and that is the beginning of the end. You spent all this time building a relationship and then it’s like one night you left the window open during a storm and everything was destroyed.

“The world is broken. But maybe it isn’t that we are supposed to find the pieces and put them back together. Maybe we’re the pieces. Maybe what we’re supposed to do is come together. That is how to stop the breaking”. -David Levithan

   Maybe the fantasy of love doesn’t exist anymore. But maybe that is okay. What is it that everyone always says? Everything is okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

As for me, I am perfectly happy not holding up to the status quo that everyone seems so hell bent on being apart of, it works for me. What doesn’t work for me is feeling like I have somehow failed because I am three years shy of 30 and not in a serious relationship. Maybe I will get married and maybe I won’t. Maybe I will have kids and maybe I won’t. I don’t know any of that yet. I am in my 20’s and I am living my life. This is the time of adventure and exploration, if during this time I meet someone with the same ideals as me then maybe I will have an adventure with them. I just don’t know. All I know is I am happy, and before this pressure of “falling in love” came over the world, happiness was the ultimate goal in living was it not?

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: School Friends by Now, Now]

I’ve got my mouth. It’s a weapon. It’s a bombshell. It’s a cannon. I’ve got my words. I won’t give mercy

 

Hello everyone! So yeah it has been so long since I’ve written and I apologize for that. Unfortunately some personal matters came up about my blog and I took a break trying to resolve the issues. But I have decided that I love this blog and I am not doing anything on it to offend anyone so why should I stop?

For today’s post I wanted to discuss influences. People who influence us to do things during our life, like role models or even negative opinions. It takes a lot to stand up for what you truly believe in especially if you have people close to you trying to hold you back. It could be friends or lovers doing it out of jealousy or even family members who are so insistent on you being a certain way that they cannot help but try to control your every move. I am not saying I don’t appreciate people who care about me trying to do what they think is best, but at the end of the day I am who I am and I cannot change that.

They say in life you cannot truly love someone until you learn to love yourself. I find that confusing when so many try to tell me who I am and what I should be doing. How am I ever going to love who I am if so many people are telling me who to be? I get so frustrated with this situation it makes me want to scream. How is it that people who love you can disagree with what makes you, you? I didn’t choose to be this way, I can assure you that when I look at others graduating college and starting a career, it makes me wish I had done something similar. But I didn’t. I chose to live the life I have and I don’t regret it. It is just so upsetting when people who are different choose to go against it because they just don’t understand. We cannot all be the same I mean how boring would that be? Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same and no one disagrees? And more importantly is how can you be so sure that what people are telling you is the right thing to do? I don’t know about all of you but it’s hard for me to trust someone who cannot love and accept me for who I am.

I am 27 years old and I love Harry Potter. That’s right, I absolutely love it, and in my head I still like to believe that something like that exists. I love to write and paint even though it is not making me any money right now. I’m an unconventional type of girl who doesn’t live my life at the hands of a man hoping to be married with tons of babies before I’m 30. I am a free spirit and I go wherever my path leads and sometimes I don’t know where that is. But wherever I end up all I can do is figure it all out as I go along. And that is okay with me. I don’t need a plan or an agenda I just need to live. Isn’t that the point of all of this anyway? To live?

It it feels good to be back.

Xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Fighting for Nothing By Meg & Dia]

“So God Bless I hear your voice in mine, and I wanna stop time, like a carnival ride”.

Hey everyone! Sorry I know it has literally been a month since I posted anything and I feel so bad about it! Unfortunately January isn’t the easiest month for me, especially toward the end, and then comes my birthday. So much fun right?

Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick post in memory of my mom, the one year anniversary of her passing was on January 27th. I will say that it is not something that plagues me constantly. I don’t even care if that bothers some of you because it is just the way it is right now. Some days are better than worse but for the most part, I felt like I lost her a long time ago.

It is never easy losing a parent as I am sure many of you have dealt with similar situations. I think the hardest thing I have had to come to terms with is the fact that I am so much like her. So often I find myself dwelling on the fact that when it comes to my family, the only person who I ever had a chance in understanding me, is now gone.

Even though she wasn’t an active part of my life for the last 15+ years, it was still a comfort knowing she was out there, and could become part of my life at some point. Now that comfort is gone and I have had to just accept that. My only hope is to one day start a family of my own and do all the things that she was unable to do for me.

I will end this post now, I survived the first year as best I could, it only gets easier from this point on… Right?

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Wounded Healer by Watsky]

You wrecked me when you stepped out, cuz you’re the Wounded Healer, and you’re supposed to stay.

Happy New Year… 2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 9,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

If I saved you from drowning, promise me you’ll never go away.

Well… It sure has been a WHILE. I think the last post I did was before Halloween? And it is already almost Christmas!!! I honestly had this post all ready to go in my mind, but finding the time to sit down and type it out for all of you became difficult, it has been a very busy two months.

I have been thinking a lot lately, about people, and about myself. Mainly the connection between other people and myself. How often I find myself going above and beyond for so many yet finding the same actions are not frequently done in return. I am sure there are many of you out there who feel this way and I know that sometimes it appears almost narcissistic to speak about it. Like “Wow, I literally do EVERYTHING for everyone else and no one ever does anything for me!” haha. But that is not what I am saying. I know plenty of people who ARE there for me and do things for me and I am very appreciative of those people in my life. What I am speaking on is those who constantly take take take until I am pretty much left with nothing more to give and when that time comes those people disappear. They aren’t even honest about it either, I mean AT LEAST admit that you’re only around because you need something, the covert act of pretending to have different ulterior motives is so frustrating. I would much rather someone say “Listen, I am calling you because I need a ride and I am drunk, I know I didn’t invite you out with me tonight but if you pick me up we can go do something else together!” instead of “Hey! I love you! I am DYING to hangout with you!!! I don’t have a ride but if you come here we can go out and have a great time”. Chances are that I will still come get you I just won’t be pissed off when after that night we don’t see each other for another 2-3 months.

I know what most of you are thinking, why even bother with people like that, if in the end none of them are doing the same for me. But you see, I am not the kind of person who does things for others so that I have leverage over them or will receive something in return. I do it because I honestly LOVE helping others. The fact that in the end they are better off than they were before and I was there being a part of that. It isn’t because I have this inner desire to be needed or wanted, even though most people would say that is the reason, that is not always the case. Mainly it is because when I look back on my life and recall all of the times in my life, when all I needed was for someone to BE THERE, even just to listen or talk to me… I remember how I couldn’t get even ONE person on the phone. In these moments where I am thinking about those times, I remember how completely alone I felt, and the thought of someone else experiencing the same thing just makes my heart hurt. It really does. If I could I would make it so NO ONE in the world ever felt that way. That is just who I am.

However, as stated in the RM Drake quote above, it is very ironic that this makes me feel that way. Mainly because thinking over the same moments, the times I felt alone were because of all the people who weren’t there for me, the same people that I had been there for time and time again. When I think about it like that I feel as though I am just being so stupid constantly giving everyone the opportunity to walk all over me. I have some friends who tell me that I need to stop allowing it to happen. Stop hanging out with the same people and stop permitting them to take advantage of my kindness. People say it has been doing it so long that I don’t even realize it happening half the time…

So how do you find the middle? To still be there for people but also being treated with the same respect. Most of the time these “friends” of mine make me feel utterly disposable and that feeling is definitely not the best. Why can’t people just be good to one another all of the time? And if you just need one thing and you don’t prefer to offer anything in return (not even friendship) then just be up-front about it! Even when it comes to guys and girls and relationships: if you just want to hook up and aren’t trying to get caught up in anything serious right now, then say that! You have no idea how many people are in the same position as you and probably want the same thing but they are acting a certain way because they think that is what you want! It is all messy and confusing and annoying, trust me I know.

I am someone who just loves so much. My heart is full of love that I have for the entire world and I want nothing more but to help everyone that I can, and it hurts, it just hurts me down to my core. I have so much faith and hope in humanity despite the fact that most people think I am crazy for thinking anyone or anything will change. But I have changed, I know it and people tell me it, so why can’t anyone else?

I know it seems crazy. I know it is hard to understand why someone would be so willing to do whatever it takes for the ones who barely even recognize what is being done for them. But one thing I do know is that there is always a chance, just a glimpse of hope, that in doing what I do I may inspire others to do the same. And if everyone started to be there for everyone else the possibilities are endless.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to My Number By: Tegan & Sara

Could it be I’m your mirror, showing you everything you have never wanted to face.

For those of you who have been wondering, and for those who haven’t, I have not given up on finding my lost Katerina yet. I can just picture her coming back home with crazy stories about her days on the streets running in the Kitten-Gang lol

For tonight’s post there are a few different things I would like to address. Each of them, although kinda different, are also in relation to one another. In the very least they fall into a similar theme so it really all works out haha. Now even though this post is going to be from a personal point of view, I am going to have to make it clear that in no way am I ever REALLY offended or affected by people’s comments or judgments of me and the way I choose to live my life. Maybe the Kara from like 3 years ago (for sure that girl) but definitely not this one.

So, back to the story of my kitten who (as mentioned above) has been missing for about a week or so, she means the world to me, and I am absolutely devastated with her gone. From that I would like to clearly state that I am a single woman in my mid-twenties.

Wait. You are a girl who likes cats, actually owns a cat, AND you’re single?! So you are going to be alone forever then just get more cats to fill that empty void until you become a crazy cat lady. I mean you should PROBABLY just get a dog”.

Seriously? That is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves, like, OF ALL TIME. I mean really? THAT is actually considered logic when it comes to a single female owning a cat? Honestly how IGNORANT can people really be! Have you ever stopped to think that maybe we like cats because:

  1. They’re cute and small
  2. They’re independent without requiring lots of care
  3. Not too needy so we can still go out with our friends and not worry about walking them and stuff (we are SINGLE duh)

I just think it is so crazy to assume all of these negative stereotypes when it comes to an individual’s personal preferences in living situations and/or pets. Considering the fact that I live in a studio AND I work full time. Not only do I think it would be unfair to have a puppy cooped up in there while I work all day but I just don’t have the time or energy to be needed so damn much when I get off work. So what is with this stigma attached to cats?? Just because I own (and enjoy the company) of kittens that automatically means I am sad and alone? And if that is the case then why is a single girl living alone with only her dog not just as sad? Like, yeah I took tons of pictures of Kat, she is a beautiful kitten and super cute and small so I loved taking pics of her and people constantly called me a cat lady who was gonna be “one of those women old and alone with a million cats”. I get that it is just a figure of speech/ joke but like, WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE WOMEN GIVING YOU THE PROOF TO MAKE THIS STEREOTYPE (and I don’t mean on a TV show I mean in real life). The effed up thing is that I have never heard of someone having a problem with a girl taking a million dog pictures. I am sorry I see WAY more dog Instagram profiles than cats and the dogs are always dressed up in ridiculous outfits with dyed hair and bows and stuff. So let’s be honest, who is REALLY the crazy obsessed pet owner hmmm? Now I am not saying I do not like dogs because I definitely do (like my siblings and friends dogs) but personally I enjoy a pet who isn’t going to lick me all the time with gross saliva everywhere and UGH the freaking barking, like stop already, we ALL hear you okay? You want the ball… we get it.

So people don’t find the whole “barking incessantly for the ball” thing annoying but they complain that:

Cats are assholes. They never want to hangout with you unless THEY feel like it. They won’t let you train them, they basically do whatever they want to do no matter what the owner tries to do/say…”

Okay so let me make sure I am hearing this right: what you’re saying is, that you hate an animal that has a mind of its own, who isn’t in a constant state of demanding your attention and love, BUT they still love you and care to show you affection when they feel it is necessary? Yeah that sounds terrible…. Like I said before I don’t dislike dogs, you are not going to hear me call a dog an asshole, but the constant need for attention and playing and walking… Even typing it out is exhausting me lol. I am 26 years old, I am still barely managing the whole “taking care of myself” routine, I would like to limit the responsibility as much as possible. Kittens are also really cute so its not a real losing situation in the long run. Truth is, if I wanted to go straight from working all day to being ambushed by something with an overwhelming desire/need for my attention and affection, then kept me from doing things for myself because when I tried to I would just hear whining, see puppy dog eyes and feel guilty… I would just go out and get a boyfriend LOL.

Moving on to another topic but sort of in the same retrospect of my personal life choices and relationship status haha… These questions from guys have got to be the very BEST I have ever received:

You live alone? That is so sad. You don’t get lonely?”

Yeah I live alone, no I don’t get lonely, I am not some sad old spinster who sits in my house all day and night wishing I had someone to talk to. I’m 26 and I am a big girl lol. Like I’m sorry but life isn’t like the show Friends (or for you more modern folks How I Met Your Mother) and not everyone has like this solid group of friends that they grew up with and live with and have coffee with instead of working all day…. (Trust me I was just as disappointed as you when I got that terrible wake up call from reality. Thanks a lot Monica and Rachel). Anyway, I used to have roommates and uhm yeah I am actually happy to NEVER go through that again. When I rented rooms with strangers they were always just like awkward forced hangout type deals, like because you live together they think they’re automatically you’re new friend (no I don’t want to hear about your stupid day during my show UGH), then living with friends sucked because someone doesn’t clean or pay bills or ditches out and BAM! Frienship ruined. Don’t EVEN get me started on living with boyfriends… That’s like probably the worst living situation ever lol. So I’ve done it all EXCEPT live alone, until now, because I was scared. Yep, I was all co-dependent and reliant on others to feel safe and happy, yuck! I’m sure it’s not that hard to believe from reading my other posts that I was a totally different girl back then, it’s unfortunately the “norm” to be like super co-dependent and it is so hard to break that habit, but what did it for me was just getting a place to force the change upon myself. And now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Why don’t you date? That is ridiculous. Let me take you out.”

Okay why aren’t I dating? See I never enjoy answering this question because it’s like any subtle answer I give is never good enough. Guys just continue to push and push thinking that eventually I will like give in and agree to go on this “date” with them. This tactic may work on some girls, you know the girls who actually give their number out even if they really don’t want to, those girls that are just TOO nice to say no because they may hurt your feelings. I, on the other hand, am NOT one of those girls. Does that mean I’m not nice? OF COURSE NOT. I’m actually quite pleasant to be around, I am just a realist, and will be straight-forward with you. I would want the same done in return because no one likes games (unless they’re board games right?). If I want you to have my number you will get it and if not then you won’t, no fake number BS, I don’t believe in giving false hope nor do I have the energy to make one up. So you ask why I don’t date and regardless of what I say you find SOME way to argue why every reason is actually why I SHOULD be dating, until I finally just have to give it to you in the longest most drawn out explanation, and guys you just never like what I have to say….

Dating to me is pointless unless you are in a position that allows you to look at the one you’re with and potentially see someone you could spend your life with. You may not even be close to ready for that kind of commitment, hell I’m not even sure I fully believe in marriage anymore, but to me I don’t see any point to dating someone except for trial and error in search of the guy I spend my life with. I may be a realist and my outlook on relationships may seem cynical but I do believe in soulmates and the only reason I have to go on a date is if I have a gut feeling that he may be it. Sounds crazy but I am intuitive like that and it might not be love at first sight but you can still sense if the time is something worth sparing for them.

Dating is just so awkward and I KNOW you agree. Like, he picks you up and then you’re sitting in the car on the drive, WTF do you even talk about?! How bad everyone else’s driving is? Yep that sounds pretty good. Then how bout more awkward silence and watching each other chew through dinner? Yummy. Oh and how about the questions, like seriously there is not one question on the list of Dating FAQs that I can answer without making the person so unbelievably uncomfortable lol.

  • Childhood- Total wreck masked by happy memories I barely remember since I’m the baby
  • Teen Years- Started out BORING lead to ridiculous years of sex and drugs. (TMI? I tend to do that a lot).
  • Exes only 2 but 1 was abusive/totally messed up my head (still slight PTSD from it… is that awkward?)
  • Siblings-1 Sister who is nothing like me and I am pretty sure hates me more than half the time. 2 brothers who are pretty rad but the age gap is pretty big (ya I am the youngest and now you think I am entitled/spoiled). Oh then I have 1 Step-Sister and 2 Step-Brothers, yet I am STILL the youngest.
  • Parents- This one will be fun. Mom would have been the best out of all of them but she could never get her act together long enough to have a relationship with us (everyone says alcoholic but mainly she just had mental issues x 1000). This resulted with us being raised by an emotionally unavailable Father who’s LIFE is his career (but hey he is a damn good lawyer). He married a woman who pretty much hated us and made our lives hell thus adding on to our already budding intimacy/commitment issues as well as taking away most of my faith in family/marriage/love.
  • My Birthday? February 1st 1988. A day I once celebrated to myself then became shared with my Step-Mom (loving it) and is now also just 5 days after the anniversary of my mom’s death. Did I mention she passed this year? Oh well must have slipped my mind, but yeah about 5 days before my Birthday, it was a “do it yourself ordeal” (TMI again, see I told you, also I tend to be a bit casual with morbidity).
  • Education/Career- Well I am still figuring things out at the beautiful age of 26 (if you get excited by the thought of taking care of someone stop right there because whether I have a career or not NO ONE takes care of me, but me).
  • Above EVERYTHING else I absolutely positively LOVE HARRY POTTER (it is seriously a huge part of my life, with other nerdy obsessions following close behind). You don’t have to like it now but you will like it after we binge watch the movies, and I am a movie fanatic so I hope you enjoy Netflix!

I mean, if that date doesn’t end with an engagement ring, then I don’t even know what this world is coming to! LOL. Okay maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, I mean I know everyone has their issues, but the difference is that most people kinda hold back until its like safe zone space to unleash the skeletons one by one. I just can’t do it. I am an open book (as you can see from this post as well as all my others) I don’t like to go into something that may end later because of something that they could have known the first night they met me and saved me 2 months of awkward dating haha. I don’t know what it is but I just don’t do well with the whole dating thing, both of my exes were my friends first and we started sleeping together and it was easy and care-free and comfortable, then the relationship just happened because uhm it’s basically what we were doing. Obviously I do not want to digress I want the normal dating experience but UGH it is just so awkies. <— [Ja’mie reference, if you don’t watch it, check it out on HBO GO].

Sex is pleasant of course but you don’t have to be dating to have sex you just need to be safe and honest. So in the end, will I let you take me out? Probably not. I’m not going to say yes to you just to make you feel better (I stopped putting others feelings before my own a long time ago… well I made some progress I mean lol). Oh and realistically there is a very good chance you just want to sleep with me anyway. Not speaking to all guys, obviously I believe chivalry still exists somewhere, #AugustusWaters. But if you are just asking me out because that is what is “supposed” to be done then that takes me to the final question (by the way you can assume this question is being asked via text message because it is ALWAYS via text message:

I think we should definitely have sex, we are obviously both in the same situation, and we clearly want the same things. Wanna come over [at 2am]?”

NO. I DO NOT WANT TO DRIVE OVER AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU. Just because we are both single DOES NOT mean we have something in common! I wonder sometimes how often that shit ACTUALLY works on girls! I don’t care how stressed or tense or mad or whatever else you think I am that sex will release lol but I will give you a little tip: if you want something from a girl… You need to break out of that mold you have formed from all the little skank girls you’ve slept with who require no effort but showing a minuscule amount of attention. In regard to my past sexual experiences you can be sure that I am not afraid to have sex, the fact is that I have gotten to the point where I know what is good and what isn’t, and I know what I want and what I don’t. I am not going to waste my time and stay up super late in the off chance it may be super disappointing for me. I am not dying for it that badly that I will risk a few extra hours of sleep or actually ANYTHING else for the small possibility of a good time. Everyone knows sex is better when you know the person (yes and when you care about them of course) but knowing them and having a friendship works well too. So booty calls really do nothing for me since you don’t know my body and you have no idea what I am into or anything like that. And sure I don’t know you that well either but I can guarantee you aren’t magic and you cannot just figure me out first attempt and blow my mind. Obviously I cannot speak on that with confidence because there is a chance that there are guys out there with that skill, HOWEVER, if you text me at 2AM I am going to have to assume you are not that guy. Listen boys, you want to treat a girl like a skank then go have mediocre evenings with those girls, not that they are mediocre but we just don’t put in the effort when we are treated like garbage (treat us like that and you don’t deserve our skills).

Treat her with class and dignity and you may just get the chance to sleep with a lady. Trust me the difference is eminent.

Xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Undertow by Warpaint